April 8, 2014 - Comedian Daniel Songer

  • 04/08/2014

A gorilla gets frisky with a tourist, Dr. Stanley Kramer helps the audience get in touch with their sphincters, and Daniel officiates a parking lot wedding.

NOW, WHAT IS THIS,THE DUNK CONTEST OF KARATE?

[audience groaning]

WHAT SHADE OF PINK BELT DO YOUGET FOR POPPING A BALLOON?

TRY THAT WITH MYLAR.

THAT'S A STRONG BALLOON.

NO ONE SEND "GET WELL SOON"BALLOONS TO THE HOSPITAL.

IT'S JUST TOO PAINFUL.

I GOT NO BEEF WITH BALLOONS,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING--I REPEAT NOTHING--

I HATE MORE THAN BUBBLES.

[laughter]

- [coughs]

- WHAT KIND OF GROWN MANCHEWS HUBBA BUBBA?

NOW, THIS NEWS STORY CLAIMSTHIS CHILD IS MAGNETIC,

SO I'M SURE IT'S REALAND NOT THEM

JUST FINDING AN EXCUSETO MAKE FUN OF AN OBESE KID.

- [speaking foreign language]

- IT'S NOT HIS FAULTHE'S HUSKY.

HE LITERALLY CAN'T PUTHIS FORK DOWN.

IT'S GOT TO BE ANNOYINGWHEN HE STAYS AT HOTELS,

YEAH, 'CAUSE HIS ROOM KEYKEEPS GETTING DEMAGNETIZED.

HE'S GOT TO WALKALL THE WAY DOWN

TO THE FRONT DESK,AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"ARE YOU PUTTING ITBY YOUR CELL PHONE?"

HE'S LIKE, "I'M A MAGNET."

AH, COME ON.

YEAH, THEY DON'T CALL HIMPIGGY BANK FOR NOTHING.

WE'RE SURE IT'S NOTJUST STICKING

TO HIS FAT, SWEATY TITS?

I'D LIKE TO ADOPT HIM.

OH, YOU DID SO GOODON YOUR REPORT CARD,

I'M GONNA PUT IT ON THE FRIDGE.

[grunts]

CANNOT WAIT FOR OTHER DADDY

TO COME HOME AND SEE THIS.

YOU'D THINK ME AND MY GAY LOVER

WOULD HAVE A BETTER KITCHEN.

NOW, ONLY ONE IN TEN TOURISTSDIE IN AFRICA,

SO DON'T LET THIS NEXT CLIPFREAK YOU OUT.

- COME THIS WAY.

DON'T WORRY.DON'T WORRY.

DON'T RUN.DON'T RUN.

- CAN I TAKE A PICTURE NOW?

- YEAH, SURE.NOW IS A GREAT TIME.

"YOU DON'T MIND IF I TAKE ONEWITH ME, DO YOU?"

- AH!

- OH, THAT SILVERBACKWANTS SOME SILVER SNATCH.

RAPE APE.

- AH!- OH, MAN.

THAT ALMOST MADE THE WHOLE TRIPWORTHWHILE FOR HER HUSBAND.

HE WAS JUST TAKING HER BACKTO THE MIST

FOR SOME INTIMATE PHOTOS.

THERE'S A GORILLA IN OUR OFFICE,

AND HE IS AN H.R. NIGHTMARE.

- HEY, THAT'S A CUTE TOP.

- THAT'S IT, GARRETT.I'M REPORTING THIS.

- WHAT?I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.

- YOU HAVE A ROCK-HARD BONER.

[laughter]

DIVERSITY HIRE.

NOT THE GORILLA, THE GIRL.

PLEASE SHOW ME THE NEXT VIDEO.

[cheers and applause]

[indistinct chatter]

AREN'T MAGICIANS' ASSISTANTSSUPPOSED TO BE

A LITTLE LOVELIER?

NOW LET'S SEE WHY THIS ISEVEN MORE PAINFUL TO WATCH

THAN BURT WONDERSTONEIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

LIKE THE LOTTERYAND AMERICAN IDOL,

DUMMIES ARE THE ONLY THINGS

KEEPING THE MAGIC INDUSTRYALIVE.

NOTHING BETTER FOR MAGIC

THAN HARSH, FLORESCENTCAFETERIA LIGHTING.

OH, THAT POWERFUL WARLOCK

JUST MADE HER 9 FEET TALL.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELLMAGIC ISN'T COOL?

NO BLACK GUY'S EVER DONE IT.

REAL MAGICIS HOW DAVID COPPERFIELD

KEEPS CONVINCING WOMENTO SLEEP WITH HIM.

COME ON, HOW ABOUTA LITTLE SHOWMANSHIP?

WE CAME TO SEE SOME ILLUSIONS,

NOT WATCH YOU BREAK DOWNA CARDBOARD BOX FOR RECYCLING.

OH, NO.

WHAT?

DIBS ON THE HALFWITH THE BETTER HOLES.

ABRACA--DAMN IT!

OH--OH!

SO THAT'S HOW THEY DID IT.

WAS THE TRICK TO GET A GIRLTO SIT IN A BOX

AND BE QUIET FOR 20 MINUTES?

IF SO, BRAVO.

[audience ohing]

TO HELL WITH IT.JUST TRANSFER SCHOOLS.

AND REMEMBER,YOU'RE ONLY A FAILURE

IF YOU'RE STILL DOING MAGICAS AN ADULT.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

COMEDIAN ENTERTAINERDANIEL SONGER.

- WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY

THAT LIKES TO GETHIS BUTT SPANKED?

PA-TRICK...

♪ I WANT TO ENTERTAIN YOU

WHO WANTS TO HAVEA COMPETITION IN FARTING?

DO YOU WANT TO DOSOMETHING DIRTY?

YEAH, I MEAN, IT JUST--WHOO!

I'M TELLING YOU.

- THAT LITERAL ROAD COMICIS DANIEL SONGER,

AND THOSE ARE JUST A FEW

OF HIS 242FREE YOUTUBE COMEDY ACTS.

HA-HA.YOUR MOVE, LOUIS CK.

HE'S GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.

CROWDS ARE MY LEAST FAVORITEPART OF STAND-UP.

COMEDY CLUBSARE WHERE SAD PEOPLE

PAY TO SEE OTHER SAD PEOPLETELL THEIR SAD JOKES.

IF YOU WANT TO SPEND300 NIGHTS A YEAR

CONTEMPLATING SUICIDEIN A TRAVELODGE,

BEING A COMICIS A PRETTY SWEET GIG.

WHICH COAST IS THE BESTFOR COMEDY?

THAT DEPENDS.

NEW YORK, YOU CAN PRACTICE YOURCROWD WORK

EIGHT TIMES A NIGHT IN SOMEHORRIBLE BASEMENTS.

L.A., YOU JUST GET READ YOURSNARKY TWEETS TO A ROOM

FULL OF MEANINGLESS BLOGGERS.

ATHLETES PEAK IN THEIREARLY 30s,

BUT COMEDIANS CAN KEEP HONINGTHEIR CRAFT

UNTIL THEY'RE TOO OLD TO MAKESENSE ANYMORE.

DID ANYONE UNDERSTAND ANYTHINGBILL COSBY WAS TALKING ABOUT

IN HIS LAST SPECIAL?

I'VE MET EVERY GREAT STAND-UP,

AND I PROMISE YOU NONE OF THEMARE GENIUSES.

THEY'RE JUST INSECURE, JEALOUS,MORALLY BANKRUPT MONSTERS

THAT ARE FUNNIER THAN YOURFRIENDS.

BUT EVEN IF YOU NEVER TRULYSUCCEED AS A STAND-UP,

IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYSGET A FALLBACK JOB

HOSTING THE TONIGHT SHOW.

LIKE RUSSELL BRAND, SONGER JUSTWANTS TO BE A COMEDIAN

WITHOUT ANY WRITING, PRACTICE,OR PUNCH LINES.

SO I FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE PEOPLE BECOME STAND-UPSBECAUSE THEY'RE NOT STUPID

ENOUGH TO BE ACTORS, IN THISWEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

TODAY WE'RE IN A BOEING 757

OPERATED BY AMERICA'S LAZIESTAIRLINE, UNITED.

INTRODUCED IN 1981, THE 757IS POWERED BY

PRATT & WHITNEY PW2000 SERIESTURBO FANS.

THE WINGS ARE DESIGNED FORIMPROVED TAKEOFF PERFORMANCE,

A HIGHER CRUISING ALTITUDE,AND PLOWING THROUGH

TALL OFFICE BUILDINGS.

HI, I'M DANIEL TOSH,

AND THIS IS"COMEDIANS IN COACH,

GETTING COMPLIMENTARYBEVERAGES."

DANIEL SONGER,COMEDIAN ENTERTAINER.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ON MY FLIGHT.

- THANK YOU.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- EXCUSE ME.

- OH.- OOH.

- HI.- HELLO.

- JUST SO YOU KNOW,

I HAVE A VERY SEVEREPEANUT ALLERGY.

- OH, GOOD.

bing!

- WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

- OOH, CAN I HAVE A BAG OFPEANUTS, PLEASE?

- SURE.HERE YOU GO.

I'M NOT GAY.

- OH!

OH!

- AND THAT'S HOW YOU TURN COACHINTO ECONOMY PLUS.

I'LL HAVE A GINGER ALE,

AND CAN I KEEP THE CAN?

- HERE YOU GO.

I'M NOT GAY.

ANYTHING FOR YOU, SIR?

- I'LL HAVE AN ORANGE JUICE,

AND CAN I KEEP THE CARTON?

- I'M NOT GAY.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONGWITH THAT.

- HOW DID YOU GET INTO COMEDY?

- ONE DAY, I'M SITTINGWITH MY FAMILY,

AND I SAID SOMETHINGTHAT WAS VERY COMIC,

AND EVERYBODY KEPT SAYING,"YOU KNOW, YOU NEED

TO BE A COMEDIAN."

- MM-HMM.

- AND THAT'S WHAT STARTEDCOMEDY ACT 1

THAT INCREMENTED DANALL THE WAY

TO COMEDY ACT 242.

- SO YOU'VE DONE COMEDY242 TIMES.

- YEAH, IT EQUATES TO ABOUT60 HOURS.

EVERY TIME YOU SIT DOWNON YOUR SEAT,

YOU'RE GONNA BE A FART SMELLER.

- WHO'S FILMINGMOST OF THE TIME?

- I HAVE A TRIPOD.

AND SO I DO EVERYTHINGBY MYSELF.

- I THINK YOU'RE ONTO SOMETHING.

YOU DON'T SWEAR A LOTONSTAGE, DO YOU?

- I WANTED TO WRITE MATERIAL

THAT WAS FOR EVERYBODY,

EVEN FOR HANDICAPPED PEOPLE.

IT'S LIKE IF SOMEBODY--

- I'LL BE HONEST,WHEN I SAW YOU DANCING,

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HANDICAPPED.

- OKAY.I KNOW. I KNOW.

- A LOT OF PERFORMERSDON'T WEAR SHORTS.

YOU ALWAYS WEAR SHORTS.

THE REASONI THINK YOU WEAR SHORTS

IS BECAUSE YOU HAVEAMAZING CALVES.

- THANK YOU.

I DANCE FOR, LIKE,TEN HOURS STRAIGHT.

AND THAT'S WHY I DEVELOPEDTHOSE CALVES, SO...

- HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THATTURNAROUND MOVE

THAT YOU START YOUR SHOW WITH?

- I CREATE NEW DANCESALL THE TIME.

- YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED?

- I'VE BEEN MARRIED,

AND IT JUST--IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

- DO YOU DATE A LOT?

- NO.NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT IN YEARS.

NO, SORRY.- [laughs]

- NOW YOU KNOW WHY MY LEGSARE SO STRONG.

[laughter]

- UH, NO, I DON'T.

WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

- DODGE.- DODGE.

IT'S AN AMERICAN CAR.- I'M FROM DETROIT.

- BETTER NOT SHOW UP IN DETROITWITH A HYUNDAI.

- OH, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE--BACK IN OUR DAYS,

IF YOU HAD A FOREIGN CAR,THEY'D THROW BOWLING BALLS

OFF OF BRIDGES.

- THAT CAN KILL SOMEBODY,THOUGH.

- IT DID FINALLY KILL SOMEBODY,AND THEY STOPPED--

- OKAY, WELL,THAT'S A GREAT STORY.

YOU HAVE ANY MATERIALABOUT PLANES,

ABOUT FLYING IN AIRPLANES?

- IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE,YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE AT THE WINDOW,SO...

LET ME LOOK THROUGH IT,YOU KNOW?

WHAT IS THAT OUT THERE?

[laughter]

YOU GOT THE WINDOW, BUDDY.

- ALL RIGHT.I SEE WHAT--YOU'RE GOING.

- I'LL SWITCH SEATS!

- YEAH, I'VE GOT THE WINDOW.

- ♪ PLEASE BE MY SAVIOR

I FIRST WROTE MY FIRST BOOK, I'M A STATUE.

AND THEN I WROTE HEAVEN'S HEADLINE NEWS.

- OH, WOW.- AND THEN JESUS' POETIC SONG.

- AND YOU WROTE ALL THE SONGS?

- YEAH.- THERE'S NO MUSIC.

- NO, BUT I KNOWHOW THEY GO, THOUGH.

I HAVE A MELODYTO ALL OF THEM.

- SO I NEED TO HAVE YOUAT MY HOUSE

WHEN I'M READING IT?

- THAT WOULD BE VERY KIND.

[laughter]

- EVERY ONE OF THEMIS INDIVIDUALLY COPYRIGHTED.

- YEAH.

- YOU CAN'T JUST COPYRIGHTTHE WHOLE BOOK?

YOU HAVE TO COPYRIGHTEACH PAGE?

- EACH SONG, I COPYWROTE.

IT GOT VERY EXPENSIVE.

[laughter]

- YOU'RE [bleep] CRAZY.

ALL RIGHT, DANIEL,YOU'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD

FOR HOW MANY YEARS?

- FIVE.- FIVE YEARS.

THAT'S LONG ENOUGH.

YOU DESERVE A SPECIAL,

AND I'M GONNAMAKE THAT HAPPEN.

- HOW'S THE CROWD LOOKING?

- OH, THERE IS NO CROWD.

YOU READY?

- YEAH, LET'S GO.

- ALL RIGHT.

[lively music]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

COMEDIAN ENTERTAINERDANIEL SONGER!

- HELLO, HOLLYWOOD!

HELLO, HEY.

I WAS DOWN AT COCOA BEACH,FLORIDA.

AND I WAS WALKING DOWNTHE BEACH.

WELL, IT CAME TIMEAT THAT TIME

WHERE I HAD TO GOTO THE BATHROOM!

HOW MANY PEOPLE OUT THEREARE MARRIED?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

MA'AM, YOU KNOW,WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

YOU'RE FROM HOLLYWOOD?

HOLLY, HOLLYWOOD!

I GET OFFAT THE FIRST EXIT,

AND THERE'S A THOUSAND CATSWITH THEIR PAWS IN THE AIR.

"GET BACK ON THE ROAD!"

♪ WIND ME UP

♪ WIND MEUP ♪

DIDN'T YOUR REPRESENTATIVETELL YOU

THAT I'M A FLAMINGTRANSVESTITE?

AND THEN THE BUILDING INSPECTORSHOWED UP.

HERE COME THE TEARS!

♪ I CAN'T GET NO

BROKEN RECORD.

WELL, THAT'S MY TWO HOURS.

THANK YOU.GOOD NIGHT.

[cheers and applause]

- YOU CAN SEE DANIEL SONGERTHIS WEEKEND IN TAMPA

AT THE INTERSECTION OFDALE MABRY AND VILLAGE DRIVE.

HOPEFULLY YOU GET A RED LIGHT.

- YOU KNOW LITTLE BABIESENJOY THEIR ASSHOLES.

WHEN YOU WERE VERY YOUNG,

YOU HAD NO SHAME.

YOU CERTAINLYDIDN'T CARRY TENSION

IN YOUR SPHINCTER MUSCLES.

WE WERE TAUGHT THATTHERE ARE PLACES ON OUR BODY

THAT WE SHOULD AVOID,

AND THE ASSHOLEIS AT THE TOP OF THE LIST.

SOON I WAS 30 YEARS OLD.

I HATED MY ASSHOLE.

- YOU HAD ME AT"BABY'S ASSHOLE."

THAT'S DR. JOSEPH KRAMER,

AND HE WANTS TO CHANGE THE WAYMEN EXPERIENCE SEXUAL PLEASURE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:

GIVE A MAN A HAND JOB,AND HE'LL SKEET FOR A DAY.

BUT TEACH A MAN TO STICKHIS HAND UP HIS ASS...

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S WHERETHE ANALOGY BREAKS DOWN.

BUT YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING.

I HAVE A FEELING MY FANSAREN'T AS COMFORTABLE

WITH THEIR BODIES AS I AM,

AND I THINK HE COULDTEACH US ALL A THING OR TWO

ABOUT LOVING OURSELVES.

SO PLEASE HELP ME WELCOMEDR. KRAMER.

DR. KRAMER,NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE.

- THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

- OH, I WAS HOPING YOU STILLHAD THAT MUSTACHE.

- THE VIDEO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUTIS 20 YEARS OLD.

- WELL, THAT LOOK DOESN'TGO OUT OF STYLE, MY FRIEND.

ARE YOU REALLY A DOCTOR,

OR IS THAT JUST A FUN NICKNAMELIKE DR. PHIL?

- I HAVE A PhDIN HUMAN SEXUALITY.

THERE'S NOT MANY OF US.

- WHY DO YOU SAY "ASS-HOLE"LIKE THAT?

IS IT A CLINICAL TERM?

- IT'S SPELLED W-H-O-L-E.

ASS-WHOLE.

- AH...

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN,YOU HAVE GOT

A LOT OF GREAT VIDEOSON YOUR WEBSITE, LIKE THIS ONE

WHERE YOU TEACH PEOPLEHOW TO GIVE ANAL MASSAGES.

[crowd groaning]

OKAY, WHERE CAN I GOTO GET ONE OF THOSE?

BECAUSE MY MASSEUSEWON'T PLAY BALL.

- YOU LIVE IN WEST HOLLYWOOD,DON'T YOU?

- CLOSE.

- PROBABLY 25 PEOPLE

IN WEST HOLLYWOODWILL DO THAT FOR YOU.

- THAT SEEMS LOW.

ALL RIGHT, I'M VERY INTERESTED

IN YOUR SOFT PENIS MASSAGEVIDEOS.

[crowd groaning]

- THE MAN IS RECEIVING

HUGE AMOUNTS OF PLEASUREWITH A SOFT [bleep].

- OKAY, I'M NOT SUREI COULD KEEP IT SOFT

DURING THAT FIRE STARTER MOVE.

ALSO, I'M VERY CONFUSEDBY SOME OF THE POSITIONS

YOU RECOMMENDPEOPLE MASTURBATE IN.

[crowd laughing]

- SEE,AND THAT'S THE BRIDGE.

IT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY POSITION.

- THAT SEEMS EXHAUSTINGAND KIND OF DANGEROUS.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE OF USTHAT ARE A LITTLE LESS FLEXIBLE?

- THE FRENULUM, THE PLACERIGHT BELOW THE HEAD,

HAS THE MOST NERVE ENDINGS,

SO IT'S LIKE THE CLITORIS;

IT'S THE CLITORIS OF THE PENIS.

- OKAY, ALL OF THISIS ROCK-SOLID INFORMATION.

- YOUR JOB IS TO MAKE PEOPLELAUGH FOR, LIKE, A HALF HOUR,

AND MY JOB IS,I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE

TO WANK FOR A HALF HOURAND ENJOY IT.

- A HALF HOUR?

THEN YOU'RE GONNA MISSMY ENTIRE SHOW.

- I WOULD RATHER MASTURBATETHAN WATCH YOUR SHOW.

- YOU AND ME BOTH.

THAT REMINDS ME, MY SEMENHAS RED STREAKS IN IT.

IS THAT NORMAL?

- GO SEE A DOCTOR.

- A REAL DOCTOR.GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT,IS THERE ANYTHING NEW

YOU COULD TEACH MY AUDIENCE

THAT WOULD HELP USENJOY OUR ASSHOLES MORE?

- WE CAN DO THIS WITHTHE SPHINCTERS BY CLENCHING.

SO EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE...

CLENCH, RELAX, INHALE...

[breathing deeply]

AND LAUGHTER IS GOOD TOO.

- [laughs]

- [laughs]- I'M STILL CLENCHED.

I'M STILL CLENCHED.

[laughter]

LAST QUESTION.

WHAT THE [bleep] IS THIS ABOUT?

- WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I TRIED TO[bleep] THE EARTH ALL THE TIME.

I WOULD GUESS HALF OF THE MENTHAT I KNOW

AS BOYS TRIEDTO [bleep] THE EARTH.

- OKAY, YOU NEED NEW FRIENDS.

IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMESTILL SOMEONE HITS A ROOT.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE,DOCTOR.

WE APPRECIATE IT.

- DANIEL,THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

AND SAVOR.

SAVOR EVERYTHING.

- OKAY.

ALL RIGHT,THAT'S ENOUGH.

AND FINALLY,IT'S BASEBALL SEASON.

AND SINCE MARRIAGEIS ALL WOMEN THINK ABOUT,

A FEMALE BLOGGERFOUND OUT HOW MUCH IT COSTS

TO PROPOSE IN EVERY STADIUM.

IT ONLY COSTS $39 TO PROPOSEAT A PIRATES GAME.

THAT'S ABOUT HOW MUCHI'D SPEND FOR A GIRL

WHO WORKS IN A COAL MINE.

85 BUCKS IN OAKLAND?

FOR 15 MORE YOU COULD GETA BLOW JOB IN THE BATHROOM.

THAT'S MONEYBALL.

MOST EXPENSIVE BALLPARK?

YOU GUESSED IT:

DODGER STADIUM.

$2,500.

THAT IS A LOT OF MONEYTO THROW AROUND

IN FRONT OF 30,000 MEXICANS.

HELL, IF YOU GET DOWN THERETHIS WEEK,

I'LL MARRY YOUIN THE PARKING LOT FOR FREE.

[crowd chanting]LET'S GO, DODGERS!

- BY THE LAWSOF PARKING SECTION E7,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOUHUSBAND AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

- VIVA LOS DODGERS!

WHOO! WHOO!

- OKAY--THAT'S OKAY.

THAT'S GONNA HAPPENOUT IN THE PARKING LOT.

- LOS DODGERS![gunshot]

- OH, [bleep]--

IF YOU WANT TO [bleep] LIVE,COME WITH ME.

THAT MIGHT BE THE BEST THINGTHAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

- [indistinct chanting]

- AND THAT WASAFTER THE DODGERS WON.

(MUSIC)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

COMEDIAN ENTERTAINER

DANIEL SONGER

HELLO HOLLYWOOD

HELLO HEY YOU KNOW MY NAME

DANIEL SONGER

BUT IF YOU GO ON THE INTERNET

AND PUT YOUR NAME

JUST PUT YOUR NAME IN THEINTERNET

AND YOU WOULD NOT

BELIEVE HOW MANY PEOPLE

OUT THERE HAVE THE SAME

NAME AS YOU YES SIR

THEY HAVE THE SAME NAME

AND IF YOU GO ON THERE

AND YOU PUT MY

NAME IN THERE

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW

MANY PEOPLE HAVE THE

SAME NAME AS ME

(SINGING) LOOK WHAT THEY DONE

TO MY NAME MAN

LOOK WHAT THEY DONE

TO MY NAME

THEY'VE TAKEN IT DOWN

TO A LOW DOWN NASTY

SHAME MAN LOOK WHAT THEY

DONE TO MY NAME

YEAH (LAUGHS) THEY HAVE REALLY

TAKEN IT DOWN

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU CAN TAKE MY NAME

AND PUT IT IN

ON THE INTERNET

D-A-N-I-E-L-S-O-N

AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE

TO HIT THE G-SPOT

DID YOU JUST HIT THE G-SPOT?

YEAH YOU DON'T EVEN

HAVE TO HIT THE G-SPOT!

DANIEL SONGER

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE

HOLLYWOOD

THANK YOU SO MUCH

HEY YA YOU KNOW WHAT

I LOVE TO TRAVEL

AND I LOVE THE OCEANS

AND I WAS DOWN IN

COCO BEACH FLORIDA

AND I WAS WALKING DOWN

THE BEACH YOU KNOW

YEAH SIPPING ON SOME

JACK DANIELS HAVING FUN

AND WALKING PAST ALL

THESE BANDS AND WELL

IT CAME TIME TO THAT TIME

WHERE I HAD TO GO TO THEBATHROOM

HEY ARE YOU LEAVING SIR?

HOLD ON A MINUTE

BATHROOM BREAK BATHROOM BREAK

HEY AH

SO I WENT OUT IN THE OCEAN

AND I AM TAKING A LEAK

AND THIS BAND STARTS

PLAYING THIS SONG THAT

WAS SO AWESOME I JUST

HAD TO TURN AROUND

I MEAN IT WAS GOOD

YOU KNOW IT WAS LIKE

(SINGING) MAN I GOT

TO DO SOME ROCK AND ROLLING

YOU KNOW AND ALL

OF A SUDDEN

EVERYBODY WATCHING THE BAND

THEY TURN AROUND

AND THEY START LOOKING AT ME

I'M LIKE

WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE MAN?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING

AT ME FOR?

AND I REALIZED THE

WATER WAS AT MY KNEES MAN

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU MAN

OH THAT WAS LIKE

A CHEAP THRILL YOU KNOW

OH I THINK THEY LOVED IT

OH WELL IT'S JUST FUN GUYS

JUST HAVING FUN

HOLLYWOOD WHO'S OUT

THERE HAVING FUN?

ARE YOU OUT THERE SIR?

MA'AM HAVING FUN

HEY HOW MANY PEOPLE

OUT THERE TODAY OK

HAVE EVER BEEN HIT

WITH A BILL THAT IS

THREE TIMES THE AMOUNT

YOU ARE USED TO PAYING?

AH MAN I'M TELLING YOU

IT'S LIKE MAN I'M ABOUT

READY TO HAVE A HEART ATTACKMAN

I CAN'T AFFORD THIS

THREE TIMES THE AMOUNT THAT

YOU'RE NORMALLY PAYING

AND YOU KNOW THAT REALLY

REALLY TAKES A REALLY HARD

THING TO HANDLE

CAUSE ITS LIKE A

I JUST GOT SHOCKED MAN

DAHH!

(SINGING) SHOT THROUGH THEHEART

AND THEY'RE TO BLAME

DARLING YOU GIVE LOVE

A BAD NAME

WELL MAYBE A BAD BILL

BUT I YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU WANT TO PAY

THESE PEOPLE BACK

HOW ABOUT YOU SIR?

DO YOU WANT TO PAY THEM BACK?

I MEAN GIVE THEM THE SHOCK

THAT THEY GAVE YOU

SO I GIVE THEM A CALL

AND OF COURSE YOU KNOW

THEY'RE GOING TO SAY

YOU OWE SIR I'M SORRY

AND WHAT DOES EVERYBODY

WANT TO DO IS SAY

I WANT TO SPEAK TO

YOUR SUPERVISOR I WANT TO

AND SO OF COURSE YOU KNOW

THEY ARE GOING TO TRANSFER

YOU KNOW (SINGING) YOU'RE

GOING TO DO THE TRANSFER

AND THEY TRANSFER YOU

TO WHO?

WHO DO THEY TRANSFER YOU TO SIR?

CAN YOU TALK TO ME?

THEY TRANSFER YOU TO

THE SUPERVISOR

SO YOU GO AND GET TRANSFERRED

TO THE SUPERVISOR AND THE

SUPERVISOR GETS ON THE PHONE

HELLO MR. SONGER

AND I'M LIKE

NO THIS IS MRS. SONGER

DIDN'T YOUR REPRESENTATIVE TELLYOU

THAT I'M A FLAMING TRANSVESTITE

WHOA TELL ME IS THAT A SHOCK

I CAN'T HEAR YOU OUT THERE

CAN'T HE'S IN A SHOCK

I DON'T KNOW IT'S A SHOCK

SO HEY GUYS YOU KNOW WHAT

I WAS OUT IN MY BACKYARD

DRILLING AND I STRUCK OIL

IT WAS A GUSHER MAN

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU A GUSHER

I FOUND OUT LATER

THAT THE GAS STATION NEXT DOOR

LOST ALL THEIR OIL

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MAN

THEY LOST ALL OF THEIR OIL

HEY I YOU KNOW WHAT

IT HAS BEEN SO AWESOME MAN

I MEAN YOU KNOW

OIL IS SO PRICELESS TODAY BUT AH

YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU KNOW HOW LIKE YOU GUYS

ARE DRIVING DOWN THE INTERSTATE

AND YOU GOT THOSE

BIG ELECTRONIC SIGNS MAN

ACROSS THE INTERSTATE

BIG ELECTRONIC SIGNS

WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY GIVE YOU DIRECTION MAN

IT'S REALLY AWESOME

JUST TOTAL DIRECTION AND

WELL I'M HEADIN' IN TO THIS

MONSTROUS CITY I MEAN

MONSTROUS CITY AND IT COMES UP

ON THIS ELECTRONIC SIGN

(SINGING) I'M ON THE

HIGHWAY TO HELL

AND I'M THINKING

OH NO MAN I GOT TO

GET OFF ON THE FIRST EXIT

WELL I GET OFF AT THE FIRSTEXIT

AND THERE'S A THOUSAND CATS

WITH THEIR PAWS IN THE AIR

GET BACK ON THE ROAD

OH NO MAN HEY YOU KNOW WHAT

I HAVE GOT A LOT OF COMMENTS

THAT PEOPLE SAY THAT I USE

I KNOW A LOT

I KNOW I KNOW

IS THAT RIGHT SIR?

I KNOW

WELL DO YOU KNOW?

(SINGING) I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW

THEN YOU'RE LIKE

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT THAT IS IS ACTUALLY

THAT IS THE NEW ROCK AND ROLL

HALL OF FAME

IT'S A BROKEN RECORD

(SINGING) I CAN'T GET NO

I CAN'T GET NO

I CAN'T GET NO

I CAN'T GET NO

BROKEN RECORD

ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME MAN

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU

ALRIGHT SETTLE DOWN OVER

THERE GUYS SETTLE DOWN

HEY I WANT TO START OUT THIS

THIS NEXT ONE

ON SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL

AND I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS

FOR ALL THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD

IT GOES LIKE THIS

(SINGING) WIND ME UP

WIND ME UP

WIND ME UP

WIND ME UP FOR THE BLAST OFF

YEAH BABY

WIND ME UP

WIND ME UP

WIND ME UP FOR THE BLAST OFF

RIGHT OFF INTO THE

NEXT STAR CONSTELLATION

BLAST OFF

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN

AN INNOVATOR MY WHOLE LIFE

AND I AM TELLING YOU GUYS

I STARTED WRITING THESE SYMBOLS

AND I MEAN THEU WERE AWESOME

SYMBOLS TURNED OUT THAT THESE

SYMBOLS WERE FROM ANOTHER

STAR CONSTELLATION IT WASUNBELIEVABLE

AND AS I STARTED WRITING

THEM ACROSS THE PAGE

IT TURNED OUT THAT THEY

WERE WORDS MAN

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU MAN

WORDS FROM ANOTHER STARCONSTELLATION

AND THEN OF COURSE YOU KNOWWHEN

I STARTED ANOTHER LINE

AND AS IT ALL COLLECTED

THEY TURNED OUT TO BE

SENTENCES

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU MAN

THEY WERE SENTENCES FROM

ANOTHER STAR CONSTELLATION

AND I'LL TELL YOU

MY FRIENDS HERE MY FANS

ALL OVER THE WORLD

THE ONLY THING I CAN TELL YOU IS

(SINGING) FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

ONLY FOR YOU

YOU SEE WHAT ONLY I CAN SEE

NOW I'M BREAKING FREE

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

ONLY FOR YOU

HEY YOU KNOW FOR A LONG

LONG TIME I HAVE BEEN

DOING MY SHOW ON A STAGE

CALLED THE TRANQUILITY HALL

AND HERE I AM TODAY

HOLLYWOOD ON TRANQUILITY HALL

AND YOU KNOW WHAT

I OF COURSE ON TRANQUILITY HALL

HAVE MY HOUSE OUT BACK MAN

AND WELL I GO IN AND USE

THE BATHROOM AND THERE IS

WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR

YEAH AND YOU HAVE BEEN THERE

YOU KNOW I MEAN

WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR

AND I REALIZED THAT THERE IS

A CRACK IN MY TOILET

YEAH MAN I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT

YOU KNOW

AND THEN IT HIT ME

ITS LIKE OH MY GOD

ANYBODY ANYBODY OUT THERE

THAT USES A TOILET

HAS GOT A CRACK

YEAH IT'S NOT AS CRACKED UP

AS YOU THINK MAN

NO YES UP THERE YES SIR

YOU DO HAVE A CRACK

I KNOW

I TELL YOU GUYS

I HAVE BEEN TOTALLY

IN SOLITUDE MAN

JUST DOING MY COMEDY ACTS

BUDDIES

BUT I JUST A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

YOU KNOW

HOW MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE

ARE MARRIED?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU

YOU KNOW

HOW MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE

ARE MARRIED?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

YOU KNOW CAN I TALK TO

THIS NICE LADY OVER HERE

MA'AM YOU KNOW

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

YOU ARE FROM HOLLYWOOD?

(SINGING) HOLLY HOLLY WOOD

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOOD LOOKING

I'M GETTING SOMEONE BABY

(SINGING) HOLLY HOLLY WOOD

COME ON BABY

YOU WANT TO DO THE

WIND ME UP?

(SINGING) WIND ME UP

WIND ME UP

WIND ME UP FOR BLAST OFF

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