January 20, 2010 - Crystal Light Dancers

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 01/20/2010

The Crystal Light Dancers attend Tosh.0's first Web Reunion, Daniel chats with the Wii Fit Girl, and Foot Fetish Guy gets stepped on by women.

AND I DON'T CONDONE YOUGOING OUT AND HURTING ANYONE.

UNLESS YOU WANNA BE NAMEDOUR DICK OF THE WEEK.

- AGH!

[audience ohs]

- HE'S STILL ALIVE.[laughing]

OH, I LOVE TAXICAB CONFESSIONS.

[crunching noise]

[louder crunching noise]

YOU WANNA GO AHEADAND SHUT THE METER OFF?

THAT WAS THE GREATESTEPISODE OF CASH CAB EVER.

LET'S GRAB THE JAWS OF LIFEAND RIP THIS VIDEO OPEN

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

YOUR FIRST SIGN, RANDY HEREIS A WHITE CAB DRIVER.

NOT GOOD.

I PREFER MY CAB DRIVERSTO BE FROM

ONE OF THE TERRORIST COUNTRIES.

THOSE GUYS DON'T NEED SLEEP.

THEY'RE ALL HOPPED UPON HATE AND POPPY SEEDS.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'SGETTING SLEEPY

OR COMFORTABLE WITHTHEIR IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND.

AND I'M SURE INHALINGAN ENTIRE RASCAL FLATTS

UNSTOPPABLE BREAKFAST AT DENNY'SBEFORE YOUR SHIFT DIDN'T HELP.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINKA 5-HOUR ENERGY AND DO SOME METH

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE INYOUR STATE?

MY GUESS IS KANSAS.

OH, IT'S RARETO SEE THE EXACT MOMENT

THAT SOMEONE'S LIFEFLASHES BEFORE THEIR EYES.

HE REMEMBERS HIS FIRST KISS

WITH HIS COUSIN,

THAT TIMEHE SHOT A BALD EAGLE,

AND HOW AWESOMEBILL ENGVALL IS.

[crunching noise]

AND BOOM!GOES THE DYNAMITE.

AT LEAST HIS HEAD'S OUTSIDESO HE CAN YELL FOR HELP.

HE SHOULD'VE LOOKED DOWNAT HIS DALE EARNHARDT T-SHIRT

AND REMEMBEREDWHY HE STARTED DRIVING A CAB

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

CRASHING YOUR CAR WHILEWEARING A EARNHARDT SHIRT

IS LIKE RAINON YOUR WEDDING DAY,

IT'S LIKE GOOD ADVICETHAT YOU JUST DIDN'T TAKE,

IT'S LIKE 10,000 SPOONSWHEN ALL YOU NEED IS A KNIFE.

WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT?IT FIGURES.

AT LEAST HE GOT TO SIT IN EVERYSEAT IN LESS THAN EIGHT SECONDS.

THAT'S NO SMALL FEAT.

AND NOW HE KNOWSHOW UNCOMFORTABLE IT IS

IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAB.

MOVE YOUR SEAT UP, RANDY.

I'M JUST GLAD HE INSTALLEDA DASHBOARD CAMERA

INSTEAD OF AN AIRBAGSO WE CAN ALL ENJOY THIS WRECK.

AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL MISS YOU, THREE.

THIS IS WHERE WE SHOWYOU A VIDEO, PAUSE IT,

AND YOU HAVE TO GUESSWHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

IT IS NOT EASY.

- FIRST THING I'M GONNA DO,

IS HOLD--PULL OUT MY SWORDLIKE THIS...

- I CAN TELL YOUWHAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

A WOMAN'S GONNA WALK OUT.

YOU GOT A CHUBBY KIDIN A SWEAT SUIT

HOLDING A CHILD-PROOFWOODEN SWORD.

THIS IS A DEFINITE NERD ALERT.

CAN YOU GUESSWHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

- STANCE...

HA!

- SHA-POW!

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSEDTHAT THAT SAMURAI

HAD A SWEET, SWEET MULLET?

OH, MY!

MOVE OVER, STEVEN SEAGAL,

THERE IS A NEW BLOATED SHERIFFWITH A BAD HAIRDO IN TOWN.

HE MUST BE THE WORLD'SSTEALTHIEST NINJA.

WHO COULD KEEP A HORSETAILLIKE THAT HIDDEN FOR SO LONG?

AND THAT'S HOW WE PLAYGUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE INFOR A REAL TREAT.

ENJOY THIS NEXT VIDEO,PERVERTS.

HIS FACE MUST BE GELLIN'.

IS IT WORSE IFTHE GIRLS ARE UNDERAGED?

I'M JUST SAYING, BECAUSE IWOULD ASSUME THEY'D BE LIGHTER.

YOU DON'T WANT A 40-YEAR-OLDWOMAN STEPPING ON YOUR FACE.

THOSE FEET HAVE SEENSOME HARD TIMES.

IT LOOKED PRETTY EROTICSO I WANTED TO GIVE IT A TRY.

BUT IT'S VERY PAINFUL,AND NOT MY THING.

FACE UP, FETISH.FACE DOWN, HATE CRIME.

THANKS, EDWARD.

FIRST THINGS FIRST.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE GAY.

- WELL...

DING, DING, DING, DING, DING.

- YES?- YES.

- THREE FOR THREE.

- DO THEY STILLHAVE THAT COMPETITION?

- OH, YEAH.

- AND DO YOU GUYSGO BACK EVERY YEAR?

- NO.- REALLY?

- 23 YEARS.- YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BACK?

IS THISTHE FIRST TIME YOU GUYS

HAVE ALL BEENBACK TOGETHER SINCE?

- YEAH.- REALLY?

THIS IS WHAT OPRAHMUST FEEL LIKE.

IT'S REALLY A GOOD FEELING.

[laughing]

DO PEOPLE RECOGNIZE YOUFROM THIS?

- I DIDN'T OWN UP TO ITUNTIL IT GOT OUT.

I HAD TO.

- I MEAN, I ASSUMEIT WAS ALL POSITIVE.

- THEY LOVE IT.

I THINK IT WAS THE HAIRAND THE MUSTACHE.

- EVERYONE LOVES THE MUSTACHE.- YEAH.

- DOES YOUR SPORTHAVE A STEROID PROBLEM?

- SEE, IT WASN'T STEROIDS,IT WAS PADDING OF THE CROTCH.

- HOLD ON.[laughing]

- PEOPLE WEREPADDING THEIR CROTCHES?

- NOT EVERYBODY.- NOT EVERYBODY.

- THAT IS SOMETHINGTHAT I'VE ALWAYS

ACCUSED A LOT OF PEOPLE OF.

[laughing]

DO YOU THINK THIS REUNIONCOULD REVIVE YOUR SPORT?

- ONLY IF YOU JOIN US.

- I HAVE BEEN WAITINGFOR THIS OPPORTUNITY

MY ENTIRE LIFE.

- COME ON,LET'S GET TO WORK.

- [gasps]OH, YES.

- OKAY, GUYS, WE GOT--DANIEL'S OUR NEW MEMBER.

WE GOT TO GET HIM INTO SHAPE,WE GOTTA TEACH HIM SOME MOVES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?DO YOU THINK HE'S UP FOR IT?

- OH, I'M READY.- HERE WE GO.

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.

- WHOO.

- SLAP.

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN,EIGHT, ONE.

- MUSCLE.- UNDER.

- MAN, THERE'S SO MUCH.

- LEFT...RIGHT...

- IT'S NOT EASY.

- FIVE, SIX.

GIVE ME A SALUTE.all: WHOO, WHOO.

- THERE YOU GO.YEAH, YEAH!

- GOT IT.- TWO, THREE, FOUR.

- RIGHT...LEFT.

SEVEN, EIGHT.all: WHOO.

- OKAY, WHAT IS NEXT?

- WE'RE GONNA DOOUR SIGNATURE PUSH-UP.

- I ACTUALLY CAME UPWITH A FEW IDEAS--

MAYBE WAYS TO UPDATE THESIGNATURE PUSH-UP A LITTLE BIT.

- DANIEL,IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH

WHAT WE'RE DOING IN THE GROUPTHEN THERE'S THE DOOR.

- OKAY, MAYBE I WILL USE IT.- SEE YOU LATER.

- I'M OUT--- SEE YOU LATER.

- LET'S WORK ON THE PUSH-UPTHE WAY IT'S DONE.

- THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.YES, I AM TV LEGEND ALAN THICKE.

AND IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HOSTINGTHE AEROBICS DANCE COMPETITION.

I REMAIN INPEAK PHYSICAL CONDITION.

TAKE A PEEK IF YOU LIKE.

- THE JABBAWOCKEEZ DANCE CREW,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I GET IT.

A DANCE CREW IS NO GREATERTHAN IT'S INDIVIDUAL MEMBERS.

AND THE BAD BOYSWERE ONLY BEING HARD ON ME

BECAUSE THEY NEED MEAS MUCH AS I NEED THEM.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

REUNITING FOR THEFIRST TIME IN 23 YEARS,

THE BAD BOYSFROM SAN FRANCISCO!

['80s synthesizer music]

- YOU'RE RIGHT.THANKS, JABBAWOCKEEZ.

THERE'S NO "I" IN DANCE CREW.

- DID SOMEBODY SAY CRU?

- CRU JONES? I MEAN, BILL ALLEN,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- THEY'RE NOT GONNALET ME STAR IN RAD TWO.

- OH, I SAY WE GO TO HELLTRACKAND BURNHAT MOTHER DOWN.

BUT ON THE WAY,CAN WE STOP BY THE STUDIO?

THE JABBAWOCKEEZ WANT METO DANCE WITH SOME GAY DUDES.

- SOUNDS REASONABLE.HOP ON.

- THANKS, CRU.

- I'M HERE, GUYS.

I'M STRAIGHT.I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THAT ENOUGH.

[cheers and applause]

- I DON'T NEED TO SEE ANY MORE.

THE BAD BOYS WIN!

HERE'S MY VOTEFOR THE COVER MODEL.

SHE IS CONSIDEREDTHE WORLD'S TALLEST MODEL.

[audience ohs]

HER PROFILE READS;

6'8", 245 POUNDS,LOVES SUSHI,

HATES HAVING A BONER.

[laughing]

LET'S SEEHOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS

WE CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.

POUND FOR POUND, SHE'STHE UGLIEST MODEL IN THE WORLD.

SHE'S SO TALL,YOU HAVE TO GO UP ON HER.

IN HER OFF TIME, SHE LIKESTO STOMP ON BUILDINGS IN JAPAN.

A HANDY FROM THAT CHICK

WILL MAKE YOUR JUNKLOOK LIKE A TOOTHPICK.

IS IT JUST ME,OR DOES DIRK NOWITZKI

LOOK WONDERFULIN A BATHING SUIT?

[audience ohs]

DEADLY TURNAROUND, TOO.

I FEEL LIKEI OVERLOOKED SOMETHING,

CAN I GET 20 MORE SECONDSON THE CLOCK?

THANK YOU.

THE WORST PARTABOUT BEING THAT TALL

IS THAT IT MAKESHER [bleep] LOOK SMALL.

A SEVEN-FOOT-TALL MODELIS LIKE A UNICORN.

IT'S UNIQUE, MAGICAL,AND PROBABLY HAS A [bleep].

LIKE MOST MODELS, I ASSUMETHEY PHOTOSHOP HER [bleep] OUT.

IF YOU HAD SEX WITH HER,YOU'D BE GAY.

BECAUSE THAT DUDEHAS A [bleep].

[low beeping noise]

ALL RIGHT, NOW I FEEL BETTER.

[video game music]

- THAT IS SO MUCHMORE IMPRESSIVE

THAN ACTUALLY HULA HOOPING.

THAT WAS THE WII FIT GIRL.

THE VIDEO IS FROM 2007,

WHICH IN INTERNET TIMEIS, LIKE, 50 YEARS.

SO LET'S CHECK INAND SEE HOW SHE'S HOLDING UP.

PLEASE HELP ME WELCOMETHE WII FIT GIRL, LAUREN.

[applause]

HOW ARE YOU, LAUREN?

- IT'S NICETO MEET YOU, DANIEL.

- SHOW ME YOUR BUTT.

- NO, I DON'T ALWAYS PLAYVIDEO GAMES IN MY UNDERWEAR.

IT JUST HAPPENEDTO BE A SPONTANEOUS MORNING,

I DECIDED TO WORK OUT

'CAUSE WE HADJUST GOTTEN THE PRODUCT

SO I WANTED TO TRY IT OUTTHAT MORNING.

AND I GUESS I WAS THAT EAGER

THAT I DECIDED TO DO ITIN MY KNICKERS.

[giggles]

- SHOW ME YOUR BUTT.

- THE VIDEO HADNINE MILLION HITS.

- SHOW ME YOUR BUTT.

SHOW ME YOUR BUTT.

- UM, WE'VE HAD ITHAPPEN TWO TIMES,

AND I WAS SHOCKEDAND I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT,

BECAUSE I'M REALLY FROM BEHINDSO YOU REALLY DON'T SEE ME.

SO A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REALLYRECOGNIZE ME FROM THE FRONT,

PLUS I DON'T WEARMY GLASSES ALL THE TIME.

- SHOW ME YOUR BUTT.

- OKAY, DANIEL, HERE IT IS.

[giggles]

- OH, THANK YOU, WII FIT GIRL,YOU STILL LOOK TRIM.

IS THAT A COMPLIMENT TO WOMEN?I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

YOUR ASS LOOKS TRIM.

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