July 31, 2012 - Hurl-a-Whirl

  • 07/31/2012

Daniel consolidates two weeks of Olympics coverage, a Girl Scout lands on her face, and Tosh.0 staff members take the Sprite and bananas challenge.

NOT ALL HORSES HAVE THE WILD

[BLEEP] BEATEN OUT OF THEM.

>> Tosh: GOOD TIME TO MENTION

THE QUEER-BASHERS AT CHICK-FIL-A

ONLY SERVE HORSE MEAT.

NOW PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY COMMENTS WE CAN

MAKE.

HE USED APPLE-SCENTED BODY WASH

AND THEN BECAME THE DUMBEST

SUPERHERO EVER, HORSE SPIDERMAN.

THERE'S NOT A PRETT YEAR PLACE

ON EARTH TO PET MIL

ALL RIGHT.

TIME TO WORK ON HER FIRST-AID

BADGE.

>> I ALREADY SOLD 60 BOXES.

>> YOU DIDN'T DO [BLEEP].

THEY SELL THEMSELVES.

>> I USUALLY SELL LIKE TEN BOXES

BUT I SOLD 60.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: YOU KNOW WHO LOVES THIS

VIDEO, EVERYONE IN HER DAD'S

OFFICE.

LUCKILY THERE'S A THIN MINT IN

THE FREEZER FROM '07.

REDUCES SWELLING.

THERE'S A CONSPIRACY THEORY

GOING AROUND SHE DIDN'T FALL.

SHE WAS PUSHED.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]

>> OW.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

FIVE BUCKS A BOX.

COOKIES.

NUM, NUM, NUM.

>> Tosh: NOT ONE ACTING CLASS

EVER.

UNLESS NOBODY WATCHES IT I

PREDICT BRICKLEBERRY WILL BE A

SUCCESS AND AS YOU KNOW WHEN I

PUT A MOUTH ON SOMETHING IT

COMES TRUE AND HERE'S MORE

THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN WHILE

AWAY ON VACATION.

AUGUST 9, IN ADELE SEX TAPE WILL

LEAK ONLINE TO OVERWHELMINGLY

POSITIVE REVIEWS.

AUGUST 22, TOBEY MAGUIRE WILL

FIND A MYSTERIOUS LUMP ON HIS

BODY AND BE TOO AFRAID TO GET IT

CHECKED OUT REMEMBER, THE WORLD

IS PREDESTINED SO DON'T BLAME

ME.

IT'S GOD'S FAULT.

I JUST HAVE A GIFT.

ON AUGUST 29th, DURING THE

REMEMBER NATIONAL CONVENTION A

REPRESENTATIVE FROM NORTH

CAROLINA WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HIS

MIC IS STILL ON WILL CALL OBAMA

THE N WORD.

ON SEPTEMBER 2 THE PRICE OF A

GALLON OF GAS WILL GO UP AS MUCH

AS SIX CENTS IN A MAJOR MARKETS

.

DISREGARD IF YOU'RE NOT MAJOR

MARKET.

ON SEPTEMBER 5 BRAD PITT WILL

CHEAT ON ANGELINA JOLIE WITH

SOMEONE IN THE WARDROBE

DEPARTMENT OF HIS MOVIE.

THAT'S PROBABLY HAPPENING NOW.

SEPTEMBER 11, UNEVENTFUL,

BELIEVE IT FOR THE.

NOT A LOT HAPPENS THAT DAY.

SEPTEMBER 13th, APPLE WILL SHOCK

THE WORLD REVEALING THE APPLE 5

WOULD BE SLOWER THAN PREVIOUS

MODELS AND NOT AS BRIGHT.

ON SEPTEMBER 17th YOU'LL BE TEN

MINUTES LATE TO WORK.

SEPTEMBER 20th TIM TEBOW WILL

IMPREGNATE LO LO JONES LIE A

DREW HUMMING SESH AND THEN BRUCE

SPRINGSTEEN DIES IN A CARD

ACCIDENT ON SEPTEMBER 25th THE

CHEESE CAKE FACTORY WILL TAKE

>> Tosh: IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

PLUS HE JUST QUALIFIED FOR THE

PARALYMPIC.

EVERY FOUR YEARS WE SPEND TWO

WEEKS WATCHING ATHLETE COMPETE

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OWN A BOX OF

DISGUSTING CEREAL'S NO ONE'S

BOUGHT SINCE THE 50s.

WHO WANTS TO GO TO LONDON?

IT'S LIKE BOSTON WITH A BIG

CLOCK.

OLYMPICS HAVEN'T BEEN FUN SINCE

'92 SINCE THE DREAM TEAM.

BARCELONA STARTED CRANKING OUT

BEAUTIFUL MIXED-RACED BALLERS.

GREEKS ONLY CREATED THE OLYMPICS

BECAUSE THEY NEEDED SOMETHING TO

WATCH WHILE THEY EIGHT.

THAT'S THE 2012 TOSH.OLYMPICS

GAMES.

>> HE LOADS INTO THE BLOCKS IN

THE HISTORIC TOSH.OLYMPIAD

GAMES.

>> JUDO?

IT'S AS IF HE'S BEEN TRAINING

ALL MORNING.

THIS WILL MAKE THE REMATCH

TRICKY.

TIME TO THROW STUFF.

HE CHUCKS THE METAL FRISBEE AND

THE SOFTBALL.

TOSH RACES THROUGH THE FIELD

LIKE A BARREL-CHESTED [BLEEP].

OH, HITS HIS HEAD ON THE

RELEASE.

CAN WE SEE A REPLAY?

NO?

OKAY.

FOREHAND FOLLOWED BY A

TWO-HANDED BACKHAND INTO

WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS.

THE JUDGES AREN'T GOING TO LIKE

THAT.

HE CLEANS IT, HE JERKS IT AND

EVEN HAS TIME TO GET A QUICK NAP

IN.

THIS IS WHERE TOSH TRULY EXCELS

HANDLING BALLS.

SPIKES THE VOLLEYBALL INTO THE

CAMERA.

A HEADER FOR A GOOOAAAL!

LOOK OUT DREAM TEAM BECAUSE

LADANIEL JUST BROUGHT THE HOUSE

DOWN AND SHOTS UP FOR GYMNASTICS

AND HE POWDERED HIS NOSE FOR

EXTRA ENERGY.

TAKE THAT G SERIES.

JUST DELIGHTFUL.

SUCK IT CHINA.

MUST BE NICE TO HUG A MAN AND

NOT A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL THAT WILL

NEVER HAVE A PERIOD.

THAT COUNTS AS EQUESTRIAN?

SEEMS LIKE A STRETCH.

REMEMBER, NOBODY NEEDS AN

ASSAULT RIFLE FOR ANY REASON.

HE'LL PROBABLY GET A LOW SCORE

BECAUSE OF THAT BUT IT DOESN'T

SEEM TO BOTHER HIM AS HE SWIMS

INTO THE END OF THE POOL AND

INTO ROWING.

HERE IT IS.

THE FINAL LEG OF THE DECATHLON.

HE DOES IT THE JUDGES ARE

FACTORING IN TIME, DISTANCE AND

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY.

DANIEL TOSH JUST MADE DANIEL

PHELPS LOOK LIKE A LAZY BITCH.

>> Tosh: I COMPLETED IN RECORD

TIME NOW CAN WE START FOOTBALL

>> Tosh: IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

PLUS HE JUST QUALIFIED FOR THE

PARALYMPIC.

EVERY FOUR YEARS WE SPEND TWO

WEEKS WATCHING ATHLETE COMPETE

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OWN A BOX OF

DISGUSTING CEREAL'S NO ONE'S

BOUGHT SINCE THE 50s.

WHO WANTS TO GO TO LONDON?

IT'S LIKE BOSTON WITH A BIG

CLOCK.

OLYMPICS HAVEN'T BEEN FUN SINCE

'92 SINCE THE DREAM TEAM.

BARCELONA STARTED CRANKING OUT

BEAUTIFUL MIXED-RACED BALLERS.

GREEKS ONLY CREATED THE OLYMPICS

BECAUSE THEY NEEDED SOMETHING TO

WATCH WHILE THEY EIGHT.

THAT'S THE 2012 TOSH.OLYMPICS

GAMES.

>> HE LOADS INTO THE BLOCKS IN

THE HISTORIC TOSH.OLYMPIAD

GAMES.

>> JUDO?

IT'S AS IF HE'S BEEN TRAINING

ALL MORNING.

THIS WILL MAKE THE REMATCH

TRICKY.

TIME TO THROW STUFF.

HE CHUCKS THE METAL FRISBEE AND

THE SOFTBALL.

TOSH RACES THROUGH THE FIELD

LIKE A BARREL-CHESTED [BLEEP].

OH, HITS HIS HEAD ON THE

RELEASE.

CAN WE SEE A REPLAY?

NO?

OKAY.

FOREHAND FOLLOWED BY A

TWO-HANDED BACKHAND INTO

WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS.

THE JUDGES AREN'T GOING TO LIKE

THAT.

HE CLEANS IT, HE JERKS IT AND

EVEN HAS TIME TO GET A QUICK NAP

IN.

THIS IS WHERE TOSH TRULY EXCELS

HANDLING BALLS.

SPIKES THE VOLLEYBALL INTO THE

CAMERA.

A HEADER FOR A GOOOAAAL!

LOOK OUT DREAM TEAM BECAUSE

LADANIEL JUST BROUGHT THE HOUSE

DOWN AND SHOTS UP FOR GYMNASTICS

AND HE POWDERED HIS NOSE FOR

EXTRA ENERGY.

TAKE THAT G SERIES.

JUST DELIGHTFUL.

SUCK IT CHINA.

MUST BE NICE TO HUG A MAN AND

NOT A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL THAT WILL

NEVER HAVE A PERIOD.

THAT COUNTS AS EQUESTRIAN?

SEEMS LIKE A STRETCH.

REMEMBER, NOBODY NEEDS AN

ASSAULT RIFLE FOR ANY REASON.

HE'LL PROBABLY GET A LOW SCORE

BECAUSE OF THAT BUT IT DOESN'T

SEEM TO BOTHER HIM AS HE SWIMS

INTO THE END OF THE POOL AND

INTO ROWING.

HERE IT IS.

THE FINAL LEG OF THE DECATHLON.

HE DOES IT THE JUDGES ARE

FACTORING IN TIME, DISTANCE AND

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY.

DANIEL TOSH JUST MADE DANIEL

PHELPS LOOK LIKE A LAZY BITCH.

>> Tosh: I COMPLETED IN RECORD

TIME NOW CAN WE START FOOTBALL

>> STRIPED BANANA.

SUPPOSEDLY IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKEYOU PUKE.

[LAUGHTER]>> OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER]>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Tosh: JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH THEY'D BE PUKING IF THEY DRANK

THE SIERRA MIST [BLEEP].

SOME SCIENTIST FOUND OUT IF YOU DRINK IT AND GO ON IT WILL MAKE

YOU THROW UP.

THE ONLY TIME YOU SHOULD MAKE YOURSELF VOMIT IS IF YOU'D

SWALLOWED POISON OR NEED TO GO DOWN A DRESS SIZE.

RALPHING IS A STAPLE OF THIS SHOW BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW

BRILLIANT I AM I'LL NEVER BE FUNNIER THAN A GUY [BLEEP]ING

THROUGH HIS TEETH.

IF IT WERE UP TO ME THIS SHOW WOULD BE ABOUT FLIPPING

MILLION-DOLLAR HOUSES BUT COMEDYCENTRAL PAYS ME TO KEEP YOU

HAPPY I KNOW IT MEANS WE'LL PROBABLY

NEVER WIN AN EMMY BUT I'M FINE WITH AN ORGANIZATION THAT

CONSIDERS VEEP TO BE A SHOW AND I POUNDED BANANA AND SPRITE

BEFORE I RODE A CARNIVAL RIDE.

THIS IS WEEK'S REGURGITTION.

THIS IS WEEK'S REGURGITTION.

>> DID VISIT THE BANANA AND SPRITE STAND?

OKAY.

HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU?

I DON'T CARE.

LET'S GET YOU IN THERE.

LET'S GET YOU IN THERE.

THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.

THIS SHOULD BE DELIGHTFUL.

THIS RIDE DOESN'T STOP UNTIL EVERYONE POPS.

THE FIRST ONE TO BLOW.

YOU GET IT.

EAT YOUR BANANAS WE'LL THROW UP.

OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BANANA.

NOW IT'S TIME TO OBEY YOUR THIRST.

THIS IS ONLY LEVEL ONE.

LET'S KICK IT UP TO THE ADULT SETTING.

FREE REFILL?

WE HAVE A PUKER EVERYONE.

WE HAVE A PUKER.

WE HAVE A PUKER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> THAT'S NOBODY WAITING.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, ONE MORE TIME?

[CHEERING][LAUGHTER]

>> OKAY.

THERE WE GO, MY FRIEND.

GOOD JOB.

GOOD JOB.

LET ME GET YOUR SAFETIES.

THERE YOU GO.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING A HEADER.

THAT'S FINE.

[APPLAUSE]

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