October 15, 2013 - Sushi Eating Contest

  • 10/15/2013

Some kids turn a flooded gutter into a water park, and a man demands his shower gel.

ALL RIGHT, BE CAREFUL.

GLEN IS REALLY GRUMPY BEFOREHIS MORNING CUP OF COFFEE.

- GLEN, I'LL CLIMB THIS [bleep].- NO, NO, NO.

- I'M YOUR BEST [bleep] FRIEND.

- YOU ALREADY CLIMBED IT,YOU [bleep] ASS.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TOCLIMB UP HERE, EVEN WITH THAT...

- HE JUST GOT MUGGED.

- THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.

THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.

- THE HAZELNUT VERSUS

FRENCH VANILLA CREAMER BATTLERAGES ON.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOWHOW TO CLAIM YOUR ASS,

EVEN WITH THAT...

- AT LEAST HE'S NOTONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES

WHO HOLDS THEIR COFFEE MUGWITH TWO HANDS.

I TOO ENJOY HURTING PEOPLEWITH MUGS,

BUT I'M JUST A LITTLE MOREPASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

- HER NOT HAVING A JOBHAS ACTUALLY MADE HER HAPPIER.

- [groans]

- I DON'T KNOWHOW IT FELL APART SO FAST.

I'M GOING TO LOSE MY KIDS.

- YEAH, I SHOULD PROBABLY STAYOUT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD

FOR A WHILE.

- YOU'RE SITTING AROUNDEATING MARS BARS

WITH PETER SARSGAARD.

WE CALL IT "MARS BARSWITH PETER SARSGAARD."

- THAT'S GOOD.THAT'S GOOD.

- I THINK WE ALL REMEMBERHOW EXCITED I WAS

FOR LAST YEAR'S PARTY.- [laughs]

- WE'RE A LITTLEBEHIND SCHEDULE.

I'M HAVING A HARD TIMEBOOKING A WOMAN

WHO CAN PEE IN HER OWN MOUTH.

- YOUR MUG GOT ANY SMART-ASSREMARKS FOR ME?

- WHAT?NO!

CAN'T BELIEVEHE MADE ME RUIN

MY "WORLD'S BESTCLIP SHOW HOST" MUG.

HOPEFULLY I WILL BE NOMINATEDAGAIN SOMEDAY.

NOW, HERE'S PROOF THATSOME OF THOSE FLUSHED BABIES

ARE DOING FINE.

SEE, COLORADO?

THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE THE BESTOF A BAD SITUATION.

SURE...

YOU LOST EVERYTHING YOU SPENTYOUR ENTIRE LIFE WORKING FOR,

BUT NOW YOU LIVEIN A WATER PARK.

GUYS, THEY'RE GOING TO DIEON THE STREETS

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

YOU CAN'T KICK A DEFLATEDSOCCER BALL AROUND FOREVER.

UNLESS THIS ISWHERE DRAKE STARTED FROM,

HE'S BEEN LYING TO ALL OF US.

THAT'S THE BOTTOM.

CANADA?

THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME

I WENT ASS-SLIDINGWITH CRU JONES.

- THIS IS ASS-SLIDING.

- ♪ I HAVE A DREAM

- THIS RAINWATER RUNOFFHAS BEEN DRY FOR YEARS, CRU.

I'M JUST REALLY TURNED ONRIGHT NOW.

[screaming]

I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW

I LET ROD AND REXDOUBLE-TEAM ME ONCE.

THAT WAS A SPRINGBOARD

TO MY ROLE AS AUNT BECKYON FULL HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT,HERE'S WHY THOMAS EDISON

CAN GO [bleep] HIMSELF.

POOR WALL-E.

BLEW THROUGH HIS PIXAR MONEY,

HAD TO TAKE A JOBAT DAIRY QUEEN.

THEY NEED TO INVENT ONETHAT LIGHTLY TAPS THE 57.

YOU LOAD ONE OF THOSEWITH ANAL LUBE

AND YOU GOT YOURSELFAN INVESTOR.

SHARK TANK THAT [bleep].

KETCHUP IS FOR SQUARES.

YOU FOOD-BLOGGING HIPSTERSARE GONNA GO CRAZY

FOR MY NEW ROBOT.

SRIRACHA GOESON EVERYTHING!

- JUST A LITTLE ON MY TACO,PLEASE.

- RELAX, GUYS,IT'S A PROTOTYPE.

NOW THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL!

WHY ARE YOU ALLWEARING WHITE TODAY ANYWAY?

WHAT, ARE YOU GOING WIMBLEDON?

IT'S ALIVE!IT'S ALIVE!

WE ARE LIVING IN THE FUTURE.

EXCITING TIMES.WHAT'S NEXT?

- I SAID LET ME GO.- YEAH.

- LET ME GO.GIMME MY GEL!

- NO.PUT IT IN THE DRAWER.

- GIMME MY SHOWER GEL!- PUT IT DOWN.

- GIMME MY SHOWER GEL!- IT AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.

- GIMME MY SHOWER GEL!- MAN, YOU SHUT UP.

- GIMME MY [bleep] SHOWER GEL!

- OLD SPICE COMMERCIALS KEEPGETTING WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.

NOW LET'S SEE WHY I DOALL MY SHOPPING ONLINE

IN THIS WEEK'SMENTAL BREAKDOWN.

[hip-hop music][cheers and applause]

TARGET MAY BE ANTI-GAY,

BUT AT LEASTTHEY'RE NOT FILLED

WITH THE RIFFRAFFYOU FIND AT AN ECKERD.

AH, I HATE IT WHEN THEY PUT

ALL THOSE COOL IMPULSE BUYSRIGHT NEAR THE REGISTER.

NO, I DON'T NEED ANOTHERLAST-MINUTE NAKED BLACK MAN.

- GIMME MY SHOWER GEL!

- I'D HAVE PEGGED HIM MOREAS A BAR OF SOAP KIND OF GUY.

LISTEN, THE SOONER YOU GIVE HIMHIS SHOWER GEL,

THE SOONER HIS TAINTIS OFF YOUR COUNTER.

- GIMME MY [bleep] SHOWER GEL!

- OF COURSE HE'S UPSET.

THERE ARE NO REFILLS LEFTON HIS ANGEL DUST PRESCRIPTION.

- I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!

- YOU LOOK LIKE MORELIKE RICK ROSS, BITCH.

YOU BETTER BELIEVEHE'D GET HIS SHOWER GEL,

BECAUSE RICK ROSSIS THE BOSS.

- PUT YOUR DANG CLOTHES ON, MAN.WE GOT KIDS IN THE STORE.

- ALL RIGHT, FOR THE RECORD,ADULTS ARE GROSSED OUT TOO.

- MOVE THAT, COUSIN.COME ALONG.

LOOK AT THIS DUDE, MAN.YOU SERIOUS?

- THAT'S AS GOOD A PLACE AS ANYTO CHECK YOUR OWN OIL.

- OH, GEEZ!

- OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES,THAT'S WHY HE NEEDED SHOWER GEL.

MAYBE HE'S ONEOF THOSE SECRET SHOPPERS.

- YO!

- ALL RIGHT, NOW HE ALSO NEEDSHAND SANITIZER.

AND TOOTHPASTE.

DOES DOVE SELL A THREE-IN-ONEBODY-BUTTHOLE-MOUTHWASH?

GET HIM OVER TO THE FREEBLOOD PRESSURE TESTER.

THAT IS THE PHYSIQUE OF A MANWHO DOES NOT GIVE A [bleep].

AT LEAST WE FINALLY PROVED THATTHE CUSTOMER'S NOT ALWAYS RIGHT.

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

- I HAVE 30 MINUTES, RIGHT?- COME ON, PETE.

- HOLD ON,IS HE GOING TO TIME IT?

READY?FIRST BITE.

[bleep].THAT'S TOO MUCH.

TOO MUCH!TOO MUCH, DUDE.

DUDE![laughter]

- ON YOUR WAY OUT,WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD

AND DROP THAT HEALTH RATINGDOWN TO A "C"?

THAT'S RALPH,AND HE HOCKED UP HIS HAND ROLL

WHILE TRYING TO COMPLETE

THE LEVEL TENSPICY SUSHI CHALLENGE.

SURE, HE PERMANENTLY RUINEDHIS STOMACH LINING

AND DRANK HIS OWN SPEWIN PUBLIC,

BUT HE DID ALMOST WIN A STIFF,ILL-FITTING T-SHIRT.

COMPETITIVE EATINGWAS CREATED

SO LARD-ASSES COULD SAYTHEY PLAY A SPORT.

YOUR UNIFORM IS A BIB.

YOU AREN'T ATHLETES,YOU'RE FAT BABIES.

YOU DON'T NEED YOUR PICTUREON THE WALL OF A RESTAURANT

TO PROVEYOU'RE GOOD AT EATING.

WE ALL GATHERED THATWHEN WE SAW

THE ELASTIC WAISTBANDON YOUR JEANS.

THE MOST FAMOUS EVENT IS THENATHAN'S HOT DOG EATING CONTEST.

IT TAKES PLACEON INDEPENDENCE DAY

BECAUSE NOTHINGIS MORE AMERICAN

THAN SHOVING 90 WEINERSIN YOUR MOUTH.

THE REST OF THE WORLDONLY HAS ONE FOOD CHALLENGE.

IT'S CALLED LIFE.

FEMALE COMPETITIVE EATERSNEVER WIN

BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS STOPIN THE MIDDLE

TO ASK FOR LEMONIN THEIR WATER

AND TELL YOUTHAT YOU HAVE TRY THEIRS.

THE REAL COMPETITIVE EATERSARE MODELS

BECAUSE THOSE GIRLS KNOWTHAT DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS.

NOTHING TASTES AS GOODAS SKINNY FEELS.

AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

BUT RALPHHAS ALWAYS BEEN MORE

OF A GLASS-HALF-FULLKIND OF GUY.

THAT WHY I BROUGHT HIMTO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE PEOPLE KNOW TO THROW UPBEFORE THEY GO ON CAMERA,

IN THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[hip-hop music][cheers and applause]

- [speaking Japanese]

- BUENOS DIAS, DANIEL.

- WELCOME...TO SHITTAY SUSHI.

- BIENVENIDOS. - YOU HUNGRY?

- WHAT YOU GOT?

- BEST SUSHI IN CULVER CITY.THAT'S WHAT WE GOT.

- [laughing]

- HO HO ROLL.

WHERE YOU FROM?- LONG BEACH.

- LBC.- YEAH.

- DO YOU THINKIT'S KIND OF WEIRD

THAT YOUR NAME IS RALPH

AND YOU HAVE A VIDEOOF YOU THROWING UP?

- THAT'S NOT WEIRD.

UH, I'VE BEEN DOING CRAZY STUFFALL MY LIFE.

- I KNOW BUT YOUR NAME'S RALPHAND YOU WERE THROWING UP.

- YEAH.

- DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?- ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- BUT YOU STILL AGREEDTO DO THIS CHALLENGE.

- I WANTEDTO PROVE THEM WRONG.

- WHAT WAS THE CHALLENGE?- A SPICY CALIFORNIA ROLL.

TWO OF 'EM, RED HOT.YOU HAD 30 MINUTES.

- AND WHAT DO YOU GETIF YOU WIN?

- I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THAT.I JUST WANTED TO BE A CHAMPION.

- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.IT'S CALLED A 'BAMA ROLL.

THAT'S, UH, WHITE RICE

WITH CHEWING TOBACCO ON TOP...- CHEWING TOBACCO.

- AND A LITTLE BITOF BARBECUE SAUCE

JUST TO FINISH HER OFF.

SO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENEDTHAT NIGHT.

- WE WENT THERE TRYING TO DEFEATTHE SUSHI CHALLENGE.

- HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?- I WASN'T THAT DRUNK.

- BECAUSE YOU TOOKTHE LARGEST BITE

I MAY HAVE EVER SEEN.

- MY ATTITUDEIS BALLS TO THE WALL.

- [laughing]

GOOD FOR YOU.

- SO I TOOKTHE BIGGEST BITE I COULD

TO SEE IF I COULD HANDLE IT.

- COULD YOU FEEL THE HEATIMMEDIATELY?

- NO, IT WAS MORETHE ACTUAL TASTE.

- YOU THINK YOU GOT SICKJUST BECAUSE IT WAS RAW FISH?

- ABSOLUTELY.- THE ROLL OF QUARTERS.

- [laughing]

- WHY'D YOU DRINKYOUR OWN VOMIT?

- I'VE DONE ITON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS.

I DRANK TOO MUCH BEER,AND THEN YOU THROW UP,

AND THEN YOU CATCH ITIN YOUR MOUTH

AND YOU PUT IT BACK.

SO IT WASN'T, LIKE,SOMETHING NEW TO ME.

- YEAH, BUT A STRAWHAS TO BE DIFFERENT.

- YEAH, BUT AT THE TIME,IT JUST SEEMED NATURAL.

- RALPH, YOU'RE MAKINGA LOTTA SENSE.

DID YOU FEEL BADFOR THE PEOPLE

THAT WERE SITTINGRIGHT NEXT TO YOU?

- I WASN'T EVEN THINKINGABOUT THEM.

- DO YOU THINKTHEY WERE THINKING ABOUT YOU?

- I'M PRETTY SURE THEY DID.

- YOU SHOULD GO ON YELPRIGHT NOW,

BECAUSE I BET SOMEBODY WROTEA REVIEW THAT NIGHT

THAT WAS SITTING BY YOU.

LIKE,"THE PLACE WAS AMAZING...

"EXCEPT FOR THE GUYSITTING NEXT TO ME

THAT WAS DRINKING THREE LARGEGLASSES OF HIS OWN VOMIT."

RALPH, YOU LOSTTHE FOOD COMPETITION,

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO GIVE UPON YOUR DREAM

OF BEING A COMPETITIVE EATER.

- I HAVEN'T LOST IT.- GOOD.

BECAUSE I KNOWAN UNDERGROUND COMPETITION

THAT'S SERVINGTHE HOTTEST FOOD IN THE WORLD.

- I'M IN.

- WELCOME TO THE 48th ANNUALSOUPER BOWL

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SPOONS,

AMERICA'S NUMBER ONESOUP EATING UTENSIL SINCE 1982.

FIRST UP, IT'S O'BRIEN,A WRITER ON THE SHOW WHO,

I [bleep] YOU NOT,HAS NEVER TASTED SOUP...

HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

"I DON'T LIKE THE TEXTURE."

"I DON'T LIKE EATING LIQUIDSAS A FOOD."

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE HIMEAT SOUP.

NEXT,BECAUSE THERE'S NO ONE

WHO LOVES SOUP MORETHAN AN OLD LADY,

LET'S HEAR ITFOR THIS OLD LADY.

THIS NEXT GUY'SA LOCAL FAVORITE

AND HE STINKSTO HIGH HEAVEN.

HE'S BEEN SEEN EATING SOUPRIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY KITCHEN.

PLEASE WELCOME SCABBY.

NEXT TO HIM IS A MANWHO DRANK HIS OWN VOMIT

AFTER HE FAILEDAT THE SPICY SUSHI CHALLENGE.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY BOY,RALPH.

AND FINALLY, IT'S THE HIGHPRINCE OF HOT DOGS,

THE EMPEROROF COMPETITIVE EATING,

THE ONE, THE ONLYJOEY CHESTNUT.

[cheers and applause]

LET'S BE CLEAR.THIS IS A NON-SANCTIONED EVENT.

THE MLE, MAJOR LEAGUE EATING,HAS NO AFFILIATION

WHATSOEVERWITH THE SOUPER BOWL.

AND THAT'S FINE BY ME.BUNCH OF PUSSIES OVER THERE.

HERE'S HOW IT'S GONNA WORK.

A BOWL OF SOUPWILL BE PLACED BEFORE YOU.

USING ONLY YOUR SPOON,

YOU MUST CONSUMETHE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF THE BOWL.

WHOEVER FINISHESTHEIR SOUP THE FASTEST

WILL BE AWARDED FOUR POINTS,

NEXT FASTESTWILL GET THREE POINTS.

NEXT FASTEST, TWO POINTS.

AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

LET THE SOUPER BOWL BEGIN!

- WAIT.

WE NEEDTO SAY GRACE FIRST.

- AMEN.[splash]

- OH, NO! JOEY!- MEDIC?

- WE LOST HIM.

CAUSE OF DEATH?

MURDER.

- AH, HE DIEDTHE WAY HE ATE HOT DOGS--

TOO QUICKLY.[bell dings]

YOUR FIRST SOUP IS

A RICH, CREAMY NEW ENGLANDCLAM CHOWDER.

[spoons clanging]- DONE!

- DONE![bell dings]

- PHOTO FINISH IN ROUND ONE.

NEXT UP ISYOUR OWN PERSONAL CROCK

OF GOOEY, OOEYFRENCH ONION SOUP.

DO YOU ENJOY FRENCH ONION SOUP,O'BRIEN?

- I HATE THIS.

- HOW'S IT GOING DOWN THERE,RALPH?

- NOT AN ISSUE.- THIS SOUP IS COLD.

[bell dings]- DONE.

- RALPH TAKES THIS ROUND.

WHO'S READY FORSOME PIPING HOT SHARK FIN SOUP?

THE SCARIEST OF ALL THE SOUPS.- I AM, I AM.

- HERE'S A ROOM TEMPERATURE CANOF CONDENSED CAMPBELL'S TOMATO

WITHOUT THE ADDITIONALCAN OF WATER.

BEGIN.

- THIS ISN'T EVEN SOUP.

- WHO'S READYFOR SOME LOBSTER BISQUE?

WHO WANTS SOME BLACK BEAN?

O'BRIEN'S BOYCOTTINGTHIS ROUND?

- THIS BIT IS STUPID.

- NEXT UP,CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP.

- THIS NEEDS SALT.

[bell dings]- DONE!

- DOES RAVIOLI COUNT AS SOUP?WHO GIVES A [bleep]?

THAT'S ROUND 17.

THIS CONTESTIS REALLY HEATING UP,

WHICH MEANSIT'S A PERFECT TIME

TO BRING OUT OUR SUICIDALLYSPICY FIVE-ALARM CHILI.

[sirens blaring]WHOA!

RALPH, IS THIS ONE SPICY?

- THE WARMNESS IN ITMAKES IT THAT MUCH HOTTER.

- THE "WARMINESS"MAKES IT THAT MUCH HOTTER?

- YEP.- CAN I GET THAT ON A T-SHIRT?

RALPH, KEEP IT UP

AND YOU ARE A LOCKTO WIN OUR GRAND PRIZE,

WHICH IS HAVING YOUR OWN SOUPNAMED AFTER YOU

AT SOUPLANTATION,

AMERICA'S ONLY SOUP BUFFET

THAT STILL PUBLICLYENDORSES SLAVERY.

- DONE.[bell dings]

- WE HAVE OUR CHAMPION.WE HAVE OUR CHAMPION.

YOU FEELING OKAY?

- I DON'T KNOW, DANIEL.

- ARE YOU GOING TO GET SICK?

- NO, I'M GOOD.

- YOU SURE?- YES, SIR.

- AH, [bleep].

- [vomiting]

- HEY, RALPH,ARE YOU RALPHING IN HERE?

- YEAH.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THISON THE STAGE?

WHERE'S YOUR SENSEOF SHOWMANSHIP?

I CAN BRING YOU THE STRAWIF YOU WANT TO DRINK SOME OF IT.

THREE DAYS LATER,JOEY CHESTNUT ROSE FROM THE DEAD

AND APPEARED ATA POT STICKER EATING CONTEST.

JOEY CHESTNUT, J.C.

COINCIDENCE?

YES,IT IS JUST A COINCIDENCE.

- WHAT IS MY LITTLE BOY DOING?HMM?

YOU BETTER ANSWERTO YOUR MOMMY.

I NEED TO INSPECTWHAT'S IN YOUR PANTS.

PULL THEM DOWN.

THAT'S RIGHT,PULL THEM DOWN,

AND LET THEM DROPAROUND YOUR ANKLES.

I WANT TO SEE HOW--HOW BIG YOUR PENIS IS.

- THE BOND BETWEEN A MOTHERAND CHILD IS A POWERFUL THING.

PEOPLE LOVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT

HOW I'M ALWAYS NAKEDON THE SHOW,

OR HOW I MAYOR MAY NOT BE GAY.

BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT KIND OF HOUSEHOLDI GREW UP IN.

THE TRUTH IS THE WOMANIN THAT FETISH VIDEO...

IS MY MOM.

AND THE BOY SHE'S TALKING TOIS ME.

- WHAT, YOU'RE EMBARRASSED?

YOU CAN'T BE EMBARRASSEDIN FRONT OF YOUR MOMMY.

I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU.REMEMBER?

- OH, SURE, PLAYTHE "I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU CARD".

- PULL THEM DOWN.THAT'S RIGHT.

PULL THEM DOWN, LET THEM DROPAROUND YOUR ANKLES.

I WANT SEE HOW--HOW BIG YOUR PENIS IS.

YOU'RE A BAD, BAD,BAD LITTLE BOY.

HOW DARE YOU SHOW MEA LITTLE PENIS LIKE THAT?

- IS THERE NO PLEASING YOU,MOTHER?

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I WANTTO LIVE WITH DAD AND SHARON.

- OH, MY GOD.

NO WONDER WHY YOU DON'THAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

- I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

BECAUSE THE THOUGHTOF BRINGING HER HOME

TO MEET YOU SCARES ME...

NOT BECAUSE MY DICKIS SMALL-ISH.

- WELL, I WANT TO SEE YOUSTROKE IT THEN.

COME ON,TAKE YOUR LITTLE FINGERS...

LIKE THAT...

AND STROKEYOUR LITTLE BITTY, BITTY DICK.

- MY INSTINCTSARE TELLING ME NOT TO.

BUT MOTHER KNOWS BEST.

- COME ON, YOU CAN PLAY WITHYOUR LITTLE BITTY BALLS TOO.

[laughing]LOOK HOW SMALL THEY ARE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT LITTLE?

THE EMOTIONAL SCARTHIS IS LEAVING.

- ARE YOU CLOSE?

- YEAH, CLOSE TO REPORTINGYOUR ASS TO CHILD SERVICES.

- FASTER!SQUEEZE IT.

SQUEEZE IT.

- I'M GOING TO AGAIN IGNORETHE REQUEST TO SQUEEZE IT.

- MOMMY IS ORDERING YOUTO [bleep] FOR ME. NOW.

- FINE.

BUT HOW ABOUT WE STOP TALKINGFOR AT LEAST TWO SECONDS?

- [scoffs]IS THAT IT?

I COULD SPIT MORE THAN THAT.

- WHY WERE WEAT A HAMPTON INN?

BECAUSE KIDS STAY FOR FREE.THAT'S HAMPTONALITY.

MEKISHIKO!

BUENOS DIAS, DANIEL

WELCOME TO SHI-TAE SUSHI

BIENVENIDOS

YOU HUNGRY?

WHAT YOU GOT?

BEST SUSHI IN CULVER CITY

THAT'S WHAT WE GOT

[ laughs ]

HO-HO ROLL

WHERE YOU FROM?

LONG BEACH

LBC

YEAH

DO YOU THINK IT'S KIND OF WEIRD

THAT YOUR NAME IS 'RALPH'

AND YOU HAVE A VIDEO OF YOUTHROWING UP?

NO IT'S NOT UM

THAT'S NOT WEIRD

UH I'VE BEEN DOING

CRAZY STUFF ALL MY LIFE

THIS IS THE FIRST DEPICTION

OF ME ACTUALLY

DOING SOMETHING CRAZY.

I KNOW, BUT YOUR NAME IS'RALPH.'

AND YOU WERE THROWING UP.

YEAH.

I MEAN THAT'S A COINCIDENCE

I GUESS

THAT'S COMEDY GOLD

WHAT OTHER FOODS MAKE YOU, UH

UPSET YOUR STOMACH?

BEER

BEER?

YEAH.

ALRIGHT.

IT'S NOT A FOOD BUT

IT'S A BEVERAGE

IT IS A BEVERAGE.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

KIND OF FOOD?

HOT DOGS

MMM AMERICAN

BUT I'M MEXICAN

I HEAR YOU BUT

THERE'S NOTHING

MORE AMERICAN THAN A HOT DOG.

YEAH, I LOVE THEM

SAUERKRAUT?

NAH JUST LIKE REGULAR

CHILI DOG?

I'M A CHILI DOG TYPE OF GUY

THERE YOU GO

DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?

ABSOLUTELY NOT

NEVER TRIED IT IN MY LIFE.

BUT YOU STILL AGREED

TO DO THIS CHALLENGE?

ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE I WANTED

TO PROVE 'EM WRONG.

WHAT WAS THE CHALLENGE?

A SPICY CALIFORNIA ROLL 2 OF 'EM

RED HOT. YOU'VE GOT 30 MINUTES.

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU WIN?

I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THAT.

I JUST WANTED TO BE A CHAMPION.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS

IT'S CALLED A 'BAMA ROLL

THAT'S WHITE RICE WITH

CHEWING TOBACCO

ON TOP

CHEWING TOBACCO?

AND A LITTLE BIT OF BARBEQUESAUCE

JUST TO FINISH 'ER OFF.

SO TELL ME

WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT.

WE WENT THERE [ chewing ]

TRYING TO DEFEAT

THE SUSHI CHALLENGE

JUST YOU? OR EVERYBODY IN YOURPARTY?

NO JUST ME

HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?

I WASN'T THAT DRUNK

I HAD SOME BEERS

BUT I WASN'T

ON MY WAY OVER THERE

AND ONCE I GOT THERE

I STARTED TAKING SOME UM

SOME BEERS THERE

OKAY

DO YOU HAVE TO SIGN A WAIVER?

YES

AND IT WENT TO THE CORONERSOFFICE

REALLY?

BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROMTHIS?

-OR YOU CAN DIE

[ exhales ] ALRIGHT

SO THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS

DESCRIBE WHAT IT TASTED LIKE

WHEN YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH

BECAUSE YOU TOOK

THE LARGEST BITE I MAY HAVEEVER SEEN

WAS JUST ALL IN FIRST BITE

I'M LIKE THIS GUYS GONNA DO IT

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU KNOW MY ATTITUDE IS

BALLS TO THE WALL

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

GOOD FOR YOU

SO I JUST TOOK THE

BIGGEST BITE I COULD

AND I WANTED TO TAKE IT IN

SEE IF I COULD HANDLE IT

WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE?

-I DON'T EVEN LIKE SUSHI SO

IT TASTED LIKE GARBAGE

OKAY BUT I ASSUME IT'S BECAUSE

THIS IS JUST WAS IT

COULD YOU FEEL THE HEAT

IMMEDIATELY?

NO NO IT WAS MORE THE

ACTUAL TASTE THAT I DIDN'T LIKE

IT WASN'T THE HEAT

THE HEAT DIDN'T

BOTHER ME ONE BIT

YOU THINK YOU GOT SICK

JUST BECAUSE IT WAS RAW FISH?

ABSOLUTELY

A ROLL OF QUARTERS

[ laughs ]

DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO EAT

BEFORE YOU STARTED THIS?

I TELL YOU WHAT

THAT'S THE PROBLEM

THESE SUSHI PLACES

SO MANY FLIES

WELL ACTUALLY BEFORE

WE WENT OVER THERE TO THAT PLACE

I HAD UH SOME CHILI CHEESE FRIES

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU SEEN

IN THE CUP

THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE

TO ME

YOU HAD THE CHILI CHEESE FRIES

AS A SOLID BASE

IN THE STOMACH

-YES. ABSOLUTELY.

COUPLE BEERS AND THEN

ONE BITE OF THE MOST

ATOMIC SUSHI YOU CAN IMAGINE

-MM-HMM

FOR A PERSON THAT DOESN'T EVEN

LIKE TO EAT SUSHI

NOPE

THAT'S A FORMULA FOR DISASTER

ABSOLUTELY

WHY'D YOU DRINK YOUR OWN VOMIT?

I'VE DONE IT ON MULTIPLEOCCASIONS

I'VE DRANK TOO MUCH BEER

AND THEN YOU THROW UP

AND THEN YOU CATCH IT

IN YOUR MOUTH

AND YOU PUT IT BACK

SO IT WASN'T LIKE SOMETHING NEWTO ME

YEAH BUT

A STRAW HAS TO BE DIFFERENT

YEAH, BUT AT THE TIME

IT JUST SEEMED NATURAL

DID THE RESTAURANT PUT

A "C" IN THEIR WINDOW

AFTER YOU STARTED DRINKING

YOUR OWN VOMIT?

PROLLY WENT FROM A "C" TO A "B"

CAUSE YOU CLEANED UP AFTERYOURSELF

ABSOLUTELY

RALPH, YOU'RE MAKING A LOT OFSENSE

DID YOU FEEL BAD

FOR THE PEOPLE THAT WERE

SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU

AT THE RESTAURANT?

I WASN'T EVEN

THINKING ABOUT THEM

DO YOU THINK THEY WERE

THINKING ABOUT YOU?

I'M PRETTY SURE THEY DID

YEAH I'M PRETTY SURE

THEY WERE SICK

YEAH

DID YOU GIVE THE RESTAURANT

A NICE REVIEW ON YELP?

NO ACTUALLY I DON'T HAVE

AN ACCOUNT ON YELP

YOU SHOULD GO ON YELP

RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I BET

SOMEBODY WROTE A REVIEW

THAT NIGHT THAT WAS SITTING BYYOU

LIKE "PLACE WAS AMAZING

EXCEPT FOR THE GUY SITTING NEXTTO ME

THAT WAS DRINKING 3 LARGEGLASSES

OF HIS OWN VOMIT"

WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU, RALPH?

THERE'S A PLACE

IN UM, DOWNTOWN L.A.

IT'S CALLED

THE "OROCHI #8 CHALLENGE"

IT'S A SPICY NOODLE CHALLENGE

I DON'T THINK THIS IS YOUR

CUP OF TEA

WELL I'M

YOU LOVE FOOD CHALLENGES

I'M A BALLS TO THE WALL GUY SO

WHY DON'T YOU START

WITH SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE

MAYBE THE FATBURGER?

I'VE EATEN A FATBURGER ACTUALLY

THE BIG MASSIVE ONE?

NOT THE BIG MASSIVE ONE

THE ONE WHERE YOU GET

YOUR NAME, THEY PUT YOUR

NAME ON A CERTIFICATE

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

NO I HAVEN'T DONE THAT YET BUT

I LIKE FATBURGER

I GO TURKEY BURGER THOUGH

YOU KNOW. YOU GOT A BODY LIKETHIS

YOU TREAT IT LIKE A TEMPLE

[ laughs ]

RALPH, YOU LOST THE FOODCOMPETITION

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO GIVE UP

ON YOUR DREAM OF BEING A

COMPETITIVE EATER

-I HAVEN'T LOST IT

GOOD

BECAUSE I KNOW AN UNDERGROUND

COMPETITION THAT'S SERVING THE

HOTTEST FOOD IN THE WORLD.

-I'M IN.

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