July 19, 2011 - The $150,000 Tosh.0 Marathon

  • 07/19/2011

Daniel reveals his homemade sex toy, male lactation comes in handy, and the Tosh.0 Marathon begins.

[LAUGHING]

>> THAT WAS A BRUTAL 5K.

RUNNING IS WHAT POOR PEOPLE DO

TO CATCH THE BUS.

>> IF I WANTED TO TORTURE MYSELF

WITH A MISERABLE ACTIVITY FOR A

LONG TIME I WOULD BE IN A

EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

RUNNING IS ALMOST AS BORING AS

THOSE WHO CLAIM TO ENJOY IT.

THE ONLY TIME I RUN IS AFTER

EATING VIETNAMESE SOUP AND THE

ENDLINE IS A TOILET.

THE WALL YOU'RE HITTING IS YOUR

BODY TELLING YOU, YOU ARE ABOUT

TO DIE.

I KNOW RUNNING IS ABOUT TO CLEAR

YOUR HEAD.

SO IS WHACKING OFF AND YOU DON'T

HAVE TO STRETCH FIRST BUT I

CHOOSE TOO.

IT'S A EXCUSE TO POST UP AT THE

OLIVE GARDEN AND HIT THE NEVER

ENDING PASTA BOWL.

THE FINISH LINE EVERYONE IS

WRAPPED LIKE A BAKED POTATO

WONDERING WHEN THEIR TOE NAILS

WILL GROW BACK.

THE ONLY REASON MARATHONS ARE

AROUND IS SO 20,000 WHITE PEOPLE

CAN CHASE 3 BLACK PEOPLE THROUGH

THE STREETS OF BOSTON LIKE THE

GOOD OLD DAYS.

NOBODY WILL BEAT A KENYAN THEY

HAVE BEEN RUNNING FROM THINGS

ALL OF THEIR LIVES PWAO*EUPBS,

TIGERS AND AIDS, OH MY.

BUT I INVITE YOU ALL TO JOIN THE

TOSH.O MARATHON.

>> WELCOME EVERYBODY TO HERMOSA

BEACH, CALIFORNIA.

THIS IS THE 150,000-DOLLAR

TOSH.O TREADMILL MARATHON

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SOBE.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, ENTER

YOUR WEIGHT AND PICK A CYCLE

THAT IS APPROPRIATE FOR YOUR

ABILITY.

(GUN SHOT )

>> YOUR ONLY OPPONENT IS YOUR

SELF AND THAT BLACK GUY.

(CHEERS).

>> I HAVE NEVER RAN A MARATHON

AND I HAVE DONE ZERO TRAINING.

I WILL HAVE YOU IN NO TIME MY

FRIEND.

(CHEERS )

>> IT'S REALLY DANGEROUS.

THAT'S THE PACE I WOULD KEEP UP

BUT I HAVE THINGS TO DO.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

>> --

>> ARE YOU FROM KENYA?

>> YES.

>> IS YOUR SWEAT SALTY OR SPEUR

SYRUPY?

IS THIS HOW YOU STAY IN SHAPE

DURING MURDER BALL OFF SEASON.

>> YES.

>> ARE THERE CAT WALKS THERE ARE

26 MILES LONG.

>> THERE IS NOW.

>> IF ANYBODY NEEDS SUNBLOCK,

LET ME KNOW?

WE HAVE A SPECIAL SUNBLOCK WE

WILL APPLY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HOW ABOUT A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

FOR OUR U.S. MARINES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> AND IN BETWEEN THEM A PERSON

OF INTEREST.

YOU CAN'T OUT RUN FREEDOM.

IS WATERBOARDING A GOOD WAY TO

HYDRATE.

SORRY ABOUT OSAMA.

>> WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

I'M SO SORRY, I ALMOST KILLED

THE LAST PANDA.

DID YOU BAMBOO LOAD FOR THIS?

THERE IS NEVER A GOOD TIME FOR

IMPROMTU COMEDY SO PLEASE

WELCOME CATCH ME IF YOU CAN.

>> HI, EVERYBODY.

>> DYE?

DIE.

>> WHO IS HUNGRY.

LET'S BRING OUT SOME SERVERS.

WE HAVE CHICKEN WINGS.

THIS GUY NEEDS BLUE CHEESE.

WE HAVE A SUICIDE DRINK GOING

OUT.

PLEASE MAKE SURE IF YOU THROW UP

TO WIPE DOWN YOUR MACHINE

AFTERWARDS.

DON'T YOU WISH YOU WOULD OF

REGISTERED EARLIER.

DID YOU PICK THE MACHINE YOU ARE

ON?

>> NO, YOU PICKED THEM OUT.

>> THAT MUST BE THE WORST FOR

THE MARATHON OR RUNNING IN

PLACE.

COME ON, PICK UP, PICK IT UP.

>> DOES ANYBODY WANT TO GO ON A

DATE WITH ME?

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM, ALISON.

>> HERMOSA BEACH.

>> HERMOSA BEACH.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A BITE, YOU

MAKE ME THINK YOU'RE A GIRL WHO

WON'T EAT.

I LOVE THEM.

THEY STAY THIN.

YOU.

>> HOW IS THE SEAT.

>> IT HURTS MY BUTT.

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

STANDING HERE.

>> AN HOUR.

>> I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT POP OUT

OF MY SHORTS.

>> IS THIS WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOU

WOULD BE DOING TODAY.

>> NOT REALLY.

>> IT'S AMAZING THIS MANY PEOPLE

ARE WASTING THEIR DAY.

>> I WAS ON AN AIRPLANE ONCE.

THIS GIRL TOLD ME, SHE SAYS DOES

MY BREATH SMELL LIKE TACOS.

>> I SAID I DON'T KNOW DO YOU

PUT [BEEP] IN YOUR TACOS.

>> ARE YOU A TODD BLACK FAN?

WHO NEEDS A NEW TEE SHIRT?

FIRE IN THE HOLE.

>> OKAY.

THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

THAT'S HOW WE LEARN.

>> THIS HAS BEEN A MAGICAL DAY.

IT'S ABOUT TO GET MORE MAGICAL.

>> WHAT?

IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD YOU

PROBABLY BELIEVE IN THAT.

THAT'S AWESOME.

LET'S CHECK IN ON OUR GOOD

FRIEND FROM KENYA.

SEE WHERE HE IS AT?

23 MILES.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO CATCH HIM.

WE BROUGHT YOU THIS NEXT ACT ALL

THE WAY FROM 1977 WHEN SWING

DANCING WAS SORT OF ACCEPTABLE.

[LAUGHING]

>> STROKE, STROKE.

>> GUYS, WE LOST A RUNNER.

>> THINK OF THE AMOUNT OF

TRAFFIC YOU'RE NOT CLOGGING UP

RIGHT NOW.

>> 26 MILES.

HE HIT 26 MILES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HE'S ON THE HOME STRETCH.

>> AHHH!

OKAY, EVERYBODY PAUSE YOUR

MACHINES.

RECORD YOUR TIMES.

THIS IS WHERE YOU WILL FINISH.

STOP RUNNING.

>> ANY WORDS?

>> I'M SO THANKFUL FOR YOU

BRINGING ME HERE.

I'M HAPPY TO RUN WITH YOU GUYS.

MY FASTEST TIME ON THE

TREADMILL.

THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> YOU WILL GET HIM NEXT TIME.

COUCH IS A SIMILAR THRILL RIDE.

I THINK THIS NEXT FISH HAS HAD A

LITTLE WORK DONE.

[LAUGHING]

>> MORE LIKE THE SEXIEST CATCH.

PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND

SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE

CAN MAKE.

MAYBE THAT FISH WAS BORN WITH IT

MAYBE IT'S MABELINE.

THAT THING COULD NIBBLE ON MY

FISHSTICK ANY DAY.

MEG RYAN JUST DIDN'T HIT THE

FISH WALL SHE SWAUPL UNDER IT.

>> VALLEY TRADITIONAL HIGH

SCHOOL IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A

RACIAL CONTROVERSY RIGHT NOW.

A TEACHER USED THE "N" WORD

TOWARDS THE STUDENT.

>> WHAT DESAY SPECIFICALLY TO

YOU?

>> SIT DOWN N.

>> KEYSHAWN USED THE N WORD

FIRST.

>> I WAS STUNNED AND SAID GET

AWAY FROM THE DOOR N.

I REPEATED THE SAME INSULT

THAT'S SORT OF WHAT I'VE BEEN

TRAINED TO DO.

>> THAT'S HOW HE WAS TRAINED BY

WHOM, MEL GIBSON.

A WHITE GAY SAYING THE N WORD.

IT MIGHT BE TIME TO PLAY IS IT

RACIST.

YOUR FAVORITE GAME SHOW IN A

CLIP SHOW.

>> DOES NOT LIKE THE WORD, FEEL

MORE COMFORTABLE --

>> YES I USED NIGGAH.

I PUT THE H ONTO EMPHASIZE

NIGGAH.

NIGGAH, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW CAN YOU LEND A NIGGAH A

PENCIL.

>> I ASSUME HE NEEDS IT FOR

POETRY SLAM.

I THINK IF EMINEM WON'T SAY IT

YOU SHOULDN'T USE IT IN YOUR

SOPHOMORE ENGLISH CLASS.

>> I WILL NEVER USE A FORM OF

NIGGAH.

>> STARTING NOW I'M NEVER SAYING

IT AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, GIVE ME THE WEEKEND

I'M GOING TO OAKLAND.

I GET WHAT HE'S SAYING.

IF YOU ADD AN H IT'S NOT RACIST.

IT'S YOUR CLASSIC TOMATO AND TOM

TOMATOH.

>> I SAW YOU KISSING HER.

THAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

THAT'S YOUR EXCUSE.

>> TRIPPING.

>> I SAID --

>> CAN I GET ONE.

>> SURE ANYTHING FOR MY WET

BACKHAS.

>> THOSE PICKAHS ARE SENSITIVE.

>> DID YOU FINISH WITH THE BOOK

YET?

>> IT'S A TERM OF ENDEARMENT.

CAN A KIKAH GET A PENCIL.

SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US YOU

DIABETES CRAPHA.

>> IS IT RACIST?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> GUYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE CHEERING ABOUT A THUMBS

QUICK WHEN HE NEEDS HIS ASS

WIPED.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[LAUGHING]

UFRPLTS I KNOW THEY'RE NOT

WATCHING COMEDY CENTRAL.

THEY'RE LAUGHING WAY TOO HARD.

IT'S TIME FOR FEAR AND LOATHING

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THESE TWO HAVE DECIDED TO SET

UP A CAMERA IN THEIR DRUG DEN

AND SMOKE SALVIA, WEED'S TRIPPY

LITTLE BROTHER.

I HAVE BEEN WATCHING DECORATORS

AND THOSE BED SHEETS NAILED TO

THE WINDOW BRING IT ALL

TOGETHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WOULD WANT

TO ESCAPE THIS REALTY BY DOING

DRUGS.

A TWO BONG HOME, IMPRESSIVE.

NOTHING BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER

LIKE WATCHING THE WALLS MELT.

I YES YOUR PARENTS WERE WRONG,

DRUGS ARE AWESOME AND WE SHOULD

ALL DO THEM.

OH, NO WE'RE LOSING THEM.

THE FLOOR IS LAV OOH, AND SHE'S

BEING HELD DOWN AND RAPED BY SIX

SMURFS.

IN THEATERS THIS WEEKEND.

THIS IS YOUR WINDOW.

THIS IS YOUR WINDOW ON SALVIA.

ANY QUESTIONS?

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS DRUG ADDICT

PROOF MY HOUSE BEFORE A BIG

TRIP.

>> OH HE REALLY HAD TO GET OUT

OF THERE.

MAYBE HE HAD A MOMENT OF CLARITY

AND REALIZED DIVING THROUGH THE

WINDOW WAS BETTER THAN ONE MORE

MINUTE WITH HIS DRUGGY

GIRLFRIEND.

REMEMBER KIDS SALVIA IS

COMPLETELY LEGAL AND YOU CAN BYE

NOW MY FAVORITE WEBSITEHOMEMADESEXTOYS.COM.

IT TEACHES YOU HOW TO MAKE SEXTOYS OUT OF THINGS LYING AROUND

THE HOUSE.

LIKE A SPONGE OFF.

THERE ARE OPTIONS FOR YOU GIRLSTOO.

LIKE THE BALLOON RUB.

MAKE A WATER BALLOON, COAT ITWITH K-Y AND RUB IT ON YOUR RED

SNAPPER.

THESE INSPIRED ME TO MAKE MY OWNSEX TOY AND SO FAR THE LADIES

LOVE IT.

>> THANKS FOR TESTING THE SEXZIP LINE.

>> HOW DOES THIS WORK.

>> I AM GOING TO ZIP INTO YOURSNIVICH.

>> FAIR ENOUGH.

>> I CAN'T HOLD IT.

I'M A -- I'M ABOUT ...

I'M SO SORRY.

THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO MEBEFORE.

YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE YOU SHOULDJUST.

GO I WILL CALL YOU TOMORROW.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

>> GET THE [BEEP] OUT OF MYHOUSE.

>> YOU ASSHOLE.

>> YOUR ZIP LINE SUCKS.

>> THANKS FOR HELPING US OUT,

[LAUGHING]

>> HEY, BRO YOUR PECS ARE

LEAKING DUDE JUICE.

>> I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE MEN HAD

HOLES IN THEIR NIPS.

IS THIS JOE ROGAN?

THE NEW SEASON OF FEAR FACTOR

LOOKS REFRESHING.

OH, WE ARE SO CLOSE TO NOT EVEN

NEEDING GIRLS FOR ANYTHING.

I BET HE MENUSTRATES OUT OF HIS

WEINER.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT MALE LACTATION

CAN REALLY COME IN HANDY.

>> NEW RECORD.

CONGRATULATIONS WHAT DO YOU WANT

THE TIGER OR THE BEAR.

>> OH, THE BEAR.

>> THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.

THE BIGGER GETS THE BEARMENT.

>> THANKS MAN.

I COULD [BEEP] YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

>> IF I HAD A NICKEL EVERY TIME

I SQUIRTED INTO A CLOWN'S MOUTH

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