October 22, 2013 - Redemption Reunion Spectacular

  • 10/22/2013

Daniel remembers his early days acting in commercials and plays some dirty bathroom games.

THIS NEXT JESUS FREAKWILL MAKE YOU THANK GOD

YOU PACKED YOURNOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES.

- [screaming]YOU'RE...MY...

SAV...IOR!

- SHE JUST FOUND OUTTHE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE

IS AFTER EARTH.

I CAN'T BELIEVETHEY DIDN'T MAKE HER CHECK

HER OVERSIZEDEMOTIONAL BAGGAGE.

BUT IF SHE YELLS "ALLAH AKBAR,"THE SKY POLICE OPEN FIRE.

[chime]

- UH, THIS IS GOD,YOUR COPILOT, SPEAKING.

COULD THE WOMAN IN 25AKINDLY SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE?

REMEMBER,IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY,

YOUR SEAT CUSHION CAN BE USED

TO SUFFOCATETHE CRAZY PERSON NEXT TO YOU.

YOU HAVE MY BLESSING.

BY THE WAY,I AM OMNIPOTENT.

SO IF YOU ATTEMPT TO DISABLETHE SMOKE DETECTOR

IN THE BATHROOM,I WILL KNOW.

I LET MY OWN KID DIE.

DON'T THINKI WON'T CRUCIFY YOUR ASS.

NOW, EVERYONE BUCKLE UP

'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO BARREL ROLLTHIS MOTHER[bleep].

THAT'S NOT VERY REALISTIC.

GOD DOESN'T CAREABOUT PEOPLE IN COACH.

POVERTY IS MOREOF A JESUS THING.

NOW, LET'S SEE THE KINGON HIS THRONE.

- OH, [bleep].

[screaming]

- PRINCE HARRY'SUP TO HIS USUAL ANTICS.

SURE, MY OMELET RECIPETAKES A LITTLE LONGER,

BUT YOU'LL TASTETHE DIFFERENCE.

I REALLY FEELLIKE HE SHOULD BE DROWNING.

WHATEVER.

IT'S HIS FAULTFOR NOT LOCKING THE DOOR.

YOU STARTWITH TOSSING RAW EGGS,

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,YOU'RE PECKER-DEEP IN POULTRY.

I'VE SEEN ITA THOUSAND TIMES.

- OH, SORRY.WHAT THE...

- IT'S COOL, DUDE.

SHE JUST GOT TESTEDFOR SALMONELLA.

NOT TO BRAG,BUT I HAVE TO USE CHICKENS

BECAUSE CORNISH GAME HENSARE A BIT TOO SNUG.

- LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

- I'M BECOMING TRAPPEDIN A BALLOON.

- TO REDEEM IS TO RESTOREA PERSON'S WORTH.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY TOSH.0 WAS CREATED--

TO BRING HONOR BACKTO THE PSYCHOPATHS

WHO LOST IT ON THE INTERNET.

LIKE LANE KIFFIN,

THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEENON MY SHOW

ARE ALL FAMOUSFOR BEING FAILURES.

I KNOW I'VE CHANGED THEIR LIVESFOR THE BETTER,

BUT HAS ANYBODY TRULYACHIEVED REDEMPTION?

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAITUNTIL YOU DIE

AND GOD.0 COMES ON.

I ALWAYS GET ASKEDIF I KEEP IN TOUCH

WITH THE PEOPLE I'VE REDEEMED.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I CAN BARELY TOLERATESPEAKING TO FRIENDS

I'VE KNOWN FOR DECADES.

THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERTO THE QUESTION

"WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" IS,"WHO GIVES A [bleep]?"

HOWEVER, I DO LIKE THE IDEAOF RECYCLING OLD MATERIAL

BY PRETENDING THE FANSARE CLAMORING FOR AN UPDATE.

IF BRAVO CAN DO ITONCE A WEEK,

I CAN CERTAINLY DO IT ONCEEVERY FIVE YEARS.

THAT'S WHY I TEXTED FANNY,

AND THEN HAD MY PRODUCERGET A HOLD

OF THE REST OF THESE FREAKS

FOR THE FIRST EVER "TOSH.OH,THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE UP TO NOW"

REDEMPTION REUNIONSPECTACULAR.

FIVE YEARS AGO,A MIDDLE-AGED MAN WITH A VACUUM

GOT INSIDE A BALLOON,AND OUR HEARTS.

PLEASE WELCOME, THE PRIDEOF CHICAGO, BALLOON BILL.

- HEY, EVERYBODY.

- BEFORE WE BEGIN,I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU WERE MY FAVORITEWEB REDEMPTION BY A MILE.

- WELL, I'M REALLY HONORED.- DID YOU MISS ME?

- WELL, I CONSTANTLY DO THINKOF YOU AT TIMES.

- ANY DEPRESSING STORIESABOUT YOUR HEALTH

YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?

- [sighs]

WELL, JUST I'VE GONE THROUGHSOME ROUGH PATCHES

THESE PAST FOUR YEARS.

I WOUND UP HAVING TO GOTO THE HOSPITAL, I PASSED OUT.

- AND WHAT WAS WRONG?- STILL DON'T REALLY KNOW.

AND ANOTHER THING,I HAD TO GO UNDER THE KNIFE.

I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOUWHERE IT WAS.

OH, BOY.- OH, NO.

TELL ME WHERE IT WAS?

- GROIN AREA.

- WAS IT ON YOUR PENIS?- NO.

- GENITALS?- YEAH.

- FULLY RECOVERED?- FROM THAT, YES.

- THERE'S MORE?

- ABOUT A DAY AFTER I GOT OUTOF THE HOSPITAL FOR THAT,

I WOUND UPWITH A SLIGHT HEART ATTACK.

- THEY HAVE TO CUT YOU OPEN?

- THEY CUT A SMALL HOLEIN MY THIGH

AND USED A BALLOON OF SORTSTO OPEN THE ARTERY.

- IRONY.- HMM.

- TELL ME WHAT'S BEEN GOING ONIN YOUR LIFE.

- I MET SOMEONE ON IMVU.- THAT'S A WEBSITE.

- YEAH, IT'S AN INTERACTIVEAVATAR CHAT SITE.

- THIS IS FOR A BUNCH OF FREAKSWHO LIKE TO CATFISH EACH OTHER.

- WE STARTED CHATTING,MARIE AND I.

- UH-HUH.- AND, UH...

ONE THINGJUST LED TO ANOTHER.

- DID YOU KISS?

- ISN'T THAT RATHER OBVIOUS?- YEAH!

IS YOUR GIRLFRIENDA REAL PERSON,

OR DID YOU JUST DRAWA GIRL'S FACE ON A BALLOON?

- SHE'S REAL.

DEFINITELY REAL.

- ARE YOU STILL MESSING AROUNDWITH BALLOONS AT ALL?

- YES, I AM.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY BALLOON DREAMSIN THE FUTURE?

- HARD TO SAY.

- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU CRIED, AND WHY?

- A FRIEND OF MINE WAS WRITINGA SCI-FI FANTASY STORY.

I JUST SHOTA FEW LITTLE SUGGESTIONS.

I WOULDN'T REALLY SAY"SUGGESTIONS."

I DRESSED THAT AVATARIN A GENERAL'S UNIFORM.

YEAH, ON IMVU,YOU DO HAVE TO BUY THE OUTFITS.

- WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DOWITH YOU CRYING?

- OKAY, I'M GETTING TO THATRIGHT NOW.

- OH, GOOD LORD, BILL.

- ALL THE TIMELINESGOT DRAWN IN.

SHE DIED AS A RESULT.

HMM.OH, GOD.

- THAT'S A GOOD STORY.

- AS IT WENT,OR IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE STORY,

WELL, MY CHARACTER NEARLYCRAWLED INTO A WHISKEY BOTTLE.

- CRAWLED INTO A WHISKEY BOTTLE?- FIGURATIVELY.

- SURE.

BILL, WHAT IF WE NEVERSEE EACH OTHER AGAIN?

- I'M NOT SURE, REALLY.

- YOU'VE ALWAYS STRUGGLEDWITH GOOD-BYES, BILL.

HAVE YOU GOTTEN BETTER?

- YEAH.I BELIEVE I HAVE.

- WELL, THERE'S ONE UP NOTE.

- WHAT'S THAT?[laughing]

- IT'S BEEN A PRETTY DEPRESSINGFOUR YEARS.

I'LL CHECK BACK ININ FIVE.

- ALL RIGHT.

- SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,

SHE'S TALENTED,AND BEST OF ALL,

THE 15-YEAR-OLD RISKY BUSINESS GIRL IS FINALLY LEGAL.

PLEASE WELCOME FANNY.

[cheers and applause]

BEFORE WE BEGIN,I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT YOU ARE BY FAR AND AWAY

MY FAVORITE WEB REDEMPTIONTHAT I'VE EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW.

- THANK YOU.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU?- 19.

- 19 YEARS OLD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOINGWITH YOUR LIFE NOW?

- SCHOOL.

- YOU'RE MODELING?- YEAH.

- DO YOU ENJOY IT?- YEAH, I DO.

- LET'S HAVE A LOOK ATSOME OF YOUR MODELING PICTURES.

DO YOU KNIT?- NO.

- BUT YOU WERE ON THE COVEROF THAT MAGAZINE.

- YEAH.

- HAVE YOU MADEOTHER FUNNY VIDEOS?

- OH, GOD, NO.

- DO YOU FILM YOURSELFDOING ANYTHING?

- NO.

- DO YOU THINK I'M CREEPY?- NO.

- ARE YOU ON THE PILL?

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

- YEAH, I DO.- SHHHH.

HOW LONG HAVE YOUAND YOUR BOYFRIEND BEEN DATING?

- LIKE TWO YEARS.

- IS HE A MILLIONAIRE?- [laughs]

- HAVE YOU DATED ANY OLDER MEN?- NO.

- I'M GONNA THROW OUTA NUMBER.

YOU TELL ME IF IT MAKES YOUSICK TO YOUR STOMACH.

- OKAY, OKAY.- 38.

- YEAH, THAT MAKES ME SICKTO MY STOMACH.

- LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PARTOF YOUR BODY?

- MY HAIR.

- WHAT'S MY FAVORITE PARTOF YOUR BODY?

DO YOU STILL HAVE THE UNDERWEARYOU WORE IN THAT REDEMPTION?

- NO.- OH.

IN 2009,A BLACK MAN WITH A FAKE AFRO

HELPED ME INTRODUCETO THE WORLD THE WEB REDEMPTION.

YOU KNOW HIM AS AFRO NINJA,

BUT TO ME, HE WILL ALWAYSBE KNOWN AS MY FIRST.

WELCOME STUNT MAN EXTRAORDINAIREMARK HICKS.

- WHOA!

- SEEMS EXTREMELY UNNECESSARY.MARK?

- DANIEL.- HAVE A SEAT.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MAN.- NICE TO SEE YOU.

SO WHAT...

STUNTS!

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THATBY FAR AND AWAY

YOU WERE MY FAVORITEWEB REDEMPTION

THAT I'VE EVER DONE.

- THEY SAY SOMETHING ABOUTTHE FIRST IS ALWAYS SPECIAL.

- DOES THAT MAKE YOU PROUDTO BE A PART OF TV HISTORY?

- YEAH, I GUESS SO.

- DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHINGDIFFERENT ABOUT ME?

- NO.

- WHEN I SHOT THAT WITH YOUFIVE YEARS AGO,

I WAS BALDING.

BUT YEARS OF NEEDLES TO MY HEAD,PILLS, AND CREAMS,

AND WHA?

LOOK WHAT I'M DEALING WITH.

WE'RE GOING TO CUTTO THAT OLD FOOTAGE.

[inaudible]LOOK AT THAT HEAD.

YOU WERE A PART OF OUR PILOT

BEFORE IT EVEN GOT PICKED UPTO BE ON TELEVISION.

BASICALLY, I'M NOT GOINGTO PAY YOU EXTRA FOR THIS,

BUT THE REALITY IS YOU WERE

WHAT SOLD THE SHOWTO THE NETWORK.

- OKAY.

- DO YOU STILL GET RESIDUALSFROM OUR EPISODE?

- I WAS SUPPOSEDTO GET RESIDUALS?

- HOW'S THE STUNT MAN BUSINESSTREATING YOU LATELY?

- A FEW YEARS AGO, I WORKED ONA FILM CALLED FAST FIVE.

- WE ACTUALLY HAVE A SCENEFROM FAST FIVE.

I'D LIKE TO WATCH THAT.

[thrilling music]

- [screams]

- WHO IS BETTER LOOKINGIN PERSON, ME OR PAUL WALKER?

- OOH.

- THE FACT THAT YOU HAVETO THINK ABOUT THAT...

- YOU KNOW--YEAH.- IS ENOUGH FOR ME.

I'LL TAKE IT.

WOULD YOU SAYBEING ON THIS SHOW

WAS THE HIGHLIGHTOF YOUR CAREER?

- NO.NO.

- WELL, MARK, YOU DEFINITELYMADE MY LIFE A LOT BETTER.

I HONESTLY WOULDN'T HAVESOLD THE SHOW WITHOUT YOU.

SO A SINCERE THANK YOU.

- IT'S MY PLEASURE.- ALL RIGHT, MAN.

GOOD SEEING YOU.- TAKE CARE.

- ALL RIGHT.- EXCUSE ME.

- STUNTS.

OUR NEXT GUEST IS ARGUABLYOUR MOST FAMOUS REDEMPTION.

HE LOOKS A LITTLE DIFFERENTTHAN THE FIRST TIME WE SAW HIM.

IT'S CHRIS CROCKER.

- HEY.- HOW ARE YOU, BUDDY?

- GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?- HAVE A SEAT.

BEFORE WE BEGIN,

I WANT YOU TO KNOWTHAT YOU ARE BY FAR AND AWAY

MY MOST FAVORITE WEB REDEMPTIONTHAT I'VE EVER SHOT.

- REALLY?

- THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU,

YOU WERE DEFINITELY CHANNELINGMORE YOUR FEMININE SIDE.

- I WAS GOINGTO GET BREAST IMPLANTS.

- MM-HMM.- THE LAST TIME YOU'D SEEN ME.

AND I WAS LIKE,BEFORE I COMMIT TO THAT,

I WANNA SEE IF I LIKE LIVINGAS A GUY FIRST

BEFORE I JUSTMAKE THAT PERMANENT.

- I DON'T KNOWIF I'M LATE TO THE GAME,

BUT ARE YOU TELLING METHAT YOU'RE GAY?

- I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.

- WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?- I'VE DONE A LOT.

I'VE BEEN DABBLING IN MUSIC,I DID A PORN.

- SO YOU'RE IN FILM?- I'M IN FILM.

SO THE PORN HAPPENED

BECAUSE I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIPFOR THREE YEARS.

I WANTED TO BUY A HOUSE.

I WAS LIKE,I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE

CHRIS CROCKER MONEYFOREVER,

WHATEVER THE [bleep]CHRIS CROCKER MONEY IS.

SO I WAS LIKE,"LET'S DO A PORN."

- WE ACTUALLY HAVE A SCENEFROM IT RIGHT NOW.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.- IS IT ACTUALLY SHOWING A CLIP?

OH.[laughs]

[moaning]

- ALL THESE GIRLS--THESE CHICKS--

KIM KARDASHIAN,PARIS HILTON--

THEY PRETENDED IT WAS LEAKED.BUT BECAUSE I OWNED IT...

THAT'S ONE REASONI WANTED TO DO IT.

I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT,IF I'M GOING TO DO THIS

AND LET THE WORLDSEE ME GET SCREWED,

I'M GONNA SAY I DID A PORN.

- HORRIBLE DOUBLE STANDARD.

IS YOUR [bleep]HOLEBLEACHED?

- IT'S NOT, BUT IT SHOULD'VEBEEN FOR THE PORN.

BUT I'M NOT A BOTTOM.

I ALWAYS SAY, DON'T BE FOOLEDBY THE LIMP WRIST

BECAUSE MY DICK AIN'T LIMP.

SO I'M A TOP, AMERICA,JUST SO YOU KNOW.

- I THINK THAT'S GOODTHAT WE GET THAT OUT THERE.

DID--WHAT HAPPENEDTO YOUR CHAIR?

SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER

- WHAT'S BETTERTHAN HITTING THE MALL?

- HITTING ITWITH A NERF SLING SLOT.

- ALLOW US TO DEMONSTRATEPROPER USAGE WHILST YOU FROLIC.

- TARGET LOCATED!

both: LONG DISTANCE![girls screaming]

- YOU GOTTA LOVE IT.

- LIKE WE LOVE MIMES?- DEFINITELY.

both: NOT!

- SETH GREEN.TALENTED, HARD-WORKING, SURE.

BUT I'LL BE DAMNEDIF HE DOESN'T CLIMB ON A STOOL

AND STARE INTO THE MIRROREVERY DAY AND SAY,

"I'M THE LUCKIESTNORFIN TROLL EVER."

NO ONE WANTS TO DOCOMMERCIALS.

BUT FOR MOST OF US CELEBRITIES,IT WAS A NECESSARY EVIL.

SADLY, THE INTERNET UNCOVERSALL OUR SHAMEFUL SECRETS.

HERE'S A RARE OUTTAKE FROM THEFIRST COMMERCIAL I EVER BOOKED.

- ♪ MY BUDDY - ♪ MY BUDDY

- ♪ MY BUDDY - ♪ MY BUDDY

- CAN WE CUT?

I'M SORRYBUT IT FEELS AN AWFUL LOT

LIKE I'M PLAYINGWITH A DOLL HERE.

- NOPE, IT'S A MY BUDDY.

- I HEAR YA,BUT LET'S BE REAL.

THIS IS JUST A DOLLFOR LITTLE SISSY BOYS, RIGHT?

- JUST PLAY WITH IT.

- [bleep] THIS.YOU PLAY WITH IT.

THE ONLY DOLLS A MANSHOULD PLAY WITH ARE INFLATABLE.

AFTER THAT,MY MOTHER QUIT HER JOB

TO BECOMEA FULL-TIME STAGE MOM,

AND WE LIVEDIN HER TEAL BLUE SKYLARK

FOR THREE FULL WEEKSBEFORE MY NEXT GIG.

WE'RE STILL AT THE MALL.

YOU'RE MAKING CHICKEN ANDSTOVE TOP STUFFING FOR DINNER?

- WE'RE HAVING STOVE TOP?WITH CELERY AND ONION?

- WHAT TIME?6:00?

- 9:00?CAN DANIEL EAT AT OUR HOUSE?

- NO!9:00?

WHO HAS DINNER AT 9:00?WHAT ARE YOU, SPANISH?

IT'S NOT HEALTHY.

YOUR BODY NEEDS TIME TO DIGESTBEFORE BEDTIME.

SORRY.

I'M NOT GOINGTO DRAG ASS TOMORROW

BECAUSE I HAD TWO MICROWAVEABLETHANKSGIVING DINNERS.

THEN, I THOUGHTMY NEXT BIG BREAK

WAS WHEN I LANDED A GIGACTING LIKE A GIANT FRUIT.

[Latin percussive beat]

- CUT.WHAT ARE YOU?

- I'M A DATE,AND PEOPLE LOVE DATES.

- YOU LOOK LIKE A TURD.

- THE LEAFY GUYISN'T EVEN A FRUIT.

FINE! I DON'T WANNA SELLYOUR OLD MAN UNDERWEAR ANYWAY.

I'VE BEEN A BVD MANEVER SINCE.

OF COURSE MY JEALOUS BROTHER

COULDN'T STAND TO SEE MEIN THE SPOTLIGHT,

SO HE GOTINTO THE BIZ AS WELL.

- ♪ A DOUBLE PLEASUREIS WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ A DOUBLE PLEASUREFROM DOUBLEMINT GUM ♪

♪ A DOUBLE GREAT FEELING,MAKING YOU REALIZE ♪

♪ DOUBLEMINT'STHE ONE FOR YOU ♪

♪ DOUBLE FRESH,DOUBLE SMOOTH ♪

♪ DOUBLE DELICIOUS TO CHEW

♪ A DOUBLE PLEASURE'SWAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ DOUBLEMINT GUM

♪ A DOUBLE PLEASURE'SWAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ DOUBLEMINT GUM

- NOBODY ROCKS A ONE-PIECELIKE THE TOSH TWINS.

THAT WAS A FUN WALKDOWN MEMORY LANE.

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