September 10, 2013 - U-S-A Chant Fail

  • 09/10/2013

Daniel redeems the proudest American and finds out what really goes on inside a girls' locker room.

>> Tosh: NOBODY TELL HIM WITH

THE SPARE KEY.

ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, IF YOU EVER

HAD A GIRLS LOCKER ROOM FANTASY

THIS OUGHT TO RUIN IT.

>> READY?

LOOK AT THIS.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT, ONE OF YOU

IS EATING MORE THAN JUST FRENCH

FRIES AT LUNCH.

>> READY, GO.

>> Tosh: I THINK IT JUST WINKED

AT THEM.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Tosh: COME ON, LADIES, USE

YOUR PEE TO LASER IT IN HALF AND

THEN FLUSH IT DOWN.

THAT'S PLUMBING 101.

IS ISN'T ELSE CONCERNED THERE'S

NO TOILET PAPER.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE NINE FOR IX

ON ESPN.

THIS TAKES ME BACK JUST A FEW

SHORT YEARS AGO.

>> I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE

USED THE TOILET.

>> Tosh: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD

HAVE USED IT SIX YEARS AGO.

SORRY, BUDDY.

LET'S NOT DO THE MATH ON THAT.

EVEN ASIAN PEOPLE HAVE TO ADMIT

A LOT OF THESE KIDS LOOK

SIMILAR.

ALL THIS [BLEEP]ING AROUND IS

WHY THE iPHONE 5-S IS WHY IT'S

TAKING SO LONG.

EVERY PING PONG PADDLE IS

PERSONALLY TESTED BY THE CHILD

WHO MAKES IT.

WHEN AGE DO THEY START USING

THAT RIDICULOUS HAND GRIP?

COMMUNISTS LOVE DOGS THINGS IN

LINE.

YES, IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING

THEY KILLED THE LEFTY AS IS

APPROPRIATE.

I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU CHINA.

IN CAN TAKE ALL THOSE KIDS ON AT

ONCE.

IN CASE YOU'RE

THE HILL.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> BUTTWATER, BUTTWATER.

OH, MY GOD.

>> Tosh: WHAT AN [BLEEP].

NOW, LET'S WATCH FLORIDA BEING

FLORIDA IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

>> BUTTWATER, BUTTWATER,

BUTTWATER.

>> YOU CAN TELL IT'S ORLANDO.

IF YOU SAY HIS NAME THREE TIMES

HE'LL APPEAR.

HIS LAWN'S GETTING WATER AND

FERTILIZED AT THE SAME TIME.

IF MILEY TAUGHT US ANYTHING IS

YOU CAN HAVE A GROSS ASS AND GET

TONS OF ATTENTION.

>> HERE HE GOES AGAIN.

>> Tosh: I'D PUT MY THUMB OVER

IT TO GET SOME DISTANCE.

KEEP IN MIND, THESE ARE THE

PEOPLE WHO DECIDED THE LAST FOUR

ELECTIONS.

ANY CHANCE HE'S NOT USING THE

HOSE AND GOING STRAIGHT TOLD

SPIGOT.

>> HERE WE GO.

WATCH OUT!

>> Tosh: TWO ENCORES?

BUTTWATER THINKS HE'S PAUL

MCCARTNEY.

CLOSING SPEED FOR A GUY PINCHING

A GAL ON OF WATER IN HIS ANUS.

THANKS FOR COMING TO MY

BARBECUE.

HE'S BEEN BUTT-IZED.

LADIES, POOP WATER?

NO?

FOR THAT WE THANK YOU AND ANY

LOVE MAKING PROWESS IS STUFF OF

LEGEND AND I'M READY TO SHARE

TECHNIQUES WITH THE WORLD AND I

PROUDLY GIVE YOU MY 100% ORGASM

GUARANTEED "TOSH.0" SEX POSITION

OF THE WEEK.

>> IN THIS POSITION THE WOMAN'S

FACING THE MAN'S LAP FACING

FORWARD.

THEY BOTH PUT THEIR HANDS IN THE

AIR AND SCREAM AS IF ON A ROLLER

COASTER.

AT THE MOMENT OF CLIMAX A

STRANGER COMES AND TAKES THE

PICTURE.

YOU CAN THEN HAVE THE OPTION TO

PURCHASE THE PICTURES FOR $12

AND THAT'S HOW YOU PERFORM THE

ROLLER COASTER.

>> OKAY, NEW YORKERS THIS ISN'T

ALWAYS APPROPRIATE BUT IT IS

TODAY SO ANYBODY WITH A PAIR,

JOIN ME, USA, USA, COME ON, USA,

USA, ANYBODY GIVE A [BLEEP]?

USA!

USA!

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO ALL THE

MILITARY.

EVERYONE WHO PROTECTS YOU WHILE

YOU SLEEP.

>> Tosh: THAT FRUSTRATED PATRIOT

IS JONATHAN AND THE FORGOT THE

NUMBER ONE RULE ON A SUBWAY,

SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.

HE WAS JUST TRYING TO THE CHANT

GOING THE DAY AFTER WE KILLED

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

UNFORTUNATELY CHANT DON'T WORK

OR CHANTING DEREK JETER WOULD

MAKE HIM A MASCOT.

TOMORROW IS SEPTEMBER 11.

AMERICA'S SADDEST HOLIDAY.

YOU MIAMI REMEMBER IT AS THE DAY

BEN FOLDS RELEASED HIS FIRST

SOLO ALBUM.

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SAY IT WAS

AN INSIDE JOB.

YOU KNOW WHO'S TOO LAZY TRYING

TO PLAN AN ATTACK IS PEOPLE IN

AMERICA.

I GET ANGRY SPELLING

AFGHANISTAN.

HAND IT TO TERRORISTS THEY'RE

NOTHING IF NOT INVENTIVE.

THE WORSE I CAN DO WITH A

PRESSURE COOKER IS MAKE BURNT

RISOTTO.

SURE, 9-11 WAS A LOT FOR THE

COUNTRY TO HANDLE ESPECIALLY OFF

THE HEELS OF Y2K BUT I WATCH

MILLION DOLLAR LISTINGS AND NEW

YORK CITY IS BACK.

I'LL WAIT FOR A COMIC NO ONE HAS

HEARD OF TO GET WASTED AND

EXPLAIN IT AND JONATHAN'S HEART

WAS ON THE RIGHT PLACE AND I

FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

>> GOD BLESS YOU, JONATHAN.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

>> Tosh: IT'S ME DANIEL.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE RICH.

>> Tosh: I'M ADEQUATELY

COMPENSATED.

I LIVE ON MY PANHANDLE MONEY.

MY NETWORK KNOWS NOT TO REPLACE

THE HIGHEST RATED SHOW WITH

JIMMY FOLLOWON.

WHERE YOU FROM?

>> TEXAS.

THAT EXPLAINS A LOT BECAUSE I

FEEL PEOPLE FROM TEXAS ARE

GENUINELY PRIDEFUL OF OUR

COUNTRY.

>> TEXAS FIRST, YEAH BUT YEAH,

USA'S NUMBER ONE.

>> Tosh: WHY IS TEXAS SO FAR AND

AWAY THE BEST STATE IN THE

COUNTRY?

>> WE'RE THE ONLY STATE TO HAVE

BEEN A COUNTRY ITSELF FOR TEN

YEARS AND A

>> I WAS HEADING HOME FROM WORK

ON THE L TRAIN.

>> Tosh: WHY'D YOU MAKE THE

VIDEO.

>> THE NIGHT BEFORE WE KILLED

OSAMA BIN LADEN AND I WAS RIDING

THAT HIGH.

EARLIER I WAS GROUND ZERO,

CHANTING USA FIREFIGHTERS.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE A TRUE AMERICAN.

>> I WANTED TO MAKE A VIDEO

AFTER WE MURDERED OSAMA BIN

LADEN AND I PRESSED RECORD AND

GOT A SHOT AND THOUGHTITE GET

ONE OR TWO PEOPLE.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG UNTIL YOU

STOPPED.

>> A FEW MINUTES.

>> Tosh: IT WAS AWKWARD?

>> MORE AWKWARD THAN ANYTHING ON

THE VIDEO.

I PUT IT ON YOUTUBE ANY WAY.

>> Tosh: YOU PUT IT ON ANY WAY?

>> IT WAS FOR POSTERITY.

ON SO MANY LEVELS IT WAS

INTERESTING TO WATCH.

ARE YOU USUALLY A BETTER LEADER?

>> I'M A BETTER LEADER BUT I

DON'T LIKE TO FLAUNT IT.

>> Tosh: HOW OLD WERE YOU.

>> 19.

>> Tosh: DID YOU JOIN?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: DID YOU SHOOT A GUN?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: ARE YOU KILLED A

TERRORIST?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE

CONSIDER NEW YORK CITY THE

GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD?

>> WHAT'S THE SECOND GREATEST?

>> AUSTIN, TEXAS BUT THOSE ARE

THE TWO PLACES I SPENT THE MOST.

MAYBE ISTANBUL.

>> Tosh: SURE, NEW YORK, AUSTIN,

ISTANBUL.

WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON CANADA?

>> THEY'RE INSIGNIFICANT.

>> Tosh: THAT MAKES ME LAUGH.

WHO'S THE MOST PATRIOTIC

AMERICAN?

>> DANIEL DAY LEWIS.

>> Tosh: HE'S NOT AMERICAN.

>> HE'S THE MOST AMERICAN

NON-AMERICAN.

>> Tosh: YOU INTO POLITICS?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE

COUNTRY.

>> WE HAVE A DUMBING DOWN OF

POLITICS.

>> Tosh: DO YOU WATCH HOUSE OF

CARDS?

>> I WASH THAT SHOW.

>> Tosh: I'D VOTE FOR HIM.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN

YEARS.

>> I CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE.

>> Tosh: MARRIED?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: CHILDREN?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: OVER THREE.

>> NO.

CAN I GET MY DOLLAR BACK.

>> Tosh: THAT WAS A GIFT.

NOW MEET ME TOMORROW.

WE'RE GOING TO GET THE ENTIRE

PLANET TO CHANT USA.

>> REALLY?

WHERE?

>> Tosh: THE MOST PATRIOTIC

PLACE IN THE WORLD.

READY TO DO THIS?

>> YES.

>> Tosh: HOW MANY TWITTER

FOLLOWERS DO YOU HAVE?

>> EIGHTY SOMETHING.

>> Tosh: I HAVE MILLIONS SO

WE'LL USE MINE AND WE'LL START

THE BIGGEST AND BADDEST USA

CHANT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN IN

ONE MINUTE.

>> SHOULD HAVE SAID 30 SECONDS.

EVERYONE'S INSTRUCTED TO START

CHANTING IN THREE, TWO, ONE.

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

>> NOW LET'S START THE WAVE.

>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT, [BLEEP] YOU,

[BLEEP] HOLE.

>> Tosh: HERE YOU GO.

HEY, DON'T LIE TO ME.

WHEN YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM YOU CLEAN IT UP.

DON'T PEE ON THE TOILET SEAT.

YOU GOT A CELL PHONE?

DON'T USE IT.

DON'T USE VIDEO GAME.

ALL THESE IDIOTS PLAY VIDEO GAME.

WHEN YOU GET HOME DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, OKAY?

YOU GOT A BROTHER AND SISTER?

>> YES.

>> DON'T BE FIGHTING WITH THEM, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, GO AHEAD AND GO DOWN.

YOU LATER, BUDDY.

>> Tosh: HE FORGOT TO TELL HIM NEVER LISTEN TO A FIRST BASE

COACH OF A SUB 500 TEAM.

DO WE EVEN NEED A FIRST BASE COACH.

JUST KEEP YOUR SHIN GUARD ON.

MAYBE THE ONE GUY YOU GO-TO-SHOULDN'T BE YOUR LIFE

ADVICE.

BUSTING YOUR BALLS COACH I LIKE TO DOLE OUT PEARLS OF

WISDOM TO THE YOUNGSTERS AT MY SHOW.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> NINE.

>> Tosh: YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE HERE.

DON'T USE SWEAR WORDS.

DO YOU PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?

ALWAYS SIT TO PEE.

90% OF WHAT PHYSICIANS SAY IS A CROCK.

ALMOST EVERYTHING WILL GO AWAY ON ITS OWN EXCEPT CANCER.

TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSE.

SMELL ONE.

USE LIP BALM.

YOU LIKE ORANGE JUICE?

DON'T DRINK IT.

IT'S LIKE DRINKING NINE ORANGES.

IF YOU SLEEP WITH A PILLOW BETWEEN YOUR LEGS GET NINE.

ONE DAY SOON YOU'LL COME ACROSS A WEARY TRAVELER.

HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND.

MURDER HIM BEFORE HE KILLS EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN STILL HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON HER

PERIOD JUST LAY A TOWEL DOWN.

AND MAKE SURE COOKIES ARE COOL BEFORE ICING.

YOU LIKE CUBANS?

>> THEY'RE EXCELLENT PEOPLE.

>> Tosh: IF A WOMAN EVER TELLS YOU SHE'S PREGNANT GO LIKE THIS.

IF SHE'S UPSET IT MEANS SHE'S INTO THE PATIENT ENOUGH TO BE A

MOTHER.

AND WISE OUT.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?

>> THE WIRED.

>> Tosh: WATCH A SHOW THAT DOESN'T RELIE ON CHEAP RACIAL

STEREOTYPES FOR CONTENT.

HERE'S GOOD ADVICE, PARENTS

Loading...