July 14, 2010 - WoW Freakout

  • 07/14/2010

The WoW Freakout Kid undergoes a Web Investigation, and Daniel sizes up celebrities to fight.

FIRST EVER WEB INVESTIGATION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EAT MY BALLS, NEWB!

WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM, YOU

IDIOT!

[SCOFFS]

HEY, WHAT'S UP, STEPHEN?

>> HEY.

>> HAVE A SEAT, MAN.

JUST GRINDING OUT.

DOING A LITTLE GOLD FARMING.

>> YEAH.

>> GOD!

HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GOOD. YOU?

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

ALL RIGHT, JUST TELL ME THE

STORY OF WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.

>> WELL, I CAME HOME THAT DAY

FROM SCHOOL AND I WENT TO GET ON

MY W.O.W. ACCOUNT, AND I FOUND

THAT IT'S BEEN CANCELLED.

SO THEN I ASKED MY MOM AND SHE

SAID SHE CANCELLED IT AND --

>> DID YOU IMMEDIATELY START

SCREAMING?

>> YEAH, THE SECOND SHE SAID,

"YEAH."

>> EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE THAT HAVE

BEEN LAID WHAT W.O.W. IS.

>> IT'S, LIKE, AN ONLINE REALM

WHERE YOU CAN JUST DO WHATEVER

YOU WANT.

YOU CAN GO KILL A BOAR.

MAYBE GO ON A QUEST WITH YOUR

FRIENDS.

>> HOW MANY HOURS A DAY DO YOU

THINK YOU PLAY IT?

>> I EITHER EAT, SLEEP, OR

W.O.W.

>> YOU WOULD THINK SOMEBODY THAT

PLAYS VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY LONG

WOULD BE FAT AND YOU'RE NOT FAT

AT ALL.

>> I HAVE A HIGH METABOLISM.

>> GOTCHA.

HOW WOULD YOU REACT IF YOUR

PARENTS TOOK AWAY YOUR PORN?

>> I DON'T LOOK AT THAT.

>> BUSTED!

LIE ONE.

I USED TO PLAY SUPER MARIO BROS.

A LOT.

DID YOU EVER PLAY THAT GAME?

>> NO, IT'S FOR NEWBS.

>> DO YOU HATE NEWBS?

>> YES.

>> SO YOU HATE ME?

>> YES.

>> WHY DID YOU TAKE YOUR PANTS

OFF?

>> BECAUSE IT'S LIMITING WHAT

POSITIONS I CAN GET.

LIKE, IF I HIKED MY LEG UP ON

THE BED WITH MY SHORTS ON, THEY

WOULD HAVE RIPPED.

>> SO YOU DIDN'T WANT TO RIP

YOUR SHORTS.

>> YEAH.

>> EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE SO

ANGRY?

>> YEAH.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE ANY OF THIS.

DO YOU THINK THAT'S THE LAST

TIME YOU'LL COME OUT OF THE

CLOSET?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED

THAT VIDEO?

DO YOU KNOW?

>> I LOOKED AT IT ONCE.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE WATCHED THAT

VIDEO?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> WHAT'S THE REAL NUMBER?

>> 26 MILLION.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THAT

VIDEO'S FAKE, INCLUDING MYSELF.

>> WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> WELL, I HAVE A LITTLE

SURPRISE FOR YOU.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> THIS WHOLE DAY IS FAKE.

THIS IS A STING.

ARREST HIM, BOYS.

>> NO!

>> YOU'RE GONNA TELL THE TRUTH

NOW.

SHOVE SOMETHING IN HIS ASS!

IS THAT JELLY?

OH, MY GOODNESS.

WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

KID, THIS WHOLE THING COULD GO

AWAY WITH TWO SIMPLE WORDS:

"IT'S FAKE"!

GET HIM OUT OF THIS.

IS IT FAKE?

>> NO.

>> WE CAN DO THIS ALL DAY.

I'M YOUR FRIEND.

SURE, I'M A FRIEND THAT HAS A

GUN, THAT IF YOU MADE A MOVE

RIGHT NOW, I WOULDN'T HESITATE

TO END YOUR LIFE, BUT WE'RE

BUDDIES.

WAS IT FAKE?

>> NO.

>> SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT

YOU GET SO ANGRY THAT YOU SHOVE

THINGS IN YOUR BUTT?

>> YEAH.

>> NOW I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

[DOG BARKS]

TWO WAYS TO DO THIS.

MY WAY OR THE POLICE ACADEMY

WAY.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> THIS HERE IS THE KID?

>> THIS IS THE ONE.

WHY IS YOUR HEART BEATING SO

FAST IF YOU'RE NOT LYING?

[IMITATING HEARTBEAT]

>> CAN YOU HEAR YOUR HEART

BEATING?

[BEATBOXING]

NO HIP-HOP!

>> YOU SEE THAT FLY?

[IMITATING FLY BUZZING]

>> GETTING ANNOYING, ISN'T IT?

LIKES TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES ALL

DAY LONG.

>> YOU MEAN THE KIND THAT GO --

[IMITATES COMPUTER BEEPING]

>> WHAT KIND OF VIDEO GAMES DO

YOU LIKE TO PLAY?

>> W.O.W.

>> OH, YOU MEAN THE, UH --

[HEAVY BREATHING]

AND THE --

[IMITATING HORSE GALLOPING]

[GRUNTING]

[IMITATING WATER DRIPPING]

THAT KIND OF STUFF?

>> WHAT ABOUT NAILS TO A

CHALKBOARD?

[IMITATING NAILS SCRAPING

CHALKBOARD]

>> OKAY, STOP.

>> YOU AND YOUR BROTHER HAVE

BEEN IN ON THIS THE WHOLE TIME,

HAVEN'T YOU?

>> NO, I HATE MY BROTHER.

[IMITATING BUZZER]

WRONG ANSWER.

PLEASE TRY AGAIN.

NO MORE BEACH WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

[IMITATING OCEAN WAVES]

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WILL BE

HEARING?

[IN DEEP VOICE]

IS ALL MY LOVE, BABY.

[SNIFFING]

[GROWLS]

>> DON'T WORRY.

IT'S A MALTESE.

[GROWLING]

[IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]

>> HEY, STEPHEN, IF I FIND OUT

YOU'RE LYING, I'M GONNA SHOVE

THAT REMOTE CONTROL RIGHT UP

YOUR ASS.

IS THAT VIDEO OF YOU FREAKING

OUT FAKE?

>> NO.

>> THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A PRO TO

READ THAT.

THAT'S A LOT OF LYING.

IS THE VIDEO FAKE?

>> NO.

>> BE HONEST.

>> NO.

>> IT IS.

>> NO.

>> I KNOW IT'S FAKE.

>> NO.

[CROWD GROANING AND LAUGHTER]

IT'S FAKE.

I'M SORRY!

>> DO IT.

[MOUTH SOUNDS]

>> AHH!

[LAUGHTER]

NO MAN SHOULD EVER WANT TO GO TO

THE MALL THIS BADLY.

>> WHY ARE YOU CLOSED?

TELL US WHY YOU'RE CLOSED!

TELL US WHY YOU'RE CLOSED!

>> TRY PUSHING.

>> WHY ARE YOU CLOSED?

I WANT TO GO SHOPPING IN THE

EATON CENTER!

WHY ARE YOU LOCK -- WHY ARE YOU

CLOSING YOUR DOORS?

>> HE KNOWS THERE'S NO BOSS OF

THE MALL, RIGHT?

>> WHY?

WHY?

WHY ARE YOU CLOSED?

>> SOMEONE'S ADDICTED TO

WETZEL'S PRETZELS.

>> WHY ARE YOU LOCK -- WHY ARE

YOU CLOSING YOUR DOORS?

TELL US THE REASON!

>> BECAUSE THOSE ARE OUR HOURS.

>> WHY ARE YOU PUTTING PEOPLE

THROUGH THIS?

>> OH, FINALLY, SOMEBODY'S

COMING TO HELP HIM.

>> TELL US WHY YOU'RE CLOSED!

>> SIR -- WHY?

WHY?

>> SIR, WHY ARE YOU CLOSED?

>> STOP SCREAMING.

YOU ARE A MIDDLE-AGE MAN.

>> WHY ARE YOU CLOSED?

>> THIS MALL ISN'T FOR YOU.

LOOKS LIKE YOU BUY YOUR CLOTHES

AT WALGREENS ANYHOW.

>> TELL US WHY!

>> NICE PURSE, BY THE WAY.

>> WHY?

>> AND, YES, I GOT THAT SHIRT

FROM MEN'S WEARHOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE THE GONNA LIKE THE WAY

YOU LOOK.

I GUARANTEE IT.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[INDISTINCT SPANISH]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND THAT'S HOW CENTAURS ARE

MADE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW LET'S HORSE-WHISPER SWEET

NOTHINGS IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[APPLAUSE]

PARADES ARE TERRIBLE.

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYTHING WORSE

THAN WATCHING 100 UNIFORMED

NERDS STOMP AROUND WITH THEIR

WIND INSTRUMENTS AS THE SMELL OF

CORN DOGS AND DUNG WAFTS THROUGH

THE AIR.

OH, BUT MISS EL PASO CAN'T WAIT

TO SADDLE UP AND ENTERTAIN THE

CROWD.

NOW IT'S A PARADE.

BLACK BEAUTY SEEMS TO HAVE TAKEN

A SHINE TO THAT HORSE IN FRONT

OF HIM.

OH!

NOW HE'S TRYING TO MOUNT THAT

HUMAN BAREBACK.

NOTHING I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A

PRIDE PARADE BEFORE.

[CHUCKLES]

WILD WEST, INDEED.

THAT IS ONE HORNY HORSE.

THE SHRINERS HAD BETTER BRING

THEIR "A" GAME, BECAUSE

INTERSPECIES HUMPING IS A TOUCH

ACT TO FOLLOW.

OH.

CONSUELA DROPPED FASTER THAN THE

RECEPTION ON MY NEW IPHONE.

I HOPE HER LEG'S NOT

BROKEN,'CAUSE THEN THEY'D HAVE

TO SHOOT HER.

I'M JUST GLAD BLACK BEAUTY

DIDN'T GET GLUE ALL OVER HER

FACE BEFORE HE RODE OFF INTO THE

SUNSET AND FOR THAT, WE SAY,

"HEE-YA!"

WORLD OF WARCRAFT KID, BUT

FIRST, THERE ARE TOO MANY VIDEOS

OF HORSES SODOMIZING INNOCENT

PEOPLE, SO I DECIDED TO EVEN THE

SCORE.

GIDDYUP.

>> WHEW.

WELL, I HATE TO NAIL AND BAIL,

BUT I GOT THIS THING TOMORROW

AND MY MOM'S SICK AND SHE WANTS

ME TO PICK HER UP TOMORROW.

SO, YEAH, LET'S DO THIS AGAIN

SOON, ALL RIGHT?

I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER BEEN IN A

FIGHT, BUT I THINK I CAN

HONESTLY ASSESS MY ABILITIES, SO

I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW I WOULD

FARE AGAINST OTHER CELEBRITIES.

I WANT TO STRESS THIS IS

HYPOTHETICAL.

NOTHING PERSONAL.

I DO NOT WANT TO ACTUALLY FIGHT

ANY OF THESE PEOPLE.

I'M JUST GUESSING WHAT WOULD

HAPPEN.

OKAY?

I MEAN NO DISRESPECT.

ROB SCHNEIDER?

I WOULD DESTROY THAT PUSSY.

[LAUGHTER]

AGAIN, NO DISRESPECT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS?

>> PRINCE.

>> PRINCE?

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T -- I DON'T LIKE THIS,

BUT I THINK I COULD BEAT PRINCE,

WHICH IS COOL, BECAUSE

TECHNICALLY, HE IS BLACK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> TRACY MORGAN.

>> TRACY MORGAN?

NO, NO.

LIKE, THAT'S A REAL BLACK

PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

>> KHLOE KARDASHIAN.

>> KHLOE KARDASHIAN?

OKAY, SHE IS A FICTIONAL

CELEBRITY.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS LIKE ASKING ME IF I

COULD BEAT UP SHREK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> MICHAEL J. FOX.

>> MICHAEL J. FOX?

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]

I HONESTLY THINK I'M DOING HIM A

FAVOR BY BEATING HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]

NO?

>> KEANU REEVES.

>> KEANU REEVES?

OF COURSE HE BEATS ME UP.

>> WHAT?

>> HE'S THE ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DANE COOK.

>> AGAIN, YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE

THIS.

DANE COOK WOULD BEAT ME UP.

[CROWD AWWS]

BUT IT'D BE REALLY, LIKE, LONG

AND NOT ORIGINAL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

>> BETTY WHITE.

>> BETTY WHITE?

[LAUGHTER]

I REALLY DO THINK HER TIME'S

COMING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT WOULD BE PRETTY NEAT IF

IT'S LIKE, "DID YOU HEAR DANIEL

TOSH [BLEEP] KILLED BETTY

WHITE?"

[LAUGHTER]

>> NATHAN LANE.

>> NATHAN LANE?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A NO-WIN SITUATION.

IF I WIN, IT'S A HATE CRIME.

IF I LOSE, ALL OF BROADWAY WILL

BE AGHAST.

IF YOU WANT TO WEIGH IN ON WHICH

CELEBRITIES I CAN AND CANNOT

BEAT UP, GO TO OUR BLOG AT

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 AND

SEND IT IN.

AND PLEASE, NO WOMEN, BECAUSE

>> HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GOOD. YOU?

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

ALL RIGHT, JUST TELL ME THE

STORY OF WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.

>> WELL, I CAME HOME THAT DAY

FROM SCHOOL, AND I WENT TO GET

ON MY WOW ACCOUNT, AND I

FOUND OUT IT'S BEEN CANCELLED.

SO THEN I ASKED MY MOM, AND SHE

SAID SHE CANCELLED IT, AND...

>> AND THEN IT JUST WENT

DOWNHILL FROM THERE?

>> YEAH.

>> DID YOU IMMEDIATELY START

SCREAMING?

>> YEAH, THE SECOND SHE SAID,

"YEAH."

>> HOW LONG DID THE FIGHT TAKE

PLACE DOWNSTAIRS BEFORE YOU CAME

UPSTAIRS?

>> MM, PROBABLY TEN MINUTES.

>> IT DIDN'T GET PHYSICAL,

DID IT?

>> NO.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

SO WOULD YOU HAVE REACTED

DIFFERENTLY IF YOU KNEW YOUR

BROTHER WAS FILMING YOU?

>> WELL, YEAH.

YEAH, I WOULD'VE ACTED

DIFFERENTLY.

I WOULD'VE WENT IN A DIFFERENT

ROOM.

>> WHY DID YOU TAKE YOUR PANTS

OFF?

>> BECAUSE IT'S LIMITING WHAT

POSITIONS I CAN GET--LIKE,

IF I HIKE MY LEG UP ON THE BED

WITH MY SHORTS ON, THEY WOULD'VE

RIPPED.

>> SO YOU DIDN'T WANT TO RIP

YOUR SHORTS...

>> YEAH.

>> EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE SO

ANGRY.

>> YEAH.

>> DO YOU THINK THAT'S THE LAST

TIME YOU'LL COME OUT OF THE

CLOSET?

[laughs]

EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU WERE SO

INTO WOW.

>> WELL, I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY

FRIENDS AT SCHOOL.

THEY ALL MAKE FUN OF ME.

SO I JUST KIND OF BLOCK THEM OUT

JUST BY GOING ON THE COMPUTER

AND JUST PLAYING THE PEOPLE THAT

ACTUALLY LIKE ME.

>> I DON'T KNOW, YOU SEEM

LIKEABLE TO ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS?

>> MM, DO THEY COUNT IF THEY'RE

ONLINE?

>> EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE THAT HAVE

BEEN LAID WHAT WOW IS.

>> UH...

IT'S, LIKE, AN ONLINE REALM

WHERE YOU CAN JUST DO WHATEVER

YOU WANT.

YOU CAN GO KILL A BOAR, MAYBE GO

ON A QUEST WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

ANYTHING CAN REALLY--WHAT CAN'T

YOU DO?

>> CAN YOU GET LAID ON WOW?

>> YEAH, ACTUALLY, YOU CAN.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY, WELL, I'M INTERESTED.

HOW MANY HOURS A DAY DO YOU

THINK YOU PLAY IT?

>> I EITHER EAT, SLEEP,

OR WOW.

>> HOW ARE YOUR GRADES IN

SCHOOL?

>> I'M FAILING PRETTY MUCH EVERY

CLASS, EXCEPT FOR GYM.

>> CAN YOU MAKE A LIVING PLAYING

WOW?

>> YES, I CAN.

>> HOW?

>> BE THE NUMBER ONE PLAYER.

I'LL GET MY OWN FRANCHISE.

I'M ON MY WAY, PRETTY MUCH.

I MEAN, I'M PRETTY MUCH NUMBER

ONE, JUST DOESN'T SAY IT ON THE

HIGH SCORES.

>> HOW MUCH WOULD YOU MAKE

PLAYING WOW?

>> I'M NOT SURE.

I'VE NEVER MET A PROFESSIONAL.

>> I USED TO PLAY SUPER MARIO

BROTHERS A LOT.

DID YOU EVER PLAY THAT GAME?

>> NO, IT'S FOR NEWBS.

>> WHY WOULD YOU CONSIDER ME A

NEWB WHEN I PLAYED IT CLOSE TO

20 YEARS AGO?

>> ONCE A NEWB, ALWAYS A NEWB.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH, YOU CAN'T SWITCH.

>> YOU CAN NEVER NOT BECOME--

WHAT IS A NEWB, FOR THE NEWBS

OUT THERE THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT

NEWBS ARE?

>> A NEWB IS SOMEONE WHO SUCKS

AT LIFE.

>> SUCKS AT LIFE?

>> YEAH.

>> I WOULD ASSUME THAT IT'S JUST

SOMEBODY THAT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,

NOT VERY GOOD OR NEW TO THE

GAMING COMMUNITY.

>> IF YOU WOULD, LIKE, LOOK IT

UP ON URBAN DICTIONARY, THAT'S

WHAT IT WOULD SAY, BUT IN MY

DEFINITION, SOMEONE WHO JUST

SUCKS AT LIFE.

>> DO YOU HATE NEWBS?

>> YES.

>> SO YOU HATE ME?

>> YES.

>> DESCRIBE YOUR PERFECT GIRL.

>> PREFERABLY AN ARCHER,

UH, BLONDE,

NOT A NEWB.

MM...

>> IMAGINARY?

>> NO, SHE'S NOT IMAGINARY.

SHE JUST DOESN'T--

I JUST ONLY MEET HER IN REALMS.

I DON'T MEET HER IN REAL LIFE.

AND LOWER LEVEL THAN ME,

'CAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO BE

HIGHER LEVEL THAN ME.

>> THOSE RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD

TO WORK.

>> YEAH.

>> DO YOU WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN?

>> NO.

>> IF YOU DID HAVE KIDS, WOULD

YOU LET THEM PLAY...

>> NO.

>> ONLINE?

>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I DON'T

WANT TO HAVE KIDS.

THEY'LL TAKE UP ALL OF MY

COMPUTER TIME.

>> OH, WELL, YOU PROBABLY COULD

GET MORE THAN ONE COMPUTER,

COULDN'T YOU?

YOU COULD ONLY HAVE ONE COMPUTER

PER HOUSEHOLD?

>> WHAT IF MY KIDS TURN OUT TO

BE NEWBS?

>> [exhales]

THAT WOULD BE AWFUL.

WHAT IF YOU--WHAT IF, OUT THERE

ONLINE, YOU FOUND YOUR FEMALE

COUNTERPART?

>> NO.

>> SHE WAS JUST LIKE YOU?

>> NO.

>> SHE LIKED STUFF RAMMED IN

HER BUTT.

>> [chuckles]

>> DO YOU LIE A LOT IN LIFE?

>> I HAVE NO REASON TO LIE.

>> DO YOU LIKE MY CONTROLLER?

>> YES.

>> YOU CAN HAVE THAT.

>> REALLY?

>> NO.

SEE? LYING CAN BE FUN.

[laughs]

>> WHAT GAMES DO YOU PLAY?

>> THE MOST--MOST OF THE ONLINE

GAMING I DO IS GAMBLING.

>> [scoffs]

>> I LIKE TO BET MONEY.

>> WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME.

>> [scoffs] I'VE MADE A LOT.

>> I'VE MADE A LOT OF GOLD

PIECES.

>> OKAY, THAT'S FAIR.

A LOT OF GOLD PIECES.

I'VE MADE AROUND $611 IN THE

PAST FIVE YEARS PLAYING POKER.

>> I'M PRETTY SURE A THOUSAND

GOLD PIECES IS A LITTLE BIT MORE

THAN $611.

>> WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR GOLD

PIECES?

>> ON THE COMPUTER.

>> HMM.

WHAT KIND OF COMPUTER DO YOU

HAVE?

>> A MAC.

>> YOU HAVE A MAC?

OOH.

LA-DEE-DAH.

WHAT'S ON YOUR IPOD RIGHT NOW?

>> I DON'T HAVE AN IPOD.

>> YOU DO TOO.

>> NOPE.

>> YES, YOU DO.

>> MM-MM.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE A MAC COMPUTER

AND NOT HAVE AN IPOD.

YOU HAVE AN IPHONE?

>> NO.

>> WHAT KIND OF PHONE

DO YOU HAVE?

>> I DON'T HAVE A PHONE.

I DON'T LIKE TO SOCIALIZE,

UNLESS I'M ON WOW.

>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU SHOVE IN

YOUR ASS WHEN YOU'RE ON A BUS?

[laughs]

A PHONE SEEMS LIKE A LOGICAL--

LOGICAL THING TO...

UH, HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR DRIVER'S

TEST YET?

>> NO. I DON'T WANT TO, EITHER.

>> YES, YOU DO.

>> NO, I DON'T.

>> WHY?

>> WHERE WOULD I WANT TO GO?

LIKE, I HAVE MY COMPUTER.

I HAVE THE PANTRY.

MY HOUSE.

>> YOUR PANTRY?

>> YEAH, MY PANTRY.

>> I LIKE THAT YOU JUST CALLED

IT A "PANTRY."

[laughs] THAT'S...

THAT'S SO MARTHA STEWART OF YOU.

"GONNA HEAD TO MY PANTRY AND

WHIP SOMETHING UP BEFORE I JUMP

ON THE COMPUTER."

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE IN

YOUR BODY?

>> NO.

>> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HURT

PHYSICALLY?

>> NO.

>> YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT?

>> AT SCHOOL.

>> EMOTIONALLY?

I'M SORRY.

[laughs]

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED

THAT VIDEO, DO YOU KNOW?

>> I LOOKED AT IT ONCE,

AND I DON'T CARE.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE WATCHED THAT

VIDEO?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> WHAT'S THE REAL NUMBER?

>> 26 MILLION.

>> THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE.

HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE YOU MADE

OFF IT?

>> I DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY OFF

OF IT.

I DON'T WANT THAT MONEY.

>> THAT'S BLOOD MONEY.

>> [laughs]

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THAT THAT

VIDEO IS FAKE, INCLUDING MYSELF.

>> WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> WELL, I HAVE A LITTLE

SURPRISE FOR YOU.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> THIS WHOLE DAY IS FAKE.

THIS IS A STING.

ARREST HIM, BOYS.

>> NO!

>> YOU'RE GONNA TELL THE

TRUTH NOW.

SHOVE SOMETHING IN HIS ASS!

ALL RIGHT, BACK TO MY GAMING.

PEW, PEW!

>> YOU MISSED A RING.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS A SPEED RUN.

IT'S WHEN YOU BEAT A VIDEO GAME

AS FAST AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT

STOPPING.

I TRY TO DO A SPEED RUN EVERY

WEEK HERE AT THE SHOW.

I'M GETTING PRETTY FAST.

[UPBEAT JAZZ]

LET'S GO.

DON'T SLOW ME DOWN TODAY.

HEY, STEPHANIE.

HEY, BETTER-LOOKING DEMITRI

MARTIN.

WHOA!

WHOA!

WHOA!

WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR ME?

[RETCHING]

>> OH, HATE IT.

DISGUSTING!

PUT IT IN THE SHOW.

WHO'S THIS GUY?

>> DANIEL, YOUR MOM'S ON THE

PHONE.

>> I'M ALREADY PAST.

[GROANS]

I LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE GAY!

[CROWD AWWS]

WHOA!

WHOA!

WHOA!

PERFECT!

NOW MAKE IT WAY LONGER AND

SLOWER.

I'LL WIPE TOMORROW.

>> DANIEL, HERE'S TONIGHT'S

WARDROBE.

>> NOT DEEP ENOUGH.

DEEPER!

PERFECT!

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

[RETCHING]

OH, THAT WAS A LOT OF PUKE.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S MY TIME?

NEW WORLD RECORD!

YES.

THAT'S HOW I LIVE MY LIFE.

QUARTER-MILE AT A TIME.

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