June 21, 2011 - Heavy Metal Club

  • 06/21/2011

The Heavy Metal Club gets a Web Redemption, and America embraces the sport of crackhead tossing.

[MUSIC]

>> IT WAS EITHER LET THEM PLAY

OR HAVE THEM SHOOT UP THE

SCHOOL.

CLEARLY, THEY MADE THE WRONG

CHOICE.

>> THAT WAS THE METAL CLUB AND

LIKE EVERY OTHER HEAVY METAL

BAND, THEY SUCK.

IT ALL SOUNDS THE SAME -- JUST

THREE CHORDS AND YELLING LIKE

COOKIE MONSTER.

IF I WANTED TO SEE DUDES SWEAT

AND SCREAM FOR A COUPLE OF

HOURS, I'D WATCH GAY PORN.

WHICH I DO.

METAL IS ALL ABOUT GIMMICKS.

YOU KNOW WHY

YOU KNOW WHY TEGAN AND SARA

DON'T HAVE TO CRAP ON A BIBLE OR

VOMIT A GALLON OF BLOOD?

BECAUSE THEIR SONGS ARE LOVELY.

I COULD NEVER BE A TRUE METAL

FAN SINCE I CAN'T WEAR ALL BLACK

EVERY DAY.

MY WARDROBE DEMANDS A SPLASH OF

COLOR.

THOUGH IT WOULD SAVE A TON OF

TIME SORTING LAUNDRY -- ANOTHER

LOAD OF DARKS.

>> AND STOP PLAYING SONGS

BACKWARDS.

SATAN DIDN'T HIDE ANY MESSAGES

IN THERE FOR YOU.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

>> SURE, MOSHING IS A GREAT WAY

TO BURN OFF THOSE EXTRA CALS

BUT NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS WHEN

THAT MANY ANGRY WHITE PEOPLE GET

TOGETHER.

>> HAVEN'T WE LEARNED ANYTHING

FROM GERMANY OR THE SOUTH?

METAL'S NOT THE GLORIOUS ART

FORM IT USED TO BE.

EVEN THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS HAS

TO SPEND HIS DAYS WITH AN AWFUL

WIFE, 17 TINY DOGS AND AN UGLY

DAUGHTER

WHO BRAGS ABOUT HOW MUCH WEIGHT

SHE LOST BY NOT GETTING THE LAP

BAND SURGERY.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

>> BUT, LACK OF TALENT BE

DAMNED, YOU CAN'T BLAME THE

METAL CLUB FOR TRYING TO PUT ON

A GOOD SHOW.

>> THAT'S WHY I WENT TO SEATTLE,

FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, IN THIS

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[DRUMS]

>> WHOA.

WHOA.

WHOA.

>> OKAY.

I APOLOGIZE FOR CRASHING INTO

YOUR BAND PRACTICE.

NOW I KNOW WHY KURT KILLED

HIMSELF.

IT'S THE HAIR IN THE MOUTH THAT

GETS IRRITATING AFTER A WHILE.

>> HOW BIG IS YOUR BAN.

OUR CLUB IS 12 PEOPLE

ALTOGETHER.

>> IT STARTED OUT WITH ABOUT 30.

AND THEN EVERYBODY QUIT.

>> WHAT WERE WE WATCHING IN THAT

VIDEO.

YOU WERE WATCHING OUR CLUB DOING

A MEDLEY OF METAL FOR ELEMENTARY

SCHOOLERS.

WHY DIDN'T THEY WATCH YOUR

MUSIC.

WHAT TUNE WERE YOU PLAYING.

>> EIGHT DIFFERENT SONG.

>> WHAT I HEARD WAS ONE CAT

HURTING ANOTHER CAT.

>> IT WAS EIGHT SONGS.

>> HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN MUSIC

LESSON.

WE'VE BEEN A CONCERT BAND

TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS.

>> HOW ABOUT SINGING LESSONS.

>> NO.

>> WHY DO YOU GO WITH TWO

VOCALISTS AND ONE GUITAR.

IS IT UNFAIR THAT THOSE KIDS

HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT AS THEIR

FIRST CONCERT EVER.

>> OURS IS BETTER THAN SOME OF

THE OTHER ONES.

>> DO YOU THINK THAT YOU GUYS

WERE DOING A GOOD JOB.

>> THE ONES AT THE HIGH SCHOOL

WENT WAY BETTER.

>> I'VE ALWAYS SAID THE SAME

THING.

ARE YOU UPSET YOU AREN'T INSIDE

A HOT TOPIC RIGHT NOW.

>> DO YOU WORSHIP SATAN.

>> I DO.

>> WHY DO YOU WORSHIP SATAN.

>> THEY ACCEPT EVERYBODY.

>> IT'S REBUT THE TALENT IS

THERE.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO FLY YOU

TO HOLLYWOOD AND GIVE YOU A

CHANCE TO PERFORM ON THE SUNSET

STRIP.

>> AWESOME.

>> IT'S PRETTY EXCITING.

I'M ALSO GOING TO BE YOUR

MANAGER.

THAT WILL ENTITLE TO ALMOST ALL

OF THE EARNINGS.

>> WELCOME TO THE ROXIE, BOYS

AND GIRLS.

>> WHY AREN'T YOU PARTYING, AND

DRINK.

>> WE DON'T DRINK.

>> YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR

GROUPIES.

>> MY APOLOGIES TO THE GIRLS.

>> ENJOY FELLOWS.

>> WHAT ABOUT ME.

>> MOST LIKELY YOU AND I WILL

END UP TOGETHER.

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT EITHER.

>> TO SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK AND

ROLL.

DOES ANYBODY READ MY WRITER.

I DON'T LIKE BLUE M & M'S.

>> WHO'S READY FOR SOME HAIR

WIND.

>> OKAY.

I GOT ONE NEEDLE SO WE'RE GOING

TO SHARE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

KNOCK IT OFF.

GET OVER HERE.

LET'S HAVE A PRAYER.

DEAR JESUS THANK YOU FOR

EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE DONE FOR

US.

GIVE US A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.

LET US ROCK LIKE WE'VE NEVER

ROCKED BEFORE.

THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL

CHEESE PLATTER THAT WE

DESTROYED.

ALLOW EVERYONE THAT COMES TO

TONIGHT'S PERFORMANCE BE BLESSED

BY OUR MUSIC.

MAKE SURE THAT THE VALET DOESN'T

STEAL ANYTHING FROM MY CAR.

MAKE SURE THAT GIRLS DON'T CATCH

ANYTHING VAGINALLY.

>> IN YOUR NAME WE PRAY, AMEN.

>> AMEN.

>> LET'S DO IT!

[CHANTING]

>> IF YOU CAN'T ENTERTAIN.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR

YOU.

YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT.

>> YES.

>> LAY AN EGG.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

>> WHOO!

>> NOT AGAIN.

>> I DON'T CARE.

>> I HAVE NO OBJECTION TO THIS

NEXT VIDEO.

FLOPPING ON THE COURT.

THAT MUST BE MANU JENOVI'S MOM.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN ACTING THIS GOOD

IN A COURTROOM SINCE LAST WEEK'S

FRANKLIN AND BASH.

SHE NEEDS TO HIRE FRANKLIN AND

BASH.

ACTUALLY MAYBE JUST BASH.

FRANKLIN'S A BIT OF A WILD CARD.

>> EVEN THE COURT REPORTER ON

FRANKLIN AND BASH WROTE, "WHAT A

[BLEEP]."

>> I HAVEN'T SEEN HIJINKS LIKE

THAT SINCE FRANKLIN AND BASH

SHOWED UP TO THE COURTROOM IN

BATHING SUITS.

>> IF FRANKLIN & BASH KEEP

GOOFING OFF, MR. BELDING IS

GOING TO COME IN AND YELL,

"HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT IS GOING ON

HERE?"

LATER SHE WAS AWARDED $17

MILLION DOLLARS.

NICE WORK FRANKLIN AND BASH

YOU GUYS DONT LIKE FRANKLIN ANDBASH...

OVERRULED!

I LOVE THE WAY HE LIES.

THIS NEXT KID NEEDS TO CHANGE

HIS DIAPER.

ROH-ROH.

SCOOBY'S GOT A REAL MOUTHFUL.

>> SEEMS LIKE HE'S WAY TOO OLD

TO BE IN A DIAPER.

>> YOU COULD THROW THIS BABY

DOWN A WELL AND GET LIKE A

MILLION WISHES.

>> HE HAS A WEIRD TOOTH FAIRY.

>> I'M NO JIM CRAMER, BUT HIS

UNDERWEAR HAS A PHENOMENAL

INTEREST RATE.

HIT THE BULLHORN.

THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY MONEY.

SHARE SOME CHANGE.

OH, HOLD ON.

>> LET ME SEE.

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

HERE YOU GO.

>> YOU'LL BE GOOD BOY TO YOUR

NEW HOMELESS DADDY.

>> HEY, THANKS.

>> DADDY.

>> NO PROBLEM.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE HAPPY

THE DRIVER TO SETTLE OUT OF

COURT.

>> I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE SPORT.

IT'S WHERE YOU SEE HOW FAR YOU

CAN THROW A CRACKHEAD.

>> GOOD TO SEE THE OAKLAND

RAIDERS STAYING IN SHAPE DURING

THE LOCKOUT.

>> OKAY, TECHNICALLY, THE

CRACKHEAD HAS TO STICK INTO THE

GROUND FOR THE THROW TO COUNT.

>> THIS IS THE ONLY SPORT WHERE

THE EQUIPMENT IS ON DRUGS.

>> HE'S ALSO PRETTY GOOD AT

BOUNCING CHECKS.

>> NICE THROW.

WINNER GETS A BJ FROM THE

JUNKIE.

>> WE'RE NOT SO DIFFERENT.

WE HAVE SIMILAR COMPETITIONS IN

MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

GOOD SHOT SON.

YOU OUTDROVE ME AGAIN.

THANKS DAD.

YOU'RE REALLY SUPPORTIVE.

REMEMBER.

DON'T EVER DO CRACK.

NO WAY.

>> ALRIGHT, TURNS OUT OUR

NEIGHBORHOODS ARE PRETTY

>> WHAT'S NEXT?

SEE THE BULLET.

YES, SIR.

NOW READY.

>> ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THIS?

>> DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS REDNECK

SEASON ALREADY.

>> DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

NOW YOU CAN'T SUE US OVER THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

>> IN THE BIBLE BELT, A KEVLAR

VEST IS CONSIDERED FORMAL WEAR.

AND THESE APPALACHIAN EINSTEINS

HAVE COME UP WITH A SURE-FIRE

WAY TO TEST WHETHER THEIR

BULLETPROOF VEST IS ACTUALLY

BULLET PROOF.

>> MAN, THIS IS SO DANGEROUS.

I MEAN, WITH ALL THE LITERATURE

OUT THERE TODAY, WHY WOULD

ANYONE BE SMOKING?

>> ARE YOU WILLING TO DO?

>> YEAH, OF COURSE HE'S WILLING

TO DO THIS.

GUNS ARE VERY PERSUASIVE.

JUST TRY POINTING ONE AT A BANK

TELLER.

>> I WAS ROOTING FOR A HEAD

SHOT.

>> HE TAKES A LITTLE STROLL

AROUND HIS BEAUTIFUL PROPERTY.

WHAT IS THAT?

A 3 SHACK, 2 AND A HALF CRAPPER?

>> YOU GUN CONTROL LOBBYISTS CAN

SUCK IT.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A

COUNTRY WHERE BIG GOVERNMENT

SAYS I CAN'T SHOOT MY BUDDY AT

NEAR POINT BLANK RANGE.

>> COME ON, NOW.

THAT'S JUST CHILDISH.

>> BUT THAT IS A GOOD LESSON FOR

YOU YOUNGSTERS: AFTER YOU SHOOT

SOMEONE, IT'S IMPORTANT TO WORK

THE BODY.

HOLY COW.

WOW, MAN.

DID I HIT YOU.

>> SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND

YOU'RE TO BLAME

YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.

>> WAS THAT A SKI JACKET?

>> HOW YOU DOING.

HANG 10.

HANG 10.

>> HE'S NOT EVEN ALIVE, HE'S

JUST RUNNING ON METH AT THIS

POINT.

>> DON'T WORRY, I'M SURE THERE'S

GO TO OUR BLOG FOR MORE DETAILS.

>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR VIEWER

MALE.

>> A STAPLE OF EVERY BAD

TELEVISION SHOW.

HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY MAKE THIS

BIT DIFFERENT AND GAY?

I'LL TELL YOU HOW.

OUR VIEWER MALE IS JUST ME

CHECKING OUT OUR MALE VIEWERS

I ASKED YOU TO RECORD YOURSELVES

WATCHING MY SHOW

>> HE SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT.

>> AND THIS MAN HAS DREAMY EYES.

>> I DON'T APPRECIATE ANYONE

LAYING SHIRTLESS ON A LEATHER

COUCH.

YOU FALL ASLEEP, YOU ROLL OVER

AND IT HURTS.

>> THIS SEEMS LIKE A VERY FUN

GROUP.

>> DAMN YOU, TEAM SIX.

YOU KILLED OFF ONE OF OUR MOST

IMPORTANT VIEWERS.

I HOPE HE DIDN'T HAVE A NEILSEN

BOX.

>> YOU KNOW, WHAT JUST OCCURRED

TO ME RIGHT NOW?

YOU'RE WATCHING ME, WATCHING

YOU, WATCHING ME.

MINDFREAK!

>> WAY TO COMMIT TO THE BIT, YOU

TWO.

>> SADLY, NONE OF THEM WERE

LAUGHING OR BLACK.

NOT GOOD.

>> ALRIGHT

>> MEET WIFFLE BOY, THE BEST

WIFFLE BALL PITCHER IN THE

WORLD, WHICH WILL OPEN UP ZERO

DOORS FOR HIM IN LIFE.

BUT I DON'T GIVE A CRAP HOW

RIDICULOUS THOSE PITCHES ARE, I

CAN TAKE ANYONE DEEP.

NICE TO MEET YOU WIFFLE.

ACTUALLY IT'S SEAN.

>> PREPARE TO BE EMBARRASSED.

>> YOU WANT A COUPLE OF WARMUPS.

ONE OR TWO.

>> AM I EXPOSED.

>> WHO.

HANG 5.

WHY YOU THROWING CHANGEUPS.

BRING THE HEAT.

I'LL TAKE MY BASE.

>> OH!

AH!

>> I GOT TO GET A DIFFERENT BAT.

>> PRETTY IMPRESSIVE SEAN.

NOW I'M GOING TO SEE IF YOU CAN

STRIKE OUT THREE OF MY PLAYERS A

TEAM 3.

TWO OF THEM ARE LATINO.

>> YOU EVER SEE THE MOVIE

WANTED.

DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

>> THE ONLY THING I REGRET DOING

WAS WEARING MY DOLCE & GABBANA

SUNGLASSES.

IT'S THE FACE.

WE'RE OKAY.

>> DON'T SHARE THAT.

I WONDER IF D & G IS GONNA DO

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