May 7, 2013 - Ready to Mingle

  • 05/07/2013

Daniel gets invited to prom and offers a Web Redemption for prolific/psychotic performer Tonetta.

INDIA DISNEY SUCKS

BUT IT DOES HAVE A TINYCARBON FOOTPRINT.

[laughter]

I FORGOTTHE REST OF THE PLANET

IS STILLMANUALLY OPERATED.

THAT RIDE HAS GONE NINESTRAIGHT DAYS WITHOUT A DEATH,

AND THAT DEATH MIGHT HAVE BEENFROM STARVATION.

A SEASON PASS ONLY COSTSSEVEN CHICKENS,

IF YOU BRING INA TWO-LITER BOTTLE OF PEPSI.

[laughter]

JUST LIKE THE WORLD--

MEN MAKE IT GO 'ROUNDWHILE WOMEN EAT AND COMPLAIN.

[forced laughter]

STILL LIGHT-YEARS AHEAD OFTHE TUSCALOOSA COUNTY FAIR.

THEY JUST HAVE THREE HORSESYOU'RE ALLOWED TO FUCK.

[laughter]

ANYTHING CAN BE MADEINTO AN AMUSEMENT PARK

WITH A LITTLE INGENUITY.

EVEN THE JUNKAROUND YOUR OFFICE

CAN BE TURNED INTOAN ECO-FRIENDLY THRILL RIDE.

[sheep baas]

JUST VIOLENTLY SPIN HIMIN A CIRCLE SOMEWHERE.

PETE, GET ON THE LINE!STAY SLOW IN THE LINE!

SHE'S NOT SPINNING,ANDREW. NOT SPINNING.

EDDIE, DON'T CATCH UP--DON'T CATCH UP

TO THE PERSONIN FRONT OF YOU.

WE ALSO MADEA TOWER OF TERROR,

WHERE I CRAM THE EXECUTIVESFROM COMEDY CENTRAL IN A BOX

AND SHOVE THEM OFF THE ROOF.

[audience ohs]

I GET IT, I GET IT,FROSTED FLAKES ARE G-R-R-R-EAT.

NOW QUIT HOGGINGTHE COVERS.

[tiger chuffing]

- HE HOLLERED.

TECHNICALLY,YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO.

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

ARE THE DOGS PETSOR BREAKFAST?

[laughter]

BIG DEAL.

I'VE SLEPT NEXT TO SOMETHINGTHAT WAS WAY MORE RISKY.

[audience ohs]

I HAD TO BLURTHAT CELEBRITY'S FACE

BECAUSE THE DAY AFTERWE SHOT THAT, SHE DECIDED

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE MOCKEDON TV IN MY TWO-SECOND BIT.

NOW, LEGALLY I CAN'T SAYWHO IT WAS,

BUT YOU ARE ALLOWEDTO GUESS.

WAS IT, "A,"COURTNEY LOVE,

OR "B,"THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND?

[slow clapping]

♪ IF YOU'RE DOUGHY AND YOUKNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS ♪

NOW LET'S WATCHWHAT I'M SURE WILL BE

A REMARKABLEATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENT

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

LOOK AT THATCAPACITY CROWD.

THEY MUST HAVE DOUBLE-BOOKED ITWITH AN AA MEETING.

THIS IS DEPRESSING.THERE'S NO ICE.

I'M NOT SURE WHY HE'S DRESSEDLIKE KRISTI YAMAGUCHI.

DAYMAN.AH-AH-AHHHHH!

[laughter]

WEARING THAT ONESIETAKES HUGE BALLS,

BUT I CAN KIND OFMAKE HIS OUT,

AND THEY SEEM NORMALTO ME.

[slow clapping]

SOMEBODY TELL HIM IT'S NOT OKAYTO START YOUR OWN SLOW CLAP.

THAT'S LIKE BAKINGYOUR OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE.

DON'T FORGET TOWISH FOR SOME FRIENDS

WHEN YOU'RE BLOWING OUTYOUR CANDLES, LOSER.

WITH SO MUCH BUILD-UP, IMAGINEHOW EMBARRASSING IT WILL BE

IF HE DOESN'T DELIVER.

[clapping]

[laughter]

THAT LAST CLAPWAS HIS TENDON POPPING.

TURNS OUT HIS ACHILLES' HEELWAS HIS ACHILLES' HEEL.

UNLESS HE WAS PLANNINGTO LIMBO,

HE WASN'T MAKING ITPAST THAT BAR ANYWAY.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN,INSTEAD OF TRAINING,

YOU SPENDALL YOUR TIME ON ZAPPOS,

LOOKING FOR A POWER RANGEROUTFIT.

I'M JUST GLAD THERE WEREONLY SEVEN PEOPLE THERE

TO WITNESSHIS PERSONAL BEST

AND NO ONE ELSEWILL EVER SEE IT,

AND FOR THAT...[slow clapping]

WE THANK YOU.

[applause]

[indie rock]

- ♪ YUM YUM, YEAH

♪ YOU'RE READY TO MINGLE

♪ I'M READY TO ROLL

♪ UP AND DOWNYOUR BODY, BABY ♪

♪ THEN ALL THE WAY HOME

- WHAT A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.

TURN YOUR CHAIR, USHER.

THAT UNSETTLINGSINGER/SONGWRITER IS TONY,

AND IF HIS LITTLE"PERFORMANCE ART" PIECE

MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE,YOU'RE IN FOR A BUMPY RIDE.

HE'S UPLOADED HUNDREDS OFEVEN MORE TERRIFYING VIDEOS,

AND IF IT WEREN'TFOR WILMER VALDERRAMA,

TONY WOULD BE THE CREEPIESTPERSON ON THE INTERNET.

IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS,WEIRDOES LIKE HIM

WOULD JUST BE CAST OUTFROM SOCIETY

WITH THE IMPLIED AGREEMENTTHEY'D COMMIT SUICIDE.

OF COURSE, IT'S HARDTO SPOT A CREEP NOW,

BECAUSE SO MANY OF THEMARE JUST HIPSTERS.

DO YOU TAKE SECRET TRIPSTO THAILAND ON THE REG

OR DO YOU JUSTHAVE A MUSTACHE

AND WEAR IRONIC T-SHIRTSFROM URBAN OUTFITTERS?

I'M ALL FOR PUTTINGCREEPY PEOPLE ON LISTS,

BUT WHY STOPAT SEX OFFENDERS?

I THINK YOU SHOULDHAVE TO GO DOOR-TO-DOOR

AND TELL YOUR NEIGHBORS

IF YOU'VE EVER BEENA MALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR,

A YOUTH REFEREE,OWNED A BOAT,

KEPT A TOOTHPICKIN YOUR MOUTH

OR USED THE WORD "BONE"AS A VERB.

FACEBOOK WAS INVENTEDBY A CREEP,

AND YOU'RE A CREEPIF YOU'RE ON IT.

DUDES IN THE 1950sWHO GOT CAUGHT

THUMBING THROUGH GRAINY PHOTOSOF OTHER PEOPLE'S BABIES

WERE MURDERED ON THE SPOT.

SO WHAT IF A GUYWITH A SPLIT PERSONALITY

HAS AN ALTER EGOTHAT LIKES TO TUCK HIS WEENIE

AND DANCE AROUNDLIKE A PSYCHO?

YOU LIKE FLY FISHING.

BUT I LIKE TO CONSIDER TOSH.0 A SAFE HAVEN

FOR ANYONE TO LETTHEIR FREAK FLAG FLY.

AND SINCE I'M NOTAFRAID TO DIE,

I ANSWEREDTONY'S CRAIGSLIST AD

AND INVITED HIMTO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE EVERYONE NEEDSYEARS OF THERAPY,

IN THIS WEEK'SCEWEBRITY PROFILE.

[applause]

THIS IS A LOVELY PLACEYOU'VE GOT HERE, TONY.

WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITHMOST OF YOUR IDEAS FOR VIDEOS?

- WELL, USUALLY WHENI'M TAKING A SHOWER,

I KIND OF SING TO MYSELFA TUNE,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,I GET INSPIRED

WHEN I'M SINGINGIN THE SHOWER.

- HOW MANY VIDEOSHAVE YOU MADE?

- JUST BELOW 600.

- JUST BELOW 600? I HAVEN'TSEEN ANY OF THESE.

SOMEBODY BRING ME AN IPADSO I CAN WATCH THESE.

[distorted music]

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[laughter]

TONY, I HAVE SEEN THE CREEPIESTSHIT ON THE INTERNET,

AND LET ME TELL YOU,THAT IS UP THERE.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?- FEBRUARY 17TH, I'LL BE 64.

- WHAT DO YOU DO TO STAYIN SUCH INCREDIBLE SHAPE?

- MOSTLY, I MASTURBATE.

- JUST MASTURBATION?

- I LOVE TO MASTURBATE.

- I DO TOO,

BUT MY BODYDOESN'T LOOK GOOD,

AND I KNOW FOR A FACTIT'S NOT GONNA LOOK THAT GOOD

WHEN I'M 64 1/2.

- AND I JUST FINISHED DOING125 PUSH-UPS.

- SO, WHEN YOU SAIDYOU JUST MASTURBATE--

- THE TROUBLE IS, I DON'T LIKETO WORK OUT TOO MUCH,

'CAUSE I STILL WANT TO KEEPMY--MY FEMININITY.

I STILL WANT TO HAVETHAT GIRL FIGURE.

- I GUESS I SEE THAT.

- YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE,LIKE I SAY, WE ARE BOTH.

- PHYSICALLY?- WHY, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE LEGS.- THEY'RE GOOD LEGS.

- I WAS BORN WITHOUT HAIR.

- OH, SO YOU DON'TEVEN SHAVE YOUR LEGS.

- NO, I DON'T.IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

- DID THAT AFFECT YOU,GROWING UP?

- NO, I DIDN'T.IT MADE ME HAIRLESS.

- TONY, ARE YOU--ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL?

- IF ANYTHING, I'M BI.WE ALL HAVE THAT OPTION.

EVEN YOU.- HEY, THAT'S AN EASY SELL.

- I'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.[laughs] YOU KNOW.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- WHAT KIND OF CHILDHOODDID YOU HAVE?

- [laughs]A FUCKED-UP CHILDHOOD.

FUCK, I'M NOT NORMAL.- HOW NOT NORMAL?

- LIKE, A GUY, HE GETS MARRIED.HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

HE BUYS A HOUSE. HE HAS KIDSAND A FUCKING DOG.

THAT'S NOT ME. I LIKE TORIDE MOTORCYCLES. I'M WILD.

- HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PET?- IT'S RIGHT HERE.

MY LITTLE PET.SAY HELLO.

[high-pitched voice]HELLO.

[laughs]

- DON'T DO THAT TO YOURBEAUTIFUL, FEMININE LEGS.

- THAT'S OKAY.

I TAKE A LOT OF VITAMIN E.

BRUISES GO AWAY RIGHT AWAY.

I USED TO HAVE A BRUISERIGHT HERE.

- FROM WHAT?

- FROM MY BUDDYSUCKING ON IT.

[laughs]

- TALK TO ME ABOUT HOWYOU CAME UP WITH TONETTA.

- I NEEDED A GIRL.WHAT ELSE?

BASICALLY, TONETTAIS A SEX SYMBOL.

GARBAGE.WHITE TRASH.

- HAVE YOU EVERBEEN MARRIED?

- ACTUALLY,THAT'S MY WIFE RIGHT THERE.

IT IS ACTUALLY MY EX.

WHAT I DID WAS,I PUT HER IN BONDAGE,

JUST TO KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

- HOW MANY YEARSWERE YOU MARRIED?

- JUST ENOUGHTO PUMP OUT TWO KIDS.

- AW!- THEY WERE GOOD PUMPS, ANYWAY.

SHE WAS A GOOD FUCK.- DOES SHE LIKE YOUR VIDEOS?

- SHE LIKES MY DICK.- WELL, WHO WOULDN'T?

- SHE HAS SMALL TITSBUT BIG NIPPLES.

- DO YOU LIKE BIG NIPPLES?- MM-HMM. YUMMY, YUMMY.

- I DON'T LIKE BIG NIPPLES.

- WHAT ABOUT MILK?- I LOVE MILK.

- BREAST MILK?- EHHH...

- YOU WOULD HAVE LOVEDMY WIFE'S.

IT'S CLEAR BUT IT'S SWEET.

- I DON'T THINK IT'S SAFE TODRINK OTHER WOMEN'S BREAST MILK.

- IT MAY BE NOT SAFE,BUT I KNOW IT'S HEALTHY.

LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT.

- YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH.- THANK YOU.

- WHAT ABOUT DRUG USE?- FOR IT. I-I DO RUSH.

YOU WANT SOMETHINGTO SNIFF?

- I'D LOVESOMETHING TO SNIFF.

- WELL, YOU COMERIGHT OVER HERE, BOY.

[laughs]

- YOU'VE WRITTEN MORE SONGSTHAN THE BEATLES.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT?

- I'VE WRITTEN 1,000 SONGS.

- WHICH WOULD YOU SAYIS YOUR MOST POPULAR?

- THE ONE CALLED PRESSURE ZONE.

♪ I CAN'T WAIT TO PUT ITIN MY MOUTH ♪

♪ UP MY CRACK

♪ IN MY ASS

- DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELFA SEX SYMBOL?

- VERY. IN FACT,I'M HORNY RIGHT NOW.

- WELL, WE COULD EXCUSEEVERYONE FOR A MINUTE.

- WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

- LETTING YOURELIEVE YOURSELF.

- WHAT I'M SAYING IS, DO YOUWANT TO DO IT TOGETHER?

- NO, I DON'T WANT TODO IT TOGETHER.

- DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?

SO THAT'S HOWYOU GET YOUR KICKS--

WATCHING GUYS JERK OFF.

[laughs]THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

WELL, GO GET THE KLEENEX.

- YOU'VE GOT A BLANKETRIGHT THERE.

- THAT'S SOMETHINGYOU'VE GOT TO WASH.

KLEENEX YOU JUST--YOU JUST CUM.

YOU THROW IT IN A BASKETAND YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

- IF YOU COULD PERFORM A DUETWITH ANYONE ON THE PLANET,

WHO WOULD IT BE?

- TONETTA, BUT I KNOWTHAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

- TRUE, UNLESS YOU HAPPENTO BE PIONEERS

IN THE FIELD OF SPLITGREEN SCREEN TECHNOLOGY.

- WELL, HASN'T THAT BEEN AROUNDFOR AT LEAST 30 YEARS?

- FUCK YOU, TONY.

I'VE GOT IT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CITYIN THE WORLD

WHERE MONEY IS NO OBJECT.

- VEGAS?- NOPE.

RENO, THE BIGGEST LITTLECRIME HAVEN IN THE WORLD.

[funky music]

ALL RIGHT, TONY,I GOT YOU $200 MILLION

JUST FOR DOING THIS SHOWTWICE A DAY,

SEVEN DAYS A WEEKFOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS.

ARE YOU READY TO GO?

- TONETTA QUIT.WE'RE DONE.

- I AM NOT HAVINGTHIS CONVERSATION.

YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON.

THE SHOW MUST GO ON.GIVE ME THIS.

- TONY DOESN'T WORKWITH ANY OTHER SLUT!

- YOU'RE GONNA WORKWITH THIS SLUT.

I BETTER NOT CATCHANY AIDS.

[cheers and applause]

[indie rock]

- THAT'S NOT TONETTA!

[boos and catcalls]

- ♪ TONETTAAND TONY WORK TOGETHER ♪

♪ FREAK TOGETHER,LOVE TOGETHER ♪

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

♪ I'LL FUCK HER,SHE'S A SWEETIE ♪

♪ YEAH, IT'S MEAND YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪

♪ I DO IT IN THE BACK

♪ AND SHE SAYS,IF YOU PLEASE ♪

♪ TONY AND TONETTAARE TWO IN LOVE ♪

[audience ohs]

♪ YEAH, IT'S BETTERTHAN TWO, THREE ♪

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

♪ TONETTA AND TONY

♪ TONY AND TONETTA

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[applause]

- HEY, KRISTEN STEWART,MY NAME IS CODY,

AND I HAVE BEEN A FAN OF YOURMOVIES FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

AND MY QUESTION TO YOU IS,

WILL YOU GO WITH METO MY JUNIOR PROM

IN THE SPRING OF 2013WITH ME?

AND IF YOU DO NOT SEE THIS,

EVERYONE WHO ELSETHAT DOES SEE THIS,

PLEASE GET THIS VIDEOAS FAR AS POSSIBLE,

'CAUSE, OF COURSE, I WANTKRISTENTEWART TO SEE THIS.

- WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BRINGKRISTEN STEWART TO YOUR PROM?

SHE'LL END UP DITCHING YOUHALFWAY THROUGH THE NIGHT

TO BANG YOUR PRINCIPAL.

EVERY YEARAROUND THIS TIME,

I GET BOTH FLATTEREDAND OVERWHELMED

BY THE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDSOF PROM INVITATIONS I RECEIVE,

JUST LIKEBACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I THOUGHT THAT, AS A COURTESY,I WOULD RESPOND FACE-TO-FACE

TO A SELECT FEWOF THOSE REQUESTS.

FIRST UP IS MEYONCE.SHE WRITES...

HO HO!

I WILL NOT GO TO PROMWITH YOU

UNTIL GAYS CAN LEGALLYGET MARRIED IN ALL 48 STATES.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT HAWAIIOR ALASKA.

ANNEMARIE WANTS TO GOTO PROM WITH ME.

LET'S MEET HER.

- HI, DANIEL.- HEY, I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION.

IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET YOUPREGGERS AFTER PROM,

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DOWITH THE BABY?

- KEEP IT AND TAKEALL YOUR MONEY.

- OH, WRONG ANSWER,ANNEMARIE.

I'M NOT GOING TO PROMWITH YOU.

OKAY, NOW WE HAVE ALINA.

IF I AGREE TO BE YOUR DATE,

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOAFTER PROM?

YOU GUYS RENTINGA LAKE HOUSE OR SOMETHING?

- NO. I HAVE A HOT TUB.

- THAT SOUNDS NICE.WHAT DO YOU SET IT AT?

- 103.- NNNH.

MORE OF A WARM TUB.- [laughs]

- I'M A 106 MAN, MYSELF,

SO I WILL DEFINITELY NOTGO TO PROM WITH YOU.

I'M SORRY.- COME ON.

- NO.

- YOU HAVE TO FEEL PITYFOR ME.

MY BOYFRIEND AND IJUST BROKE UP.

YOU HAVE TO.- ALL RIGHT.

WELL, WHAT IF IGET YOU PREGNANT?

WHAT WILL YOU DOWITH THE BABY?

- PROBABLY ABORTION.[laughs]

- THAT IS NOT FUNNY.

AND THAT IS NOT YOUR CHOICETO MAKE. SO, NO.

NEXT, IT'S TAYLOR,WHO SAYS...

RADNOR?

LET'S TALK TO HER.

- HI, THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

- OKAY, YOU ARE DEFINITELYIN MY WHEELHOUSE.

UH, WHAT'S YOUR HIGH SCHOOLPOCY ON STATUTORY STUFF?

- I DON'T KNOW.

LENIENT, I GUESS.YOU KNOW.

- LOOKS LIKE RADNOR MIGHT BEGETTING MY SLOPPY SECONDS.

I'LL DM YOU.

NEXT, IT'S WILL,WHO WRITES, "REMEMBER ME?

"ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AGO,I TOLD YOUR WHITE ASS

"TO BE AT THE BEST PROMIN AMERICA.

MAY 18TH,YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT."

LET'S TALK TO WILL.

HEY, HAVE YOU EVERASKED A DUDE TO PROM BEFORE?

- UH, NO, THIS WILL BEMY FIRST TIME, ACTUALLY.

- OH, VIRGIN!

I'M NOT GOING TO PROMWITH A VIRGIN.

- AH, YOU'RE A BITCH.

- YOU'RE A BITCH.- [laughs]

NEXT UP IS CASSIE.

- HI, DANIEL.THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- I'M 17.I'LL BE 18 JUNE 5TH.

- I HOPE YOUR PROMIS JUNE 6TH.

- IT'S NOT.

- ALL RIGHT. THEN, NO.

- UM, WELL,THAT SUCKS,

BUT, UM, THANK YOU FORAT LEAST TALKING TO ME

AND GETTING MY HOPES UP.

LIKE,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND STOP LETTING MEWALK ALL OVER YOU!

[laughter]

FINALLY, WE HAVE HUNTER.

- OH, MY GOD!

- OKAY, NO.

- HI!

- NO ONE SHOULD EVER BETHAT EXCITED TO SEE ME.

- [laughs]AW, THAT'S NOT NICE.

- WELL,WELCOME TO MY SHOW.

I THINK THE LESSONTO BE LEARNED HERE

IS TO QUIT TRYINGTO GUILT CELEBRITIES

INTO GOING ON DATESWITH YOU.

IF NOBODY AT YOUR SCHOOLWANTS TO TAKE YOU,

WHAT MAKES YOU THINKI'D HAVE ANY INTEREST?

BY THE WAY, MY HIGH SCHOOLREUNION'S COMING UP,

AND MILA KUNIS,I'D LOVE YOU TO BE MY DATE.

IS THE HANGOVER III,AND I'M ABOUT TO DO MORE DAMAGE

TO THAT FRANCHISETHAN HANGOVER II,

BECAUSE IT'S TIMEFOR SPOILER ALERT.

FULL DISCLOSURE--I HAVE NOTSEEN THIS MOVIE,

NOR DO I INTEND TO.

MAYBE ON HBO.

I JUST WATCHED THAT'S MY BOY. NOT BAD.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT,HERE'S WHAT I KNOW.

IT'S GONNA BE30 TO 45 MINUTES TOO LONG.

THERE WILL BE MISUNDERSTANDINGS,A WILD ANIMAL,

ED HELMS SHRIEKING.

GALIFIANAKISWILL PRONOUNCE WORDS WRONG.

BRADLEY COOPERWILL RUN HIS FINGERS

THROUGH HISALMOST TOO THICK HAIR.

AND AT THE END, THEY'LLSHOW A BUNCH OF FUNNY PICTURES

THAT WILL MAKE YOU WISHTHAT WAS THE MOVIE INSTEAD.

THAT'S IT.

>> TONY, I HAVE SEEN THE

CREEPIEST SHIT ON THE INTERNET,

AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT IS UP

THERE.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> FEBRUARY 17TH, I'LL BE 64.

>> WHAT DO YOU DO TO STAY IN

SUCH INCREDIBLE SHAPE?

>> MOSTLY I MASTURBATE.

>> JUST MASTURBATION?

>> I LOVE TO MASTURBATE.

>> I DO TOO, BUT MY BODY DOESN'T

LOOK GOOD, AND I KNOW FOR A FACT

IT'S NOT GONNA LOOK THAT GOOD

WHEN I'M 64 1/2.

>> AND I JUST FINISHED DOING 125

PUSH-UPS BEFORE I GOT ON YOUR

SHOW.

>> OH, SO WHEN YOU SAY YOU JUST

MASTURBATE, THAT'S A LOT--

AND 125 PUSH-UPS.

I HAVEN'T DONE 125 PUSH-UPS

EVER.

>> I DO IT.

I REALLY DO IT.

>> OKAY.

WHAT ABOUT SIT-UPS?

>> I DO SIT-UPS.

I DO, YOU KNOW--

>> OKAY, SO YOU WORK OUT QUITE A

BIT.

>> YEAH, BUT TROUBLE IS I DON'T

LIKE TO WORK OUT TOO MUCH 'CAUSE

I STILL WANT TO KEEP MY

FEMININITY.

I STILL WANT TO HAVE THAT GIRL

FIGURE.

>> I GUESS I SEE THAT.

>> YOU KNOW, BECAUSE LIKE I SAY,

WE ARE BOTH.

>> PHYSICALLY?

>> MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE LEGS.

>> THEY'RE GOOD LEGS.

>> ARE THESE MASCULINE MALE?

I DON'T HAVE ANY HAIR.

EVER SINCE I WAS BORN--

I WAS BORN WITHOUT HAIR.

>> OH, SO YOU DON'T EVEN SHAVE

YOUR LEGS?

>> NO, I DON'T.

IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

MY CHEST--

>> YOUR BODY IS JUST HAIRLESS.

>> I'VE BEEN HAIRLESS EVER SINCE

I CAME OUT OF THE WOMB.

MY MOTHER SAID--SHE SAID,

"THIS BOY'S GONNA BE HAIRLESS."

>> DID THAT EFFECT YOU GROWING

UP?

>> NO, IT DIDN'T.

IT MADE ME HAIRLESS.

>> TONY, ARE YOU--

ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL?

>> IF ANYTHING, I'M BI.

>> IF ANYTHING, BI.

>> YEAH, I THINK, YOU KNOW,

PRETTY WELL--THE WHOLE WORLD--

WE'RE ALL REALLY BI.

WE ALL HAVE THAT OPTION.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU LOSE YOUR

GIRLFRIEND, YOU CAN GO FOR A GUY

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

OR VICE VERSA.

WE HAVE THE OPTION.

BUT I--SOMETIMES OUR MINDS SAY,

"NO, I LIKE GIRLS,"

OR, "I LIKE GUYS."

BUT I REALLY BELIEVE--

>> THAT EVERYONE AT THEIR

CORE...

>> I BELIEVE THAT--

>> COULD BE BI.

>> RIGHT.

I EVEN--YOU.

>> HEY, THAT'S AN EASY SELL.

>> WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT, BUT--

>> THAT'S AN EASY SELL.

>> I'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

TONIGHT.

TONIGHT.

[laughs]

YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

>> WHAT KIND OF CHILDHOOD DID

YOU HAVE?

>> [laughs]

A FUCKED UP CHILDHOOD.

OH, FUCK.

I'M NOT NORMAL.

>> HOW NOT NORMAL?

>> LIKE, A GUY GETS MARRIED,

HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND,

HE BUYS A HOUSE,

HE HAS KIDS AND A FUCKIN' DOG.

THAT'S NOT ME.

I LIKE TO RIDE MOTORCYCLES.

I'M WILD.

>> HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PET?

>> IT'S RIGHT HERE.

MY LITTLE PET.

SAY HELLO.

[high-pitched voice] HELLO!

[laughs]

>> DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR

BEAUTIFUL FEMININE LEGS.

>> OH, THAT'S OKAY.

I TAKE A LOT OF VITAMIN E.

BRUISES GO AWAY RIGHT AWAY.

I USED TO HAVE A BRUISE RIGHT

HERE.

>> FROM WHAT?

>> FROM MY BUDDY SUCKING ON IT.

[laughs]

>> TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW YOU CAME

UP WITH TONETTA.

>> I NEEDED A GIRL.

WHAT ELSE?

BASICALLY TONETTA IS A SEX

SYMBOL.

TRASH.

GARBAGE.

WHITE TRASH.

AND THAT'S WHAT THEY LIKE.

SO I WILL BE WATCHING MYSELF ON

TV, YOU KNOW, TONETTA ON--

AND I'LL JUST BE JERKIN' OFF TO

IT.

IT'S CALLED SAFE SEX.

>> VERY SAFE.

>> BASICALLY HAVING SEX WITH

YOURSELF.

>> I'VE MASTURBATED TO MY OWN

HEAD SHOT.

>> YOU'VE DONE THAT?

>> YEAH.

>> YOU'RE A GOOD-LOOKING GUY.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING--

>> I THINK I'M GONNA MASTURBATE

TO YOU.

>> IT WOULD BE AN HONOR.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED?

>> ACTUALLY, THAT'S MY WIFE

RIGHT THERE.

IT IS ACTUALLY MY EX.

WHAT I DID WAS I PUT HER IN

BONDAGE, JUST TO KEEP AN EYE ON

HER.

>> HOW MANY YEARS WERE YOU

MARRIED?

>> JUST ENOUGH TO PUMP OUT TWO

KIDS.

>> OHH.

>> THEY WERE GOOD PUMPS ANYWAY.

SHE WAS A GOOD FUCK.

>> DOES SHE LIKE YOUR VIDEOS?

>> SHE LIKES MY DICK.

>> OH, WHO WOULDN'T?

>> ISN'T THAT GOOD ENOUGH?

SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I DO

VIDEOS.

>> SHE DOESN'T KNOW YOU DO

VIDEOS?

>> SHE DOESN'T KNOW I WRITE

MUSIC.

THAT ALL HAPPENED AFTER SHE

THREW ME OUT.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW I DRAW.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT'S HER.

OF COURSE, MAYBE NOW SHE'LL

KNOW.

>> WELL, I'M GONNA SAY, SHE'S

GOT NICE BOOBS.

>> WELL, THANK YOU.

I GAVE--MADE THEM EXTRA LARGE,

'CAUSE SHE HAS--SHE HAS SMALL

TITS, BUT BIG NIPPLES.

>> DO YOU LIKE BIG NIPPLES?

>> MM-HMM.

YUMMY, YUMMY.

>> I DON'T LIKE BIG NIPPLES.

>> WHAT ABOUT MILK?

>> I LOVE MILK.

>> BREAST MILK?

>> [groans]

>> YOU WOULD'VE LOVED MY WIFE'S.

IT'S CLEAR, BUT IT'S SWEET.

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S SAFE TO

DRINK OTHER WOMEN'S BREAST MILK.

>> MAYBE NOT SAFE, BUT I KNOW

IT'S HEALTHY.

LOOK WHAT--HOW I TURNED OUT.

>> YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> WHAT ABOUT DRUG USE?

>> FOR IT!

I DO RUSH.

YOU WANT SOMETHING TO SNIFF?

>> I'D LOVE SOMETHING TO SNIFF.

>> WELL, YOU COME RIGHT OVER

HERE, BOY.

[laughs]

>> HEY, WHAT WAS YOUR CREATIVE

OUTLET BEFORE YOUTUBE?

>> WELL, I'M AN ARTIST.

I DRAW.

I'M ALSO--I'M AN UPHOLSTERER.

I MAKE FURNITURE.

THAT'S ART TOO, EH?

I'M A HIGH-END--

I REALLY AM A HIGH-END

UPHOLSTERER.

>> WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

I MEAN, I WOULD--I WOULD NEVER

CONSIDER THAT A TRADITIONAL 9:00

TO 5:00 JOB.

>> IT WASN'T REALLY, BECAUSE I

WAS BASICALLY INDEPENDENT.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD COME AND GO AS

I WANT.

I COULD START AT 6:00 IN THE

MORNING AND LEAVE AT 12:00.

OR WORK 12 HOURS STRAIGHT.

OR GO IN SATURDAYS OR SUNDAYS.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.

>> WOULD PEOPLE COME IN TO CHECK

ON YOU WHILE YOU WERE DOING YOUR

WORK AND SEE YOU NAKED?

>> YOU MEAN DO I UPHOLSTER

NAKED?

>> YES.

>> WELL, WHEN I GOT THAT STAPLE

GUN IN MY HAND, I DID GET--

GET ONE ONTO MY DICK ONCE--

A STAPLE.

>> BY ACCIDENT?

>> DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE

DELIBERATELY?

NO WAY.

I HAD A BUDDY HAVE TO PULL IT

OFF.

>> WITH HIS TEETH?

>> YEAH.

HE WANTED TO GET CLOSE TO

YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

>> YOUR BUTTHOLE?

>> [laughs]

NOW, NOW.

>> TALK ABOUT YOUR MUSIC.

>> BASICALLY MY MUSIC IS--

THE REASON WHY I STARTED

WRITING--IT'S SELF-THERAPY.

IT'S STUFF THAT'S BUILT IN ME

THAT YOU HAVE TO GET OUT.

SO EITHER YOU SEE A SHRINK

OR YOU WRITE AND PUT IT TO MUSIC

AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

THAT'S BASICALLY--OTHER PEOPLE

HAVE SAID THE SAME THING.

LIKE PAUL MCCARTNEY,

DOLLY PARTON.

SHE SAYS IT'S SELF-THERAPY--

MUSIC.

AND IT MAKES SENSE.

IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GETTING ALL THAT

SHIT OUT OF YOU.

>> YOU'VE WRITTEN MORE SONGS

THAN THE BEATLES.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT?

>> I'VE WRITTEN 1,000 SONGS.

>> WHICH WOULD YOU SAY IS YOUR

MOST POPULAR?

>> THE ONE CALLED PRESSURE ZONE.

♪ I CAN'T WAIT TO PUT IT ♪

♪IN MY MOUTH ♪

♪ UP MY CRACK, IN MY ASS

>> DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A

SEX SYMBOL?

>> VERY.

FUCK, I'M HORNY RIGHT NOW.

>> WELL, WE COULD EXCUSE

EVERYONE FOR A MINUTE.

>> WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

>> LETTING YOU RELIEVE YOURSELF.

>> WHAT I'M SAYING IS, DO YOU

WANT TO DO IT TOGETHER?

>> NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT

TOGETHER.

>> YOU WANT TO WATCH.

SO THAT'S HOW YOU GET YOUR

KICKS.

WATCHING GUYS JERK OFF.

[laughs]

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

WELL, GO GET THE KLEENEX.

>> YOU GOT A BLANKET RIGHT

THERE.

>> THAT'S SOMETHING YOU GOT TO

WASH.

KLEENEX YOU JUST--YOU JUST CUM,

YOU THROW IT IN A BASKET, AND

YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

>> IF YOU COULD FORM A DUET WITH

ANYONE ON THE PLANET,

WHO WOULD IT BE?

>> TONETTA, BUT I KNOW THAT'S

NOT POSSIBLE.

>> TRUE, UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE

PIONEERS IN THE FIELD OF SPLIT

GREEN SCREEN TECHNOLOGY.

>> WELL, HASN'T THAT BEEN AROUND

FOR AT LEAST 30 YEARS?

>> FUCK YOU, TONY.

I'VE GOT IT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CITY IN THE

WORLD WHERE MONEY IS NO OBJECT.

>> VEGAS?

>> NOPE. RENO.

THE BIGGEST LITTLE CRIME HAVEN

IN THE WORLD.

Loading...