June 23, 2010 - Stuck in an Elevator

  • 06/23/2010

The Stuck in the Elevator Guy gets a Web Redemption, and rapper 50 Tyson drops mad beats.

[APPLAUSE]>> HEY, NICK.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> LET'S START SMALL WITH AN ESCALATOR.

NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF HERE.

[BUZZER].

[BLEEP]. >> NO, NO!

HELP, HELP! TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

>> I BASICALLY WENT OUT FOR A CIGARETTE BREAK.

I GOT IN AN ELEVATOR WHERE I WASWORKING FOR 15 YEARS.

ON THE WAY UP, THE ELEVATOR GOT STUCK IN THE CONCRETE SHAFT.

WHEN I DID OPEN THE DOOR, FROM ZERO TO 39 WAS JUST CINDER BLOCK

SHAFT.

>> YOU WERE IN THERE 42 HOURS?

>> AROUND 41 HOURS, YEAH.

>> HOW LONG WERE YOU IN THERE?

DID YOU EVER GO UP TO THE TOP?

>> I TRIED.

THE LATCH IS LOCKED BY LAW.

THE HATCH IS NOT TO GET THERE.

IT'S FOR PEOPLE TO COME IN AND GET YOU.

>> EVERYONE THAT WATCHES THAT PROBABLY THINKS THEY COULD THINK

OF A WAY AND THERE SOLIDLY WASN'T --

>> I HAD LIKE A BOOK OF MATCHES AND THREE CIGARETTES.

>> BURN THAT [BLEEP] DOWN.

>> AT ONE POINT I THOUGHT OF DROPPING A MATCH DOWN THE SHAFT,

HOPING IT WOULD CREATE A FIRE.

AT SOME POINT I WAS LOSING IT.

>> DID YOU REALIZE THE SECURITY CAMERAS WERE ON YOU?

>> YES, I DID.

>> DID THAT DETER OR MOTIVATE YOU TO MASTURBATE?

>> EVERYBODY ASKS THAT QUESTION.

DID YOU EVER SEE THE YOUTUBE COMMENTS?

HOW COULD THAT GUY NOT JERK OFF.

>> I'VE NOT GONE 42 HOURS WITHOUT JERKING ON.

>> SOMETHING TOTALLY EROTIC ABOUT BEING STUCK IN AN

ELEVATEDER.

I DID PEE -- >> SO YOU DID PEE?

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.

NO.

>> HOW LONG AFTER THIS DID YOU START TO DEVELOP ACTUALLY A GOOD

SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT IT?

>> AS SOON AS THE LAWSUIT WAS OVER.

>> YOU REALIZED YOU WEREN'T GOING TO GET PAID OFF OF IT?

>> YEAH.

>> YOU WEREN'T GOING TO GET PAIDOF IT?

>> NO.

>> I'D LIKE TO BREAK YOUR WORLD.

I'D LIKE TO BE THERE 41 HOURS.

IT WOULD BE GREAT IF I CAN DO ITWITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE AT THE TOSH.0 OFFICES.

ARE YOU READY FOR TELL INVESTIGATOR RIDE OF YOUR LIFE?

>> LET'S GO FOR IT.

>> GET IN THERE! THAT'S MINE.

I CANNOT HOLD IT! >> PIZZA IS HERE!

>> HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> THAT WAS OVER 30 MINUTES! SHOULD BE FREE!

THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO, NICK.

THERE YOU GO.

JOEY! >> HEY, JOEY!

>> WHAT'S UP?

>> ALL SET?

[BLEEP] YOU [BLEEP] MY GOOD O.G.

CUSH ON YOU.

BETTER STOP TELLING YOUR SISTER SHE BETTER NOT CALL ME.

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT A CALENDARWHAT'S WRONG.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! >> THAT'S BAD LUCK.

BAD LUCK.

>> CHECK, CHECK! >> NO, NO.

>> HEY. >> LET ME --

>> YOU SON OF A BITCH! >> GIRLS LOVE A JACUZZI.

>> I SHOCKED THE WORLD.

I SHOCKED THE WORLD! >> THE LAST ELEVATOR WAS A

SAUSAGE PARTY.

>> YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

>> THAT GUY HAS OVER FIVE MILLION HITS ON YOUTUBE!

>> HOUSEKEEPING! >> DID WE HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT?

[COUGHING].

>> AFTER YOU.

>> I THINK WE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT OURSELVES.

NICE MEETING YOU, NICK.

CAN WE SEE SOMETHING WHITE PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY DO?

[BLEEP] [LAUGHTER]

I'M SURE PEOPLE AT HOME ARE SAYING, "THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR

NOT WEARING PADS," BUT THEY DON'T MAKE A GRUNDLE GUARD.

I'VE CHECKED.

THAT IS A HELL OF A WAY TO GET AVASECTOMY.

WALK IT OFF! ALRIGHT.

LET'S TEAR OPEN THIS VIDEO'S SACK IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]SKATING IS ALL ABOUT TRIAL AND

ERROR. MOSTLY ERROR.

BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP MICHA AND HIS BUDDIES FROM LOITERING AT

THE HIGH SCHOOL THEY'LL NEVER GRADUATE FROM.

15-STAIRS -- GO BIG OR GO HOME!

OHH! LOOKS LIKE THE LANDING STUCK

HIM. LET'S SEE IT AGAIN.

I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES I'VESEEN A SKATEBOARD STAB SOMEONE

IN THE TAINT, IT'S NEVER ENOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]HE IS GONNA NEED SOME TWEEZERS.

AND A MIRROR. [SCREAMING]

LISTEN TO HIM WHINE. SOUNDS LIKE SHAKIRA'S NEW SONG.

[LAUGHTER]I'D FREAK TOO IF MY SKATEBOARD

RIPPED ME A NEW [BLEEP], BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO IMPRESS

THOSE 8TH GRADERS.

THEY DON'T EVEN LIFT A FINGER. THEY'RE ABOUT AS HELPFUL AS GARY

COLEMAN'S WIFE. WE'LL MISS YOU, WEBSTER.

[BLEEP]THAT'S A PHRASE NO MAN EVER

WANTS TO SAY. I JUST HOPE THERE AREN'T ANY GAY

VAMPIRES AROUND. [LAUGHTER]

I'M TALKING TO YOU, ROBERT PATTINSON.

[LAUGHTER]OKAY, MICHA, YOU NEED TO CALM

DOWN AND HAVE THAT LOOKED AT BY A PROFESSIONAL.

OR JUST HAVE YOUR BUDDIES CHECK IT OUT IN THE BUSHES.

[LAUGHTER]THAT KID MADE A B+ IN BIOLOGY.

WHAT'S THE PROGNOSIS, DOOGIE?

AH, THE GOOCH. "NAH HIS GOOCH.

HIS GOOCH IS BLEEDING." IT'S THE MOST MYSTERIOUS OF ALL

BODY PARTS. CERTAINLY THE LAST PLACE YOU

WANT TO HAVE RIPPED. LOOKS LIKE YOU'LL NEVER BE THE

NEXT SHAUN WHITE. BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE BETTER

LOOKING THAN HE IS.

[LAUGHTER]YEAH.

EVERYONE IS.

I'M JUST GLAD THERE ARE NEW PEOPLE TO CARRY ON THE TRADITION

OF SKATERS HURTING THEMSELVES NOW THAT BAM MARGERA IS SO OLD

AND PATHETIC, AND FOR THAT, WE SAY THANK YOU.

>> WELCOME BACK. I ASKED YOU LAST WEEK TO SEND ME

YOUR "I HATE" VIDEOS. WELL, HERE ARE THE ONES THAT I

HATED THE LEAST.

>> THIS IS MY I HATE VIDEO FOR COMEDY CENTRAL'S TOSH.0.

>> I HATE WHEN YOUR HATE VIDEO ABOUT THE HANDICAPPED STICKER.

MY GRANDMA HAS A HANDICAPPEDSTICKER.

SHE CAN'T WALK FAR BECAUSE HER BACK HURTS, DICK HEAD.

>> I HATE WHEN TODD GETS [BLEEP][BLEEP]ED ON TV.

>> THE GOOD SHOWS ARE ON EVERY NIGHT.

I HAVE SCHOOL THE NEXT MORNING.

TOSH, PUT YOUR SHOWS ON EARLIER.

>> WHAT BREAKS IT DOWN?

>> I HATE IT.

>> THAT WAS EVERYTHING ON MY IHATE LIST.

THAT IS GOING TO BE EXCITING.

NOW, BEFORE WE END THE SHOW, IN

CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I'M

GETTING PRETTY FAMOUS.

IN FACT, I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT I'M

AN ASCENDING B-.

YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE MOVIE OFFERS ARE COMING

IN LIKE WILDFIRE, BUT I'M NOT

GONNA SAY YES TO JUST ANY

PROJECT.

THAT'S WHY I HAD YOU THE FANS,

HELP ME WRITE A SCREENPLAY IN A

NEW SEGMENT CALLED "TWITTEN BY"

CLEVER AND CUTE!

[LAUGHTER]

I STARTED BY SENDING OUT A

SINGLE TWEET AND YOU GUYS TOOK

OVER.

"THE YEAR IS 2011.

DANIEL WAKES UP.

AND HE WAKES UP NEXT TO A SWEATY

BUT SATISFIED ANTONIO BANDERAS,

HIS ANUS WAS AFLAME WITH THE

PAIN OF A FORGOTTEN NIGHT.

LATER THAT DAY HE SEES A BUNCH

OF DEAD HOOKERS.

REALLY, JUST A CRAZY AMOUNT OF

DEAD HOOKERS.

[LAUGHTER]

ONE OF THEM WAS ALL FILLED WITH

BABIES.

AND SHE HAD HERPES.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN HIS MOTHER REVEALS TO HIM

THAT SHE IS PREGNANT.

AND HE IS THE FATHER.

TOSH'S FATHER IS UPSET, YET NOT

SURPRISED.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HE MASTURBATES WITH HIS OWN

TEARS, AND SCREAMED "I JUST

BOUGHT TICKETS FOR YOUR TOUR

WHEN IT GOES TO INDIANA!

I LOVE YOU :)

I'M SO EXCITED!"

"HE WANTED TO GET OUT OF TOWN IN

TIME TO CATCH THE SALE AT THE

PERRY ELLIS OUTLET MALL BUT HE

FOUND HIMSELF SURROUNDED BY

AL-QAEDA.

HE WAS OUTNUMBERED BUT STILL

MANAGED TO PLEASURE EACH MAN

ACCORDINGLY.

[LAUGHTER]

NO ONE WAS UNSATISFIED!

YES, I HAD TO DO GAY STUFF IN

PRISON, BUT THAT WAS FOR

SURVIVAL.

SURVIVAL!

BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER

BONER BONER BONER BONER BONER

BONER BONER.

HE DIES.

END OF MOVIE."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT ONE WAS A REAL TEAR-JERKER.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS NEXT VIDEO IS COMIN'

STRAIGHT OUT OF MY MOM'S

BATHROOM.

♪♪

I'M SORRY.

I DON'T THINK I CAUGHT YOUR

NAME.

50 TYSON, ALRIGHT.

♪♪

THIS GUY TELLS THE TRUTH.

♪♪

TURN HIM DOWN IN MY HEADPHONES.

THAT IS MY JAM.

DON'T GIVE UP, BEING AN AWFUL

RAPPER NEVER STOPPED WILL SMITH.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE.

I LEARNED THAT SONG

WORD-FOR-WORD.

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

♪♪

>> YEP, YEP, YEP.

♪♪>> THAT'S CALLED DAGGERING.

IT'S A TRADITIONAL JAMAICAN DANCE WHERE YOU DRY HUMP THE

[BLEEP] OUT OF YOUR PARTNER. THAT'S NOT THE ONLY POSSIBLY

ILLEGAL DANCE ON THE INTERNET. CHECK OUT THIS BIT OF FANCY

FOOTWORK CALLED THE [BLEEP] SLANG.

THAT'S WHERE YOU WHIP YOUR JUNK AROUND LIKE A PROPELLER MADE OF

MEAT. ALL YOU NEED IS A PAIR OF BAGGY

SWEATPANTS AND A GIFT FROM THE LORD.

[LAUGHTER]AND FINALLY, THE HOT NEW DANCE

CRAZE THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATIONOF BRAZIL.

THE SURRA DE BUNDA.

NOW, MY PORTUGUESE IS A LITTLE RUSTY, BUT I BELIEVE IT ROUGHLY

TRANSLATE TO "BUTT POUNDING."

[LAUGHTER]THAT'S THE MOST PLEASURABLE WAY

A MAN CAN BREAK HIS NOSE.

[LAUGHTER]ALRIGHT, YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS,

BUT TOSH.0 IS A LOT LIKE "THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW."

BOTH HAVE LESBIAN HOSTS WHO LOVETO DANCE IN THEIR OFFICE.

♪♪[LAUGHTER]

♪♪[LAUGHTER]

♪♪[LAUGHTER]

I HEAR NEXT WEEK WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE HR MEETING AT OUR OFFICE.

I WONDER WHAT TRIGGERED THAT.

NOW, IF WE CAN TAKE A SECOND TO TALK ABOUT HOW FAT, YOU THE FANS

ARE. HERE AT TOSH.0 WE'VE COME UP

WITH A VERY SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVEEXERCISE PROGRAM CALLED

PISS-UPS. I MADE IT MANDATORY THAT

EVERYONE IN OUR OFFICE DO THEM. AND NOW YOU CAN DO THEM AT HOME,

JUST BY FOLLOWING THIS BRIEF INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO.

>> PISS-UPS AND YOU INVOLVE FIVESIMPLE STEPS.

STEP ONE, GO TO THE BATHROOM.

ONCE INSIDE, YOU PEE INTO A TOILET.

STAND UP STRAIGHT.

FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

CUP YOUR PENIS AT THE TOP TO ENSURE A STRAIGHT ACCURATE

STREAM OF URINE.

STEP 2, WHEN FINISHED, CAREFULLYPUT YOUR PENIS BACK INTO YOUR

PANTS AND ZIP UP BEFORE WASHING YOUR HANDS.

STEP 3, EXIT THE BATHROOM.

STEP 4, OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM DOOR, GET DOWN AND PUSH-UP

POSITION AND DO TEN OR MORE PISS-UPS DEPENDING ON YOUR

ABILITY.

REMEMBER, BE A GOOD COLLEAGUE.

NEVER LET ANOTHER MAN PISS WITHOUT DOING HIS PISS-UPS.

AND YES, LADIES, YOU CAN DO THOSE ON YOUR KNEES GIRL-STYLE

PUSH-UPS.

BUT DON'T WHINE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING PAID LESS THAN A

MAN.

MAYBE START DOING REAL PUSHUPS AND REAL WORK AND THEN WE'LL

TALK.

UNTIL THEN, ZIP IT.

STEP 5, RETURN TO WORK AND THAT'S HOW YOU DO PISS-UPS.

[APPLAUSE]THANK YOU.

I'M DOING MY PART.

A NEW MOVIE.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS NEXT VIDEO SHOWS THAT THE

WESTIN IS THE HOTEL OF CHOICE

FOR ALL OLD CREEPY GAY STRONG

MEN FETISHES.

IS THIS ONE OF THOSE ROSIE

O'DONNELL CRUISES?

HE'S REALLY HAMMERING THAT OLD

MAN'S TITS.

[LAUGHTER]

EASY WITH THE FOREPLAY, BROS.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE TOO SORE TO

MAKE LOVE.

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T WANT

THE GAYS TO GET MARRIED.

TOO MUCH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

ALRIGHT, SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S

DRILLING.

[LAUGHTER]

[DRILLING NOISE]

ALRIGHT.

I JUST WANTED TO CHECK ON HOW MY

GRANDPA WAS DEALING WITH THE

>> ALL RIGHT, NICK, TELL ME

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

>> I BASICALLY WENT OUT FOR A

CIGARETTE BREAK, AND I GOT IN AN

ELEVATOR WHERE I'D BEEN WORKING

FOR 15 YEARS, AND ON THE WAY UP,

THE ELEVATOR GOT STUCK IN A

CONCRETE SHAFT.

>> YOU WERE IN THERE FOR

42 HOURS?

>> 40--AROUND 41 HOURS, YEAH.

>> OH.

HOW LONG WERE YOU IN THERE?

>> [laughing]

>> SO YOU WERE IN THERE FOR

42 HOURS.

YOU WERE GOING OR COMING FROM

YOUR SMOKE BREAK?

>> I WAS COMING BACK UP, GOING

BACK UP TO THE 43RD FLOOR,

SO IT WAS AN EXPRESS ELEVATOR

SHAFT.

FROM 0 TO 39 WAS JUST

CINDERBLOCK SHAFT.

>> OKAY, SO THERE'S NOTHING?

>> NO.

AND WHEN I DID OPEN THE DOORS,

THERE WERE THREE NUMBER 13s.

ONE IN CHALK,

ONE IN, LIKE, A SHARPIE PEN,

AND ONE IN RED PAINT.

I JUST OPENED UP THE DOORS

LIKE THIS.

EVENTUALLY, ONCE I WAS BRAVE

ENOUGH TO OPEN UP THE DOORS,

ALL I SAW WERE THREE NUMBER 13s.

>> WOW, I MEAN, THAT'S SPOOKY.

>> YEAH.

>> THAT'S HORROR MOVIE SPOOKY.

EVERYONE THAT PROBABLY WATCHES

THAT PROBABLY THINKS THEY COULD

THINK OF A WAY.

"THIS IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE

TO GET IN."

AND THERE REALLY, SOLIDLY

WASN'T--

THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO.

>> NO WAY. NO WAY.

>> DID YOU EVER GO UP THE TOP?

>> I TRIED.

I PUT MY FOOT, LIKE, UP ON THE

RAIL THERE, AND THEN, LIKE,

ONE MOVEMENT, I WOULD, LIKE,

PUSH MYSELF UP AND START

PUNCHING THE HATCH THERE,

BUT THE HATCH IS LOCKED BY LAW.

THE HATCH IS NOT THERE TO

GET OUT.

THE HATCH IS FOR PEOPLE TO COME

IN AND GET YOU.

PLUS, IF I TRIED TO PULL A

DIE HARD AND, LIKE, USE MY

POCKET LININGS TO CLIMB UP A

OILY ROPE, I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY

FELL DOWN THE SIDE WHERE THEY

HAVE ROOM FOR SOMEONE TO COME UP

THE SIDE AND GET YOU.

>> DID YOU EVER START

HALLUCINATING IN THERE?

>> YEAH, YOU GOT TO REMEMBER,

THE BELL WAS GOING OFF.

AS LONG AS I COULD POSSIBLY

STAND IT, THE BELL WAS GOING OFF

BECAUSE THERE'S A

CINDERBLOCK WALL.

ON THE OTHER SIDE, THE CLEANING

CREWS OVER THE WEEKEND OR

WHATEVER, MAYBE SOMEONE WILL

HEAR THE STUPID LITTLE BRASS

BELL THAT'S GOING "RING."

AND I SERIOUSLY HAD AURAL

HALLUCINATIONS.

I COULD MANIPULATE THAT SOUND...

[pitchy buzzing]

IN MY HEAD,

AND THAT ADDS A LITTLE BIT TO

THE, YOU KNOW, THE INCONVENIENCE

OF THE WHOLE SITUATION.

>> I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD HANDLE

TORTURE.

>> YEAH, MAYBE.

I HAD, LIKE, A BOOK OF MATCHES

AND THREE CIGARETTES, AND AT

ONE POINT--

>> OH, BURN THAT FUCKER DOWN.

>> AT ONE POINT, I LITERALLY

THOUGHT OF DROPPING A MATCH DOWN

THE SHAFT, HOPING THAT IT WOULD

CREATE SOME KIND OF FIRE, SO

YOU KNOW, AT SOME POINT I GUESS

I REALLY WAS LOSING IT.

I DID TRY PEEING DOWN THE

ELEVATOR SHAFT HOPING THAT IT

WOULD GO 13 FLOORS DOWN AND

MAYBE TRICKLE OUT THE BOTTOM OF

THE ELEVATOR--

>> SO YOU DID ACTUALLY PEE?

>> OH, YES. YES.

YEAH, EVENTUALLY I HAD TO PEE,

YEAH.

NO, NO.

>> HOW SOON TILL YOU LAID DOWN?

>> YOU TRY TO PUT THAT OFF TILL

THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT

BECAUSE YOU KEEP LOOKING DOWN AT

THIS CARPET THAT'S FULL OF

TOENAILS AND FINGERNAILS AND ALL

THE OTHER KIND OF STUFF--

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHO'S CLIPPING THEIR NAILS IN AN

ELEVATOR?

>> I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW, BUT THEY WERE DOWN

THERE, BELIEVE ME.

>> NO, I TRUST THAT YOU

INSPECTED EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT

ELEVATOR.

DID YOU SMOKE IN THE ELEVATOR?

>> I DID, YES. SURE.

UNFORTUNATELY, I ONLY HAD--

>> THAT'S AGAINST THE LAW.

>> I KNOW, AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT

GET BUSTED TOO, SO I WAITED A

WHILE, BUT THEN AFTER--

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET

CAUGHT AND YELLED AT.

>> WHAT WAS THE WEIGHT LIMIT OF

THAT ELEVATOR?

>> I HAVE NO IDEA.

>> YOU DIDN'T READ THAT?

>> NO, THERE WASN'T A POSTING

THERE.

THERE WAS NOTHING TO READ

IN THERE.

>> AH, THIS IS WORST ELEVATOR

EVER.

>> I KNOW. I KNOW.

>> ARE YOU SCARED OF ELEVATORS

SINCE?

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD NOT TO

THINK ABOUT IT.

WHEN YOU GO ON AN ELEVATOR,

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, THIS KIND OF

REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING."

>> WOULD HAVE YOU RATHER HAVE

BEEN STUCK IN THERE WITH

SOMEBODY ELSE OR WERE YOU GLAD

THAT YOU WERE ALONE?

>> NO, I WAS VERY GLAD I WAS

ALONE.

IN HINDSIGHT, IF YOU THINK ABOUT

IT, IT'S BETTER TO BE ALONE.

IT'S BETTER TO BE ALONE, LIKE,

EVEN NO MATTER HOW GOOD-LOOKING

THEY ARE, YOU WANT TO BE ALONE

ONCE YOU'RE, YOU KNOW,

GOING THROUGH THE...

>> WHO WOULD RATHER BE STUCK IN

AN ELEVATOR WITH,

KATIE HOLMES OR PENELOPE CRUZ?

>> OH, WOW.

UM...

NO IDEA.

>> THE ANSWER IS PENELOPE CRUZ.

KATIE HOLMES IS DISGUSTING.

WHAT GAMES DID YOU PLAY IN

THERE?

>> I DID ALL SORTS OF THINGS.

LIKE I MENTIONED, I DID MY

WALLET SOLITAIRE.

I PRACTICED THE INSTANT FETAL

POSITION DANCE.

>> I DON'T KNOW THAT DANCE.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW THE

INSTANT FETAL--

LIKE, IMMEDIATELY, YOU GO INTO A

FETAL POSITION, AND YOU KNOW,

THAT WAS WAS, UM, NOT FUNNY.

>> THAT'S A DANCE?

>> NO.

[laughs]

>> DID YOU REALIZE THE SECURITY

CAMERAS WERE ON YOU?

>> YES, I DID.

YOU ARE CONSTANTLY AWARE THAT

THE CAMERAS ARE ON YOU, AND I

FIGURED AT FIRST THAT SOMEONE

MIGHT BE WATCHING 'EM.

>> DID THAT DETER OR MOTIVATE

YOU TO MASTURBATE?

>> EVERYBODY ASKS THAT QUESTION.

YOU EVER SEE THE YOUTUBE, LIKE,

COMMENTS?

LIKE, EVERY DAY THERE'S

SOMETHING.

"HOW COULD THAT GUY NOT

JERK OFF?"

>> I'VE NEVER GONE 42 HOURS

WITHOUT JERKING OFF.

>> THERE'S SOMETHING TOTALLY

UNEROTIC ABOUT BEING STUCK IN AN

ELEVATOR WITH A CAMERA ON YOU.

>> [sighs]

I DON'T KNOW.

ABOUT MINUTE 14, I'D BE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, THIS IS CLEARLY NOT

GONNA END WELL.

I MIGHT AS FINISH UP."

DID YOU GET PAID?

YOU DIDN'T SUE?

>> YEAH, I SUED FOR FOUR YEARS,

AND YOU KNOW, 9/11 WAS RIGHT IN

THE MIDDLE OF IT, AND AFTER

9/11, PEOPLE DIDN'T WANT TO

WORRY ABOUT ONE LITTLE GUY IN AN

ELEVATOR.

>> HOW LONG AFTER THIS DID YOU

START TO DEVELOP ACTUALLY A GOOD

SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT IT?

>> YEAH, AS SOON AS THE LAWSUIT

WAS OVER.

>> AS SOON AS YOU REALIZED YOU

WEREN'T GONNA GET PAID OFF OF

IT, YOU'RE LIKE, "I MIGHT AS

WELL LAUGH ABOUT IT"?

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE CELEBRATION

AT THE END?

>> AT THE VERY--

FIRST OF ALL, I WOKE UP TO THIS

GUY SAYING, "IS THERE SOMEONE IN

THERE?" OVER THE INTERCOM.

I WAS, LIKE, DOWN FOR THE COUNT.

I WAS, LIKE--IT WAS BRIGHT IN

THERE.

I USED MY WALLET TO COVER MY

EYES, MY SHOES AS A PILLOW,

AND I WAS, LIKE, OUT OF IT.

I WASN'T REALLY ASLEEP.

I WAS OUT OF IT, AND I HEAR THIS

VOICE, "IS THERE SOMEONE

IN THERE?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH."

AND HE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

DOING IN THERE?"

I MEAN LITERALLY, HE'S LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

DO YOU HAVE I.D.?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT?"

HE SAID, "ALL RIGHT, THERE'LL BE

A MECHANIC HERE IN 40 MINUTES"

OR WHATEVER.

AND THE MECHANIC CAME OVER.

HE DID A FEW THINGS, AND I

OPENED THE DOOR A LITTLE BIT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO, LIKE, STOP AND

BREAK THE ELEVATOR.

I OPEN THE DOOR A LITTLE BIT,

AND I SAW THE CINDERBLOCK WALL

MOVING SLOWLY.

I WAS LIKE, "YO, I'M GOING

DOWN."

SO FINALLY, I WAITED, I WAITED,

I WAITED, AND IT TAKES A

LONG TIME AT THAT, KIND OF,

SLOW PACE TO GO DOWN 13 FLOORS.

SO EVENTUALLY, I WANTED TO

LOOK AGAIN.

I LOOKED, AND THERE WAS AN

OPENING.

I WAS IN THE LOBBY, RIGHT?

AND IT WAS, LIKE, THIS MUCH

BELOW THE LINE OF THE ELEVATOR.

AND I WAS LIKE, "SCREW THAT,"

AND I VAULTED MYSELF OUT OF

THERE, AND I LOOKED UP AND I

COULD SEE FOR THE FIRST TIME

FURTHER THAN 10 FEET, 20 FEET.

MY EYES WENT, LIKE, THIS,

AND THERE ALL THESE DUDES

HANGING AROUND THE WRONG

ELEVATOR.

LIKE, RIGHT TO THE END,

THEY WERE FUCKING IDIOTS.

>> [laughing]

>> THEY'RE ALL HANGING AROUND

THE WRONG ELEVATOR WITH A STOOL

FOR ME TO SIT DOWN ON.

>> OH, FUCK IT.

THAT'S BRILLIANT.

THAT'S BRILLIANT.

THEY WERE AT THE WRONG ELEVATOR.

SO THERE WAS NO CELEBRATION.

THERE WAS NO HUG.

OH, MAN.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT WE'D LIKE TO

DO--I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE

EXCITED ABOUT THIS OR NOT--

BUT I'D LIKE TO BREAK YOUR WORLD

RECORD.

>> 42 HOURS?

>> WE GOT TO--I'D LIKE TO

DESTROY THE RECORD.

>> WOW, WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT,

IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH, BUT LET'S

GO FOR IT.

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