May 27, 2014 - Perfect Game Bowler

  • 05/27/2014

Some Brazilian soccer fans celebrate a goal, Daniel redeems a bowler robbed of a perfect game, and Gary Busey stops by for a visit.

NOW, WHO'S EXCITEDFOR THE WORLD CUP?

RIO 2014:

LAST TEAM ALIVE WINS.

[people screaming]

[gunfire]

SAVE YOUR AMMO.

THERE MIGHT BE A BAD CALL LATER.

BRAZIL'S REAL NATIONAL SPORTIS MURDERING TOURISTS.

BETWEEN THE WORLD CUPAND THE OLYMPICS,

EVERY SPORTS FANWILL BE DEAD BY 2016.

NOW, OFF TO BEHEADTHE OTHER TEAM'S CAPTAIN.

IT'S GETTING TO THE POINT

WHERE YOU CAN'T EVEN SAFELY DATEBRAZILIAN SUPERMODELS ANYMORE.

click!

- YES!- COME ON.

YOU SAID NO SPINSIES.

- YEAH.- AH, DAMN IT.

I JUST REMODELED.

- BRAZIL'S NUMBER ONE!

[explosion booms]

- THE ONLY THING BRAZILIANS HATE

MORE THAN SPORTSMANSHIPIS PUBES.

OKAY, WHEN YOU HANG OUTWITH PEOPLE

WHO USE THE "N" WORD SO FREELY,

DON'T BE SURPRISEDWHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN.

- ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.

ARE YOU PLANNING ON JUMPINGTO THE BRANCH

THAT CAN'T EVEN HOLD A LEAF?

I LIKE IT.

[branches cracking]

- [bleep]![bleep].

- NIKE JUST OFFERED HIM$6 MILLION

TO TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES.

[branches cracking]

- [bleep]!

- THAT ALLCOULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED

IF HE'D JUST HAD ONA NICE PAIR OF COLE HAANS.

REMINDS ME OF THE SUMMER OF '89WHEN MY DAD, BILL NYE,

ACCIDENTALLY SHRUNKME AND MY SISTER.

GO.

WHOA!WHOA!

- JUMP.

JUST DO IT.

- [screaming]

- I GUESS SHE LOVES YOU NOT.

- SHOULDN'T YOU BECUTTING YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?

IF YOU THINK THAT'S UNFORTUNATE,THE NEXT SUMMER,

MY DAD BLEW UP MY BABY BROTHER.

NOW, HERE'S WHY FATHERSSHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED

NEAR THEIR KIDSFOR THE FIRST FEW YEARS.

- DADDY!

- WHOA!

- UH-OH.

- HEY, IT'S NICE.

[engine whirring]

[audience groans]

[baby wailing]

OH...

[bleep].

- CONGRATS.

NOW YOU GOT A SONWHO PLAYS WITH DOLLS.

THAT'S LIKE AN ADULT BEINGRUN OVER BY A FULL-SIZE CAR.

COME ON,OUT OF THE LANDING AREA, SPENCE,

YOU DUMB [bleep]!

[baby wails]

AH, WHO CARES?

HE ALSO CRIES IF HIS PEASTOUCH HIS S'GHETTI.

THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT.

THEY AIRLIFTED HIM TO A HOSPITALWITH AN RC CHOPPER.

30 SECONDS INTO THE FLIGHT,IT CRASHED.

THOSE THINGSARE HARD TO CONTROL.

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

THIS WAS FROM THAT SUMMERMY DAD SHRUNK US DOWN.

[engine whirring]

[exotic pop music]

[mouthing words]

[car crashing]

[baby wails]

MY SISTER DIDN'T SURVIVETHE CRASH,

SO WE BURIED HERIN AN ALTOIDS TIN.

[audience groans]

- YOU TOTALLY DISAPPEARED.

- WHO SAYS THERE ARE NOGOOD ROLES FOR ASIAN-AMERICANS?

NOW, LET'S SEEWHAT ALL'S INCLUDED

WITH THE PLATINUMPEDICURE PACKAGE

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

WELCOME TO MY HOME.

PLEASE WIPE YOUR FEETON MY ORIENTAL MUG.

ALL GIRLS WANT IS FOR PEOPLETO NOTICE THEIR SHOES.

FETISH PORN IS THE MOSTUNCOMFORTABLE OF ALL THE PORNS.

IF YOU'RE INTO THIS,YOU SHOULD BE ARRESTED.

THAT'S SOME STURDY PLYWOOD.

WHAT IS THAT,DOUBLE-LAYERED 3/4 INCH?

YOU PAINT A BIG FATFARMER'S BODY ON THAT BOARD

AND THIS GOES FROM MAKING MEHORNY TO HYSTERICAL.

I BET SHE WISHES SHE MADETHOSE SANDALS SOFTER

BACK AT THE FACTORY.

[audience groaning]

IT'S--IT'S OKAY.

IN HER CULTURE, IT'S RUDENOT TO REMOVE YOUR SHOES.

FLIP-FLOPS ARE THE CONDOMSOF THE FOOT FETISH INDUSTRY.

THEY RUIN IT FOR ME.

[audience groaning]

HEY, BUNION BREATH,

TOES GOT YOUR TONGUE?

AND YOU GALSTHOUGHT DOGGIE STYLE

MADE YOU FEEL UGLY.

HI, MY NAME'S CHUBBY.

MY MOM'S CHUBBY.MY DAD'S CHUBBY.

EVEN MY GOLDFISH IS CHUBBY.

I GUARANTEE YOU THIS HAS BEENON THE BIG SCREEN

IN THE JETS' FILM ROOM.

DON'T DENY IT, REX RYAN,YOU BIG OL' PERV!

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

- EVERYBODY'S COME DOWNTO CHECK THIS OUT.

LOOKING FOR PERFECTION--300.

- COME ON, BALL.

- OH, MY GOD.- OH, NO.

- HOLY COW.DID YOU SEE THAT?

[all groaning]

- AND 297--

- 297 IS THE END RESULT

FOR TROY WALKER

AFTER ONE OFTHE MOST BIZARRE THINGS

I'VE EVER SEENIN THE GAME OF BOWLING.

- I'D HATE TO BE HIS WIFETONIGHT.

THAT'S TROY,AND WHEN THAT RAKE CAME DOWN

AND RUINED HIS PERFECT GAME,

YOU COULD HAVE HEARDA PIN DROP,

BUT YOU DIDN'T,BECAUSE THE RAKE CAME DOWN.

A PERFECT GAME IS AS EXCITINGAS BOWLING GETS,

RIGHT AFTER WATCHING A KIDLOSE HIS ARM IN THE BALL RETURN.

KNOCKING DOWN TEN PINSDOESN'T SOUND THAT IMPRESSIVE,

BUT KEEP IN MIND,FOR MOST BOWLERS,

JUST ROLLING OUT OF BED

AND USING THEIR WIPING STICK

IS AN ACHIEVEMENT.

BOWLING IS GOLFFOR NASCAR FANS.

IT'S THE ONLY SPORTTHAT REQUIRES YOU

TO BE MORBIDLY OBESE,A LIFELONG SMOKER,

AND DRESS LIKE CHARLIE SHEEN.

AND YOU STILL GETTO CALL YOURSELF AN ATHLETE.

IT'S GOOD EXERCISE,IF YOU ALSO CONSIDER

GETTING UP FROM THE COUCH

TO THROW AWAY YOUR ARBY'S BAGEXERCISE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR BOWLING,

YOU HILL PEOPLE WOULD GOYOUR WHOLE LIVES

WITHOUT USING A COMPUTER.

AND IF YOU HAVE A BOWLING ALLEYIN YOUR HOUSE,

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE RICH.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITEBOWLING MOVIE?

MINE'S BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.

SEEN IT 100 TIMES.

ALWAYS LIFTS THE SPIRITS.

THERE'S A SIMPLE TESTTO DETERMINE

IF YOU SHOULD BE BOWLING.

ASK YOURSELF,"AM I GOING TO

A SIX-YEAR-OLD'SBIRTHDAY PARTY?"

BUT IF TROY WANTS TO BOWL,I SAY LET'S ROLL.

THAT'S WHY I BOUGHT HIMA GREYHOUND TICKET TO L.A.

FOR THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[applause]

- WAY OUT WEST,THERE WAS THIS FELLA--

A FELLA I WANTTO TELL YOU ABOUT.

CALLED HIMSELF THE DUDE.

- [grunts]

[sighs]

WHITE RUSSIANWITH A DASH OF EMERGEN-C.

THESE BOWLING ALLEYSARE DISGUSTING.

THANK YOU, BARTENDER.

- ROUGH DAY?

- YEAH, MAN.

GUY PISSED ON MY RUGIN MY HOUSE

THAT TIED THE WHOLE ROOMTOGETHER.

- I WAS ROBBEDOF A PERFECT GAME.

I HEAR YOU.

- I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.

I'M THE DUDE...

OR THE DUDESTER,THE EL DUDERINO,

IF BREVITYISN'T YOUR THING.

- NAME IS TROY, TROY WALKER.

- TROY WALKER.

I LIKE YOU, TROY.

TROY, WHEN I WATCHED YOUR VIDEO,I THOUGHT IT WAS

THE MOST HEARTBREAKING THINGI'VE EVER SEEN.

TELL ME ABOUT THAT DAY.

- BOWLING MY PERFECT GAME.

FIRST 11 FRAMES--STRIKES.

GET TO THE 12TH ONE,RACK COMES DOWN,

PREVENTS IT.

- OH, MY GOD.

HOLY COW.DID YOU SEE THAT?

- WHY DID THE RAKE COME DOWN?

- I PUSHED A BUTTON,AND THE BOWLING CENTER

SET UP THE PINSON THE WRONG LANE.

- YOU WANTED SOME PINSCLEARED OFF A DIFFERENT LANE.

- YEAH.

- THEY PRESSED THE WRONG BUTTON

AND ACCIDENTALLY CLEAREDYOUR LANE.

- YES.

- HOO!

DID ANY PART OF YOUWANT TO START GOING CRAZY?

- NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT ITBUT BOWL IT AGAIN.

- IT WAS JUST SO FUN TO WATCH

SOMEONE SO CLOSETO PERFECTION,

AND THEN LIKE MOST AMERICANS,

YOU'RE JUST ROOTING FOR THEMTO FAIL.

AND THEN, BAM,THE GODS INTERJECT.

- [laughs]

- WAS THAT THE FIRST 300 GAME

YOU WERE GONNA EVER ROLL?

- NO.

- HOW MANY HAVE YOU ROLLED?- 45.

- GOOD NIGHT!

THE ANNOUNCERS KEPT SAYINGIT WAS A BRUTAL OIL PATTERN.

- YOU HAD THE FIRST 11--

VERY BRUTAL OIL PATTERN HERE.

- ON LEAGUES,YOU GOT MORE OIL

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE.

TOURNAMENTS, THE OIL--

MORE OIL TOWARDS THE GUTTERS.

- YOU A STROKER, CRANKER,OR TWEENER?

- CRANKER.- AH.

I JUST LOOKED THOSE TERMS UPON WIKIPEDIA.

NO IDEA WHAT THEY MEAN.

ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL?

- USED TO BE.- WHY'D YOU QUIT?

- TOO MUCH RED TAPE.

THEY WANT YOU TO DO THIS.

YOU CAN WEAR THIS.YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT.

- YOU GOT ONE OF THOSESTUPID BRACES?

- NO.

- YOU DON'T?- NO.

- DOESN'T DO ANYTHING,DOES IT?

- NO.

[slow clapping]

- THE DUDE LIKES THAT.

OUT OF THE LITERALLY

TENS OF FAMOUS BOWLERSIN THE WORLD,

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE?

- MM, EARL ANTHONY.

[pins clattering]

- GOOD PICK.

SAFE PICKBUT A GOOD PICK.

WHAT'S A BIG MISCONCEPTIONABOUT BOWLERS?

- FAT, DRUNK, LOVE PIZZA.

- THOSE AREN'T ACCURATE?

- NO.

- YOU SMOKE?- NO.

- DO YOU WISH THEY'D BAN SMOKINGIN ALL BOWLING ALLEYS?

- THEY HAVE IN TEXAS.

- OH, THAT'S NICE...

AND ABORTIONS.

- PRETTY MUCH.

- TWO THINGS IN TEXASYOU CAN'T DO

IN BOWLING ALLEYS ANYMORE.

- NO, ANYMORE.

- WHAT ABOUT THE SHOES?

WHY DO WE NEED THESE SHOES?

- SO THEY SLIDEON THE APPROACHES.

TENNIS SHOES WON'T SLIDE.

- NO ONE NEEDS TO SLIDE

IF YOU'RE NOT GOODAT BOWLING.

- TRUE.

- I THOUGHTIT WAS BECAUSE OF,

LIKE, SCUFFING THE FLOOR.

- SCUFFING THE FLOOR--- NO, IT DOESN'T.

IT DOESN'T SCUFF THE FLOOR.

SO WHY DON'T THEY JUST LET USWEAR TENNIS SHOES?

IT IS A SCAM FOR MONEYAND THE FOOT SPRAY INDUSTRY.

- OH, THE SPRAY IS HORRIBLE,YEAH.

- FOOT SPRAY INDUSTRY.

$2-BILLION-A-YEAR INDUSTRYIS WHAT I'M TOLD.

FAVORITE BOWLING MOVIEOF ALL TIME.

- KINGPIN.

- WE WERE GONNA PARODYTHAT ONE.

WE FLIPPED A COIN.

I APOLOGIZE.

WE WERE GONNA DOA LOT OF THIS.

- MM-HMM.WITH THE HOOK?

LOVED IT.

[laughter]

- BARTENDER!

WELL, TROY,I DO APPRECIATE YOU

SHARING YOUR STORY WITH ME.

BOWLERS EVERYWHEREFROM MILWAUKEE

TO JUST OUTSIDE OF MILWAUKEEFELT YOUR PAIN

WHEN THAT RAKE ROBBED YOUOF THE PERFECT GAME.

AND I KNOW HOW TO FIX IT.

[moaning]

OH.

- WHAT'S IN YOUR BALL?

- IT'S A FETUS.

6-POUND BALL.

2 POUNDS IS FETUS.

TROY, YOU LOOK RIGHTEOUS.

AND I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIRTHAT YOU GET THE RESPECT

FROM THE BOWLING WORLDTHAT YOU DESERVE.

HOW MANY PROS HAVE ROLLEDA 300, PERFECT GAME?

A BILLION?

HOW MANY HAVE ROLLED A 301?

NONE, UNTIL TODAY.

YOU ARE GONNA BETHE FIRST BOWLER

IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORTTO GET A 301 IN ONE ROLL.

[angelic music]

AND THIS IS THE MONEY PIN.

BRUTAL OIL PATTERN.

[suspenseful music]

GO GET 'EM.

[cheers and applause]

OVER THE LINE!

FOOT FAULT.

- WHAT?- I'M SORRY, TROY.

YOU WERE OVER THE LINE,AND THAT'S A FOUL.

MARK IT A ZERO.

- NO, I WASN'T.

- THIS ISN'T 'NAM.

THIS IS BOWLING.

THERE ARE RULES.

MARK IT A ZERO.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- HAS THE WHOLE WORLDGONE CRAZY?

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVESA [bleep] ABOUT THE RULES?

YOU MARK THAT FRAME A 301,

AND YOU ARE ENTERINGA WORLD OF PAIN, TROY.

MARK IT A ZERO.

AND YOU OWE ME $3.75FOR THE GAME.

GUESS WHO MISSED THE HEAD PINON THE FIRST TAKE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAHOW LONG IT TAKES

TO RESET 301 PINS BY HAND?

48 MINUTES.

[goat bleats]

- THAT'S GOOD, GARY.

START IT OUT, BROTHER.

GOT TO GET YOU FIT, MATE.

THAT'S GOOD, GARY.

NOT IN FRONT OF THE CAR.

I DON'T WANT TO RUN YOU OVER.

THAT'S GOOD, GARY!

[laughter]

- I'LL HAVE THE SAME THING!

- [laughs]- OH!

HE'S HORNY.

WE'RE GONNA CHECK ROEYOVER HERE

WHO'S PUTTING A BUCK 35OF COINS

UP HIS FORESKIN.

HE'S GONNA SPIT IT OUT, OKAY?

GARY'S HAVING A LOOK AT HIM.

- DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

- [laughs]WOW!

- HOW MUCH WAS THAT?

- $1.35.- $1.35.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO $1.40?

- HEY, GIRLS, DO YOU WANTTO STICK A BUCK 40

UP YOUR [bleep]TO BEAT HIM?

[laughter]

GARY, WHERE ARE YOU, MATE?

MATE--

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

- YOU CAN HAVEYOUR HUGH JACKMANS

AND YOUR CROCODILE DUNDEES,BUT FOR MY MONEY,

THERE'S NO BIGGER CELEBRITYIN AUSTRALIA

THAN GARY THE GOAT.

GARY...

AND HIS OWNER JIMBO

HAVE MADE HUNDREDS OF VIDEOS,

BUT THEY'VE NEVER DONEAN INTERVIEW,

AND I'VE NEVER TALKEDTO A GOAT BEFORE,

SO PLEASE WELCOMETHE GREATEST GOAT OF ALL TIME,

GARY!

- GOOD DAY FROM AUSTRALIA.

- WHERE DID YOU AND GARY MEET?

- I DO COMEDY SHOWSIN PUBS,

AND AFTER A GIG,A GUY OFFERED ME A GOAT

FOR A CASE OF BEER.

- I GOT TO START PERFORMINGIN AUSTRALIA.

MY FANS HERE JUST GIVE ME DRUGSAND PUSSY AFTER SHOWS.

CAN GARY DO ANY TRICKS?

- NO, HE DOESN'T PLAY GUITAR

OR SING OR JUGGLEOR ANYTHING.

HE JUST GOES INTO THE PUBS.

HE WALKS AROUND,STEALS PEOPLE'S CHIPS,

DOES A [bleep],AND FALLS ASLEEP.

- YOU AND GARYMIGHT BE ALCOHOLICS.

- GARY DOESN'T DRINK,WHICH I'M REALLY HAPPY,

BECAUSE EVERY NIGHTPEOPLE ARE OFFERING HIM BEER,

AND IF THAT--IF GARY DRANK,

I'D HAVE A DRUNK GOATEVERY NIGHT,

AND THAT'S NOT GOOD

'CAUSE HE SOMETIMESHAS GOT TO DRIVE HOME.

- DOES GARY LET YOURIDE HIM HOME?

- NO, BUT I'VE GOT A GOAT BUGGYON THE BACK.

I'VE GOT A--LIKE, A HARNESSFOR A HORSE,

WHERE I'VE SAT IN THE BACK,

AND, YEAH,BUT WE COULDN'T STEER,

SO WE JUST RAN INTO A TRUCK.

- HEY, ARE THERE ANYLITTLE GARYS IN THE FUTURE?

- NO, NO,HE'S GOT NO BALLS,

WHICH MEANSGARY'S THE END OF THE LINE.

THAT'S WHY HE'S GOING HARD.

- WELL, WE APPRECIATE HIMGOING HARD.

THANKS FOR BEING HERE, GARY.

- BYE-BYE.

- WE'VE GOT A GARYIN OUR OFFICE,

AND HE IS THE LIFEOF THE PARTY TOO.

GARY.

- WHAT THEY COULD DOON A WINTER DAY

IS PUT THE TREADMILL OUTSIDE

AND TAKE SWEET POTATOESTHAT HAVE JUST BEEN BAKED...

- OH, OKAY.

- AND PUT 'EM IN THE CROTCHOF YOUR PANTS.

- GARY!

- AND AS YOU'RE WALKING--

AS YOU'RE WALKINGON THE TREADMILL,

THE SWEET POTATOES GET MUSHY,

AND THEY'RE STILL WARM,

AND THEY START RUNNING DOWNTHE INSIDE OF YOUR LEGS,

AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE

YOU'RE IN ANOTHER PARTOF THE COUNTRY,

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU AREOR HOW YOU GOT THERE,

BUT IT FEELS GOOD.

YOU HAVE A DIMENSIONAL OUTTAKE

OF WHAT YOUR REALISTICS ARE.

YOU LIVE IN AN INVISIBLE PRISON.

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE LOCKED UP,

BUT YOUR MIND DOES.

[laughing obnoxiously]

- GARY!

- I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET!

- OH, GOD.

- I'VE HAD A COUPLEOUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCES.

HA!YOU GUYS DRINK A LOT HERE?

AND A CARLOAD OF DOGS PULLED UPIN FRONT OF MY HOUSE

ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.

- GARY.[laughs]

GARY!

- [clears throat]

IT'S CALLED LUBRICANT LAND.

IT WOULD BE A HALFWAYAMERICAN FLAG.

DON'T GIVE UP!- GARY.

- YOU COULD PAINT A HERDOF HUMMINGBIRDS IN FORMATION

FLYING THIS WAY TO HIMLIKE A "V."

EEE!

DICK OF THE WEEK.

- GARY!

- OH, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD?

[laughter]

THOSE MINIATURE GOATS,

I'VE SEEN 'EM FORNICATEWITH MAILBOX POSTS.

THEY JUST GET UP THEREAND HUMP IT.

- PEEN.

- GARY.

- TRY TO EXPLORE THAT WORDA LITTLE DEEPER WITH ME.

- PEEN, PEEN.

- PEEN.- PEEN.

- ARE YOU THINKING OF "BEAN"?

- PEEN.

- PEEN?- PEEN.

PEEN.

- PEEN.

[laughter]

I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A TEACHER,MAN.

- OH, IF YOU--

- IF YOU HAVE A HARD TIMEABOUT--

OH!HE LEFT.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT YOUR PENIS.

[laughter]

- LIKE A FINE WINE,

GARY BUSEY ONLY IMPROVESWITH AGE.

HE IS THE HEART AND SOULOF THIS SHOW.

HE'S INSANE--INSANELY TALENTED!

GARY ASKED IF HE COULD COME BACKON ANOTHER EPISODE

AND PHYSICALLY BATTLE MEWITH CHILDREN'S TOYS.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS,

BUT I SAID YES.

AND FINALLY, AS MUCH AS I WANTTHIS SHOW TO BE ENTERTAINING,

IT MEANS NOTHINGIF IT'S NOT ALSO EDUCATIONAL.

THAT'S WHY MY HOPE IS THATOUR FINAL VIDEO OF THE SEASON

TEACHES US ALL HOW FRAGILEWE REALLY ARE.

- [groaning]

[audience gasping, groaning]

[sorrowful piano music]

[audience groaning]

- THAT'S A GOOD FRIENDTO KEEP FILMING LIKE THAT.

THAT GUY NEEDS TIGHTER SOCKS.

THERE'S NOTHINGYOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

YOU JUST HAVE TO LET IT HEAL.

HAVE A GOOD SUMMER.

TROY WHEN I WATCHED YOUR VIDEO

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE MOST

HEART BREAKING THING

I HAVE EVER SEEN

TELL ME ABOUT THAT DAY

BOWLING MY PERFECT GAME

FIRST ELEVEN FRAMES STRIKES

GET TO THE TWELVE ONE

RACK COMES DOWN

PREVENTS IT

OH MY GOD HOLY COW

DID YOU SEE THAT

WHY DID THE RAKE COME DOWN?

I PUSHED A BUTTON AND

THE BOWLING CENTER SET

UP THE PINS ON THE WRONG LANE

YOU WANTED SOME PINS

CLEARED OFF A DIFFERENT LANE

YEP

THEY PRESSED THE WRONG BUTTON

AND ACCIDENTLY CLEARED YOUR LANE

YES

WHOOOOO

(LAUGHS)

DID ANY PART OF YOU WANT

TO START GOING CRAZY?

NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT

BUT BOWL IT AGAIN

IT WAS JUST SO FUN TO WATCH

SOMEONE SO CLOSE TO PERFECTION

AND THEN LIKE MOST AMERICANS

YOU ARE JUST ROOTING

FOR THEM TO FAIL

AND THEN BAM

THE GODS INTERJECT

(LAUGHS)

WAS THAT THE FIRST THREE HUNDRED

GAME YOU WERE EVER GOING TOROLL?

NO

HOW MANY HAVE YOU ROLLED?

FORTY-FIVE

GOOD-NIGHT

(LAUGHS)

THE ANNOUNCERS KEPT SAYING

THERE WAS A BRUTAL OIL PATTERN

YOU HAD THE FIRST ELEVEN

VERY BRUTAL OIL PATTERN HERE

IN LEAGUES YOU GOT MORE

OIL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE

TOURNAMENTS THEYLL OIL MORE OIL

TOWARDS THE GUTTERS

YOU A STROKER CRANKER ORTWEENER?

CRANKER

AH I JUST LOOKED THOSE TERMS

UP ON WIKIPEDIA

(LAUGHS)

NO IDEA WHAT THEY MEAN

ARE YOU PROFESSIONAL?

USED TO BE

WHY DID YOU QUIT?

TOO MUCH RED TAPE

THEY WANT YOU TO DO THIS

YOU CAN WEAR THIS

YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT

YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE STUPIDBRACES?

NO

YOU DON'T?

NO

DOESN'T DO ANYTHING DOES IT?

NO

(CLAPS) THE DUDE LIKES THAT

WHATS THE WORST GAME YOU

HAVE EVER ROLLED AS A BOWLER?

SINCE BEING AN ADULT ONE TWELVE

DID YOU LET HER WIN?

OF COURSE (LAUGHS)

WHAT IS YOUR SECOND BEST SPORT?

DON'T HAVE ONE

BEEN BOWLING MY WHOLE LIFE

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CURLING?

NO

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY IT THOUGH?

ABSOLUTELY

THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF FUN

(LAUGHS) YES

OUT OF LITERALLY THE TENS

OF FAMOUS BOWLERS IN THE WORLD

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE?

EARL ANTHONY

GOOD PICK SAFE PICK

BUT A GOOD PICK

WHATS THE BIG MISCONCEPTIONABOUT BOWLERS?

FAT DRUNK LOVE PIZZA

THOSE ARENT ACCURATE?

NO

DESCRIBE A DAY IN THE LIFE

OF A PROFESSIONAL BOWLER

IS IT AS GLAMOROUS AS IT SOUNDS?

NO NOT AT ALL

WAKE UP PUT YOUR PANTS ON

SHOES ON GO TO THE BOWLINGALLEY

PRACTICE A LITTLE BIT ROLL YOURGAMES

YOU SMOKE?

NO

DO YOU WISH THEY WOULD BAN

ALL SMOKING IN BOWLING ALLEYS?

THEY HAVE IN TEXAS

OH THAT'S NICE

AND ABORTIONS

PRETTY MUCH

TWO THING IN TEXAS YOU

CANT DO IN BOWLING ALLEYS

NO

ANYMORE

ANYMORE

WHAT ABOUT THE SHOES?

WHY DO WE NEED THESE SHOES?

SO THEY SLIDE ON THE APPROACHES

TENNIS SHOES WONT SLIDE

IS THAT REALLY THE REASON?

YES

NO ONE NEEDS TO SLIDE

IF YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT BOWLING

TRUE

I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE OFSCUFFING

THE FLOORS

IT IS SCUFFING THE FLOOR

NO IT DOESNT IT DOESN'T SCUFFTHE FLOOR

SO WHY DONT THEY JUST LET

US WEAR TENNIS SHOES?

IT'S A SCAM FOR MONEY

AND THE FOOT SPRAY INDUSTRY

OH THAT SPRAY IS HORRIBLE YEAH

FOOT SPRAY INDUSTRY

TWO BILLION DOLLAR A YEARINDUSTRY

IS WHAT I AM TOLD

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF COSMICBOWLING?

NO REAL COMMENT ON THAT

YOU DONT WANT TO START ANYTHING?

RIGHT

BETWEEN THE COSMIC BOWLINGLEAGUES

(LAUGHS)

YOU EVER BOWLED NAKED?

NO

YOU THINK YOU EVER WILL?

NO

WHAT?

FAVORITE BOWLING MOVIE OF ALLTIME?

KINGPIN

WE WERE GOING TO PARODY

THAT ONE WE FLIPPED A COIN

I APOLOGIZE

(LAUGHS)

WE WERE GOING TO DO

A LOT OF THIS

MMHMM WITH THE HOOK

(LAUGHS)

BARTENDER

WELL TROY I DO APPRECIATE YOU

SHARING YOUR STORY WITH ME

BOWLERS EVERYWHERE FROM

MILWAUKEE TO JUST OUTSIDEMILWAUKEE

FELT YOUR PAIN

WHEN THAT RAKE ROBBED YOU OF

THE PERFECT GAME

AND I KNOW HOW TO FIX IT

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