February 5, 2013 - Gingers Have Souls

  • 02/05/2013

Mema discusses John Travolta's sexuality, and Michael the Angry Ginger gets a Web Redemption.

HERE'S THE FIRST INSTALLMENTOF PORCH TIME WITH MEMA.

TODAY'S QUESTION COMES TO USFROM K. PRESTON.

SHE WANTS TO KNOW,"IS JOHN TRAVOLTA GAY?"

- I DON'T BELIEVEJOHN TRAVOLTA IS GAY.

HE'S HAD KIDS AND EVERYTHING.

I THINK HE JUST LIKE TO DANCEAND SWIVEL HIS HIPS,

BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S GAY.

THAT'S A CROCK OF SHIT.

HAVE SPECULATED OVER THISSEASON'S NEW LOOK.

AND I'M PROUD TO FINALLYBREAK MY SILENCE

AND ANNOUNCE THAT IN 2013,I WILL BE WEARING NOTHING

BUT THE FINEST...

[rock music]

CASHMERE.

[audience oohs]

THANKS TO MY GOOD BUDDIESIN LED ZEPPELIN

FOR WRITING THAT LITTLEWARDROBE REVEAL JINGLE.

NO TOUCHING.

GET YOUR OWN.

CASHMERE IS HIGHLY SENSITIVE

TO THE OILON POOR PEOPLE'S FINGERS.

THAT INGLEWOOD ISALWAYS UP TO NO GOOD.

ALWAYS.

- HE'S MAKING HIS WAY BACK OFFTOWARD L.A.X. ONCE AGAIN,

AND AGAIN, THANKFULLY,FOR THE LAW ENFORCEMENT...

[sirens]

- HOLY SHIT!

- THAT'S WHY EVERY AMERICANSHOULD OWN A SPIKE STRIP.

MAYBE NOTTHE BEST NEIGHBORHOOD

TO SHOW OFF YOUR FLAT SCREENAND iPHONE.

A GROUND LEVEL UNITIN THE GHETTO

IS LIKE HAVING FRONT ROW SEATSTO A TOM CRUISE ACTION FLICK,

EXCEPT IN THIS ONE,TOM DOESN'T DO HIS OWN STUNTS,

AND HIS STUNT DOUBLEIS ALWAYS BLACK.

NOBODY WITH THAT PENIS SHOULDEVER CONSIDER SUICIDE.

HOW COME COOL LIKE THAT HAPPENSIN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?

- [groans]

- THAT WAS OUR OFFICE?

HERE'S WHY I ONLY WRESTLE BOYSIN THE DARK.

FOR SWEET CORN SEASON,NOTHING WILL.

[drill whirring]

- FROM NOW ON, ANYONE WHOEATS A COB OF CORN BY HAND

IS A DAMN FOOL.

[drill whirring]

[laughter]

- HOW DO YOU GO THROUGHALL THAT TROUBLE

AND NOT STICK ITIN YOUR OTHER CORN HOLE?

- WHAT I LIKE TO DO,AFTER I FINISH A FULL ROTATION,

PUT IT IN REVERSE,CATCH THE STRAGGLERS.

ANNE HATHAWAY COULDDO THAT IN HALF THE TIME.

SHE HAS LIKE FOUR ROWSOF TEETH, I THINK.

THE FASTER YOU EAT YOUR VEGGIES,THE SOONER YOU CAN HAVE DESSERT.

[tool whirring]

GOD HELP YOU IF YOU TRY THATWITH A TWIN POP.

THAN HAVING A SLEEPOVERWITH YOUR BROS.

THE PROBLEM IS,THERE ARE NO LADIES

TO PLAY TRUTH OR DARE WITH.

ALL YOU GOT IS A BASEMENTFULL OF FLACCID WIENERS.

THAT'S WHY I CAME UP WITHA MANLIER GAME

CALLED SPORTSOR CONSEQUENCES.

TRIPLE 20 OR YOU GET TO CUTONE I.D. OR EVEN HALF

OUT OF THE LOSER'S WALLET.

YOU'RE UP FIRST.

OH.

- [groans]

- WHO HAS A TRIFOLDAS AN ADULT?

DRIVER'S LICENSEIS A HUGE INCONVENIENCE.

A CHASE VISA.

ANOTHER VISA.

UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMANATIONAL ALUMNI ASSOCIATION.

I THINK WHAT I'M GONNA DOIS CUT IT

SO THAT YOU HAVEAN ADULT WALLET.

NOW THAT'S A NORMAL WALLET.

MAKE A 3-POINTER

OR EAT A CREAMY, RICH PASTA DISHOUT OF A SANDBOX.

- OKAY.

- FOR TONIGHT'S SPECIAL,WE HAVE A PENNE PASTA

WITH A VODKA SAUCEWITH SOME SALMON.

[audience groans]

WOULD YOU LIKESOME FRESH PARMESAN?

- YEAH, PROBABLY. IT'LL HELP.- OKAY.

THERE YOU GO.- OKAY.

THAT WAS NOT PARMESAN.

[sand crunching]

[audience ohs]

YOU KNOW, WHAT'S NOT GOODIS THE SAND.

- [laughs]

A 30-YARD FIELD GOAL,

OR YOU HAVE TO SUBMERGEYOUR HEAD

IN LUKEWARM STADIUM-GRADENACHO CHEESE.

- YOU'RE ON.

[audience aws]

[laughter]

- OH!

[audience ohs]

- YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBERWIDE RIGHT.

- [groans]

IT'S SO HEAVY.

- THROW A VORTEX FOOTBALL50 YARDS, INTO THIS TRASH CAN,

OR BREAK ONE OF YOUR CAR WINDOWSWITH A SLEDGEHAMMER.

- I JUST GOT A NEW CAR.

- THEN, DON'T LOSE.

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

WHO'S THE GREATEST ATHLETEEVER?

I CAN DO IT AT ANY DISTANCE.

[audience ohs]

COME UP WITH YOUR OWNSPORTS OR CONSEQUENCES

AND SEND THEM TO OUR BLOG.

I CANNOT WAIT TO PERSONALLYWATCH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

KEEP IT PG-13AND KEEP IT SAFE.

- IT REALLY IRRITATES METHAT SOUTH PARK WOULD SAY

THAT RED-HAIRED PEOPLEDON'T HAVE SOULS, OKAY?

BECAUSE WE DO.WE DO HAVE SOULS, ALL RIGHT?

GINGERS HAVE SOULS!

I GO TO CHURCH.I'M A CHRISTIAN.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.YOU'RE NOT GOD.

OOH! OOH-OOH-OOH!

I'M GINGER AND PROUD OF IT!

[laughter]

- DIDN'T CATCHA WORD OF THAT.

COULD YOU PLEASETURN YOUR HAIR DOWN?

I'D BE MAD TOOIF GOD FORGOT TO COLOR ME IN

AND LEFT ME OUT TO RUST.

THAT REDHEADED STEPCHILDIS MICHAEL,

AND HE PARLAYED ANATIONWIDE DISGUST OF HIS HAIR

INTO OVER 32 MILLION HITSON YOUTUBE,

WHICH TRANSLATES INTOROUGHLY $8.

MUCH LIKE DOWN SYNDROME,RED HAIR IS A GENETIC MUTATION,

AND IT OCCURS WHEN A HUMAN HASUNPROTECTED SEX WITH A CLOWN.

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT IT IS,YOU CAN IMMEDIATELY KNOW

WHO THAT STRAY PUBE ON THETOILET SEAT BELONGS TO.

SURE, FRECKLES ARE CUTE...ON A CHEETAH.

BUT WHAT YOU'VE GOT ON YOURTITTIES ARE TONS OF MOLES.

THERE HAVE ONLY BEENTWO HOT REDHEADS IN HISTORY--

A 16-YEAR-OLD LINDSAY LOHANAND THE LITTLE MERMAID.

PERSONALLY, I THINK HER HAIRIS WAY GROSSER

THAN THE FACT THATHER BOTTOM HALF IS A TROUT.

WHY DIDN'T EMMA STONEMAKE THE CUT?

UH, SHE'S NOTA NATURAL REDHEAD,

AND I CAN'T STAND TOSEE HER LISP HER WAY

THROUGH ANOTHER MOVIE.

EVEN THAT IDIOT GILLIGANUNDERSTOOD

THAT THE REDHEADEDMOVIE STAR ON THE ISLAND

WAS HIDEOUS,COMPARED TO THE BRUNETTE.

AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING,

BECAUSE MARY ANNWAS A FLAT-CHESTED HICK.

WHILE IT'S NO SECRET INVITINGA GINGER INTO YOUR HOME

CAUSES YOUR PLANTS TO DIE,

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE BULLIEDBECAUSE OF THEIR HAIR COLOR,

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEIR SKIN ISTOO THIN TO HANDLE A FEW JOKES.

THAT'S WHY I PUT THAT FLAMINGHOT CHEETO ON A RED EYE

AND FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,A PLACE WHERE NOBODY HAS A SOUL,

IN THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[applause]

- WELCOME TO THE I'M NOT A REAL DR. PHIL SHOW.0.

TODAY, WE'RE ADDRESSING A TOPICTHAT INFURIATES EVERYONE--

ANGRY,SOULLESS GINGER FREAKS.

PLEASE HELP MEWELCOME MICHAEL.

[applause]

- KETCHUP HEAD!- WHO SAID THAT?

- CALM DOWN.EVERYBODY, JUST CALM DOWN.

I HAVE THIS UNDER CONTROL.

NOW, I KNOW HIS HAIRIS VERY DISTURBING,

BUT THIS IS WHAT I DO.

- MY HAIR IS NOT DISTURBING.

- [groans]IT'S SO RED.

ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL,HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- I'M 20.

- I HAVE TO ASK,

DOES THE CARPETMATCH THE PUBES?

HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO?

- IT'S THREE YEARS OLD NOW.

IT WAS FRESHMAN YEAROF HIGH SCHOOL.

I WAS WATCHING SOUTH PARK.

I SAW THE GINGER EPISODE,

AND IT KIND OF, LIKE,TICKED ME OFF.

WHEN I WAS OVER IT,I POSTED IT ON YOUTUBE,

AND OVERNIGHT,IT GOT VIRAL.

- IF YOU'RE STANDINGON A HOT HIGHWAY,

YOU TRY TO GET OFFON THE COOL GRASS.

I HAVE SELECTED THE TOP FIVEGINGERS OF ALL TIME.

I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A LOOKAT MY LIST.

DO YOU AGREE WITH MY LIST?

- NO, NOT REALLY.- WHO WOULD BE YOUR NUMBER ONE?

- RON HOWARD.- [wheezy laugh]

RON HOWARD,NUMBER ONE GINGER?

NO MATTER HOW FLATYOU MAKE A PANCAKE,

IT'S STILL GOT TWO SIDES.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A FIGHT?- YEAH.

THEY KEPT CALLING ME "GINGER,"AND THEY PUSHED ME.

ONE OF THEM PUSHED MERIGHT HERE,

AND THEY THREWTHE FIRST PUNCH.

TECHNICALLY,I COUNTED THAT A PUNCH.

- I COUNT IT AS A PUNCH.

YOU CAN ONLYPUSH A GINGER SO FAR

BEFORE THAT GINGER'SGONNA SNAP.

GINGERSNAP.

DO YOU FIND THE WORD "GINGER"OFFENSIVE?

- YEAH, I FIND "GINGER,"

WHEN PEOPLE THAT AREN'TREDHEADED USE IT--

A LOT OF PEOPLECAN SAY THE "N" WORD.

SPANISH PEOPLE CAN--YOU KNOW, THAT WORD.

AND I FEEL LIKEIT'S SLANDEROUS.

- WHAT IF I SAY,"THAT'S MY GINGER"?

- WELL, THAT'S FINE.

- NOW, I'D LIKE TO SHOWEVERYBODY

ANOTHER POPULAR VIRAL VIDEOOF A GRANDMOTHER

THAT LIKES TO YELL ABOUT STUFFTHAT STICKS IN HER CRAW.

- I DON'T CAREIF YOU SAY "HONKY,"

"WHITE," "BLACK,"AND THE OTHER WORD

THAT NOBODY'S ALLOWED TO USEANYMORE,

THAT I GREW UP WITH,SAYING.

THE WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE ONESTHAT ARE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.

- WHAT ARE ARE THE ODDS,

OUT OF ALL OF THE MILLIONSOF VIRAL VIDEOS OUT THERE

THAT THIS MANWOULD KNOW THAT WOMAN?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYONEWHO SHE IS.

- IT'S MY MEMA.

[audience ohs]

- THAT'S HIS REAL LIFE MEMA.

THAT DOG ALMOST DOESN'T HUNT.

MEMA, GET ON OUT HERE!

GOOD LORD! MEMA!

MEMA,THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELLI'M DOING OUT HERE,

BUT I PUT IN MY TEETHAND PUT ON A BRA TO COME.

- I WISH YOU WOULDN'T HAVEPUT ON A BRA.

- [laughs]

- HAVE YOU EVER BREAST-FEDMICHAEL?

- NO, NO.I'M HIS GRANDMOTHER.

- I UNDERSTAND THAT.

- COULD I TELL YOU SOMETHINGABOUT L.A.?

EVERYBODY HEREIS GOOD-LOOKING.

I MEAN, THERE'S NOT A DOGIN THE DAMN BUNCH.

- GET OUT OF HERE.LOOK AT THAT GUY RIGHT THERE.

- IF I WAS YOUNGER,IT WOULD TAKE A CROWBAR

TO GET ME OUT OF HIS LAP.

- IS YOUR SEX LIFESTILL ACTIVE?

- HELL NO.MY VIBRATOR BURNED OUT.

BUT I'M GONNA GO TO DINNERWITH HIM. HE'S CUTE.

YOU CAN ALL TELLTHAT I LIKE TO EAT.

I CAN SKIN A RABBITAND A DEER,

AND I KNOW HOW TOCLEAN A FISH,

AND WE'RE NOT GONNASTARVE TO DEATH,

BUT NOBODY'S GONNA BE HOMETO FEED THE DOGS.

WE'VE GOT A CHOW, AN AKITA.

WE'VE GOT THREE PIT BILLS,

THREE LABS,AND A LITTLE, UH, UH, POINTER.

AND I HATE CATS.

BUT ANYWAY,MY DAUGHTER LOVES CATS.

CATS ARE WEIRD.

THEY GOT WEIRD EYES.

THEY GOT--EVERY DAMN THINGABOUT 'EM IS WEIRD.

- MEMA, YOU SURE AREMAKING A LOT OF SENSE.

DO YOU KNOWWHAT THE INTERNET IS?

- BARELY.

- DO YOU GET COMPETITIVEWITH MICHAEL

OVER VIEWS OF YOUR VIDEOS.

- OH, NO!I'M PROUD OF HIS VIEWS.

I LOVE TO WATCH HIM.

I DON'T LIKE FOR HIMTO USE THE "F" WORD.

NOW, I CUSS AND CARRY ON,

BUT I DON'T LIKE FOR HIMTO TALK REAL TRASHY.

- DO YOU THINK MICHAEL'S TEMPERIS OUT OF CONTROL?

- SOMETIMES, BUT THAT'SBECAUSE HE'S REDHEADED.

- MICHAEL, IT'S CLEARTO EVERYONE HERE AND MYSELF

THAT YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE A CHANGEOR YOU'RE GONNA END UP

OLD, CRAZY, AND ALONE,LIKE YOUR MEMA.

ARE YOU READYTO MAKE THAT CHANGE?

- YEAH.

- MICHAEL ARE YOU READYTO MAKE THAT CHANGE?

- YES, I'M READYTO MAKE THAT CHANGE.

- THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- ALL GUESTS OF THE I'M NOT A REAL DR. PHIL SHOW.0

WILL RECEIVE A CHANDELIER,

A PAIR OF LEVI'S529 CROTCHLESS SHORTS,

A VIAL OF THE AIDS VACCINE.

WE HAVE IT--THAT BOXY MERCEDES SUV

THAT COSTS 100 GRAND AND MAKESYOU LOOK LIKE A REAL ASSHOLE.

AND ONE OF DR. PHIL'SFAMOUS MUSTACHE RIDES.

[applause]

- ABOUT TEN SECONDS AGO,

A REDHEAD PROMISED HE WASGONNA CHANGE HIS LIFE,

BUT A PROMISE AIN'T WORTHA TUB OF CRICKETS

IF YOU DON'T SEE IT THROUGH.

THAT'S WHY,DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK,

I HELPED HIM MAKE THAT PROMISEA REALITY.

LET'S SEE HOW MUCH PROGRESSMICHAEL HAS BEEN MAKING.

- HEY, EVERYBODY.

EVER SINCE DR. PHILBROUGHT ME OUT HERE

AND FORCED METO DYE MY HAIR BLACK,

LIFE HAS BEEN GREAT.

I DON'T HATE WHAT I SEEIN THE MIRROR ANYMORE,

AND NOBODY ASKS MEABOUT MY PUBES.

I EVEN FINALLY GOTA BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND.

- I TOLD YOU I DON'TWANT YOU DATING A--

- SHUT IT, MEMA!

KEEP IT MOVING,

YOU SOULLESS,FRECKLY [bleep]!

GET OUT OF HERE!

- THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.GOOD NIGHT.

[applause]

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