October 29, 2009 - N64 Kid

  • 10/29/2009

The N64 Kid gets a Web Redemption, and Daniel puts 20 Seconds on the Clock for a rabid fruit bat.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

- ALL RIGHT, SIR,YOU HAVE A NICE DAY

AND DRIVE SAFE.

- THANK YOU.FIRE IN THE HOLE!

FIRE IN THE HOLE.

FIRE IN THE HOLE.

KEEP IT CLOSE.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

FIRE IN THE HOLE.

OH, MAN, FOR THROWINGTHAT TICKET IN THE COP'S FACE,

- RARGH!

- OH![audience groans]

[audience groans]

[woman shrieks]

[audience groaning]

[laughter]

- [bleep]!

[laughter continues]

- KNOCK IT OFF, YOU GIRL.

THE OTHER GUY FELL OFFA CHURCH.

[audience laughing]

BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

[singing off-key]♪ NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH

♪ NAH NAH NAH--

I'M DOING IT NOT COMPLETELYLIKE THE ORIGINAL

SO THAT WE CAN ACTUALLYAIR THAT ON TELEVISION.

BECAUSE THEY OWN♪ NAH NAH NAH NAH

SO I HAVE TO DO IT...

[off-key]♪ NAH NAH NAH NAH

LIKE I'M [bleep] TONE DEAF.

BUT I KNOW THE RIGHT WAYTO DO IT.

BAT [bleep]!

audience: OH!

[laughter]

- DON'T GET EXCITED, LADIES.

HE'S FRUIT BAT.

LET'S GET 20 SECONDSON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNYCOMMENTS WE CAN POST.

SOMEONE'S SUPER EXCITEDFOR THE NEW TWILIGHT MOVIE.

PEEING WITH MORNING WOODIS REALLY EASY

WHEN YOU HANG UPSIDE DOWN.

I FEEL BAD FOR ASIAN BATS.

[audience groans]

GREAT. A BAT THAT CAN GIVE YOURABIES AND AN STD.

IT'S LIKE NICOLE RICHIE.

OH!

LOOKS LIKE ALL THE BLOOD HE'SSUCKED IS RUSHING TO HIS JUNK.

[drumbeat]

HMM. PERFECT TIMING.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT AN ANIMALWITH A SLIGHTLY SMALLER PENIS?

IT'S GOTTEN SO POPULARTHAT TYRA BANKS

TOOK SOME TIME OFFFROM BEING UNTALENTED

TO DISCUSS IT ON HER SHOW.

WELL, THAT INSPIRED METO TAKE SOME ACTION.

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GUYSHAD A GLIMPSE

OF ALL THE HORRIBLE [bleep]WE HAVE TO SIFT THROUGH

TO FIND FUNNYINTERNET VIDEOS.

SO GET YOUR BARF BAGS READY.

YOUR REACTIONSARE ABOUT TO FILMED

WATCHING A SEGMENT CALLED"GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?"

[audience chucking]

ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S A DUDEWITH A CYST ON HIS BACK

AND A CHICK HOVERING OVER HIMWITH AN X-ACTO KNIFE

AND BAND-AIDS ON HER FINGERS.

SO I ASSUME SHE'SA LICENSED DERMATOLOGIST.

CAN YOU GUESSWHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

- OH! AAH!

[audience groaning]

OH, MY GOD!

OH...MY...

- SO IF YOU GUESSED

SHE WOULD USE A KNIFETO SLICE AN ESCAPE ROUTE

FOR ALL THE SHOULDER CHEESE,

YOU'RE OFF TO A GOOD START.

CAN YOU GUESSWHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

- IT'S THE WORST SMELLI THINK I'VE EVER SMELLED

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

audience: OH!

- OH! UGH!

- YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

ANOTHER TABLESPOON OF PUS.

AND IF YOU GUESSEDTHAT THE SMELL

WOULD BE RANCID ENOUGHTO ALMOST MAKE HER PUKE

ON HIS BACK, GOOD WORK!

GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

- OH, MY GOD![audience groans]

- YEAH, A LOT MORE PUS.

THE REAL THING YOU SHOULDBE WONDERING IS

HOW THE HELL THEY LET MEPUT THIS ON TELEVISION.

- OH!- THERE'S MORE COMING OUT.

- YOU WANT TO GUESSWHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

NO? TOO BAD.

- UGH!

- YOU'VE GOTTA BEKIDDING ME!

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!IT'S LIKE A BRAIN!

- OH!

YOU KNOW HOW IT'S FUNTO LOOK AT CLOUDS

AND TRY TO FIGURE OUTWHAT SHAPES YOU SEE IN THEM?

I LIKE TO PLAY THATWITH THIS GUY'S PUS.

SHE SEES A BRAIN.

I SEE A BABY ARMADILLO.

AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

ALSO, MAYBE A PAPER TOWEL

ISN'T THE BEST THINGTO USE HERE.

INSTEAD, I'D RECOMMENDA SHAMWOW.

NOW STOP DRY HEAVINGAND GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

- OH, IT SMELLS SO BAD.

GOD, I WISHI WOULD'VE BOUGHT GLOVES.

audience: OH!

- TALK ABOUT YOUR SIXTH SENSESTYLE TWIST ENDING.

WHO COULD'VE POSSIBLY FORESEENTHAT STILL MORE PUS AND BLOOD

WOULD COME OUT OF THERELIKE SOFT SERVE FROYO.

BUT THAT'S HOW WE PLAY"GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?"

AND TODAY, I THINKIT'S FAIR TO SAY, WE ALL LOST.

[applause and laughter]

OKAY, GUYS,IF YOU HAVE A GIANT CYST,

- KEEP 'EM CLOSED.

ALL RIGHT,OPEN YOUR EYES.

- OH!- AH!

IT'S FAKE CHRISTMAS!

- HOW OLD ARE YOU?- 20.

- HOW OLD WERE YOUIN THAT VIDEO?

- I WAS SEVEN.- SEVEN! OH!

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBETHE JOY YOU HAD THAT MORNING

TO ONE OFYOUR JEWISH FRIENDS?

- I HAVE NO IDEAHOW TO ANSWER THAT.

- [laughs]

I MEAN, THEY WILL NEVEREXPERIENCE THAT.

BMW BOUGHT THAT VIDEO?

- YEAH.

GOT A CALL ALL OF A SUDDEN,AND IT WAS LIKE

BMW WANTED THIS VIDEO.

- HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOU?

- A GOOD AMOUNT.

- OVER 5,000?- YEAH.

- OVER 10,000?- YEAH.

- OVER 20,000?- OH, YEAH.

- HOLY [bleep].

DID YOU GET OVER $50,000FOR THAT COMMERCIAL?

- NO, THAT WAS IT.

- HAVE YOU INVESTEDYOUR MONEY?

- NO.- NO. GOOD.

YOU'RE YOUNG.YOU'LL MAKE MORE.

WHO PUT THE VIDEO ONLINE?

- I PUT IT ON MY WEB SITE.- UH-HUH.

- AND THEN SOMEONE SAW ITON THERE AND PUT IT ON YOUTUBE.

- HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO ONLINE

AND READ THE COMMENTSPEOPLE POSTED UNDER YOUR VIDEO?

- I THINK I STOPPED

AFTER THEY STARTED TALKINGABOUT RAILING MY SISTER.

- [raucous laughter]

OH!

YEAH, THAT'S ALWAYSA TOUGH ONE TO HANDLE.

DO YOU--DO YOU TELL PEOPLEIMMEDIATELY THAT'S--

- NO. I USUALLYDON'T TELL PEOPLE AT ALL.

- REALLY?- YEAH.

- I WONDER IF YOU COULDACTUALLY GET LAID

OFF OF A REACTION YOU HADWHEN YOU WERE SEVEN YEARS OLD.

- THAT'D BE TIGHT.

- [laughs]THAT WOULD BE INCREDIBLE.

OKAY, OUR ORIGINALWEB REDEMPTION IDEA

WAS TO HAVE TO CALM DOWN.

- HUH?

- YOU KNOW,JUST RECEIVE A GIFT

LIKE A NORMAL HUMANAND SAY, "THANK YOU."

BUT OUR GOAL NOWIS JUST TO TEACH YOU

THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

AND THAT'S IT'S BETTERTO GIVE THAN RECEIVE.

BUT FIRST, WE AREGONNA BREAK FOR LUNCH.

- OOH, AND THIS IS--- HERE'S YOUR LUNCH, DANIEL.

- THANK YOU, RACHEL.WHAT DID I GET?

IT'S A TURKEY SANDWICH!

AAH!IT'S A TURKEY SANDWICH!

YES! YES! YES!

HEY, BUDDY.- HEY.

- MY FRIEND BRANDONHAS SOMETHING FOR YOU.

- HERE, I GOT YOU SOME--- GOD, YOU STINK!

SORRY. LOOK!

- WHAT THE [bleep]AM I GONNA DO WITH THIS?

- YOU COULD SELL IT FOR CRACK.

- SELL IT.- LET'S BE QUITE HONEST.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,BRANDON. UGH!

- THAT FELT GOOD.- OF COURSE IT FELT GOOD.

- COME OVER HERE.

WE'VE HAD A GREAT DAY.

YOU'VE LEARNEDSOME PERSPECTIVE.

YOU LEARNED THE VALUEOF GIVING AND NOT RECEIVING.

SO AS A SHOW, WE WENT OUTAND GOT YOU A GIFT

FOR TOSH.0 TO YOU.

YOU EXCITED?

- I'M REALLY EXCITED.I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.

- OKAY, THE WORLDWANTS TO KNOW.

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE ITANOTHER SHOT?

- YES.

- ALL RIGHT,LET'S OPEN UP YOUR GIFT.

[mystical music]

- NINTENDO 64!

OH, MY GOD!

- ENJOY YOUR BRAND-NEW...

- ARE YOU [bleep]? WHAT?

- SEA-DOO!- AAH!

OOOHHH, MY GOD!

- YEAH, GET UP ON THERE.ENJOY IT. IT'S YOURS.

I DON'T CAREWHAT YOU DO WITH IT.

- OH, MY GOD!- WE'RE LIKE OPRAH.

- THIS IS AWESOME.- HOW'D WE DO?

- YOU--YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

- RECEIVE A GIFTLIKE A NORMAL HUMAN.

SAY THANK YOU.SAY THANK YOU.

[slowed down]SAY THANK YOU.

IT'S A PRETTY BIGLETDOWN, I'LL ADMIT.

UH...

[applause]

- DID WE REALLY GIVE BRANDONA WAVERUNNER?

OKAY, THIS SHOULD BE BORING.

audience: OH!

- YES!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GETFOR WEARING SUNGLASSES INSIDE,

YOU ASS[bleep].

WE'RE GONNAFILL IN THE BLANKS

SO WHEN HE WAKES UPWE CAN EXPLAIN TO HIM

WHAT HAPPENEDIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

HIDDEN CAMERA SHOWSARE AWFUL.

BUT WHEN A PRANKGOES REALLY WRONG,

IT SUDDENLY BECOMEWATCHABLE.

THIS IS IN BELGIUM,WHICH OF COURSE

IS KNOWN FOR THEIR WAFFLESAND BLACK BELTS.

HERE WE HAVE A GUY ATTEMPTING

THE OLD "NET OVER A TOTALSTRANGER'S HEAD AT THE MALL

THEN RUNNING THROUGHA CROWD OF NINJAS" GAG.

IT'S A CLASSIC.

WHAT HE FORGOT TO REALIZE ISTHAT SPRINTING THROUGH A MALL

MAKES YOU LOOK LIKEA CRIMINAL.

HE'S AT THE 30, THE 20--DECAPITATED.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

LET'S SEE IT AGAIN.

audience: OH!

- OH! WHY COULDN'T HAVE THISBEEN DAX SHEPARD?

I WANTED TO DO A B.J. NOVAKREFERENCE THERE,

BUT NOBODY CARESWHO HE IS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE IT AGAININ SLO-MO.

audience: OH!

- THIS IS A LESSONTO ALL YOU DOUCHE BAGS

AND IMPROV TROOPS.

TAKE YOUR COMEDY GOLDTO THE OUTLET MALLS

WHERE IT'S JUST FATPOOR PEOPLE WADDLING AROUND.

THANK GOODNESS THE MANAGEROF CINNABON CAME RUNNING OVER.

TO POINT OUTTHAT THERE'S TWO GUYS

WEARING THE SAMEGAY MIME SHIRT.

ALSO, YOU KNOWWHAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

AFTER MY FACEHAS BEEN VIOLATED?

WHEN MY ATTACKERGENTLY RUBS MY BACK...

AND WHISPERS IN MY EARTHAT I DESERVE THIS.

LUCKY FOR US,EUROPEAN COPYRIGHT LAWS

ARE PRETTY, PRETTY...

PRETTY LENIENT.

WHICH MEANS GEMS LIKE THISEND UP ON THE INTERNET,

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

COMING UP, WE GIVE

Loading...