January 18, 2011 - Brian Atene

  • 01/18/2011

Aspiring actor Brian Atene gets a Web Redemption, and Daniel's black fans share the love on Twitter.

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

- WOW.

[laughter]

- WOW IS RIGHT.

CAN'T WE JUST SNUGGLE?

NOPE.GET OUT THE TARP.

GOTTA BE A BETTER WAYTO TELL IF IT'S RIPE.

DO NOT GO DOWN ON HERWHEN SHE'S ANGRY.

[audience ohs]

SHE IS GONNA HAVEAN ANT PROBLEM.

SHE SEEMS LIKETHE PERFECT EMPLOYEE

FOR MY NEW SIDE PROJECT.

- WELCOME TO TOSH.JUICE,

WHERE TOSH'S JUICEIS MY PASSION.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

- A LARGE FRUITYMANGO BLAST, PLEASE.

- ONE LARGE FRUITYMANGO BLAST.

- GOD DAMN IT.ANOTHER LARGE?

NO MEDIUMS AROUND HERE?NO!

WHAT GOES IN IT?MANGO? A LITTLE MANGO?

[groans]

OH!

[audience laughter]

- [groans]

I'M SICK OF THESE HAWAIIANSCOMING IN HERE,

ORDERING PINEAPPLE,EVERYTHING PINEAPPLE.

IT HURTS!

YOU GUYS WANTA FREE PROTEIN SQUIRT?

- SURE. WHY NOT?- SHUT UP.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHY I DO SO MANYKEGEL EXERCISES.

- HEY, I'M GONNA MAKE YOUWORK FOR YOUR DOLLAR.

SAY SOMETHING WITHTHAT GREAT RADIO VOICE.

- WHEN YOU'RE LISTENING TONOTHING BUT THE BEST OF OLDIES,

YOU'RE LISTENING TOMAGIC 98.9.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.GOD BLESS YOU.

- ARE YOU SICKOF THIS GUY YET?

[laughter]

I AM.

HE ALREADY HAS BEENOFFERED A JOB

AS THE VOICE OFTHE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS.

BUT DON'T GETTOO ATTACHED TO HIM, CAVS FANS.

AS SOON AS HE GETSREALLY GOOD,

I'M SURE HE'S GONNA TAKEHIS TALENTS TO SOUTH BEACH.

CLEARLY, THIS GUYIS ONE IN A MILLION.

MOST PEOPLE ARE HOMELESSFOR A REASON--

BECAUSE THEY ARE TALENTLESS.

AND I WENT OUT TO PROVE IT.

[laughter]

- EXCUSE ME,BEFORE I GIVE YOU A DOLLAR,

COULD YOU READ THIS?

- SURE.

- GOOD EVENING,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST,DANIEL TOSH.

- THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.THANK YOU.

CAN I GET YOU TO READ THIS?

- SURE.

GOOD EVENING,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST,DANIEL TOSH.

- CAN I GET YOU TO READ THIS?

- BUENOS NOCHES, SENORAS Y SENORES.

Y BIENVENIDOS A TOSH.0.

AHORA QUE ESTAN ANFITRION, DANIEL TOSH.

- MUCHOS GRACIAS.

LET'S SEE HOWTHESE GUYS SOUND.

- [plays note on harmonica]

[all]♪ WAIT TILL THE SUN SHINES

♪ NELLY

♪ WHEN THE CLOUDSGO DRIFTING BY ♪

♪ WE WILL BE HAPPY, NELLY

♪ DON'T YOU CRY

♪ DOWN LOVER'S LANEWE'LL WANDER ♪

♪ SWEETHEARTS,YOU AND I ♪

♪ WAIT TILL THE SUN SHINES,NELLY ♪

♪ BY AND

♪ BY

♪ BY AND

- ♪ BY

- ♪ YES, BY AND BY

[cheers and applause]

- HERE'S A DOLLAR.

I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

IT TURNS OUT EVERYONETHAT LIVES IN THE STREETS

IN LOS ANGELESIS ADDICTED TO METH

AND HAS A BEAUTIFUL,SILKY SMOOTH VOICE.

ABOUT RACIAL STEREOTYPES,

BUT THE TRUTH IS,BLACK PEOPLE LOVE ME.

YEAH. AND I ASKED THEM WHYON TWITTER.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS,TWITTER DOESN'T HAVE A BUTTON

THAT LETS YOU SORT PEOPLEBY RACE.

I KNOW.TOTAL FLAW.

SO I HAVE TO GUESSIF MY FOLLOWERS ARE BLACK

BASED ONLY ON PROFILE PICSAND TONE.

"YOUR CARDIGAN GAME IS SICK."

[laughter]

WELL, THEN I KNOW YOU LOVE♪ COLLAR

[laughter]

"THE WHITE GIRLSIN THE AUDIENCE.

GOTTA LOVETHAT WHITE MEAT ;)

[laughter]

I LIKE DARK MEAT.

I KNOW IT'S NOT HEALTHYFOR YOU.

[laughter]

I CAN'T WIN.

"HAHA U KEEP IT GANGSTAAND SPEAK YO MIND,

"THEM GAY JOKESIS KILLIN' ME THO.

MAKES ME WONDER.HMMM"

[laughter]

"YOUR BOYISH ANDSOMEWHAT FEY CHARM,

COMBINED WITH YOUR'NOTHING IS SACRED' ATTITUDE."

HOW DO I KNOWTHAT'S A BLACK PERSON?

I CAN TELL.

"I WATCH YOUR SHOW BECAUSEYOU MAKE FUN OF ALL RACES.

P.S. YOU SHOULD GO A LITTLEHARDER ON THE ASIANS."

[laughter]

DULY NOTED.

[gong]

- "YOU'RE FREAKIN'HILARIOUS.

YOU MAKE A DULL DAYSO MUCH BRIGHTER."

NOW, I KNOW THAT'S A PICTUREOF A WHITE GIRL,

BUT I ASSUME THAT'S JUSTHIS BABY'S MAMA.

[laughter]

"YOU REMIND ME OF MY BOY,SHIFTY,

"WHO GOT LOCKED UPEIGHT MONTHS AGO.

I MISS SHIFTY."

WE ALL MISS SHIFTY.

WITH A BABY WEIGHT.

[audience ohs]

YEP, THAT'S A REAL BABY.

YEAH,I'M NO PEDIATRICIAN,

UH, BUT THAT BABY IS GONNAHAVE A GREAT CORE.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDSON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTSWE CAN POST

BEFORE HER BABY BREAKS.

DO YOU THINK IT'S A ROUTINE,OR IS SHE JUST FREE-STYLING?

MAYBE SHE HATES HER BABY.

DID ANYONE CONSIDER THAT?

THAT BABY IS GONNA GROW UPTO EITHER BE A TRAPEZE ARTIST

OR A MOM MURDERER.

BE CAREFUL!

SHE'LL BREAKHER BABY'S BACK RIBS.

BARBECUE SAUCE.

SOMETHING TELLS METHAT BABY'S DISMOUNT

IS GONNA BEINTO THE DUMPSTER.

[thumping sound effect]

I SAID DUMPSTER.

[laughter]

IT'S A LOT HARDERWITH DEVIL STICKS.

[audience laughter]

[thud]

[laughter]

EVERYONEIS DOING THE DOUGIE.

[laughter]

YOU ARE NOT A TRUE FANOF THIS SHOW

IF YOU DON'T THINKTHAT'S THE GREATEST VIDEO

WE'VE EVER PUT ON THE AIR.

LET'S ALL GATHER 'ROUNDAND FORM A CIRCLE JERK

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

IRELAND--A COUNTRYSO FULL OF DRUNKS,

THEY STILL THINK U2IS A GOOD BAND.

[laughter]

THEY'RE CELEBRATINGARTHUR'S DAY,

MY FAVORITEMADE-UP HOLIDAY,

WHICH MEANS THEY HAVEEVEN MORE GUINNESS

COURSING THROUGH THEIRPOTATO-CLOGGED VEINS THAN USUAL.

AH, IT MUST BE EASYTO BE THE BEST BREAK-DANCER

IN A PLACE WHERE THERE'SNO SUCH THING AS BLACK PEOPLE.

[laughter]

DON'T JUDGE.

THIS IS HOW THE WAHLBERG BOYSGOT THEIR START.

FACT: PROPER PUSHUP FORMIS ESSENTIAL

WHEN THERE'S REAL DANGEROF YOUR BARE PENIS

DRAGGING OVER COBBLESTONE.

O'BRIEN'S BUDDY SEES THATIT'S A PANTS-OFF DANCE-OFF

AND ACCEPTS THE CHALLENGE.

THERE IS NOTHING GAYABOUT THIS.

BUT HERE COMES A MOVETHEIR ADOPTED GRANDKIDS

WILL HEAR ABOUT--THE HANDSTAND JOB.

STARTING TO GETA LITTLE GAY HERE.

HE'S PERFORMING A SOLOON O'BRIEN'S SKIN FLUTE.

YOU THINK HE TAKES REQUESTS?

THE CROWD LOVES IT.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW IFONE OF THOSE BOYS CREAMS,

A LEPRECHAUN WILL APPEAR.

I'M JUST GLADIRELAND'S VIRAL VIDEOS

ARE MORE FUN TO LOOK ATTHAN THEIR WOMEN.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

BRIAN.

- [laughs]

GOOD TO SEE YOU THERE, DARLING.GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.DANIEL.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

- I AM FROM PHILADELPHIA.

- YOU STILL TALKTHE EXACT SAME.

- THANK YOU, DARLING.THAT'S ACTOR--ACTOR SPEAK.

- ARE YOU THIRSTY?

- YEAH.I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE, TOSH.

- LET ME SEE IFMY ASSISTANT'S AROUND.

CAN WE GET A COFFEE FOR HIM?- YES.

- AND PLEASE BRING IT BACKWITHOUT YOUR SHIRT ON.

[laughter]

ARE YOU STILL ACTING?

- NO. I AM THE MOSTSUCCESSFUL WAITER.

- HOW LONG HAVE YOUBEEN WAITING?

- OH, I'D SAYABOUT 20 YEARS.

- HOW IN THE WORLDDO YOU NOT HAVE A CAREER

AND DAX SHEPARD DOES?

- I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHO DAX SHEPARD IS.

- EXACTLY.

THANK YOU.

YOU CAN JUST STAY THEREFOR A LITTLE BIT.

[laughter]

- OH, THANK YOU.

- DID YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BEAN ACTOR?

- NO. I THINK I ALWAYSWANTED TO BE A FILM DIRECTOR.

- DID YOU EVER PURSUE IT?

- WELL, YEAH, I DID,

BUT NOTHINGEVER BECAME OF IT.

- HOW LONG AGO DID YOUPUT THAT VIDEO ONLINE?

- THE VIDEO WAS MADEIN 1984.

THE IRONY OF IT IS, IT WAS NEVERSENT IN TO STANLEY KUBRICK.

PROPERLY PRONOUNCED"KOO-BRICK."

- YOU ENUNCIATE ITA LITTLE BIZARRE.

- HOW DO YOU MEAN?- I DON'T KNOW.

IT JUST SEEMS SUCHLIKE A WEIRD ACCENT

THAT YOU'RETHROWING ON THINGS.

- NOT EVEN ON CRUTCHES!

- DID YOU REALLYATTEND JULLIARD?

- BRIAN ATENE ATTENDEDTHE JULLIARD SCHOOL

ON SCHOLARSHIP.

AND AT THAT TIME,I KNEW KEVIN SPACEY.

AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW,HE'S AS GAY AS PINK INK.

- ARE YOU STRAIGHT?

- DO I APPEAR GAY TO YOU,FOR GOD'S SAKE?

- EXTREMELY.

- I AM NOT GOING TO BE ABLE

TO GO BACK TO WORKWHEN THIS AIRS.

- HEAVEN FORBID THE OLIVE GARDENDOESN'T TAKE YOU BACK.

BRIAN ATENE,WHAT WAS YOUR LOW POINT?

- BEING ON THE TOSH PROGRAM.

[audience ohs]

- HERE'S WHAT I DID FOR YOU.

I GOT YOU AN AUDITION.

WHERE'S MY ASSISTANT?WHERE'S MY SCRIPT?

OH, THANK YOU.

HERE'S YOUR SIDES.

OH!

SORRY.GOT DISTRACTED.

- THIS IS REAL WORK.

- THAT'S GONNA OPENSOME DOORS FOR YOU.

- YEAH?

- OR SLAM THEM SHUT.

[upbeat music]

- NEXT.

- GOOD DAY, MR. SISKEL.- OKAY, GREAT.

CAN YOU GUYS JUSTGET ON WITH THIS, PLEASE?

- OF COURSE.

OH, BRIAN.DON'T YOU DIE ON ME.

NO!

[whispers]FAREWELL, MY LOVE.

- OKAY, DANIEL,YOU WERE AWFUL.

BRIAN, YOU GOT THE PART.

- HA!GOOD JOB, BUDDY.

YOU ARE NO MR. "KUE-BRICK."

[laughter]

WELCOME TO COUGAR TOWN.

- HERE WE ARE.- THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

IF I COULD GIVE YOU ANY ADVICE,IT'D BE NAIL COURTENEY COX.

OKAY?

YOU WOULD GET A REOCCURRINGROLE, GUARANTEED.

[knock on door]

- BRIAN?

- YES?- HEY. BILL LAWRENCE.

UH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'REGOING TO BE PLAYING TODAY?

- THE CREEPY PHOTOGRAPHER.- CREEPY PHOTOGRAPHER.

I THINK THE WAY TO PLAY IT

IS JUST TO--JUST TO BE YOURSELF,

AS IF IT'S A NORMAL THING.

- YOU'RE CREEPY.

- [laughs]

- ONE DAY IN HOLLYWOOD,YOU'RE ALREADY TYPECAST.

- NAILED.THANKS FOR DOING THIS.

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.- OF COURSE.

- ARE YOU NERVOUS AT ALL?

- I SCARED!

- THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READYTO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- YES.

- YOU'RE GONNA BETHE GREATEST ACTOR EVER.

- THANK YOU.

[bell rings]

- BRIAN ATENETO THE STAGE, PLEASE.

[Cougar Town theme music]

- PROMISE ME THIS WON'TGET CREEPIER.

- OH, HONEY, I PROMISE.

- SHOULD WE START WITHA GLASS OF SHERRY

BEFORE YOU GET UNDRESSED?

[dramatic music]

- THAT'S A WRAPON BRIAN'S SCENE.

[applause]

- YOU GUYS CASTTHE RIGHT CREEPY GUY.

Loading...