February 21, 2012 - Mustang Kid

  • 02/21/2012

The Mustang Kid gets a Web Redemption, and Canadians play rock-paper-balls.

- AAH!

- I'M GUESSING HE WOULD BEA BLACK BELT...

IF HE COULD WEARA BELT.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDSON THE CLOCK

FOR THE FIRST TIMEIN 2012.

- AAH!

- FIGHTINGIS THE ONLY ANSWER

WHEN RUNNING AWAYIS NEVER AN OPTION.

- [grunts]

- I ASSUME ALL HIS KARATELESSONS WERE HALF OFF.

- AAH!

- HIS ARCH NEMESISIS STAIRS.

- AAH!

- HE'S BEEN BANNEDFROM TOURNAMENTS

'CAUSE HE REFUSESTO BOW.

OOH.

- [grunts]

- ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY SLAP SOMESWIFFER PADS ON THOSE STUMPS,

AND THAT LINOLEUMWILL SPARKLE.

- [grunting]

- THAT WAS THE LONGEST20 SECONDS IN THE WORLD.

- THIS IS ROCK, PAPER, BALLS.BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM, BOYS.

- OH, MY GOD.- READY?

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.

- [groans]

- [laughing]ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.

- OH, OH!

AAH!

- ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.

- [screams]

- ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.

- [groans]

[laughter]

- THAT WAS ROCK,PAPER, BALLS,

THE SPORT THAT'S SWEEPINGTHE TOWN OF CANADA.

I THOUGHT IT WASABOUT TIME TO BRING IT

TO THE GOOD OLD U.S. OF A.,

SO I SET UP A CHAMPIONSHIPTOURNAMENT IN MY OFFICE.

AND FOR OBVIOUS REASONS,I CAN'T AFFORD

TO BE LETTING PEOPLEWHACK THESE SWEET TESTICLES,

SO I FORCED A STAND-INTO TAKE THE HITS FOR ME.

- OKAY,PUT YOUR PILLOWCASES ON.

- I BROUGHT MINE FROM HOME.HAS LITTLE BOYS ON IT.

AND NO,IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GUYS THINK.

I KEEP THIS PILLOWBETWEEN MY LEGS AT NIGHT.

PART OF THE SANDUSKYHOME COLLECTION.

REMEMBER, HIT HER, NOT ME,OR YOU WILL BE FIRED.

OH, GOD.THIS IS NERVE-RACKING.

- ONE, TWO, THREE,SHOOT.

SHOOT.

- [screams]

AAH!

- OH!

- TWO, THREE,SHOOT.

- AAH!

- [squeals]- [groans]

- OH, GOD.I KNOW IT'S COMING.

- [screams]

- TWO, THREE,SHOOT.

- [groans]- [squeals]

- ONE, TWO, THREE,SHOOT.

- [screams]

- LAST ONE, LAST ONE,LAST ONE.

ONE, TWO, THREE,SHOOT.

- [screams]

- THAT IS THE SECOND LARGESTAMOUNT OF FIST

OUR BLOGGER CARLY HAS HADIN HER CROTCH.

I'M OFFICIALLYTHE AMERICAN CHAMPION,

BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.I WANT THE WORLD TITLE.

SO PLEASE WELCOME THE INVENTOROF ROCK, PAPER, BALLS,

THE CANADIAN CHAMPIONMARK.

- HEY, DANIEL.THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

YOU'RE WEARING YOUR PILLOWCASE,RIGHT?

- YEP, I'M GETTING IT ONRIGHT NOW.

- OH, BAG 'EMAND TAG 'EM, BOYS.

- ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.READY?

ONE, TWO, THREE,SHOOT.

[gunshot]

I WIN!

STAKES ARE A LITTLE HIGHERIN THE INTERNATIONAL VERSION.

IF YOU KIDS THINKYOU CAN DO BETTER,

FEEL FREE TO BORROWYOUR PARENTS' GUN

AND MAKE YOUR OWNROCK, PAPER, HOMICIDE VIDEOS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME,

"DANIEL,WHAT FEMALE CELEBRITY

OVER 40WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH?"

I'M TIREDOF HEARING IT,

SO I'M GOING TO SETTHE RECORD STRAIGHT.

GOLDIE HAWN, 67.

I'M ACTUALLYA GOLDIE HAWN FAN.

I WOULD GO GOLDIE HAWNOVER KATE HUDSON.

THAT BEING SAID,NO CHANCE.

TINA FEY.

I THINK IT WOULD BEINTIMIDATING FOR ME

TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO THINKSSHE'S FUNNIER THAN I AM.

UH, SO, NO.

GWEN STEFANI.

NO.

LUCY LIU,YOU'RE IN MY WHEELHOUSE.

BUT IF I'M GOINGTO GO ASIAN,

I'M GOING WITH A REALLY,REALLY YOUNG ONE.

LIKE, INTERNATIONAL WATERSYOUNG.

SANDRA BULLOCK.

OH, AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.NO.

ANNETTE BENING.

THAT'S INTERESTING.

THAT IS INTERESTING.

YEAH,NOW THAT'S A HUGE "NO."

QUEEN LATIFAH.

THAT IS JUST--THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH.

THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME.I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.

COURTNEY LOVE.

IS IT EVEN CONSIDERED SEX IFI'D HAVE TO WEAR FOUR CONDOMS?

ALL RIGHT, NO.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER, 46.

EVERYONE S--EVERYONE TELLS MESHE HAS A GREAT BODY.

SHE LOOKSLIKE SHE'S HIT THE WALL

AND THEN KEPT RUNNING INTO ITOVER AND OVER.

SHARON STONE.

I'M GOING TO SAY THISON TELEVISION.

I HATE THIS WOMAN.

I H--I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

I HATEWHAT SHE STANDS FOR.

I DISAGREE WITH EVERY VIEWSHE'S EVER HAD.

THAT BEING SAID,SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,

AND I WOULD PROBABLY HAVE SEXWITH HER.

BROOKE--NO! UGH.

BY THE WAY, I W--I WANT TO GO BACK ON, UH,

UH, SHARON STONE.

UH, I--IN MY HEAD I'M LIKE,"YOU SAID YOU WOULD."

I DON'T THINK--I WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER.

SHARON STONE IS A N--BACK TO A "NO."

AND YOU'RE--BROOKE,YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A "NO."

OH, QUEEN ELIZABETH?

THAT ONE'S INTERESTING.

I'D LOVE TO HEARTHE CONVERSATION.

"DID YOU GUYS HEARWHO DANIEL JUST FUCKED?"

"NO, WHO?""QUEEN ELIZABETH."

"REALLY?"

"YEP,FUCKED QUEEN ELIZABETH."

"ARE THEY DATING?"

"DON'T KNOW."

ALL RIGHT, I THINK WHATWE'VE LEARNED FROM THIS BIT

IS THATI WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX

WITH ANY WOMANOVER THE AGE OF 40.

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU GUYSTO FREAK OUT, OKAY?

DON'T FEEL BAD LIKE,"OH, WHAT CAN I DO?"

NOTHING.

I'M PRETTY SURE I WOULDN'TSLEEP WITH ANYONE

OVER THE AGE OF 30.

YEAH, THAT'S A FACT.

OR ANY WOMAN.

THAT IS MY FAVORITE SCENEIN THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

NOW LET'S FIND OUTIF THIS PICNIC

HAS A HAPPY ENDINGIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

HIS HAND IS DEFINITELYIN THE HONEY POT.

THIS MUST BE A FOREIGN COUNTRY,BECAUSE IN AMERICA,

ONLY GAY PEOPLE AND UNWILLINGVICTIMS HAVE SEX IN PARKS.

SHE MOVES FASTBECAUSE WE ALL KNOW REDHEADS

DON'T HAVE TIME FOR FOREPLAYIN DIRECT SUNLIGHT.

OH, MAN.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEEWHAT THERAPIST JOE

SAYS ABOUTTHIS BLIND DATE.

YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH HIM.HE'S A THERAPIST.

IT'S JUST WHAT EVERY GUY WANTS--A DRY TUGGER.

YOU KNOW WHO GIVESTHE BEST HANDIES?

ME...TO MY OWN PENIS...

AND MY FRIENDS...

AND SOMEOF THEIR FRIENDS.

AND THAT'S IT.

EASY, BIG RED.

NORTH AND SOUTH,NOT EAST AND WEST.

GOOD LORD,THAT LOOKS AWFUL.

IS SHE ABOUT TO THROW DICEIN HIS PANTS?

I'LL BETTHE COME LINE.

OOPS.

WE GOT A SHOOTERON THE GRASSY KNOLL.

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIMETO BREAK UP WITH HER.

GRASS AND DNA ARETHE TOUGHEST STAINS TO GET OUT.

RIGHT?

YOU GOTTA PRESOAK.

NOW GO ICEYOUR SHOULDER.

YOU'RE PROBABLY PITCHINGAGAIN TONIGHT.

HEY!

THE PARK IS NOTYOUR SPOOGE RAG.

AT LEAST A BEAUTIFUL TREEWILL GROW THERE NOW.

BY THE WAY, I'M AWARETHIS MAY RUIN THIS GIRL'S LIFE,

BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'TJERK GUYS OFF IN A MEADOW.

I'M JUST GLAD HE FINISHED UPBEFORE THE DISC GOLFERS ARRIVED.

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

THE COOTER LOOTERSTRIKES AGAIN.

THAT'S A REAL GOOD WAYTO LOSE YOUR COSTCO MEMBERSHIP.

I WOULDN'T MIND GETTING A WHIFFOF THAT FIVE-FINGER DISCOUNT.

I'M A BITOF A KLEPTOMANIAC MYSELF.

- EXCUSE ME, SIR.DO YOU NEED HELP WITH ANYTHING?

- UH, NO,JUST CHECKING OUT THE CARS.

- OKAY, WELL, IF YOU NEEDANYTHING, I'LL BE AROUND.

JUST GRAB ME.- ALL RIGHT.

- APPRECIATE IT.

[laughter]

SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALLTHE POLICE.

- [high-pitched voice]WELL, I NEVER--

I'M JUSTA LITTLE OLD LADY

TRYING TO GO SHOPPING.

I'VE BEEN TOLD I HAVETHE ANAL STRENGTH

OF MAGNUS VER MAGNUSSON.

- LOOK WHAT JUST ROLLED UP,YO.

- OH, MY GOD.

- WHOO!DANG, YO.

- DAMN,THIS CAR IS NICE.

- DAD,CAN I SEE THE KEYS?

[car starts]

- YO!OH, THE BRAKE!

[crash]

HOLY SHIT.

DAMN.

- WRECKING YOUR DAD'S CARIS WORSE

THAN CALLING YOUR MOMA CUNT.

I SHOULD KNOW.

I'VE DONE BOTHON THE SAME DAY.

THAT'S JOEY, AND HE TOOKTHAT PUSSY MAGNET

FROM ZERO TO "OH, SHIT"IN NO TIME.

NO CAR SCREAMS"I USE LEVITRA"

MORE THANA CHERRY RED 'STANG.

WHO BUYS A MUSTANG?

THEY DON'T BELONGIN YOUR DRIVEWAY.

THEY BELONG ON A PLATFORMSURROUNDED BY PENNY SLOTS.

THEY'RETHE WHITE MAN'S IMPALA.

THAT'S THE THINGABOUT NEW CARS.

THEY LOSE HALF THEIR VALUETHE MINUTE YOU LET

A 14-YEAR-OLD DRIVE THEMTHROUGH A WALL.

ANYONE WHO THINKS BOWLING IS FUNAND BIEBER IS TALENTED

SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED TO OPERATETWO TONS OF AMERICAN STEEL.

THERE SHOULDN'T BE A WRITTENEXAM TO GET YOUR LICENSE.

YOU KNOW WHO'S GREAT AT TESTSAND SUCKS AT DRIVING?

ALL ASIANS.

PICKING OUT A FIRST CARIS A BIG MOMENT.

YOU NEED SOMETHING RELIABLEWITH LOW MILEAGE

THAT YOU WON'T BE EMBARRASSEDTO WRAP AROUND A TREE

AND BURN ALIVE INAFTER PROM.

MY FIRST CARWAS A HONDA CIVIC S.I.

YEAH, THAT HADTHE EXTRA PONIES.

I REMEMBER THATLIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

RIGHT AFTER THAT, I ROLLED DOWNTHE WINDOW OF MY CAR,

CRANKED THE STEREO,AND SCREAMED "QUEER"

AT THE FIRST JOGGER I SAW.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.

DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON ME,RICKY BOBBY.

JOEY WAS JUST TOO FASTAND TOO FURIOUS.

SO THAT'S WHY I PUT$3 IN THE TANK AND ASKED HIM

TO JOIN ME IN L.A. ON THE MOSTCONGESTED STREETS IN THE U.S.

FOR THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

- HEY.- HOW'S IT GOING, JOE?

BEFORE WE LET YOU BEHINDTHE WHEEL, WE NEED TO MAKE SURE

THAT YOU CAN LEGALLY DRIVE HEREIN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.

- RIGHT.

- AND I'M GONNA SWITCHMY DONOR STATUS

BECAUSE I DON'T WANTANY HOBOS WALKING AROUND

WITH MY CELEBRITY ORGANS, RIGHT?FUCK THEM.

- YEAH.- PFFT, WHAT DO THEY DO?

ALL RIGHT, JOE,WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

- I'M FROM NEW JERSEY.

- YOU HAVE YOURDRIVER'S LICENSE THERE?

- YEAH.- TELL ME ABOUT THAT VIDEO.

- THE CAR JUST PULLED UPFROM THE DEALERSHIP ACTUALLY,

AND THE GUY LEFT THE CARWITH THE KEYS IN THE IGNITION.

AND THE "E" BRAKE WASN'T ON,AND THE CAR WAS IN FIRST GEAR.

TURNED THE CAR ON,AND AS I LET GO OF THE CLUTCH,

THE CAR JUST WENT BECAUSE IT HAD500 HORSEPOWER AND 450 TORQUE.

- YOUR FATHER WAS INTERESTEDIN BUYING IT

AND HAD NOT PURCHASED IT YET?- NO.

- DID HE BUY IT?- YEAH.

- AFTER YOU WRECKED IT?

- I-IT WAS HIS FRIEND, SO HEDIDN'T WANT TO GET HIM FIRED.

- DID IT DO A LOT OF DAMAGE?- $30,000.

- HOW OLD WERE YOUWHEN IT WAS HAPPENING?

- UH, 13 OR 14.

- SO DO YOU EVER BLAMEYOUR FATHER FOR THIS?

- NO.

- I MEAN, IT REALLY WASCOMPLETELY THEIR FAULT.

COMPLETE NEGLIGENCE.- YEAH, YEP.

- HAD YOU EVER DRIVEN A CARBEFORE EVER?

- UH, NO.

- AND THEY WANTED YOUTO START THE CAR?

- NO.

- ALL RIGHT,A LITTLE MORE YOUR FAULT.

- YEAH.- WHAT ROOM DID YOU CRASH INTO?

- UH, I HIT MY BATHROOM.- YOUR BATHROOM?

- NO, IT WAS, LIKE, THE--WHEN YOU GO IN THE HOUSE,

THERE'S A BATHROOMWHEN YOU FIRST WALK IN.

- A POWDER ROOM.- YEAH.

- IS THERE A SHOWER IN THERE?- YEAH.

- BATHTUB TOO?- NO.

- OKAY, SO 3/4.- YEAH.

- WAS ANYONE IN THE SHOWER?- UH, NO.

- WAS ANYONE SHITTING?- NO.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN FUNNY THOUGH.- THAT WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT.

DID YOU SHIT YOURSELF?- I GOT NERVOUS.

- WERE YOU CRYING?- A LITTLE BIT. I WAS SCARED.

- YOU WERE CRYING BECAUSEOF FEAR, NOT BECAUSE OF PAIN.

- YEAH, I DIDN'T KNOW--- THAT'S THE WORST TYPE OF CRY.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST PUSSYTYPE OF CRY.

HOW MUCH DID THE MUSTANG COST?- UH, $60,000.

- $60,000 MUSTANG?- IT WAS AN ELEANOR.

- HOW LONG WAS ITIN THE SHOP FOR?

- UH, PROBABLY A FEW MONTHS.

- DID IT HAVE THE NEW-CAR SMELLWHEN IT CAME OUT?

- YEAH.

- IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICEIF YOU'D HAVE BEEN,

LIKE, IN AN ASTON MARTIN.- YEAH, A FERRARI OR SOMETHING.

- RIGHT? YOU'D HAVE GOTTENTHROUGH THE LIVING ROOM.

- YEAH.- WAS YOUR DAD IN HIGH SCHOOL,

OR DOES HE JUST HAVEAWFUL TASTE IN CARS?

- UH, PROBABLY JUSTTHE AWFUL TASTE.

- DO YOU THINK BECAUSE YOUR DADBOUGHT A CHERRY RED MUSTANG

IT SAYS ANYTHINGABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS DICK?

- YOU NEVER KNOW.- I--WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW.

YOU'VE NEVER SEENYOUR FATHER'S PENIS?

- NO!- REALLY?

- NO, I HAVEN'T.

- DO YOU HAVEANY TRAFFIC VIOLATIONS?

- SPEEDING.

- HOW FAST WERE YOU GOING?- 100.

- DID YOU HAVE TO GO TO COURT?- YEAH.

- HOW MUCH WAS THE TICKET?- LIKE, $300.

- SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.- GOT IT REDUCED A LITTLE BIT.

- YEAH, YOU ALWAYSGET IT REDUCED

FOR SHOWING UPAND BEING WHITE.

I WRECKED MY MOM'S CARWHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

I TOLD HER THAT I WAS HAVINGA SNEEZING FIT,

WHICH WAS BELIEVABLE BECAUSEI HAD REALLY BAD ALLERGIES--

- SHOULD'VE TRIED THAT.

- BUT I DON'T KNOWIF THAT'S TRUE.

I'VE BEEN TELLING THAT LIEFOR SO LONG

THAT I DON'T KNOWWHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

I WAS WITH MY GIRLFRIEND ATTHE TIME, JESSICA DALE BARKER.

BEAUTIFUL GIRL.YEAR YOUNGER. SOLID "D" CUP.

- SHOULD'VE KEPT HER.- EH--

ALL RIGHT, THIS LINEIS TAKING WAY TOO LONG.

UH, JOE?

GO AHEADAND READ THIS CHART.

- N-I-N-E-

E-L-E-V-E-N-W-A-S-A-N--

- INSIDE JOB?LET'S TRY THIS ONE.

- M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-EHAS AIDS.

- PERFECT.NOW FOR THE DRIVING PART.

[hip-hop music]

EVERYONE IN CALIFORNIADRIVES ONE OF THESE.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST THINGS FIRST.GET YOUR SEAT BELT OFF.

LOOSEN UP.

KNOCK IT OFFWITH THE 10:00 AND 2:00.

HERE IN CALI,JUST GRIP THAT SHIT AT NOON.

THERE YOU GO.- WHAT ARE THESE SWITCHES FOR?

- THOSE SWITCHESARE FOR THE BITCHES.

THEY'LL MAKE THAT ASS DROP.

GIVE IT A SHOT.

UH-HUH.

EVERYONE IN CALI KNOWS HOWTO DRIVE IN THREE WHEEL MOTION.

THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT,CONGRATULATIONS.

SOMEHOW YOU PASSEDYOUR CALIFORNIA DRIVING TEST.

- THANK YOU.

- ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GETTHE MUSTANG IN THE GARAGE.

BUT THIS TIME,YOU'LL BE RACING SOMEONE.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, YOUREADY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- YEAH.- GOOD LUCK.

[engines revving up]

ON YOUR MARK.

GET SET.

RACE.

[tires screech]

CONGRATULATIONS.

[hip-hop music]

>> HOW'S IT GOING, JOE?

THANKS FOR MEETING ME

AT THE D.M.V.

>> NO PROBLEM.

>> OKAY, SORRY, BUT BEFORE

WE LET YOU BEHIND THE WHEEL,

WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU

CAN LEGALLY DRIVE HERE IN

THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.

AND I'M GONNA SWITCH

MY DONOR STATUS,

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANY HOBOES

WALKING AROUND WITH MY CELEBRITY

ORGANS, RIGHT?

FUCK THEM.

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT DO THEY DO?

NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE SAY

"FUCK THE HOMELESS."

IT'S REALLY NICE.

ALL RIGHT, JOE,

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> I'M FROM NEW JERSEY.

>> YOU HAVE YOUR DRIVER'S

LICENSE THERE?

>> YEAH.

>> IS IT VALID?

>> YEP.

>> ARE YOU EVEN PART ASIAN?

>> NO.

>> TELL ME ABOUT THAT VIDEO.

>> THE CAR JUST PULLED UP

FROM THE DEALERSHIP, ACTUALLY,

AND THE GUY LEFT THE CAR

WITH THE KEYS IN THE IGNITION,

AND THE E-BRAKE WASN'T ON,

AND THE CAR WAS IN FIRST GEAR.

TURN THE CAR ON, AND AS I LET GO

OF THE CLUTCH, THE CAR JUST WENT

BECAUSE IT HAD 500 HORSEPOWER

AND 450 TORQUE.

>> YOUR FATHER WAS INTERESTED

IN BUYING IT AND HAD NOT

PURCHASED IT YET?

>> NO.

>> DID HE BUY IT?

>> YEAH.

>> AFTER YOU WRECKED IT?

>> IT WAS HIS FRIEND, SO HE

DIDN'T WANT TO GET HIM FIRED.

>> DID IT DO A LOT OF DAMAGE?

>> $30,000.

>> THEY REALLY DO DEPRECIATE

QUICKLY ONCE YOU TAKE THEM OFF

THE LOT.

>> YEAH.

>> HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN

IT WAS HAPPENING?

>> UH, 13 OR 14.

>> SO DO YOU EVER BLAME

YOUR FATHER FOR THIS?

>> NO.

>> I MEAN, IT REALLY WAS

COMPLETELY THEIR FAULT,

COMPLETE NEGLIGENCE.

>> YEP.

>> HAD YOU EVER DRIVEN A CAR

BEFORE EVER?

>> UH, NO.

>> AND THEY WANTED YOU

TO START THE CAR?

>> NO.

>> OH, YOU DID THAT ON YOUR OWN?

>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT, A LITTLE MORE

YOUR FAULT.

>> YEAH.

>> WHO GOT REALLY UPSET

WITH YOU?

>> MY DAD.

>> TO THIS DAY, DOES HE THINK

IT'S FUNNY?

>> YEAH, HE LAUGHS

A LITTLE BIT.

>> DID YOUR DAD PUNISH YOU?

>> HE WAS JUST HAPPY THAT

I WAS OKAY.

>> WAS HE HAPPY YOU WERE OKAY

IMMEDIATELY?

WAS THERE CONCERN ABOUT YOU

IMMEDIATELY, OR--

>> NO, PROBABLY NOT.

>> DO YOU THINK YOU GOT WRITTEN

OUT OF YOUR FATHER'S WILL?

>> MAYBE.

NEVER KNOW.

>> I DON'T THINK I'M WRITTEN OUT

OF MY FATHER'S WILL,

WHICH IS DEPRESSING,

BECAUSE THAT MEANS I'M GONNA

HAVE TO TRAVEL TO FLORIDA

TO COLLECT THAT $4,000.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE DRIVING THROUGH

YOUR HOUSE?

>> I KIND OF BLACKED OUT

A LITTLE BIT.

>> DID YOU FLEE THE SCENE

OF THE ACCIDENT?

>> NO, NO.

>> AND JUST RUN TO YOUR ROOM?

>> [laughs]

>> WHAT ROOM DID YOU CRASH INTO?

>> I HIT MY BATHROOM.

>> YOUR BATHROOM?

>> NO, IT WAS, LIKE--

WHEN YOU GO IN THE HOUSE,

THERE'S A BATHROOM WHEN

YOU FIRST WALK IN.

>> OH, A POWDER ROOM.

>> YEAH.

>> IS THERE A SHOWER IN THERE?

>> YEAH.

>> OH, THERE IS A SHOWER.

BATHTUB TOO?

>> NO.

>> OKAY, SO 3/4.

>> YEAH.

>> WAS ANYONE IN THE SHOWER?

>> NO.

>> WAS ANYONE SHITTING?

>> [laughs] NO.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY,

THOUGH.

>> THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT.

DID YOU SHIT YOURSELF?

>> I GOT NERVOUS. I DID.

>> WERE YOU CRYING?

>> A LITTLE BIT.

I WAS SCARED.

>> YOU WERE CRYING BECAUSE OF

FEAR, NOT BECAUSE OF PAIN.

>> YEAH, I DIDN'T KNOW--

>> THAT'S THE WORST TYPE

OF CRY.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST PUSSY TYPE

OF CRY.

>> [laughs]

>> HOW MUCH DID THE MUSTANG

COST?

>> $60,000.

>> $60,000 MUSTANG?

>> IT WAS AN ELEANOR.

>> IS THAT A REFERENCE TO

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS?

>> UH, IT'S LIKE

THE NEWER VERSION.

>> HOW LONG WAS IT IN THE SHOP

FOR?

>> PROBABLY A FEW MONTHS.

>> DID IT HAVE A NEW CAR SMELL

WHEN IT CAME OUT?

>> YEAH.

>> AREN'T YOU GLAD IT WASN'T

A REAL SPORTS CAR?

>> YEAH, IT COULD HAVE BEEN

BETTER, YOU KNOW.

>> BEEN NICE IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN,

LIKE, IN AN ASTON MARTIN.

>> YEAH, A FERRARI OR SOMETHING.

>> RIGHT?

YOU'D HAVE GOTTEN TO

THE LIVING ROOM.

>> YEAH.

>> DID YOU RUIN YOUR FATHER'S

MIDLIFE CRISIS?

>> NAH, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE.

>> IS YOUR DAD IN HIGH SCHOOL,

OR DOES HE JUST HAVE AWFUL TASTE

IN CARS?

>> PROBABLY JUST THE AWFUL

TASTE.

>> YOU KNOW WHEN I LIKED

MUSTANGS?

WHEN VANILLA ICE SAID SAID,

"ROLLIN' IN MY 5.0."

>> [laughs]

>> DO YOU THINK BECAUSE YOUR DAD

BOUGHT A CHERRY RED MUSTANG,

IT SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT THE SIZE

OF HIS DICK?

>> NEVER KNOW.

>> WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW.

>> NO. [laughs]

>> YOU'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR

FATHER'S PENIS?

>> NO!

>> REALLY?

>> NO, I HAVEN'T.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY TRAFFIC

VIOLATIONS?

>> SPEEDING.

>> HOW FAST WERE YOU GOING?

>> 100.

>> WHOA!

IN THE LIVING ROOM?

>> [laughs]

YEAH.

>> DID YOU HAVE TO GO TO COURT?

>> YEAH.

>> HOW MUCH WAS THE TICKET?

>> I THINK $300.

>> SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

>> GOT IT REDUCED A LITTLE BIT.

>> YOU ALWAYS GET IT REDUCED

FOR SHOWING UP AND BEING WHITE.

>> [laughs]

>> I WRECKED MY MOM'S CAR

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

I TOLD HER THAT I WAS HAVING

A SNEEZING FIT, WHICH WAS

BELIEVABLE BECAUSE I HAD

REALLY BAD ALLERGIES.

>> SHOULD HAVE TRIED THAT.

>> BUT I DON'T KNOW

IF THAT'S TRUE.

I'VE BEEN TELLING THAT LIE

FOR SO LONG THAT I DON'T KNOW

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

I WAS WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AT

THE TIME, JESSICA DALE BARKER.

BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

YEAR YOUNGER.

SOLID "D" CUP.

>> SHOULD HAVE KEPT HER.

>> EH.

I'M OKAY THAT WE'RE NOT--

SHE IS--SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

EH, I MEAN...

SHE'S--SHE'S--YOU KNOW?

SHE'S MY AGE.

WHO WANTS TO DATE SOMEBODY 35?

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

>> YEAH.

>> ARE YOU A GOOD DRIVER?

>> UH, YEAH.

>> DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF

AN AGGRESSIVE DRIVER?

>> I'M DEFENSIVE.

>> WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU GIVE

FOR NEW DRIVERS?

>> DON'T POP THE CLUTCH.

>> "DON'T POP THE CLUTCH."

DO YOU LAUGH AT PEOPLE WHEN

YOU SEE THEM STALL

ON PUBLIC STREETS?

>> UH, YEAH.

>> HAVE YOU EVER KILLED ANYONE?

>> [laughs] NO.

>> HAVE YOU EVER KILLED

AN ANIMAL?

>> NO.

>> YOU EVER DROVE OVER

AN ANIMAL?

>> [laughs] YEAH.

>> OH!

>> IT WAS A RACCOON.

AT LEAST IT WASN'T A BUNNY.

>> THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY'RE DOING.

SURE, A BUNNY, THAT'LL RUIN

YOUR DAY.

>> [chuckles]

>> RACCOON, YOU--YOU KNOW,

YOU SAVE SOME PEOPLE IN THE

NEIGHBORHOOD A HEADACHE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS LINE IS TAKING

WAY TOO LONG.

UH, JOE?

GO AHEAD AND READ THIS CHART.

>> N-I-N-E

E-L-E-V-E-N

W-A-S

A-N...

>> #INSIDEJOB.

LET'S TRY THIS ONE.

>> M-I-C-K-E-Y

M-O-U-S-E

HAS AIDS.

>> PERFECT.

NOW FOR THE DRIVING PART.

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