June 19, 2012 - Spelling Bee Kid

  • 06/19/2012

Spelling Bee Kid gets a Web Redemption, and Daniel puts 20 Seconds on the Clock for poultry massages.

>> Tosh: NEVER TELL THE NEXT GUY

TO SHUT UP OR YOU WIND UP WITH

SPLINTERS IN YOUR TRACHEA.

>> SHUT UP.

>> YOU STUPID ASS PIECE OF

[BLEEP].

>> Tosh: I'D MUCH RATHER WATCH

THAT AND THE ABRAHAM FILM.

BATS ARE FOR HITTING BALLS NOT

POOL CUES.

BALL IN HAND.

DIDN'T WE LEARN ANYTHING FROM

COMBINING TWO SPORTS IS NEVER

FUNNY.

HERE'S THE MOST EROTIC WAY TO

GET SALMONELLA.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: HE WOULD ASK FOR A

HAPPY ENDING BUT HE'S CHICKEN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME

THIS YEAR LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY

FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: NOW PULL DOWN THAT

TOWEL AND SHOVE A BEER CAN UP

FAST.

GODDAMNI

BETTER THAN WHAT'S ABOUT TO

HAPPEN TO THEM AT THE END OF THE

ROAD.

THE SANDALS RESORT LOOKS WORSE

NOT BETTER THAN SITTING ON A

BEACH SITTING LIVE POISONOUS

FISH.

IT'S LIKE A JELL-O SHOT FROM

MOTHER NATURE.

HOPE IT DOESN'T RUIN YOUR SOUP,

COMRADE.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG DEAL.

KID LOVE IT.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR LUNCH.

>> PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY FISH.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET YOU A

PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY FISH.

>> WILL YOU CUT THE TENTACLES

OFF?

>> NO, THAT'S THE HEALTHY PART.

HERE.

PUT IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE AND

DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: IN CASE YOU DIDN'T

SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO GIVE

YOURSELF A CONJUGAL VISIT.

NOW LET'S GET KNUCKLE DEEP IN

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: WOMEN'S PRISON IS NEVER

AS SEXY THAT'S SOFTCORE MOVIES

IN CINEMAX.

SHE'S DIGGING IN HER NO-NO ZONE.

WONDER IF SHE REALIZES SHE CAN'T

DIG OUT.

IT'S THE OLD STASH IN THE GASH.

MUST HAVE SKILLED THE WHOLE

CAVITY SEARCH.

A LADY'S VAGINA IS LIKE A MAGIC

HAT.

IS THAT A PEZ DISPENSER?

I'M NO GYNECOLOGIST BUT YOU

SHOULDN'T USE YOUR SNATCH AS A

MEDICINE CABINET.

THAT'S IT.

SPREAD THEM AROUND LIKE AN

UMPIRE CLEANING HOME PLATE.

I SAY START SWALLOWING EVERY

JUNKIE KNOWS THE FIVE-SECOND

RULE DOESN'T APPLY TO DRUGS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S NOT MINE.

TIME TO CHECK HER B HOLE FOR A

>> WELCOME BACK TO THE URBAN

DICTIONARY SPELLING BEE!

ALL OF TODAY'S WORDS ARE SLANG,

BUT ONE DAY HOPEFULLY WILL BE IN

A REAL DICTIONARY.

UMPH!

>> WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL

THREE.

LET'S BEGIN.

>> DON'T CHOKE.

>> YOUR WORD: BARFLE.

>> UH, CAN I HAVE THE

DEFINITION?

>> TO GARGLE WITH YOUR OWN BARF.

BARFLE.

>> BARFLE:

B-A-R-F-E-L.

BARFLE?

>> I'M SORRY, THAT IS WRONG.

>> [laughs]

OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE SHAME ON YOUR

FAMILY'S FACE RIGHT NOW.

[dramatic hip-hop music]

>> YOUR WORD: HORNYCORN.

>> HORNYCORN.

H-O-R-N-Y-C-O-R-N.

>> JAPANXIETY.

>> CAN YOU USE IT IN A SENTENCE?

>> MY ADVANCED MATH CLASS GIVES

ME EXTREME JAPANXIETY.

>> THERE'S NO WAY HE TOOK

ADVANCED MATH.

>> X-I-E-T-Y.

>> THAT IS CORRECT.

>> SKITTLE SANDWICH?

>> WHEN ONE CLOWN CRAPS INTO

ANOTHER CLOWN'S MOUTH

AND THEN THEY KISS.

RELASIANSHIP.

>> MAY I PLEASE GET THE

DEFINITION?

>> FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE

PERSON THAT BROUGHT YOU YOUR

BEEF AND BROCCOLI.

>> SAD TRAVOLTA.

>> THE OPPOSITE OF A HAPPY

ENDING, BECAUSE IT ENDS IN A

LAWSUIT AND BLUE BALLS.

>> [groan-cheers]

>> CHICANOWASH?

>> USING THE GAS STATION

WINDSHIELD SQUEEGEE TO WASH YOUR

ENTIRE CAR.

>> WHEW.

>> AM I SAYING THAT CORRECTLY?

CHEEP PEESKATE.

>> CHEAP PEESKATE: GOING TO THE

RESTROOM JUST BEFORE THE CHECK

ARRIVES IN A RESTAURANT.

>> WHOO!

>> SOMEONE WHO EATS SCABS OFF OF

THEIR PARTNER'S GENITAL.

>> PLACE OF ORIGIN?

>> HARLEM.

>> THAT'S WHAT'S UP.

>> I JUST PASSED THE GAS LOG,

AND THE SHIT EXPRESS IS ON ITS

WAY.

>> WELL, IT DEPENDS.

ARE YOU A CLEAN PERSON?

>> EXPLORGASM:

WHEN YOU ORGASM IN A 2002 FORD

EXPLORER.

>> EXPLORGASM.

>> I THINK SHE SAID HEROIN.

>> E-X-P-L-O-R-G-A-S-M.

EXPLORGASM.

>> THAT IS CORRECT.

>> YES!

>> THAT IS CORRECT.

THAT IS CORRECT.

THAT IS CORRECT.

THE WORD IS CALENTURD.

>> [laughs]

OMG.

ding!

>> I'M SORRY. THAT IS WRONG.

>> OKAY, I--

[crowd groans]

>> FIRST OF ALL, I WASN'T

SPELLING.

THAT'S AN EXPRESSION,

YOU C-U-N-T.

>> AND FOR THE TITLE,

THE WORD IS JEWKKAKE.

>> DEFINITION, PLEASE?

>> THE ACT OF GIVING A GIRL

A MASSIVE FACIAL FROM A

CAREFULLY CIRCUMCISED SCHVANTZ.

>> IN A SENTENCE?

>> AFTER WE FINISHED THIS CORN

BEEF ON RYE AT THIS DELI, I

WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU BACK TO

MY PLACE FOR A NICE JEWKKAKE.

>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

CAN YOU SAY THE WORD AGAIN?

>> JEWKKAKE.

>> JUST KIDDING.

I KNEW THE WORD.

JEWKKAKE.

J-E-W-K-K-A-K-E.

JEWKKAKE.

>> GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

>> CONGRATULATIONS, CHRIS.

YOU HAVE WON THE RUSTY TROMBONE.

>> AND FROM ALL OF US AT THE

URBAN DICTIONARY SPELLING BEE,

GOOD NIGHT!

>> THE GRUESOME ATTACK IN MIAMI

COULD BE PART OF AN ON

>> A WITNESS DESCRIBED IT AS A

GORY SCENE FROM A ZOMBIE MOVIE.

>> HE WAS GROWLING LIKE AN

ANIMAL.

>> HE WAS TEARING IT.

>> HE ATE PART OF THE VICTEM'S

HEART AND BRAIN.

>> THEY DON'T KNOW OF ANYTHING

THAT WOULD PRESENT ZOMBIE LIKE

SYSTEMS.

>> Tosh: IT'S BEEN A WEEK SINCE

A DUDE MADE A MEAL OUT OF A

HOMELESS MAN'S FACE AND ONE MAN

DRESSED LIKE A ZOMBIE AND CHASED

BLACK PEOPLE THROUGH THE WORSE

NEIGHBORHOODS IN MIAMI.

[ GROWLING ]

[LAUGHTER]

[ GROWLING ]

>> Tosh: THAT GUY THAT CREATE

THAT PRANK IS ANY NEW HERO AND I

HAD TO MEET HIM.

PLEASE WELCOME, VITALI.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME MAN.

>>

>> Tosh: FIRST THING'S FIRST

YOU'RE NOT A REAL ZOMBIE,

CORRECT?

>> JUST A CRAZY RUSSIAN WAY

CAMERA.

>> Tosh: ARE PEOPLE SO DUMB THEY

WORRY ABOUT ZOMBIES NOW?

>> I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF

THE STORY BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE ON

FACEBOOK AND TWITTERED THE

ZOMBIES ARE COMING I THOUGHT

IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT AND MAKE

A VIDEO AND HAD A FEELING

IT WOULD GO VIRAL.

>> Tosh: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE

THE NEIGHBORHOODS WERE IN?

>> COMPLETELY GHETTO.

>> Tosh: SO YOUR IDEA WAS TO

FOCUS SPECIFICALLY ON BLACK

PEOPLE?

>> NO, THE FIRST REACTION WAS

FROM A BLACK PERSON AND HE RAN

FOR HIS LIFE SO I THOUGHT IT

WOULD BE A GREAT VIDEO SO I WENT

AFTER WHITE REACTION AND THEY

DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY REACTION.

>> Tosh: SO WHITE PEOPLE ARE

FEARLESS.

I'LL TAKE IT.

WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT GETTING

KILLED WHEN THE MAN PULLED A GUN

ON YOU.

>> I DIDN'T SEE IT UNTIL I

ZOOMED IN AND SAW IT WAS A GUN.

>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT THE BIG

GROUP AT THE END, DID THEY KICK

YOUR [BLEEP].

>> THEY STOPPED AND WERE ALL

LAUGHING ABOUT IT AT THE END.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHAT THEY

DID AFTER.

IT'S INAPPROPRIATE FOR TV.

>> Tosh: COME ON.

MY WHOLE SHOW IS INAPPROPRIATE

FOR TV.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE NEXT PRANK

YOUR PLANNING ON BLACK PEOPLE?

>> I'M GETTING IDEAS IN MY HEAD.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE NOTE

RACIST?

>> NO WAY, MAN.

I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE.

I LOVE BLACK GIRLS.

AGREE THIS IS PRETTY FRIGGIN'

AWESOME.

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> Tosh: I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT

BUT I'M STUCK INSIDE ALL DAY

EVERY DAY POLISHING THIS TURD OF

A SHOW.

>> HEY, GUYS.

[♪♪♪]

>> Tosh: I SEE WHY THEY DID THIS

OUTSIDE.

I HOPE THERE WERE CASUALTIES.

BACK TO WORK.

NO DOGS WERE HURT IN THE

SHOOTING OF THAT VIDEO BUT WE

LOST ONE

>> ALL RIGHT, WHERE ARE YOU

FROM, CHRIS?

>> I'M FROM OXNARD, CALIFORNIA.

>> HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN

A GOOD SPELLER?

>> OH, HECK YEAH.

>> HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?

>> 16.

>> HOW MANY SPELLING BEES HAVE

YOU BEEN IN IN YOUR LIFE?

>> FOUR SCHOOL SPELLING BEES,

WON ALL FOUR.

>> YOU WON FOUR?

>> SCHOOL SPELLING BEES.

THREE CITY SPELLING BEES,

AND THEN I WENT TO THE COUNTY

THREE TIMES, WHICH IS THE ONE

BEFORE THE NATIONALS, AND

I STILL DIDN'T GET TO

THE NATIONALS.

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU GET

TO NATIONALS?

>> 'CAUSE I SPELLED

A WORD WRONG.

>> WHAT WAS THE WORD THAT YOU

SPELLED WRONG?

>> DEBUTANT.

>> DOES IT KEEP YOU AWAKE

AT NIGHT, THINKING ABOUT IT?

>> YOU'LL NEVER FORGET THE WORDS

YOU SPELL WRONG.

>> DO YOU EVER SEE THE WORD

DEBUTANT JUST APPEAR ON THINGS?

>> YEAH.

>> WHEN DID THE VIDEO BECOME

POPULAR ONLINE?

>> THREE MONTHS AGO.

>> WHY?

>> BECAUSE OF MY PLAIN

MISUNDERSTANDING OF THE WORD

HERON.

>> NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK

THAT YOU WERE CLOWNING.

>> NO.

>> YOU REALLY COULDN'T HEAR.

>> I WAS EXTREMELY DESPERATE,

SO I JUST STARTED TO SAY EVERY

WORD THAT BEGAN WITH "H."

>> YEAH, AND YOU WERE PICKING

SOME WORDS THAT WEREN'T EVEN

IN THE BALLPARK, THOUGH.

>> YEAH, LIKE, HARANGUE.

>> DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY

ASKED YOU HOW TO SPELL HEROIN?

>> HEROIN.

I MEAN, HEROIN, HERON ARE

VERY SIMILAR.

>> THOSE ARE SIMILAR.

DID YOU AND THAT MODERATOR

TALK AFTERWARDS?

>> NO, SHE WAS EXTREMELY MAD

AT ME AFTERWARDS.

>> HERON.

>> DO YOU THINK IT WAS JUST

BECAUSE OF THE SPEAKERS,

THE WAY THEY WERE SET UP?

>> THE SPEAKERS WERE FACING

THE WRONG WAY.

>> DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THEY

START PICKING HARDER WORDS FOR

KIDS THEY DON'T LIKE.

>> I DO.

>> HAS THERE EVER BEEN CHEATING

IN THESE SPELLING BEES?

>> THAT'S NATIONAL LEVEL.

>> HOW DO YOU CHEAT THERE?

>> HEADPHONE IN THE EAR.

>> WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE IN

THE AUDIENCE SPELLING IT OUT?

>> OR--OR, LIKE--

>> WITH THEIR MOUTH

OR SIGN LANGUAGE.

>> YEAH.

>> LEAVE IT TO THE DEAF TO

RUIN A GOOD THING.

>> YEAH.

>> DOES BEING ABLE TO SPELL GOOD

HELP YOU WITH THE LADIES?

>> OF COURSE.

YOU GOT TO PULL OUT THAT...

[speaking indistinctly]

RATATOUILLE.

>> [laughs]

>> R-A-T-A-T-O-U-I-L-L-E.

>> OOH, I'M SORRY,

BUT THAT IS VERY ANNOYING.

ARE YOU SPONSORED BY WEBSTER?

>> I WOULD WANT TO.

>> WHO MAKES THE BEST

DICTIONARY?

>> I LIKE OXFORD A LOT.

>> HAVE YOU PLOWED THROUGH

AN ENTIRE DICTIONARY?

>> YEAH, I HAVE, THE ONE THEY

USE IN THE NATIONAL SPELLING

BEE, THAT BIG, HUGE, GIGANTIC,

2,000-PAGE 30-POUND ONE.

>> UH-HUH.

>> I GOT SOME SERIOUS MUSCLES

FROM THAT.

>> WHERE'D THEY GO?

[laughs]

DO YOU HIGHLIGHT EVERY TIME

YOU'VE KNOCKED OFF A WORD,

OR NO?

>> I WISH I DID.

I MIGHT'VE WON.

>> WELL, YOU'RE A WINNER IN

MY BOOK, EXCEPT FOR THE TIME

THAT YOU LOST.

>> [sighs]

>> CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LOST

FOUR TIMES.

>> FIVE.

>> FIVE.

[groans]

IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE.

WHAT'S THE HARDEST WORD

TO SPELL?

>> PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPIC-

SILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS.

>> THAT'S THE BIGGEST OF

THEM ALL?

>> YEAH.

>> HAVE THEY EVER USED THAT

ONE IN THE SPELLING BEE?

>> NO, BUT ALL THE NATIONAL

SPELLING BEE KIDS, THEY CAN

SPELL IT.

THEY THINK THEY'RE ALL COOL.

THEY CAN SPELL THAT WORD.

>> BY THE WAY, DID YOU WIN

THAT SPELLING BEE?

>> NO.

>> THAT WAS ONE OF THE LOSSES.

>> MY LAST SPELLING BEE WAS

A LOSS.

>> THAT'S A SHAME.

I DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOU GO OUT

LIKE THAT.

HOW DO YOU SPELL "RELIEF"?

>> R-E-L-I-E-F.

>> YEAH, NO, WE WERE LOOKING FOR

R-O-L-A-I-D-S.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GET

INTO A SPELLING BEE?

>> STUDY.

>> OKAY.

>> STUDY, STUDY, READ

A 30-POUND BOOK.

>> IS IT CALLED A SPELLING BEE

BECAUSE MOST BEES NEVER HAVE

SEX EITHER?

>> THAT'S A MEAN JOKE.

>> DON'T PUNCH ME.

ARE THOSE YOUR KNUCKLES

CRACKING?

>> YEAH.

>> JEEZ.

YOU PLAY ANY SPORTS?

>> I'M A BLACK BELT IN TWO

MARTIAL ARTS.

>> I'M A BLACK BELT IN ZERO.

>> WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT?

>> YOU.

>> OF COURSE.

>> WHO WOULD WIN IN COURT?

ME.

>> GOOD POINT.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> MOST SPELLING BEE PEOPLE

YOU WOULDN'T THINK ARE FIGHTERS.

>> I'M GOING TO THE WORLD

CHAMPIONSHIPS OF STICK FIGHTING.

>> NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING

THINGS UP.

>> I'M NOT MAKING IT UP.

>> DOES LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN

ACTUALLY HELP, OR IS THAT

JUST BULLSHIT?

>> IT IS BULLSHIT.

>> SAY, "MOTHER, MAY I," AND

THEN SPELL THE WORD "CUP."

>> MOTHER, MAY I SEE YOU PEE.

>> [laughs]

ARE YOU ALLOWED TO WRITE DOWN

THE WORD?

>> ON YOUR HAND?

>> SO ARE YOU--BUT YOU'RE NOT

ALLOWED TO ACTUALLY HAVE A PEN.

>> NO, BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE

A LITTLE INK.

>> OR HAVE REALLY DRY SKIN.

>> IF YOU HAVE REALLY DRY SKIN,

YEAH.

>> THAT'S WHEN IT HELPS TO

BE BLACK IN A SPELLING BEE.

>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT, BEFORE I GIVE YOU

A CHANCE TO PROVE TO EVERYONE

THAT YOU'RE NOT DEAF, WE NEED

TO CLEAN OUT OUR EARS.

I DO THIS ONCE A WEEK.

I THINK IT'S CLEANING OUR EARS

OUT SO WE CAN HEAR PROPERLY.

YOU JUST DO THIS FOR 45 MINUTES.

LORD KNOWS WHAT WE'RE GONNA FIND

IN HERE.

OKAY, THERE'S DEFINITELY

SOMETHING STILL IN MY EAR.

WHOA.

THIS LITTLE GUY WAS ON QUITE

A JOURNEY.

>> WHAT?

>> I BET YOU HAVE QUITE

THE STORY TO TELL.

THERE'S ONLY SPELLING BEE

A 16-YEAR-OLD SHOULD BE PROUD

TO COMPETE IN, AND THAT'S

THE URBAN DICTIONARY SPELLING

BEE, BROUGHT TO YOU BY

WINN-DIXIE, YOUR LEADER

IN LOW-PRICE GROCERIES.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT

ANOTHER SHOT?

>> YES.

>> WELL, GOOD, 'CAUSE IF YOU

SAID NO, WE WOULD'VE JUST HAD

TO CUT HERE, AND I WOULD'VE

SENT YOU HOME.

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