April 1, 2014 - Prancing Elites

  • 04/01/2014

A ginger gymnast breaks his arm, Daniel goes on tour with a cross-dressing dance troupe, and Todd Glass pranks a member of the Tosh.0 audience.

OKAY, LITERALLY NOTHINGHAS EVER KEPT AN ASIAN

FROM GETTING TO SCHOOL.

LOOKS LIKE WE HAVEAN EARLY FRONTRUNNER

FOR "CROSSING GUARDOF THE YEAR."

OKAY, IN FAIRNESS, WE DID NAPALMALL THEIR BRIDGES 50 YEARS AGO.

APPARENTLY, SEAN PENN'STOO BUSY PORKING CHARLIZE THERON

TO GET OVER THEREWITH BRIDGE SUPPLIES.

I GOT A SAFER WAYTO GET THOSE KIDS ACROSS.

HEAR ME OUT, OKAY?

YOU TAKE A BABY,YOU TIE HIM TO A FLAT-ISH ROCK,

ALL RIGHT,AND GIVE HIM A GOOD SKIP.

SURE, YOU'RE GONNA LOSEA FEW BABIES AT FIRST,

BUT THEN YOU'LL GETTHE HANG OF IT.

BETTER THAN WHAT MOSES'S MOMDID. WICKER?

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO KEEPA BABY FROM BEING MURDERED

BY EGYPTIANS, AND THAT'STO FLOAT HIM

DOWN THE RIVER IN A BASKET.

HI, I'M DANIEL TOSHFOR FLEX SEAL.

YOU JUST GIVE ITA QUICK SHOT,

AND YOU GOT YOURSELFAN AIRTIGHT SEAL.

GOOD LUCK, BABY MOSES.

THE ONLY TIME A BABYSHOULD BE IN A WICKER BASKET

IS IF IT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENTON CHOPPED.

EVEN FOOT FETISH GUYSARE ON THE FENCE

ABOUT THIS NEXT ONE.

- THIS IS AWHEELCHAIR-ACCESSIBLE STATION.

- BITCHES BE SNACKIN'.

IT'S ALMOST AS DISTURBINGAS SECRETLY FILMING SOMEONE

ON A TRAIN.

NOTHING LIKE CURLING UPWITH A GOOD BOOK

AND A FOOT FULL OF CALLUSES.

LET ME GUESS, SHE'S READING"HOW TO GET YOUR OWN SEAT

ON A TRAIN."

HAVING SOME HEEL JERKY.

FRUIT BY THE FOOT.

YOU SPREAD SOME TOE JAMON THERE, DELICIOUS.

REMINDS ME--I NEED TO SWING BY THE DELI.

- WHAT CAN I GET YOU?- AH, YOUR WHITE HEEL'S

ON SALE TODAY. I'D LIKEA POUND OF THAT, PLEASE.

- 'KAY.[machine whirs]

THAT THIN ENOUGH FOR YOU?- OH, YEAH, THAT'LL BE GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU BETTERMAKE IT A POUND AND A HALF.

THAT IS REALLY GOOD.

- WILL THAT BE ALL FOR YOU?- POSSIBLY.

WHAT DO YOU HAVETHAT'S THICK AND ITALIAN?

I ALSO BOUGHT SOME COLESLAW.

I DON'T KNOW WHYTHEY DIDN'T SHOW THAT.

ALL RIGHT, I BET THIS NEXT GUYWAS ALWAYS PICKED LAST

AT TERRORIST SCHOOL.

- [speaking native language]

[whimpers]

- I DON'T CAREWHAT JENNY MCCARTHY SAYS.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO GET IMMUNIZEDDURING COLD AND JEW SEASON.

NOW, FOR BEING SO BRAVE,YOU GET A FALAFEL LOLLIPOP.

HEY, SACHA BARON COHEN,

BUCA DI BEPPO WOULD LIKETHEIR TABLECLOTH BACK.

WILL YOU BE PAYINGWITH YOUR INSURANCE

OR WILL WE BECUTTING YOUR HAND OFF?

I'M AFRAID OF DOCTORS TOO.

- ALL RIGHT, DAN YOUR TEST--- [wails at a high pitch]

- YOUR TEST RESULTS ARE--- [continues wailing]

- DANIEL, THIS IS SERI--- [wailing]

- TAKE A LOOK--- [wailing]

- I'M TRYING TO TELL YOUYOU'RE PREGNANT.

- UGH, I'M GONNA HAVE TO MAKEANOTHER DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.

I'M GONNA KEEP THE BABY.

[cheers and applause]

SPOILER ALERT.THIS DOES NOT END WELL.

NOW, LET'S SEE WHY SOME GYMNASTSARE BETTER OFF

TWIRLINGTHAT RIBBON ON A STICK...

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

LOOKS LIKE THE U.S. IS SENDINGOUR "B" TEAM TO RIO.

THAT LAWLESS HELLHOLE ISTOO DANGEROUS TO RISK OUR STARS.

MAN, HE IS REALLY LIGHTON HIS FEET.

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

- YES, YOU IN THE UNITARD.YOU HAVE A QUESTION?

OH, MY MISTAKE.THIS IS JUST

THE RARE "WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN"FINISHING POSITION.

LIKE HIS RED HAIRWASN'T ENOUGH OF A DEFORMITY.

IS HIS BONE STICKING OUT?HE'S TOO PALE TO TELL.

GINGERS' BONESARE MORE BRITTLE

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PROCESSNUTRIENTS.

MCKAYLA MARONEYWOULD NOT BE IMPRESSED.

OF COURSE, HE'S BUMMED.WHEN YOU'RE THAT AGE,

YOUR RIGHT HAND ISYOUR ONLY REASON FOR LIVING.

THAT SEEMS LIKE OVERKILL.HE'S NOT HANNIBAL LECTER.

[applause]

AND I THOUGHT PEOPLE ONLY CLAPFOR NOTHING

DURING A FALLON MONOLOGUE.

HE'D GIVE THE CROWDTHE OL' THUMBS UP,

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT DOESN'TPOINT THAT WAY ANYMORE.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.[cheers and applause]

- THESE YOUNG MEN CALLTHEMSELVES THE PRANCING ELITES.

THEIR STAR IS RISING AS FEMALEIMPERSONATION DANCERS.

BUT INSTEAD OF APPLAUSEOR CHEERS,

GROUP MEMBERS SAY THEY HEARDLOTS OF JEERS.

- SOME OF THEM WERE SAYINGSTUFF LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

LIKE, WHAT'S THAT?"

- I WAS OUTRAGED AND APPALLED.

IF THEY WERE GONNA PUT THIS KIND

OF ACTIVITY IN THE PARADE, THEYSHOULD HAVE NOTIFIED THE PEOPLE

OF SEMMES SO THAT WE HADA CHOICE WHETHER WE WANTED

OUR CHILD TO ATTEND AND SEESOMETHING LIKE THAT.

- DANCE LIKE NO HOMOPHOBESARE WATCHING.

THAT FIERCE, FLAMING HOTFIVESOME IS THE PRANCING ELITES.

PRAN LEE.

AND EVEN MARTIN LUTHER KINGDIDN'T DARE TO DREAM

A GROUP OF BLACK CROSS-DRESSERSWOULD BE ALLOWED TO SHIMMY

THEIR WAY DOWN MAIN STREETIN ALABAMA.

GETTING KICKED OUT OF A PARADEFOR BEING TOO GAY

IS LIKE GETTING KICKED OUTOF A GAY ORGY FOR BEING TOO GAY.

DISCRIMINATION COMES IN LOTSOF DIFFERENT FORMS,

BUT NOT ALL OF THEM ARE BAD.

I PRACTICE AGE DISCRIMINATIONIN MY BEDROOM EVERY NIGHT,

AND I WON'T EAT COOKIESIF THEY HAVE RAISINS IN THEM.

PEOPLE ARE JUST AFRAID OF WHATTHEY DON'T KNOW.

AND BLACK GUYS.

AS LONG AS THERE'S TSA,YOUTUBE COMMENTS, OR THE STATE

OF ARIZONA, THERE WILL ALWAYS BEDISCRIMINATION.

BUT AT LEASTWE'RE MAKING PROGRESS.

JACKIE ROBINSONBROKE THE COLOR BARRIER,

JOHNNY WEIR WASTHE FIRST GAY ICE SKATER,

AND DANICA PATRICKWAS THE FIRST NASCAR DRIVER

IN HISTORY TO ASKFOR DIRECTIONS.

AS THE LATE, GREAT KEVIN BACONONCE SAID,

"THIS IS OUR TIME TO DANCE."

THAT'S WHY I FLEW THE ELITESTO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE THEY SHOULDPROBABLY JUST STAY,

FOR THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

- THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

WHY? EVERY TIME.[overlapping chatter]

- ELITES, WHY SO BLUE?- 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT US.

- HATED US, THEY DID.- YOU'RE UPSET BECAUSE A PARADE

IN MOBILE, ALABAMADIDN'T LIKE YOU?

BOO-HOO!THERE'S TONS OF GREAT STUFF

THEY DON'T LIKE--EDUCATION, COMMON SENSE,

SALADS, PRO SPORTS TEAMS,

REGULAR VISITS TO THE DENTIST,THE COLOR BROWN--

THE LIST GOESON FOREVER.

- WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DOWITH DANCING?

- RIGHT.- I QUIT.

- ALL RIGHT, I HAVE A LISTOF YOUR NAMES.

KENTRELL, JEREL, KAREEM,ADRIAN, AND TIM.

LET ME GUESS WHICH ONE IS TIM.

[laughter]- LET'S SEE.

- TIM.[laughter]

- YES.- ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE THE PRANCING ELITES?

- WE'RE A GROUPOF ALL-MALE DANCERS.

- YOU ARE ALL MALE.

all: YEAH.- YOU CAN TELL?

- I CAN TELL NOW.[laughter]

- WE BASICALLY DO THEMAJORETTING STYLE DANCE THAT,

YOU KNOW, THE FEMALES DO,BUT, YOU KNOW,

WE'RE JUST GUYS DOING IT.

- TELL ME WHAT HAPPENEDTHAT DAY.

- YOU KNOW, WE GOT OUTOF THE CAR,

YOU KNOW,WE HAD A LOT OF LOOKS,

AND, AS WE WERE MARCHINGDOWN THE STREET, OFFICER SAYS,

YOU KNOW, "NO MATTER WHATANYBODY SAYS, YOU KNOW,

JUST KEEP GOING."

- WERE THEY YELLINGHORRIBLE THINGS?

- YES, I HEARD!- WHAT'D YOU HEAR?

- I HEARD EVERYTHING BECAUSEI'M THE ONE IN THE BACK,

SO BY THE TIME EVERYBODY PASSES,I'M LIKE THE TAIL.

- RIGHT.- I HEARD EVER-Y-THING,

AND I WAS LIKE...

- YEAH, 'CAUSE SHE WAS LIKE,"OOH! OOH!"

- I WAS LIKE THIS, "OOH!"AND THEY KEPT LOOKING AT ME.

I WAS LIKE,"OH, OH, OH, OH, OH."

- YEAH.- THEY MADE IT SEEM

IN THE NEWS PIECE THAT YOU GUYSTRICKED THEM.

- IN THE BEGINNING SHE WASLIKE, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA EMAIL

YOU SOME WAIVERS TO HAVEYOUR LITTLE GIRL--

YOU MOVE.- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MY LEG HURT.

- ANYWAY, SHE WAS GONNA EMAILTHE WAIVER FORM.

- MM-HMM.- TO HAVE THE "LITTLE GIRLS'

PARENTS" FILL THEM OUT,AND I STOPPED HER THEN.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, YOU KNOW,WE'RE A GROUP OF GUYS,

WE DO WHAT THE GIRLS DO,BUT WE'RE ALL GUYS."

SHE WAS SO EXCITED.

- DID YOU FEEL THE NEWS DIDA FAIR JOB TELLING THE STORY?

- I FEEL THE NEWS DID.

BUT WHAT WE DIDN'T LIKEWAS THE TERM "DRAG QUEEN."

- SO NONE OF YOU WANTTO BE WOMEN.

all: WELL...- SHE DOES.

- MOST OF USDON'T WANT TO BE WOMEN.

- HE DO.- IS THIS THE FIRST TIME

YOU'VE EVER BEEN DISCRIMINATEDAGAINST IN ALABAMA?

- OH, NO.

- PUBLICALLY, LIKE, AS FARAS THE MEDIA'S CONCERNED.

- HAVE ANY OF YOU SLEPTTOGETHER?

- UH-OH.- WHICH THEY DO!

- WHY ARE THEY POINTING AT YOU?- I DON'T KNOW--

- THEY GO TOGETHER.- OH, THEY DO.

- A BOY AND A GIRL.- THEY GOT MARRIED, BUT THEY

DIVORCED NOW.- WE GOT DIVORCED

BECAUSE SHE CHEATED ON ME.- WHY DID YOU CHEAT?

- OLD FLAMES SPARKED UP.- DO YOU GUYS LOVE ALABAMA?

all: MM...

- YOU KNOW YOU CAN GOOTHER PLACES.

- WE KNOW THAT NOW.SERIOUSLY, WE KNOW THAT NOW.

- ROLL TIDE OR WAR EAGLE?most: ROLL TIDE.

- WAR EAGLE.

- NO. YEAH.

- THEIR COLOR'S ORANGE,AND I LIKE ORANGE.

- WHAT'S THE BEST GAY CLUBIN ALABAMA?

- THE FAVORITE ONE I'VE BEEN TOIS THE MANSION IN MONTGOMERY.

- NOW, THAT'S CUTE.- [laughs]

- IT'S NOT A GAY CLUB.- IT'S NOT A GAY CLUB, THOUGH.

- IT JUST HAS A GAY NIGHT.- TEACH ME HOW TO TUCK.

- OOH.- YOU WANT TO SEE?

- WELL, HELL, I'M NOT TUCKED.

- DOES IT GET PAINFULAFTER A WHILE?

- IT HURT RIGHT NOW.- YES.

- COULD YOU FLIPANY STRAIGHT MAN?

- YOU MUST NOT KNOWWHO YOU'RE TALKING TO.

- SO IS THAT A YES?- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- SIMONE.- WHAT'S MY NAME?

- KJ.- [laughs]

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS.

- YOU'RE GONNA LEARN.

- WHEN DO YOU THINK ALABAMA

WILL LEGALIZE GAY MARRIAGE?

- IN 3000.- [laughs]

- WE HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU,THOUGH.

- WHAT?- YES.

- YOU SAID YOU WANTEDTO BE A PRAN LEE.

- YES.- SO WE GOT YOU A PRAN LEE--

- A PRAN LEE SHIRT.

- [screaming]I LOVE IT!

[laughter and chatter]

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLDWHERE THE PRANCING ELITES

AREN'T WELCOME EVERYWHEREWITH OPEN ARMS.

all: NO!- TOO FAR?

- FEAR US NOT.- OKAY.

ARE WE THE PRANCINGAVERAGE PEOPLE?

all: NO.

- WHAT ARE WE?all: PRAN LEE!

- WHO?all: PRAN LEE!

- WHO?all: PRAN LEE!

- WHO?all: PRAN LEE!

- HEY.- all: PRAN LEE!

- ALL RIGHT, LADIES,LET'S GET OUT THERE

AND CHANGE THE WORLD!

- OH, YEAH!

- THERE IS NOWHERE MORE WELCOMETO FIVE ATHLETIC BLACK DUDES

THAN A BASKETBALL COURTIN THE 'HOOD.

WE GOT NEXT.

- AW, COME ON!- WHAT'S THIS [bleep]?

- THEY CALLED NEXTFAIR AND SQUARE.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO PLAYBASKETBALL.

BUNCH OF THUGSUP IN THESE PARTS.

- FIRST OF ALL,TORRANCE IS NICE.

IT'S A BEACH COMMUNITY.

- OKAY, IT'S HARDLYA BEACH COMMUNITY.

THERE'S ONE SLIVERTHAT TOUCHES THE OCEAN.

- IT'S A VERY NICE SLIVER.- OH, SAYS WHO, THE PERSON

WHO GREW UP IN GARDENA?

[dance music]

WHOO!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET OUTOF HERE, ELITES,

WE'RE GONNA BE LATETO MY FAMILY FUNCTION.

YOU GUYS NAILED IT.

THIS IS A SAD DAYFOR ALL OF US TOSHES.

NOW, THIS IS NOT WHAT GRANDMAWOULD'VE WANTED.

SHE WAS NOT VERY ACCEPTINGOF BLACK PEOPLE OR GAYS,

BUT I AM TRYING TO HELPTHAT OLD SOUL GET INTO HEAVEN.

[dance music]

I'M NOT GONNA LIE--THIS ISTHE FIRST ENJOYABLE WEEKEND

I'VE HAD WITH MEMA.- STOP IT.

- I HAVE TO GO, MOM.SORRY YOUR MOM'S DEAD.

I HAVE A CELEBRITY DINNERTO ATTEND.

- HAVE FUN.- THANK YOU.

- WHOO-HEE-HEE, LET'S EAT.

- FIRST, INSTEAD OF OURTRADITIONAL BLESSING, I THOUGHT

IT'D BE A REAL NICE TREAT IF WEHAD AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE.

- YEAH, WHAT YOU GOT GOIN' ONHERE, DANIEL?

- [makes duck call]

[dance music]

[cocking shotguns]

[techno music]

- YEE-HAW!

- OH, VERY GOOD.- THANK YOU, BOYS, FOR OPENING

OUR EYESWITH YOUR SHIMMERY BOOTIES.

- AFTER THAT,WE BROKE OUT THE MOLLY

AND TURNED THEIR HOUSEINTO A [bleep] DYNASTY.

- I AM DRUNKWITH MY OWN SELF-IMPORTANCE.

REALLY, TRULY.

THERE'S, LIKE,NOTHING I CAN'T DO.

IT'S AMAZING.

EVERY TIME I TURN A PAGE,

I WANT ALL YOU KIDS TO GO,"WHOOSH!"

- CELEBRITIES WRITE CHILDREN'SBOOKS WHEN THEY REALIZE

ADULTS HAVE STOPPEDGIVING A [bleep] ABOUT THEM.

AND SINCE NO ONEIS MORE QUALIFIED

TO CAPTURE A KID'S IMAGINATIONTHAN MY BARELY LITERATE FANS,

I FIGURED YOU'D BETHE PERFECT CO-AUTHORS

FOR MY FIRST KID'S BOOK,CALLED THE BALDING PELICAN,

IN THE LONG-AWAITED RETURNOF TWITTEN BY.

♪ BUTTERFLY IN THE SKY

♪ I CAN GO TWICE AS HIGH

♪ TAKE A LOOK

♪ IT'S IN A BOOK

♪ IT'S READING RAINBOW

WHO'S READY FOR STORY TIME?

[children murmuring]IT'S WRITTEN BY ME,

AND ALL OF MY FOLLOWERSON TWITTER.

DO YOU GUYS FOLLOW MEON TWITTER?

- I DO.- YOU DO?

- I DO.- OH, YOU FOLLOW ME?

GOOD.YOU GUYS, IT'S NOT JUST PLUGS.

I'M PUTTING A LOTOF GOOD ZINGERS OUT THERE.

[laughter]

- WHY DO YOU HAVESUCH BIG EARS?

- I DON'T HAVE BIG EARS,SO I DON'T--

- YES, YOU DO.- NO, I DO NOT.

THESE--THEY'RE ACTUALLYSMALL FOR MY HEAD, THANK YOU.

[overlapping chatter]THEY'RE NOT BIG.

THEY STICK OUT A LITTLE BIT,BUT THEY'RE NOT BIG.

THEY'RE NOTLIKE ELEPHANTS AT ALL.

LOSING CONTROL!THEY'RE NOT BIG!

DO YOU LIKE FISH?- YEAH, I LIKE SHRIMP.

- OH!LET'S GET BACK TO THE BOOK.

OH, HE LOVES THE SAUSAGES.

- ME TOO.- OH.

[laughter]

- WHY DID HE POOPON A RANDOM LADY'S HEAD?

- I THINK THAT'S SYMBOLISM.

[laughter]

[laughter]

- EW!

- OOH![laughter]

[laughter]- all: EW!

[children all talking]- UNDERWEAR!

- THAT'S NOT UNDERWEAR!THAT'S CRAB MEAT!

[children chattering]YOU PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN!

[laughter]

[laughter]- all: NO.

- NO, I DON'T THINK SO EITHER.

- WHAT THE...

- UM...- [speaks indistinctly]

- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL FORTODAY, NOW IT'S NAP TIME.

- NAP TIME?- NO!

- I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO.- I'M NOT TIRED.

- NO.- I'M NOT TIRED.

- I'M NOT TIRED.[laughter]

- PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME.YOU ARE--

YOU ARE ALL RIDDLEDWITH DISEASES!

HOPE YOU DVR'D THAT,BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN

ARE GONNA WANT TOWATCH IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

WHY NOTJUST BUY 'EM THE BOOK?

THERE'S ONLY ONE COPY.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

FINALLY, WE DON'T USUALLYDO ANYTHING SINCERE,

BUT TONIGHTTHERE'S SOMEONE IN OUR AUDIENCE

I WANNA INTRODUCE.THIS IS BECCA.

HER AND HER HUSBANDARE BOTH BIG FANS OF THE SHOW.

HE'S NOT HERE, BECAUSE HE'SSERVING OUR COUNTRY OVERSEAS.

YEAH, THAT'S NICE.

[cheers and applause]WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?

WORK FOR TIME WARNER?

WELL, BECCA, WE'VE GOT A VERYSPECIAL SURPRISE FOR YOU.

- OH, MY GOD!- all: OH!

[cheers and applause]

- [snickers]

YOU ARE A STUPIDPILE OF [bleep]!

I'M A COMEDIAN!MY NAME'S TODD GLASS!

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOKON YOUR DUMB FACE!

"OH, MY HUSBAND'S HERE."

HE'S NOT [bleep] HERE,YOU MORON!

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

ALL YOU [bleep] IDIOTSARE ON MY AWFUL PRANK SHOW.

THIS SHOW DOESN'T AIRTILL APRIL FOOL'S DAY.

DON'T YOU DUMB MOTHER[bleep]KNOW HOW TELEVISION WORKS?

SHE'S AN ACTRESS.HER HUSBAND ISN'T A SOLDIER.

SHE'S A LESBIANFROM STUDIO CITY!

- I'M NOT EVEN WEARINGA WEDDING RING,

YOU DUMB [bleep]!

- SHE'S NOT EVENA GOOD ACTRESS.

HER EMOTIONS WERE FORCEDAND INAUTHENTIC.

DO YOU THINK I WOULD DO THATTO A SOLDIER'S WIFE?

I EVEN HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT!I'M AN AUTHOR!

- ♪ IT'S TODD GLASS'AWFUL PRANK SHOW ♪

I AM DRUNK WITH MY

OWN SELF IMPORTANCE

REALLY TRULY ITS LIKE

THERE IS NOTHING I CAN'T DO

IT'S AMAZING

EVERY TIME I TURN A PAGE

I WANT ALL YOU KIDS

TO GO WHOOSH

CELEBRITIES WRITE CHILDREN'SBOOKS

WHEN THEY REALIZE ADULTS HAVE

STOPPED GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THEM

AND SINCE NO ONE IS MORE

QUALIFIED TO CAPTURE A KIDSIMAGINATION

THAN MY BARELY LITERATE FANS

I FIGURED YOU'D BE THE PERFECT

CO-AUTHORS FOR MY FIRST KIDSBOOK

CALLED THE BALDING PELICAN

IN THE LONG AWAITED RETURN

OF TWITTEN BY

BUTTERFLY IN THE SKY

I CAN GO TWICE AS HIGH

TAKE A LOOK ITS IN A BOOK

ITS READING RAINBOW

HI GUYS

HI

WHO IS READY FOR STORY TIME?

ME

IT'S WRITTEN BY ME

AND ALL OF MY FOLLOWERS ONTWITTER

DO YOU GUYS FOLLOW ME ONTWITTER?

I DO

YOU DO?

I DO

OH YOU FOLLOW ME

GOOD YOU GUYS ITS NOT JUST

PLUGS I'M PUTTING A LOT OF

GOOD ZINGERS OUT THERE

THIS IS CALLED THE BALDINGPELICAN

(LAUGHS)

WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH BIG EARS?

I DON'T HAVE BIG EARS SO I DON'T

YES YOU DO

NOT I DO NOT

YES

THEY ARE ACTUALLY SMALL FOR MY HEAD THANK YOU

(KIDS ALL TALKING)

THEY ARE NOT BIG THEY STICK

OUT A LITTLE BIT

BUT THEY ARE NOT BIG

THEY ARE LIKE AN ELEPHANTS

THEY ARE NOT LIKE AN ELEPHANTSAT ALL

LOSING CONTROL THEY ARE NOT BIG

LOSING CONTROL THEY ARE NOT BIG

DO YOU LIKE FISH?

YEAH I LIKE SHRIMP

"AHH, CRAB LEGS?"

YES YES YES

MMMM I LOVE CRAB LEGS

OK

OK ALRIGHT LETS GET BACK TO THEBOOK

OH HE LOVES THE SAUSAGES

ME TOO

OHH

(LAUGHS)

WHY DID UM HE POOP

ON A RANDOM LADY'S HEAD?

I THINK THAT IS SYMBOLISM

(LAUGHS) EW

(LAUGHS) EW

(LAUGHS) EW

AND WHY IS HE BALD?

PROBABLY MAINLY STRESS AND GENES

OOOHHHHH

(LAUGHS)

OHH

EWWW (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

UNDERWEAR

THAT'S NOT UNDERWEAR

THAT IS CRAB MEAT

(LAUGHS)

YOU PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN

(LAUGHS)

NO

NO I DON'T THINK SO EITHER

NO I DON'T THINK SO EITHER

WHAT DA?

UM

WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK?

BOO

IT WASN'T GOOD?

BOO NO

ALRIGHT THAT IS ALL FOR TODAY

ITS TIME FOR NAP TIME

NO NO

I'M NOT TIRED

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO (KIDS ALL LAUGHING)

I'M NOT TIRED

NO

I'M NOT TIRED

PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME

YOU ARE ALL RIDDLED

WITH DISEASES

HOPE YOU DVR'd THAT BECAUSE

YOU CHILDREN ARE GOING

TO WANT TO WATCH IT A THOUSANDTIMES

WHY NOT JUST BUY THEM THE BOOK?

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