April 22, 2014 - Roof Jump

  • 04/22/2014

Chicago's "Billy Cub" brawls with a prankster, a young woman breaks her feet by jumping off of a roof, and Daniel invents some new Internet trends.

NOW, BROADWAY JUST ISN'TWHAT IT USED TO BE.

- OW!

- AND SCENE.

THIS IS NOT THE TIMEFOR YOUR FISH IMPRESSION.

MORAL OF THE STORY, KIDS:

NEVER SIGN UP TO BE IN A PLAY.

TURNS OUT THAT FOURTH WALLIS HEAVY AS [bleep].

AH, CRITICS ARE GONNA HAVEA FIELD DAY WITH THIS.

AT LEAST THE PLAY IS OVER.

I'M WORRIED THAT THEATERMIGHT BE HAUNTED.

- OH, [bleep].

- OW!

- THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

[gentle orchestral music]

[singing out of tune]♪ TOUCH ME

♪ TRUST ME

♪ SAVOR EACH SENSATION

♪ LET THE DREAM BEGIN

♪ LET YOUR DARKER SIDEGIVE IN ♪

♪ TO THE POWER

♪ OF THE MUSIC

♪ THAT I WRITE

♪ THE POWER

♪ OF THE MUSIC

♪ OF THE NIGHT

AND PEOPLE CALL THIS SHOWLOWBROW.

AND NOW THE WORLD'SMOST PATRIOTIC COCK BLOCK.

- SHE'S SUCKING YOUR [bleep].

- NO, NOT GOOD!

- NO, NOT AS [bleep] AS JACK.

- FIRE IN THE HOLE!

- SO FREAKIN' SUCK IT!

- AMERICA, MAN, MOTHER[bleep].

- OH!

[laughter]

- IT IS NOT SPRING BREAK

UNTIL SOMEONEHAS THIRD-DEGREE BURNS

ON THEIR TAINT.

LATER, THESE GUYSSAW A VAN A-ROCKING

AND CUT THE BRAKE LINES ON IT.

IT ROLLED INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC,

KILLING BOTH PASSENGERSINSTANTLY.

HORRIBLE STORY.

- OH!

- AH, BANGING A GIRLYOU JUST MET ON THE RIVERBANK

IS VERY ROMANTIC,

BUT FORGET THE AMBIANCE.

YOU NEED TO FALL BACK,

TAKE COVER IN THE TREE LINE,

OR STAND YOUR GROUND.

- AMERICA, MAN, MOTHER[bleep].

- OH!

[laughter]

- HEY!

TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME!

- [grunts]

- [groans]

- [gasps]

- YOU GIVE ME 15 TO 20 MINUTES,

I'LL HIT 'EM WITH A SECOND COAT.

THEN I'M GONNA NEEDAT LEAST AN HOUR

FOR A VERY UNDERWHELMINGFINISHING GLAZE.

ALL RIGHT,

NOW, I SURE WOULDN'T MINDIF SOMETHING WERE NEXT.

[indistinct chatter]

NOT COOL.

TAKING HIS MASK OFF MEANS

HE HAS TO ACTUALLY WATCHTHE CUBS PLAY.

NOW LET'S SEE WHY IT'S ALWAYSDANGEROUS TO SHAKE THAT BEAR

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

WELCOME TO WRIGLEYVILLE,

HOME OF YOUR 1908WORLD CHAMPION CHICAGO CUBS.

THAT'S BILLY CUB,THE UNOFFICIAL MASCOT.

HE DOESN'T GET PAIDTO LOOK STUPID,

BUT THE HOURS ARE GREAT,

AND THE RISK OF HEATSTROKEIS VERY HIGH.

THE CUB'S OFFICIAL MASCOTIS JUST A FAT GUY CRYING.

BETWEEN THEIR BASEBALL TEAMAND THEIR GROSS PIZZA,

I'M STARTING TO THINKPEOPLE IN "SHEE-CAGO"

JUST LOVE THINGS THAT SUCK.

HMM, NOT SUREWHO I WAS EXPECTING,

BUT IT DEFINITELY WASN'TA COOK FROM CHILI'S.

[audience gasps]

I HAVEN'T SEEN A BEARTHIS AGGRESSIVE

SINCE THE LAST TIMEI USED GRINDR.

I DON'T KNOWWHO'S RUNNING THAT APP,

BUT IT'S A GODDAMN SAUSAGE FEST.

HE BARELY TOUCHED HIM.

DO YOU GET IT?

BEAR...OH, PUNS.

DUDE GOT OFF EASY.

THE PHILLIE PHANATICONCE CURB-STOMPED A BABY.

OH, THAT'S A LOW BLOW.

YOU CAN'T SUCKER PUNCHBILLY CUB.

HE'S AN ICON.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIG UPHARRY CARAY

AND B.M.ALL OVER HIS CORPSE?

HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE CUBSAND THE BULLS HAVE IN COMMON?

DERRICK ROSE DOESN'T PLAYFOR EITHER ONE.

AH, AT LEAST HE'LL BE TREATED

TO SOME OF THAT FAMOUSMIDWESTERN HOSPITALITY

IN THE PARKING LOT.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

- IT'S NOT THAT FAR.

[hip-hop music playing]

JUST GO.

YOU BETTER JUMP, NIKKI.

- [screams]

- WHY DIDN'T YOU JUMP?

- AT LEAST SHE DIDN'TGET HER HAIR WET.

RIGHT, GIRLS?

THAT SEXY DAREDEVIL WITH A LIMPIS NICOLE,

AND WHEN SHE GOTPEER-PRESSURED

INTO JUMPING OFF A ROOF,

SHE ENDED UP SHATTERINGHER FEET.

I WISH SHE'D HAVEBROKEN THE KNOT

ON THE BACK OF HER BIKINI.

RIGHT, FELLAS?

THE MOST PAINFUL PARTOF HER VIDEO

IS THAT HER MOM PUT IT ONLINE

IN HOPES THAT YOU,THE PEOPLE

THAT ENJOY WATCHINGTHESE CLIPS,

WOULD ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY

AND PAY FORHER MEDICAL BILLS.

UH, MOM!

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING MEIN FRONT OF THE INTERNET.

SOCIETY RUNS ON PEER PRESSURE.

WITHOUT IT, SNL WOULD NEVER HIREBLACK PEOPLE,

GUYS WOULD NEVERHAVE THREESOMES,

AND SCIENTOLOGISTS COULDN'T KEEPTHEIR PEWS FULL--

OR WHATEVER THEY SIT ON.

PARENTS ALWAYS WORRY THEIR KIDSWILL BE PRESSURED

INTO DOING DRUGS, HAVING SEX,AND CUTTING CLASS.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE WORRIEDYOUR KIDS WILL BE COOL?

"IF ALL YOUR FRIENDS JUMPED OFFA BRIDGE, WOULD YOU?"

IF THEY SURVIVEDAND SAID IT WAS FUN,

THEN PROBABLY YES.

BEATS BEING THE WEIRDOHANGING OUT ALONE ON A BRIDGE.

IT'S VERY HARD TO PEER-PRESSUREME INTO DOING ANYTHING,

BECAUSE I CONSIDER NONE OF YOUMY PEERS.

THE INTERNET HAS USHERED INA GOLDEN AGE OF PEER PRESSURE.

NOW MILLIONS OF PEOPLEACROSS THE GLOBE

WANT TO SEE YOU SHOVE50 GHOST PEPPERS UP YOUR ASS.

BEING SHAMEDINTO DANGEROUS STUNTS

IS THE KEY INGREDIENTIN THE TOSH.0 SECRET RECIPE.

SO WHEN NICOLE FELL TO EARTHLIKE A SLUTTY ANGEL,

I KNEW I HAD TO FLY HERTO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE GIRLS HAVE TO IMPRESSEVERYONE

OR WE SEND THEM BACK HOME,IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

WELCOME.

AS EVERYONE KNOWS,

THE INTERNET HAS BEENVERY GOOD TO ME,

WHICH IS WHY I CREATEDTHIS NONPROFIT HOSPITAL

TO GIVE BACK TO THOSEWHO HAVE INJURED THEMSELVES

CREATING COMEDY GOLD FOR ME.

- RIGHT.- THANK YOU, DANIEL.

- YOU GUYS ARE WELCOME.

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER WITH USTODAY.

- HI.MY NAME IS NICOLE.

all: HI, NICOLE.

YOUR FAILS DO NOT DEFINE YOU.

- GOOD TO KNOW.

I'M 20 YEARS OLD.

I JUMPED OFFTHE ROOF OF MY HOUSE

TRYING TO IMPRESSMY BOYFRIEND.

- I'M CURT, AND I DID

THE 14 POUNDS OF RAW BACONCHALLENGE.

- THAT'S NOT A REAL CHALLENGE.

- SHARKEISHA, NO!

- SHARKEISHA'S RIGHT.[sighs]

- MY NAME IS AL.

I HYPEREXTENDEDMY ANUS MUSCLE

WHILE PERFORMING THE GOATSE.

[slow clapping]

- NONE OF YOU?HMM.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL THE TIMEFOR TODAY.

EVERYONE PLEASE RETURNTO THEIR QUARTERS.

NICOLE, I NEED TO DOA FULL PSYCH EVALUATION ON YOU

AND UP YOUR MEDS.

WHY DID YOU JUMP OFF THE ROOF?

- 'CAUSE THEY TOLD ME TO.

- I WAS TOLD THAT YOU JUMPEDOFF THE ROOF

BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYINGTO IMPRESS YOUR BOYFRIEND.

IS THAT TRUE?

- HE COULD DIVE HEADFIRSTOFF THE ROOF.

SO I WAS LIKE,"HECK, I COULD DO IT."

SO I GOT UP ONTO THE WALL,AND I GOT SCARED.

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T WANTTO DO IT NO MORE."

THEY'RE LIKE, "JUST DO IT.JUST DO IT."

AND YOU HEAR 'EM IN THE VIDEOTELLING ME TO JUMP.

- JUST GO.

YOU BETTER JUMP, NIKKI.

- OH, HE WAS THERE.

- NO, HE WAS AT WORK.

SO THAT'S HOW COMEWE VIDEOTAPED IT,

SO HE COULD SEE ITWHEN HE GOT OFF WORK.

- HAVE YOU EVER FILMED YOURSELFON VIDEO

DOING ANYTHING ELSETHAT HE MIGHT ENJOY?

- NO.

- OH.- [laughs]

- HOW DID YOU GET ONTOTHE ROOF?

- I GOT PULLED UP ACTUALLY.

- BY A MAN?- NO, BY HER.

- OH, WHAT KIND OF FRIENDDO YOU HANG OUT WITH?

- SHE'S NOT MY FRIEND.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME.- REALLY?

- THIS GIRL JUST WAS HORRIBLE.

SHE WAS MEAN, AND SHE STOLEMY CLOTHES AFTER--

AND PILLS.

- WHAT KIND OF PILLS?

- THEY WERE PERCOCETS.- [laughs]

HOW CONFIDENT WERE YOUTHAT YOU WERE GONNA MAKE IT

INTO THE WATER?

- WELL, BEFOREI GOT ONTO THE ROOF,

I WAS REALLY CONFIDENT.

- WHAT ABOUT IN THE AIR?

- IN THE AIR, I KNEWI WASN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

- FIRST OF ALL,WHY DID YOU HESITATE?

- 'CAUSE I WAS SCARED.I WAS SCARED OF HEIGHTS.

- WHAT HAPPENEDWHEN YOU HIT THE PAVEMENT?

- I HEARD A LOUD CRUSH.

AND I FELT LIGHTNING BOLTSGO UP MY LEGS.

[screams]

- WHY DIDN'T YOU JUMP?

- DID YOU CHANGE CLOTHESBEFORE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL?

- NO.

- SO YOU SHOWED UPAT THE HOSPITAL IN A BIKINI?

- I DID, AND THENTHEY BROUGHT ME A SHIRT.

- WHAT ACTUALLY BROKE?- MY HEELS.

- THEY DON'T ACTUALLYDO ANYTHING FOR IT, DO THEY?

- THEY WERE GONNA DO SURGERY

AND PUSH THEM BACK TOGETHER,

BUT I DIDN'T HAVEMEDICAL INSURANCE,

SO THEY DIDN'T DO IT.

- DID YOU HEAL THE RIGHT WAY?

- NO.

- WE ASKED YOU--YOUR MOTHER

HOW MUCH EVERYTHING COST,

AND SHE SAID $30,000.

BUT IN THE VIDEO,YOU GUYS ONLY WANTED $4,200.

- SHE WANTED US TO BE ABLETO AFFORD OUR HOUSE.

MEDICAL BILLS WILL GO ONFOREVER.

- BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY--

DO YOU HAVE MEDICAL BILLSFROM IT?

- OH, YEAH.

- OH, I THOUGHTYOU JUST DECLINED

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVETHE INSURANCE.

- OH, WELL, YEAH.

THEY DECLINED MEON THE SURGERY

FOR, LIKE, THREE MONTHS,

AND BY THE TIME I WAS ABLETO GET THE SURGERY,

MY FEETWERE PRETTY MUCH HEALED,

AND HE DIDN'T WANTTO REBREAK THEM.

- ARE YOU NOT THE SAME?

- UH, I LIMP.

I WALK KIND OF FUNNY,

AND I CAN'T WEAR HIGH HEELSANYMORE.

- HOW DO YOU DRESS SLUTTY?

- I CAN'T!

- OH, THAT'S AWFUL.

- ISN'T IT?

- SHOULD THE INTERNETHAVE TO PAY

EVERY TIME YOU DOSOMETHING STUPID?

- I WOULD LOVE FOR THEMTO DO IT, BUT NO.

[laughter]

- BUT THEN HEIGHTS--WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SCARED OF?

- CARS.- YOU'RE SCARED OF CARS?

- WELL, YEAH,'CAUSE WHAT IF THEY BREAK DOWN

OR BLOW UP WHEN YOU'RE IN 'EM?

- SURE.

DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER TRY ITAGAIN?

- YEAH, PROBABLY.

- WHY DID YOU GET YOUR TONGUEPIERCED?

- BECAUSE MY DAD TOLD MENOT TO.

- HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?- NO.

- SKYDIVED?

- NO.I WOULD.

- YOU'RE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS,

BUT YOU WOULD SKYDIVE?

- YOU'VE GOT TO DO EVERYTHINGAT LEAST ONCE.

- WHAT ABOUTDOUBLE PENETRATION ANAL?

- NO.

- OKAY, THEN.

NO TO DOUBLE PENETRATION ANAL.

OKAY,ENOUGH OF THE CHITCHAT

ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.

IT'S TIME FOR SOMEPHYSICAL THERAPY.

HOW ARE WE DOING TODAY?

- I'M DOING GREAT.

I'M AVERAGING A 4-MINUTE MILE.

I'M DEFINITELY READYTO GO HOME.

- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

WE CAN DISCUSS THATWHEN YOU'RE UP

FOR EVALUATIONIN SIX MONTHS.

OKAY, BUT NOW IT'S TIMEFOR YOUR PILLS.

KEEP IT UP.

[beep]

- [chuckles]

NO ONE EVER LEAVES HERE.

[in slo-mo] I'VE BEEN HEREFOR 2,345 FRIDAYS.

♪ FRIDAY, FRIDAY

♪ GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY

- OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE REBECCA BLACK.

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

[alarm ringing]

- WHERE DO YOU THINKYOU'RE GOING?

- I'M NOT SPENDINGANOTHER MINUTE HERE.

- MURSES, GRAB HER!

- [screams]

crunch!

- YOU OVERSHOT IT!

DEFINITELY DIDN'TSEE THAT COMING.

BUT I'LL SEE YOU IN REHABTOMORROW MORNING.

WELCOME BACK!

LOTS OF TOPICAL REFERENCESIN THERE:

SHUTTER ISLAND, REBECCA BLACK,SHARKEISHA.

STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT,I SAY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- OOH.

- OH!

- GOATING.

BAA!- [bleep]--

- BAA! BAA!

- HASHTAG HILARIOUS.

HASHTAG ALL OF YOU HAVE WAYTOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TRENDSLIKE THOSE GET STARTED...

WORLD STAR HIP-HOP?

THE BIBLE?

WHO KNOWS?

BUT THE FACT IS,THEY COME FROM SOMEWHERE,

AND WE ALWAYS NEED MORE.

[screeches]

HEY, HERE YOU GO.

[telephone ringing]

[retching]

GET DOWN, MR. PRESIDENT.

MR. PRESIDENT, GET DOWN.

GET DOWN.

DOWN.

OKAY, WE'RE CLEAR.

WE'RE CLEAR.

IF YOU PERFORM ANY OF THESE,

YOU HAVE TO SEND MEAND COMEDY CENTRAL $1.

IF YOU HAPPEN TO GETIN LEGAL TROUBLE

WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT,

JUST TELL THE OFFICERYOU WERE 49ER'ING.

AND FINALLY, MEET LABABY97.

HE'S MADE HUNDREDSOF THESE VIDEOS

SO HIS FAMILY CAN SEEWHAT HE'S UP TO.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,

EXCEPT THAT IN EVERY SINGLE ONE,

ALL HE DOES IS STAND THEREPOSING WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.

IT'S VERY CREEPY.

[slow R&B music]

I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

SO HERE WITH US NOW

IS LABABY97.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?

ALL RIGHT, TWO-PART QUESTION:

I DON'T WANT TO JUMPTO CONCLUSIONS,

BUT WHO AREALL THOSE WHITE WOMEN

IN THE PHOTOS BEHIND YOU,

AND DO THEY KNOWYOU'RE IN THEIR HOUSE?

VERY INFORMATIVE.

THIS HAS BEEN GREAT.THANKS.

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