October 15, 2009 - Backyard Wrestler

  • 10/15/2009

Old Lee reads Miley Cyrus's tweets, and Backyard Wrestler gets a Web Redemption.

ALRIGHT.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[LAUGHTER]

GET A REBOUND.

NOT ONE PERSON CRASHED THE

BOARDS.

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT.

LET'S RESET THE SHOT CLOCK AND

TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THIS KID

DUNKED HIMSELF IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

♪♪

[APPLAUSE]

YOU NEVER SEE RICH PEOPLE WITH

TRAMPOLINES.

IT'S LIKE AN ABOVE-GROUND POOL.

IT'S JUST NOT AN UPSCALE PIECE

OF LAWN FURNITURE.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, AT LEAST THEY SPRUNG FOR

THE SAFETY NET.

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

WELL, HERE'S ONE THING: THESE

KIDS COULD START DOUBLE-BOUNCING

THE [BLEEP] OUT OF EACH OTHER.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

WHAT A DOUBLE BOUNCE IS, IT'S

THE TRAMPOLINE EQUIVALENT OF A

SPEEDBALL.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

WHAT A SPEEDBALL IS, IT'S WHAT

KILLED JOHN BELUSHI.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

WHO JOHN BELUSHI IS, HE'S JIM

BELUSHI'S BROTHER.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

WHO JIM IS, HE'S THE GUY FROM

"ACCORDING TO JIM."

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN'T

WATCH "ACCORDING TO JIM,"

CONGRATULATIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, WOW IS HE UP THERE.

SOMEBODY JUST CAUGHT FIRE NBA

JAM STYLE.

[LAUGHTER]

SAVOR THE MOMENT, SCOTTY SKILES,

'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TO TURN SOUR.

THAT'S A TECHNICAL FOUL.

GET OFF THE RIM.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

SUCK IT, VINCE CARTER.

DANGLING BY YOUR ELBOW, DOESN'T

SEEM LIKE SUCH A BIG DEAL

ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> HMM.

IT HURTS TO HEAR.

THIS IS WHERE HE AND HIS TORN

ACL COULD LEARN A LESSON FROM

SASCHA.

JUST DISTRIBUTE THE BALL, SET

SOME SCREENS, AND DRAW DEFENDERS

OUT OF THE LANE SO REAL PLAYERS

CAN PUT ON THE SHOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHY IS HE CRYING LIKE NANCY

KERRIGAN?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE WHITE.

YOU DON'T GET TO DUNK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I HATE TO POINT THIS OUT,

BUT THE BLACK GUY'S RUNNING

AWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM?

NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME FROM

A BLACK GUY STANDING OVER A

CRYING WHITE KID.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, AT LEAST THE CAMERA GUY WAS

ABLE TO STOP LAUGHING LONG

ENOUGH TO PUT THIS SPORTSCENTER

HIGHLIGH

REDEMPTION, BUT FIRST, IN HONOR

OF MILEY CYRUS TRAGICALLY

DELETING HER TWITTER ACCOUNT,

HERE'S OLD LEE READING SOME OF

HER FINAL TWEETS.

>> NIGHT WILL FOLLOW DAY, SURE

AS THE SUN AND MOON.

REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH

YOU.

JUST FOLD YOUR HANDS AND PRAY

AND I AM BESIDE YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

REGARDING MY LAST TWEET.

YES, IT WAS ABOUT A BOY.

THE ONE WHO NEVER LETS ME DOWN.

THE ONE WHO ALWAYS MAKES ME

SMILE.

MY PAPPY.

WAS FUNNY.

I'M IT.

>> ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO

MISSISSIPPI, THREE MISSISSIPPI,

READY OR NOT, HERE I COME.

>> LING-LING.

WHERE THE -- ARE YOU?

LING-LING!

LING-LING, WHERE THE -- ARE YOU?

LING-LING!

THERE YOU ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

EH ANDRE!

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

>> OOH!

>> DANIEL, IT'S NOT GOING TO

WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

>> AA, OEW.

YOU SEE SOMEONE CLEANING THEIR

EAR WITH A Q-TIP.

I SEE AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE

LOTS, AND LOTS OF MONEY.

THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER THAN

WATCHING SOMEONE SCRAPE WAX OUT

OF THEIR EARS.

THERE'S ALL KINDS OF FETISHES

OUT THERE.

THERE'S FOOT FETISHES, TICKLE

FETISHES, BUT NO ONE HAS

CORNERED THE MARKET ON Q-TIP,

UNTIL NOW.

I WENT TO ADULTCON, LA'S SECOND

LARGEST PORN CONVENTION, TO

CLEAN SOME EARS.

>> HI.

WE'RE HERE AT ADULTCON.

LIKE MOST OF MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS,

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BIGGER.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF

Q-TIPPING?

>> CLEANING YOUR EARS?

>> YEAH.

IT'S MY NEW FETISH.

>> DO YOU USE Q-TIPS?

>> YEAH.

WHAT ARE THEY FOR?

>> DUSTING YOUR COMPUTER.

>> I'M A WATCHER.

>> HOW MANY Q-TIPS DO YOU THINK

YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR EAR?

>> MAYBE FIVE.

>> THAT SOUNDS SO SEXY.

THE MOST DEPRESSING PLACE ON THE

PLANET HAS TO BE THE FOOD COURT

AT ADULTCON.

WHO COMES HERE FOR THE -- FOOD

COURT?

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE].

>> WELL, NOT WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING.

>> HOW DID THAT FEEL?

>> I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

>> IT WAS A ONE-TIME DEAL.

>> I'LL TAKE THAT.

PASS THAT ON TO YOU.

>> IS THIS LIKE A DNA SAMPLE?

>> YES.

WE'RE SERVING A WARRANT FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

I'VE INTRODUCED Q-TIPPING TO THE

WORLD.

HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR IT.

I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND TAKE A

BATH IN

>> WHOA!

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

WRESTLING?

>> PROBABLY ABOUT TWO YEARS.

>> DID YOU REALLY GET HURT IN.

>> A LITTLE BIT.

>> DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

>> NO, NO HOSPITAL.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT FOR

NECK INJURIES.

IS WRESTLING A FAKE?

>> I CAN'T ANSWER THAT.

>> YOUR MOVE WAS REAL?

>> YEAH.

THAT IS AN ACTUAL MOVE AND TAKES

LOTS OF PRACTICE.

>> DID YOU PRACTICE IT?

>> NO.

THAT WAS THE FIRST ATTEMPT.

>> FIRST ATTEMPT?

>> YEAH.

>> HAVE YOU DONE THAT MOVE SINCE

THAT DAY?

>> I HAVE NOT.

>> BEFORE YOUR MATCH, WE NEED TO

FOCUS ON TRAINING.

>> ALL RIGHT.

LET'S DO IT.

>> DONE.

>> OH!

>> BREATHE IN.

>> YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> FIRST THING I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU IS A SLAP.

I'M GOING TO GRAB YOU HIKE THIS

AND FLIP YOU OVER.

BODY SLAM.

>> BODY SLAM?

>> THIS IS THE ONE EVERYBODY

LIKES TO DO.

>> OKAY.

COME IN.

>> WHOA!

>> PUT MY MIC DOWN.

>> REMEMBER THAT MOVE?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> I REMEMBER THAT MOVE.

LET'S GO OVER THAT.

>> I'LL SHOW YOU.

DO YOU WANT TO SHOW HIM?

>> WHOA!

ARGH.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE

WRESTLER WAS?

>> RAVISHING RICK RUDE.

>> THERE IT IS.

LET'S ALL DO IT.

LET'S GO TOGETHER.

SCORPIO SAYS SO MUCH.

>> GOOD LUCK.

>> ALL RIGHT.

OH!

>> HI, THIS IS DANIEL TOSH

REPORTING LIVE.

READY FOR ANOTHER SHOT?

>> HECK YEAH.

READY, GO.

BACK TO YOU, BRODY STEPHENS.

>> THANK YOU.

BRODY STEPHENS REPORTING TO YOU

LIVE FROM THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

IN THE RED CORNER, THE PARTY

STARTER WEBBER.

OUT OF THE BLUE CORNER, FROM

PARTS UNKNOWN, PROBABLY MEXICO,

PUNTITO DIABLO.

>> YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

THAT'S A WARNING, DIABLO.

LET'S GET IT ON!

>> WE'RE UNDERWAY.

THEY'RE WRESTLING.

PUNTITO IN THE ROPES.

HE GETS AN AX HANDLE IN THE JAW.

HE ACTUALLY GOT AIR.

THERE'S A CHAIR IN THE RING.

OH, MY GOSH, THE REFEREE IS OUT

COLD.

WE NEED AN ICE PACK.

A SHOT TO THE FACE ON THE LITTLE

GUY.

HE'S STUNNED.

LEE PICKS HIM UP FOR A HUGE

SLAM.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

LEE IS ATTEMPTING TO DO A SECOND

MOVE.

PEOPLE, THIS CONTINUE ONLY END

IN DISASTER.

I WISH I COULD TELL HIM TO STOP

IT, PLEASE.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS.

>> LEE GOES IN FOR THE PIN,

HOOKS A LEG.

IT'S OVER.

LEE WINS!

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING

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